Hello Dear Anu Ma'am,
I wish to remain anonymous as my family reads this page too.
I'm 25 years old and work for a multinational IT giant.
I don't earn much but I'm happy with my job. I'm a workaholic and I don't mind working for even 16-17 hours a day just to keep myself sane.
My parents are highly educated, have good jobs, are caring and do EVERYTHING for me physically. But, there is no such thing as 'love' or 'emotion' in my house.
I have never known the meaning of happiness and love.
Everything looks normal on the outside, but inside my dad does not treat my mom well, he always makes fun of her and disrespects her. He is cold and distant from me as well. I don't even remember the last time things were alright at home.
Sometimes he even abuses my mom physically and because of this, she left her reputable job and now stays at home. My brother and I have stopped talking to my dad fully.
I have been in a relationship with multiple men, including a married man, but was never actually interested in them.
They all got frustrated with my behaviour after a few months and the relationships ended.
I never understood why I keep on getting into relationships when I never like them. I never understood why I can't say no to someone. I am a people pleaser.
I cannot stand up for myself and I have zero self confidence. All my so-called ex-boyfriends manipulated me for sex and I kept thinking it was love.
I lose interest the moment they talk about sex.
I always used to wonder why I am not like other girls -- they are confident, they can say no to a guy they don't like, they make the right decisions, they have female friends but I don't have any. I used to think why only I am weird.
My mom also likes my brother more and does not treat me that nicely. Although she is nice to me most of the time, she keeps on mocking and belittling me like 'good girls like plants and nature.. I have never seen you in our garden. This shows what kind of a girl you are, you're useless, you're good for nothing. I feel like slapping you all the time, your face is like that, anyone would want to slap you and many more such things.
It confuses me. I still don't understand if my parents love me or not.
My brother is on my mom's side. He never treats me well or respects me. My mind is always in a state of confusion and fear.
I keep getting into embarrassing situations because of my low self confidence and inability to say NO.
I recently realised I am like this because of my father, after reading an article on 'absent father and how it affects daughters', I got to know that when a father doesn't love his daughter, she becomes promiscuous and has very low self confidence.
I cried for hours after reading it. I was shocked and even more traumatised because i thought parents were supposed to love their children.
But it gave me some relief that all this is not my fault.
Now, I have stopped blaming my parents for the way I am (even if they are the cause) and I've decided to improve my life by distancing myself from them.
I have made up my mind and I can see some changes in myself. But I still can't say no very loudly and clearly.
I say it in a low voice and hesitantly, so people take advantage of me. I strongly believe that I will learn to say no. I am determined.
That said, the main problem now is - there is immense grief, guilt and shame in my mind which I'm not able to get out.
I feel terrible about myself all the time, like I'm a cheap, characterless woman.
I know that is not actually my personality but I still have such thoughts. I even tried therapy but it has not helped much.
Can you please help me ma'am?

Dear K,

What advice will you give a close friend if she came to you with the same problem that you have stated? Will you ask her to reconcile or keep her sanity intact?

Controlling the spouse is a classic way of coping for insecurity related issues within a relationship.

Being years older to you and having a young wife possibly might have given him goosebumps of you being attractive to people your age.

Whatever the reason, being passive aggressive and registering his insecurity through not talking for months, stalking you, monitoring your social media accounts, threatening to blackmail you with screenshots from your previous affairs; does it all sound like he is a person who you want to spend your life with?

If you still feel there is small chance and you want to, seek the help of a professional who can work with him and then the two of you to create an element of trust that is absolutely missing.

Any relationship that lacks trust, just crumbles as the foundation is weak and every little act that questions the other person’s integrity drives a further wedge.

You have a child that is dependent on you; be strong and whichever way that you choose, drive it…Inaction is what is causing you health issues, so do something NOW.

All the best and Be Strong.

Well of course, no achievements can possibly ever substitute for the sense of belonging that you perhaps crave for.

It’s unfortunate that many known people have tried to claim a stake in the property and possibly it might have offered you a respite when you sold the house.

What remains of all that you have gone through is memories and those 5 beautiful years with your father.

What if you heightened the happiness level in those memories by seeing them clearly and reminiscing the celebration moments with your father?

It’s easy to harp on what went wrong or what could have been better? But can anything substitute the few yet meaningful years that you had with your father?

And when it comes to the void that you currently feel, I do feel that it’s time that you extended your social circle.

The world is well connected and there is much in common that you can have with people across the globe in terms of mutual interests and discussions.

Develop a hobby or do something that you love everyday and remember to be with Mother Nature often. It helps clear the mind and keep you grounded.

Lastly and importantly, think of how you can add value to another person’s life.

When we think of something beyond us, it fills us with a lot of positive feelings and keeps us motivated from within.

Life can be filled with remorse or joy; it’s only a matter of choice!

My best wishes to you!

Dear Anonymous,

Isn’t it about time you started to create your own life which is free from all the toxicity?

Sometimes as hard as it maybe, it is necessary to free yourself from the old and embrace the new; especially if the old is making you stuck and unhappy.

From what you have mentioned, your parents and brother seem to be in their own world of misery, and you surely are not the cause but you are no victim either.

You are 25 and you are earning and even if isn’t much, I wonder why you are still living under the same roof to put yourself through so much of pain.

Your job in life is not to ‘fix’ anyone even if it is family. But it is to wander on your path and create the life that you want.

Who knows once you are on your own, they might appreciate you for who you are. It is known that emotional neglect can show up as relationship challenges in children when they are ready for a partner or a relationship.

But does it help knowing all this?

Can you change the past? Can you change your parents?

If NO, then focus on changing the way you are responding to the situation.

Are you playing the victim who wants to dwell on the miseries, or do you want to play the enabler who disrupts the situation by taking charge?

Easier said than done; but once you decide to enable yourself, life takes a huge turn for the better. So, do it…

Let this be about YOU and no one else. Relationships can wait till you are on your own and making strong decisions.

For now, take that first step towards your freedom and that free life. You can do this!

Best wishes!

Dear JV,

It’s possibly the incident that happened to you (which I understand that you haven’t shared here) is preventing you from having a fulfilling life.

I can only say that the incident happened in the past, but you are living it even now.

You were a victim in that incident, but to continue to play the victim even now is to give your power away.

How can you be happy by giving your inner power away every day and every moment?

Reclaim your life.

What’s happened can be blurred by moving away from that incident and reminding yourself that you are far away from the past and in the NOW.

• Be grateful to what you have in the present
• Make a list of your strengths
• Write down your goal clearly by stating by when you want to achieve it

Remember bringing your past into the current time robs you of any goodness; professionally or personally.

So, to see something change, change the way you feel about your past.

Step out of the victim mode and become a person who has the power to change things at will.

I am sure you want to see how this pans out for you.

So, what are you waiting for? Step up and bring that newness of thought into your life.
All the best!