Hello Anu Ma'am, I don't know where to start. I don't know if there is anything wrong with me at all.

It all started on 4th of July 2012. My father passed away that afternoon.

I have been a single child raised by a single parent. My mother passed away during my birth due to a medical error.

During my early childhood my father was distant and alcoholic. We barely bonded. I was a studious child turned rebellion for no particular reason. Getting into wrong circumstances and with wrong people.

By the time I was in 10th standard, me and dad had a bond. He shared his feelings of loneliness and disappointments from life, friend circle, work, extended family, etc.

It made me judgmental and opinionated towards everything and everyone. I never connected with my extended family and neither did any one of them.

I moved to Bangalore in 2007 for a better career upon his insistence. I had goals, ambitions and desires and a place in life where I wanted to be. But after his death, life has been a mess for the last 9 years.

The untimely death took me away from completing my engineering degree.

I drifted back to hometown in a desperate effort to safeguard the home he built, where I grew up.

If I quantify my 20 years with dad, it would sum up to barely 5 years of happy time. Rest of it is just marred by alcohol, abuse on his part and mine, distance, periods of no conversation or connection.

I came up with ideas to keep the home and still pursue whatever was left of my dream. But it didn't work.

For instance, the neighbors created problems for the tenants who I bought for that home.

Some of my father's friends and my own had vested interests in that house and constantly created hurdles which damaged my efforts in my very first job.

The lawyer I hired to transfer the property to my name played her own tricks to take the house.

Lengthy government procedures, bribery, setbacks resulted in me losing my focus on the second job as well.

As a last resort, in 2017, I sold the home and planned to settle down in Bangalore for good cutting all my ties with the place I called home.

This also affected my relationship as my fiance's father questioned his faith on me and finally got her married to a guy in the States.

Over the last 5 years, my career has marched forward aggressively.

I travel to places cherishing the things I wanted to do -- travel, eat and gather new experiences.

But when I come back home, there is a void. I don't feel happy about how far I have come and achieved despite everything.

There is no one around to share my thoughts and feelings. There is no space to let out and let go. I am in a constant state of breakdown. I want to cry but I rarely do.

Those moments of childhood, the experience of his demise the after effects still have a hold over me. I have become skeptical of trusting people and letting them in and trusting them.

Then there is my own regret of not finishing my engineering and working towards the life I wanted and setting down for a normal degree and corporate life.

I have started to indulge in excessive travel and bouts of poetic rant to let the hurt out but now I feel it ain't working.

It's becoming difficult for me everyday. I don't feel suicidal because I know I won't take that step.

But I feel very very lost and unable to find a way to move forward. I feel I am just there in the crowd without a purpose.

What should I do?

Dear AB,

Breathe! And breathe again and once more…

Life is filled with all things great and challenging as well. Challenges come to us as a growth path; one that we must walk on to unleash more of our inner power.

Challenges within the family, education related challenges, personal challenges and more are part of anyone’s life.

How we deal with each defines our journey and shapes our mindset as well.

Have you felt like playing the victim in each challenge and hence feel low and dejected and that prevents you from finishing what you have taken up?

I might be wrong here, but what seems to be happening is every activity is left mid-way due to lack of confidence from within. And then the loop continues and you have termed it as a rejection and failure. We receive what we put out there; so why don’t you try something different?

Why don’t you pick something (one at a time) and see it through till the end; it will give you a great sense of achievement and to do this; simply visualize the path from the start to the end and then jumping for joy at your victory.

Request your boyfriend to play the role of an accountability partner, so that he keeps your ups and downs in check.

Commit to him as to what and when you will finish; and to motivate yourself, keep visualizing your victory and success point and the happiness that you will feel from within.

As for your parents scolding you, they only look at your welfare.

Sit them down and tell them that you need their support and that you are embarking on a new journey.

I am sure that they will be rooting for you. Life is beautiful, make it count and you know you can!

Best wishes!

I can only imagine what it must be like for you. But I am not going to feel sorry for you as life presents challenges as opportunities.

You have had the opportunity to learn from each of your challenge, academically, personally, and professionally.

Focus on yourself now. What happened or didn’t happen in your childhood or the past only makes you feel like a victim and that isn’t useful when you are trying to solve a problem.

Focus on how you can better your quality of life despite your physiological issue.

Sit down with the doctor and ask:

How can I get treated?

Does it involve any surgery?

Will physiotherapy help in easing my condition?

You depression (which I imagine is self-diagnosed) is on account of you treating yourself as a victim, will change once you move into a positive mode where you treat yourself with respect and love.

Only you can better your situation and it is possible for you if you choose to look at all the things that are possible by you once you become mentally stronger. Then your academic or personal or professional challenges will not come in the way.

So Take Charge and NOW. All the best to you!

I can only imagine what it must be like for you. But I am not going to feel sorry for you as life presents challenges as opportunities.

You have had the opportunity to learn from each of your challenge, academically, personally, and professionally.

Focus on yourself now. What happened or didn’t happen in your childhood or the past only makes you feel like a victim and that isn’t useful when you are trying to solve a problem.

Focus on how you can better your quality of life despite your physiological issue.

Sit down with the doctor and ask:

How can I get treated?

Does it involve any surgery?

Will physiotherapy help in easing my condition?

You depression (which I imagine is self-diagnosed) is on account of you treating yourself as a victim, will change once you move into a positive mode where you treat yourself with respect and love.

Only you can better your situation and it is possible for you if you choose to look at all the things that are possible by you once you become mentally stronger. Then your academic or personal or professional challenges will not come in the way.

So Take Charge and NOW. All the best to you!