Hello Anu Ma'am, I don't know where to start. I don't know if there is anything wrong with me at all.
It all started on 4th of July 2012. My father passed away that afternoon.
I have been a single child raised by a single parent. My mother passed away during my birth due to a medical error.
During my early childhood my father was distant and alcoholic. We barely bonded. I was a studious child turned rebellion for no particular reason. Getting into wrong circumstances and with wrong people.
By the time I was in 10th standard, me and dad had a bond. He shared his feelings of loneliness and disappointments from life, friend circle, work, extended family, etc.
It made me judgmental and opinionated towards everything and everyone. I never connected with my extended family and neither did any one of them.
I moved to Bangalore in 2007 for a better career upon his insistence. I had goals, ambitions and desires and a place in life where I wanted to be. But after his death, life has been a mess for the last 9 years.
The untimely death took me away from completing my engineering degree.
I drifted back to hometown in a desperate effort to safeguard the home he built, where I grew up.
If I quantify my 20 years with dad, it would sum up to barely 5 years of happy time. Rest of it is just marred by alcohol, abuse on his part and mine, distance, periods of no conversation or connection.
I came up with ideas to keep the home and still pursue whatever was left of my dream. But it didn't work.
For instance, the neighbors created problems for the tenants who I bought for that home.
Some of my father's friends and my own had vested interests in that house and constantly created hurdles which damaged my efforts in my very first job.
The lawyer I hired to transfer the property to my name played her own tricks to take the house.
Lengthy government procedures, bribery, setbacks resulted in me losing my focus on the second job as well.
As a last resort, in 2017, I sold the home and planned to settle down in Bangalore for good cutting all my ties with the place I called home.
This also affected my relationship as my fiance's father questioned his faith on me and finally got her married to a guy in the States.
Over the last 5 years, my career has marched forward aggressively.
I travel to places cherishing the things I wanted to do -- travel, eat and gather new experiences.
But when I come back home, there is a void. I don't feel happy about how far I have come and achieved despite everything.
There is no one around to share my thoughts and feelings. There is no space to let out and let go. I am in a constant state of breakdown. I want to cry but I rarely do.
Those moments of childhood, the experience of his demise the after effects still have a hold over me. I have become skeptical of trusting people and letting them in and trusting them.
Then there is my own regret of not finishing my engineering and working towards the life I wanted and setting down for a normal degree and corporate life.
I have started to indulge in excessive travel and bouts of poetic rant to let the hurt out but now I feel it ain't working.
It's becoming difficult for me everyday. I don't feel suicidal because I know I won't take that step.
But I feel very very lost and unable to find a way to move forward. I feel I am just there in the crowd without a purpose.
What should I do?
Ans: Dear R, I can only imagine what you feel this moment.
Well of course, no achievements can possibly ever substitute for the sense of belonging that you perhaps crave for.
It’s unfortunate that many known people have tried to claim a stake in the property and possibly it might have offered you a respite when you sold the house.
What remains of all that you have gone through is memories and those 5 beautiful years with your father.
What if you heightened the happiness level in those memories by seeing them clearly and reminiscing the celebration moments with your father?
It’s easy to harp on what went wrong or what could have been better? But can anything substitute the few yet meaningful years that you had with your father?
And when it comes to the void that you currently feel, I do feel that it’s time that you extended your social circle.
The world is well connected and there is much in common that you can have with people across the globe in terms of mutual interests and discussions.
Develop a hobby or do something that you love everyday and remember to be with Mother Nature often. It helps clear the mind and keep you grounded.
Lastly and importantly, think of how you can add value to another person’s life.
When we think of something beyond us, it fills us with a lot of positive feelings and keeps us motivated from within.
Life can be filled with remorse or joy; it’s only a matter of choice!
My best wishes to you!
