Hello mam, I'm 31 and married for 4 years. My husband wants to know where I am all the time. He checks my phone, and even questions why I spoke to a male colleague. He says it's because he loves me. But I feel suffocated. I can't even meet my own friends without causing a drama at home. Is this normal? Or am I just being over-sensitive?

Ans:

Dear LK,
Some people are absolutely finicky when it comes to their privacy.

They love protecting and guarding their space and allow no one into it.

I am sure this causes you to think that there might be more to it and that’s why it has begun to bother you.

If you have been complaining about this, he mostly likely will retract and become defensive and not even offer an explanation to it.

Instead have you tried, being softer, yet assertive in a way that you make him realise that it bothers you. Also, an assurance that you are not out to stalk him or spy on his movements but give him that space where he can be free around you.

It might take time for him to release the old behaviour and form a new one, and you can simply support that change by reiterating that you are part of his journey and that it is okay for him to take a call with you and that you will not judge him for anything.

If he still doesn’t want to, I think you might consider respecting his privacy unless there is reason for you not to.
All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You are right when you worry about the way things are between you and your husband. Obviously sexual intimacy is one of the pillars for a strong marriage (and not the only pillar). And you have noticed that this intimacy has stopped after the birth of your second child.
Now, one way of looking at it is that many couples get drained in responsibilities of raising babies and building the family and this means sex can be off the table for a long long time. Is this the same with the two of you as well?
OR
It can also be that many people use sex simply as means to have children (reproduce) and not as an activity to be indulged in other than for bringing children into the world. Is your husband one of those people?
OR
When you say there is no love and intimacy between the two of you, surely this could be another reason as both of you have not bothered to take out time for yourselves where you brought in the element of trust, care, affection, love...this is the basis for other forms of intimacy as well.
Work on this better...try and become each other's friend first...he need not just assume the role of a provider and take it on so seriously that he forgets that there is a wife that needs his care. At the same time, do not insist on sex till you also make an effort to bring him into a space where he sees you as his friend and starts to trust you...

What happens in the bedroom, starts first outside the bedroom with small gestures like laughing, watching movies together, cooking, holding hands...don't jump into sex instantly...wait...be patient...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Hello mam. In indian society people's mind set are such that they expect their daughter in law to be dressed according to them and to talk and behave also like thier in laws do. But they should understand that this is not possible. Coz girls had a life before marriage also and they were raised by their parents in a very decent manner. Its ok. Dont get stressed. Ur husband still doesn't know how to maintain balance between parents and wife like most indian boys. Dont destroy your mental peace. Stay calm. Try to make a bond with your in laws by asking them the recipies and how they cook. Some things can be learnt but some things are natural and can't be changed. I am sure they ll understand you and things will be normal soon. Take care !
Regards
Dr Upneet kaur
Follow me on: https://www.instagram.com/dr_upneet

Ans: Hello mam. Well, mam as time goes by in marriage both partners take each other for granted. That communication slowly fades away and only few things are left. May be your husband must ve feeling the same and is longing for your attention coz when kids are around then us time of couple vanishes. But this communication and spark can be returned by the efforts of both partners. You should take initiative. Plan some dinner out, just both of you. Spend some quality time together. Things will be good in a few weeks.
Take care!
Regards
Dr Upneet Kaur
Follow me on: https://www.instagram.com/dr_upneet

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The courtship phase is far from the marriage phase. During courtship, certain parts of the self go hidden in the eagerness of impressing the other person. Now, this usually is done unknowingly BUT when realoty hits, it feels like you have been cheated.
Instead of feeling disappointed and assuming that you need to do the worst, why don't you create situations where you start sharing by saying: "I would love for you to hear this..." OR "It means a lot when I feel heard..."

Roadblocks aren't the end of the world; you just learn to navigate around it to walk on a clear path.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/