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Anu Krishna  |725 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 10, 2023

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 27, 2023Translate

hi, I am happily married for many years. A couple of years back my mother passed away and my dad came to stay with us. he is 80+ years old. My sister does not want to have him over for more than a couple of weeks. My husband is very understanding but he wants to have a break for a few months from our routine of taking care of my dad. My sister has told my dad that she cannot take care of him and now my dad wants me to decide for him. Please suggest a way where neither my dad nor my husband gets hurt

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's a discussion that you and your sister need to have as to how you want to divide your responsibilities. Also, if it's financially feasible, engage in a full-time caregiver who will be able to offer the much needed respite so that you can focus on offering your father emotional care and support.
This will also enable both you and your sister to have time with your respective families.

So, it's a simple and conversation that you and your sister must have...so have it...

All the best!

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Anu Krishna  |725 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 28, 2022

Hi Anu, I'm a 50 year old male married for 10 years. This is our second marriage for both of us. We live abroad. Since Day One my spouse was suspicious of me linking me with anyone on the street. She says I'm sighting girls. She suspected that I am interested in my elder sister-in-law since marriage. She never told me this for three years. Due to this we never had any relationship (and no child). Because of this constant fighting I lost my mother (I apologised to mother since I was not able to take care of her and I was unhappy. She died within a month of my apology.) I never told anyone either of our relatives about our problems. My father is 90 and alive. I don't want to cause any problem to him. During these 10 years her father never bothered to check if any problems. I hardly slept 1-2 days a week during these years.My spouse never changed a bit during these 10 years. Her position reached a stage where I had to admit her to hospital for psychosis. She got discharged in 2 months because her parents were adamant on discharge on the condition that she will travel to India. But once discharged, she refused to travel for nearly 10 months. Her father supported her. When her mother passed away in December 2020, due to Covid her return tickets got cancelled. In December 2021 she was again in hospital for 20 days in India for similar psychological issues. In April 2022 I visited her house in India and gave her father a 4-page document detailing her behaviour during these 10 years. He simply said she has done unknowingly. He is adamant on trying to send her back to me. While I am struggling to live, her father lives a happy life with his pension. As a father he never corrects his daughter and instead tries to push the problems to me.I have asked for a divorce but she is not willing to give and starts shouting hysterically. Please let me know how to proceed.

Dear S,

If you have decided that divorce is the only option to consider, then yes, file for divorce legally by hiring a lawyer who has specialized in cases where the spouse is unwilling to let the divorce happen.

In short, if it’s not a mutual consent, it might drag on for years, so get a good skilled lawyer to take up your case.

On the emotional side of things, I urge you to be patient and empathetic towards your wife. With her mental health condition, she possibly has no control over her thoughts and subsequent actions are a result of an impulsive reaction.

Yes, it is unfortunate that the marriage went through a lot of low phases but do remember she is a human who is going through a challenge which is not easy to fathom by people who don’t have a mental illness.

I realise that this might be a little difficult to do, but in the long-term scheme of things, it will be a good ally as a sound and calm mind helps you through challenging times.

This point of view will help you through the divorce proceedings where you will be able to be fair and just to make sure that she is also taken care of.

All the best for a better journey ahead!

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |96 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 24, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 18, 2023Translate
I had late marraige . My husband was very keen to marry. In fact my family was not very keen. i was the only child and my mom passed away early. After my marraige my husband family behave differently. My mom-in law never allowed our normal relationship. My husband was not financially stable. However his mother used to fulfill all his wishes as she was in job. Now she is retired. I had a steady job and academic background. So I remained financially stable. But I never got any opportunity to lead a normal conjugal life. She constantly created psychological pressure so that I stay away from my husband. My husband also was unable to protest. He was more frank in absence of mother. This strange situation forced me to stay away from my inlaws place. I started living separately. My mom-in law was cooperative as long as Im away from them. Now if my husband is sick, he is informing me, taking financial help, but not allowing me to accompany him to doctor . Its a strange situation. Now My husband is in mental problem with no financial stability and normal peace of mind. How should I tackle this situation?
Ans: I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time in your marriage. It sounds like there are multiple issues at play here, including strained relationships with your in-laws, financial instability, and your husband's mental health. Here are some steps you can take to tackle this situation:

Seek counseling: It's important for you and your husband to get professional counseling to address the issues you're facing. A counselor can provide guidance on how to manage difficult family relationships, financial stress, and mental health issues.

Set boundaries: It's important to establish clear boundaries with your in-laws. Communicate your needs and expectations with your husband and his family. This may include spending less time with them or limiting interactions with them.

Seek financial stability: If your husband is unable to contribute financially, it may be important for you to take charge of managing the household finances. This can help alleviate some of the stress and uncertainty around money.

Support your husband's mental health: Encourage your husband to seek professional help for his mental health issues. You can also offer emotional support and be there for him during this difficult time.

Focus on your own well-being: It's important for you to take care of yourself during this time. Make time for self-care activities, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time with friends and family.

Remember, these issues may take time to resolve, but with patience, understanding, and professional help, you and your husband can work through them and find a path forward.
Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |96 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 18, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2023Translate
I am from Middle class family. Our parents, 2 brothers, my sister and Me.My Father is no more and my mom lives alone. She does not want to stay with any of us. We all live out of country and my mother lives in India. My mother is not dependent on us financially and she can manage on her own and does not expect money from any of us. She is getting old and we need to take care of her, but I feel I am only one who checks on her and arranges for any small things she needs. My sibling don't even talk about it, I feel they think if they talk about it then they have do something. Like every other old person my mother and me have a lot of differences on everything like managing finances, or renewing something or going to hospital etc and I become the bad person because of these matters. My siblings don't get involved they just call her once a while and talk for while and manage to stay in her good books. I know that it is my duty to take care of her but I feel not appreciated or rejected when she ignores all the things I do for her when others don't. She is also old school and favors boys over girls and reject me saying that I am from a different family and always guilt traps me saying that she educated me but i earn and spent on my husband family. She hates my in-laws, but they are nice people and my husband is very supportive. Since it is my mother I don't tell these issues to anyone even my husband and it is destroying my Peace.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing in your relationship with your mother. It can be challenging when there are differences in opinions and expectations, especially when it comes to caregiving and managing family dynamics. Here are a few suggestions that might help you navigate this situation:

Communication: It's important to have open and honest communication with your mother. Try to express your feelings calmly and respectfully, and listen to her perspective as well. Sharing your concerns and thoughts can help create a better understanding between both of you.

Seek support: While you may not want to burden your husband with these issues, it's still essential to have someone to talk to and seek support from. Consider confiding in a close friend or a counselor who can provide an objective viewpoint and offer guidance on how to cope with the emotional stress.

Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is crucial in any relationship. Make it clear to your mother what you can and cannot do, taking into account your own personal and family commitments. It's important to find a balance between caring for her and taking care of yourself and your own family.

Sibling involvement: If you feel overwhelmed and alone in taking care of your mother, you can try to involve your siblings more actively in the process. Have an open conversation with them, express your concerns, and see if they can contribute in any way, whether it's by providing emotional support or assisting with certain responsibilities.

Patience and empathy: Understand that your mother's behavior and expectations may be influenced by her upbringing, cultural beliefs, and personal experiences. Try to approach situations with empathy, even if it's challenging. Remember that she may be experiencing her own struggles and fears as she grows older.

Self-care: Taking care of your own well-being is essential. Ensure that you make time for yourself, engage in activities that bring you joy, and maintain a healthy work-life balance. By taking care of yourself, you'll be better equipped to handle the challenges that arise in your relationship with your mother.

Remember, it's normal to feel frustrated and emotionally drained in such situations. However, with patience, understanding, and effective communication, you may be able to improve your relationship with your mother and find a balance that works for both of you.

Kanchan Rai  |130 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 30, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 29, 2023Translate
Madam, Myself and my wife are old (79 and 73 years of age). We have only child (son) aged 50 years. My son was academically very brilliant in his school and college days. But after chicken box disease in young age he developed cardiac problem.Doctor diagnosed it as Cardiomyopathy and he is still undergoing treatment. Due to this shock, my son became too depressed and totally is disabled. He also became a psychiatric patient, diagnosis being Schizophrenia. He is not able to self manage. He is not settled in life - No job and No marriage! The concern is: After we parents leave the world there are no relatives or friends volunteer to take care of him. How to get a solution for this? Shall be very grateful to receive your advice. Regards.
Ans: I'm truly sorry to hear about the challenging situation you and your family are facing. Caring for an adult child with complex medical and mental health issues can be incredibly difficult, especially when considering the future when you may not be there to provide support. Here are some steps you can take to plan for your son's care:

Consult with Professionals: Seek the advice of medical professionals, including your son's treating physicians and mental health providers. They can provide guidance on his current treatment plan and any potential long-term care needs.
Legal and Financial Planning: Consult with an attorney who specializes in elder law or disability law to help you establish the necessary legal documents and financial arrangements. This may include setting up a special needs trust, appointing a guardian, and creating a will that outlines your son's care and financial support after your passing.
Identify Caregivers: While you mentioned that there are no relatives or friends willing to take care of your son, it's essential to continue exploring potential options. You might consider reaching out to local support groups for parents of children with disabilities or mental health issues to connect with others who have faced similar challenges.
Government Assistance: Research government programs and benefits available to individuals with disabilities
Care Facilities: Investigate residential care facilities and group homes that specialize in providing care for adults with disabilities. Some facilities offer long-term care options that can provide a stable and supportive environment for your son.
Support Services: Look for local agencies and nonprofit organizations that offer support services for individuals with mental health issues and disabilities. They may provide assistance with housing, employment, and daily living skills.
Include Your Son in Planning: To the extent possible, involve your son in discussions about his future care and living arrangements. His input and preferences should be considered in the planning process.
Create a Support Network: Engage with local and online support communities for parents and caregivers of individuals with mental health and disability challenges. Connecting with others who have faced similar situations can provide valuable advice and emotional support.
Continuity of Care: Ensure that all essential medical and psychiatric records are well-documented and easily accessible for future caregivers. This will help provide a seamless transition in case of any changes in care providers.
Regular Updates: As your son's condition may change over time, it's crucial to periodically review and update your plans and arrangements to adapt to his evolving needs.
Remember that you are not alone in facing these challenges, and there are resources and professionals available to help you navigate this difficult journey. Seek guidance from experts and reach out to local disability organizations to explore available support and options for your son's future care.

Kanchan Rai  |130 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 01, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2024Translate
Hi I am 64 years old. Still workig in a Private company. My mother is 85 years old and she is with me since my father's death in 1985. I have lost my brother in an accident in 1985. I have three sisters all are living in my city only. My mother is almost bedridden. My wife, 62 years old is a heart patient and recently she has fallen and her knee got fractured. My wife and my mother never liked each other and always quarrel. My mother , being very week and helpless, always scolds my wife. We have made an arrangement with a catering guy who takes care of my mother's lunch. But dinner i have to prepare everyday which i have been doing for the last 20 years. My three sisters often come to visit my mother and give her fruits etc etc to please her. The problem is they agree to keep my mother in their homes once in while for two or three days but i have to beg them always when i have to go for any functions or to visit places , temples. But they never come forward to support me even if i am sick or if i have to attend any marriages, functions. This gives a scope for my wife to quarrel with me and many times we have cancelled our tickets just to be at home to look after my mother. Please tell me what to do do. I am also becoming old and want to take my wife with me to attend functions and to show her the places, as a husband. And my wife always quarrels with me that if at this age when we are able to walk and capable of going to places, when can we go ? I am not able to convince my three sister(elder one is already bedridden so i can not ask her )_ nor i am in a position to do justice to my wife's pleas. Please suggest me.
Ans: Hello Sir,
It's clear that you're facing a challenging situation, juggling responsibilities between your elderly mother, your wife, and your own desire for some personal time. Balancing these caregiving responsibilities while maintaining a healthy relationship with your wife can be emotionally and physically exhausting. It's essential to find a balance that works for everyone involved, including yourself. Seeking support from your extended family, exploring professional caregiving options, and prioritizing open communication can contribute to finding a more sustainable and harmonious caregiving arrangement. Have an open and honest conversation with your sisters about your situation, expressing your need for support. Emphasize the strain it's putting on your relationship with your wife and the importance of having some time for yourselves. Consider organizing a family meeting where you can discuss the caregiving responsibilities and come up with a plan that works for everyone. This can help distribute the load more evenly and address any concerns or misunderstandings Explore the option of hiring a professional caregiver or nurse to provide assistance to your mother. This could ease the burden on you and provide a more structured care plan for your mother's needsTake care of your own health and well-being. Work with your sisters to establish a schedule for them to take turns caring for your mother. This way, you can plan your personal time in advance and ensure that your wife's concerns are addressed. Ensure you are not neglecting your physical and mental health in the midst of caregiving responsibilities.
Latest Questions

Moneywize   |59 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Feb 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 24, 2024Translate
I will be retiring in October 2024 and expecting a retirement corpus of Rs 80 lakh. I would be spending 60 per cent of this amount on my son’s medical admission and studies. How should I invest the rest in different sectors to earn monthly income of nearly about 40,000?
Ans: Given your retirement corpus of Rs 80 lakh and your plan to allocate 60% of it towards your son's medical admission and studies, which amounts to Rs 48 lakh, you'll have Rs 32 lakh remaining for investment. To generate a monthly income of approximately Rs 40,000, you'll need to carefully plan your investment strategy. Here's a suggested approach:

1. Assess Your Risk Tolerance: Before investing, consider your risk tolerance, investment horizon, and financial goals. Since you're retiring soon and seeking a regular monthly income, it's advisable to focus on relatively stable and income-generating investment options.

2. Allocate Funds: With Rs 32 lakh available for investment, you can allocate the amount across different investment instruments to achieve diversification and manage risk.

3 Income-Generating Investments: To generate a monthly income of Rs 40,000, you'll need investments that offer regular payouts. Here are some options to consider:

a. Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS): This government-backed savings scheme offers quarterly interest payouts. You can invest up to Rs 15 lakh individually and earn regular income at a fixed interest rate, currently around 7.4% per annum.

b. Post Office Monthly Income Scheme (POMIS): Another government-backed scheme that provides monthly income. The maximum investment limit is Rs 4.5 lakh for an individual account and Rs 9 lakh for a joint account. The current interest rate is around 6.6% per annum.

c. Fixed Deposits (FDs): Consider investing a portion of your corpus in fixed deposits offered by banks or financial institutions. Opt for monthly interest payout FDs to generate regular income.

d. Debt Mutual Funds: Invest a portion in debt mutual funds that focus on generating steady income with relatively lower risk compared to equity funds. Choose funds with a track record of consistent returns and low expense ratios.

4. Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): For investments in mutual funds or other growth-oriented instruments, consider setting up a systematic withdrawal plan. SWP allows you to withdraw a fixed amount regularly, which can serve as your monthly income.

5. Emergency Fund: Set aside a portion of your corpus as an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses or contingencies. This fund should be easily accessible and parked in liquid or low-risk instruments like savings accounts or liquid funds.

6. Review and Adjust: Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals and income requirements. Adjust your asset allocation and investment strategy as needed based on changing market conditions and personal circumstances.

It's crucial to consult with a financial advisor or planner who can provide personalised advice based on your specific situation and goals. They can help you create a comprehensive retirement plan and investment strategy tailored to your needs, risk tolerance, and income requirements. Additionally, consider tax implications on your investment income and consult with a tax advisor to optimise your tax efficiency.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.


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