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Torn Between Wife and Mother: How Do I Reconcile Their Tense Relationship?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1267 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 14, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 12, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

HI mam, i am 55 year old married staying with wife & two daughters & i am earning a good salary, no loans nothing & we can live happily. My wife bit under educated ( 12 std) & she has some health issues also (arthritis from past one year) & getting treatment. We are living separately from my parents from the past 17 years. My wife does not like my mother ( 80 years with old age health issues) coming to my home since my wife commanded by my mother when we were staying with my parents 17 years back. Still she has that old days struggle in her mind & there is a clash between me & my wife whenever my mother comes to my home. So many times I told her to forget all old bad days memories live today's happy life which she never wants to forget. My father passed away 04 years back & my mother comes to my home whenever there is a function or due to health issue stays for hardly about 15-20 days in a year. How to resolve this issue & get back happiness in my family.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I wish it were easy to forget...and it's a matter of choice whether we want to keep the past behind us or bring it again and again in out present moment. If your wife does not choose to keep the past behind, it is going to be a huge nightmare for you and especially you constantly having to mediate between your mother and wife.
Yes, since your mother stays only for a few days with you in a year, it is fair of you to expect your wife to 'adjust'...But she is unwilling, so what do you do?
If you can afford to keep your mother in a separate room and have someone care for her just for those 20 days, it will keep your wife away and having to do anything with your mother. So, your mother's needs are taken care of AND your wife has nothing to do with her.
You cannot force anyone to like someone else and that's what is happening at your home. Your wife has her reasons and your mother would have had hers when she was playing the active role of a mother-in-law. Let bygones be bygones. You want your mother to be treated well for that short time in your home; then give her just that...But without expecting that your wife is going to agree to anything. Instead, do what you need to for your ageing mother but keep your wife off the responsibility...That should keep both sides satisfied...
Life is filled with curve balls; you just learn to navigate then better every time...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

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I am 81 yrs old, married for the last 52 yrs. living in a joint family. Have had good working life in Indian and foreign companies for almost 45/50 yrs. Facing health problems for the last 18 yrs. Had angioplasty three times and open heart surgery once. Son and his wife looked after me so well and gave me another lease of life. Wife did not bother much because she is mostly either talking to her mother, who is 93 yrs old, and is not taken care of by her daughter in law because of their lack of understanding for the last many years. Both of them always live in their past and are in the habit of ruining their present My wife is always inclined towards her sisters and mother and never had good relations with her daughter in law and would always find fault with her. My daughter in law is a working professional and is very much sincere and devoted and took care of me always during my post many surgical operations. Kindly suggest what to do and change thinking of my wife at this late period of my life and live peacefully for the remaining period of my life.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing in your family life. It's understandable that you would like to live peacefully during the remaining period of your life. While changing someone's thinking and behavior can be difficult, there are a few steps you can consider taking to address the situation:

Open and honest communication: Arrange a calm and private conversation with your wife where you express your feelings and concerns. Let her know that you value her and your daughter-in-law, and that you wish for a peaceful and harmonious family life.
Seek professional help: If the communication between your wife and daughter-in-law has been strained for many years, it might be beneficial to involve a professional mediator or family therapist. A neutral third party can help facilitate discussions and provide guidance on resolving conflicts.
Encourage empathy and understanding: Try to foster understanding and empathy between your wife and daughter-in-law by encouraging them to see things from each other's perspectives. Emphasize the importance of family unity and the positive aspects of their relationship.
Focus on positive experiences: Remind your wife of the care and support she has received from your daughter-in-law over the years. Highlight the positive moments and express gratitude for the love and attention you've all received.
Encourage shared activities: Suggest engaging in shared activities or hobbies that can help strengthen the bond between your wife and daughter-in-law. This could be something as simple as going for walks together or participating in a hobby that they both enjoy.
Promote family harmony: Reinforce the importance of family unity and encourage everyone to work towards a peaceful and harmonious living environment. This may require compromises and understanding from all parties involved.
It's important to remember that change takes time and effort, and not all situations can be completely resolved. However, by fostering open communication, seeking professional guidance, and encouraging empathy, there is a possibility of improving the relationships within your family.

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Kanchan

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 01, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2024Hindi
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Hi I am 64 years old. Still workig in a Private company. My mother is 85 years old and she is with me since my father's death in 1985. I have lost my brother in an accident in 1985. I have three sisters all are living in my city only. My mother is almost bedridden. My wife, 62 years old is a heart patient and recently she has fallen and her knee got fractured. My wife and my mother never liked each other and always quarrel. My mother , being very week and helpless, always scolds my wife. We have made an arrangement with a catering guy who takes care of my mother's lunch. But dinner i have to prepare everyday which i have been doing for the last 20 years. My three sisters often come to visit my mother and give her fruits etc etc to please her. The problem is they agree to keep my mother in their homes once in while for two or three days but i have to beg them always when i have to go for any functions or to visit places , temples. But they never come forward to support me even if i am sick or if i have to attend any marriages, functions. This gives a scope for my wife to quarrel with me and many times we have cancelled our tickets just to be at home to look after my mother. Please tell me what to do do. I am also becoming old and want to take my wife with me to attend functions and to show her the places, as a husband. And my wife always quarrels with me that if at this age when we are able to walk and capable of going to places, when can we go ? I am not able to convince my three sister(elder one is already bedridden so i can not ask her )_ nor i am in a position to do justice to my wife's pleas. Please suggest me.
Ans: Hello Sir,
It's clear that you're facing a challenging situation, juggling responsibilities between your elderly mother, your wife, and your own desire for some personal time. Balancing these caregiving responsibilities while maintaining a healthy relationship with your wife can be emotionally and physically exhausting. It's essential to find a balance that works for everyone involved, including yourself. Seeking support from your extended family, exploring professional caregiving options, and prioritizing open communication can contribute to finding a more sustainable and harmonious caregiving arrangement. Have an open and honest conversation with your sisters about your situation, expressing your need for support. Emphasize the strain it's putting on your relationship with your wife and the importance of having some time for yourselves. Consider organizing a family meeting where you can discuss the caregiving responsibilities and come up with a plan that works for everyone. This can help distribute the load more evenly and address any concerns or misunderstandings Explore the option of hiring a professional caregiver or nurse to provide assistance to your mother. This could ease the burden on you and provide a more structured care plan for your mother's needsTake care of your own health and well-being. Work with your sisters to establish a schedule for them to take turns caring for your mother. This way, you can plan your personal time in advance and ensure that your wife's concerns are addressed. Ensure you are not neglecting your physical and mental health in the midst of caregiving responsibilities.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |389 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 29, 2024

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I am 42 years old, working in a PSU bank for 11 years. I have my Mother at home who is 73 years and retired state govt. Officer. My Father passed away in 2013 just after I joined my job. He was a state govt. Officer. I am married and have one son 8.5 years old studying in class 4. My wife is working in state govt. She often leaves my home with our son and goes to her father's place which is just near to my house because of minor issues like any hot talk with me. She has no problem with my Mother. We had a love marriage and we dated for 13 years and in 2015 got married. I am a family bound guy but when wife leaves me, I and mostly my Mother falls into trouble due to all household works are to be done by her as I have minimum time in the morning to help her. Our maid left one months back. I am searching one but not getting. Last year I and my wife stayed apart for 9 months in total, not at a time but in two parts. I sent her lawyers letter 3 months back after she left me in January this year. She came back 2 months back and left again after one month. I really miss my son and wife when they are not with me. My Mother also miss her grandson and becomes hopeless. I can't find any solution to this. Please suggest what will I do. I have lots of pressure at workplace and not satisfied with my job too as bank has lots of problems these days. I think of leaving job to support my Mother. I will leave job surely if something odd happens to my Mother. My Father took 3 words from me before death to Look after Mother, to look after house and to look after the house belongings. Already I am unable to keep all 3 words properly. I feel guilty of myself. Please guide me about my career and family life.
Ans: Dear DP
Navigating your current situation requires a strategic approach that balances your professional and personal responsibilities. Communication is key. Have an open and calm conversation with your wife to understand her perspective and express your concerns without assigning blame. Counseling can be beneficial here, offering a neutral space to discuss underlying issues and improve your relationship dynamics.

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Addressing your job dissatisfaction is also crucial. Explore other roles within your bank or in other PSUs that match your skills but offer a less stressful environment. Professional development can open new career opportunities. Taking regular breaks, practicing mindfulness, and ensuring a work-life balance can help manage your stress levels.

By focusing on these areas—open communication with your wife, practical support for your mother, and exploring less stressful job options—you can work towards a more stable and fulfilling family and professional life.

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Radheshyam

Radheshyam Zanwar  |1025 Answers  |Ask -

MHT-CET, IIT-JEE, NEET-UG Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 05, 2024Hindi
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I'm 18 years old and currently preparing for neet as a dropper student. I'm from bihar but I live in haryana since my childhood. I have a boyfriend, he is doing btech and it has been 1.5 years since we are together we love each other he supports me in everything but the problem here is I lied him about my birthplace and told him that I belong to UP as UP is a bit better place than bihar. Idk i just feel ashamed to tell anyone that I'm from bihar so I just tell everyone that I'm from UP. Now I'm feeling very guilty in my own that I lied to him about such a basic and important thing and yesterday he Also mentioned that his mother never want a bihari girl, and he is a punjabi. I just don't know what should I do how will he react after knowing the truth and also I'm afraid that he will broke up with me.. I'm also having my neet exam in 6 months. I planned that i will tell him after my exam but I'm just feeling too guilty that I'm hiding this thing from him
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Keep mum for the next 6-7 months. Keep a safe distance from your boyfriend. Focus only on NEET preparation. Try to excel in NEET. Wait till the results are out. If you score well and get admitted to Govt Medical College, then open up in front of your boyfriend. He and his family members will accept you because you are becoming a doctor! But after taking the NEET examination, if you feel that you can't score as expected, then tell the truth to your boyfriend. If he loves you from the bottom of his heart, he will forgive you. But if not. then you assume that god has saved you from him!
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Best of luck with your upcoming NEET Examination.

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my Son has done BTech in computer Science in 2023 from NIT Jalandhar and campus placed in Indian Fintech and earning 15CTC. He is gaining experience there for more than one year for now. What is advisable for future course go for Masters in USA or any other country or continue with job in India by switching companies. Due to job market crunch he is also preparing for upto Group B level Govt jobs as Plan B. What would be best advice for long term and settling after marriage.
Ans: Please have one directional goal. No dual policy. Let him go for MS from some good American University and after that he can get a good job in USA. No point in switching companies in India. A rolling stone gathers no moss. Forget about Govt. job in India. His talent won't be utilized and there will be routine transfers. So hit the bull's eye. Have a decent GRE and TOEFL score, have three good recommendation from his professors, one good SOP (statement of purpose) and after seeing the GRE score I will suggest the universities. Mostly in all the reputed universities of USA at least one student of mine is there sas a Professor and half of the year I stay in USA. No worries. I am there to counsel him. Only he must fix one aim. No ambiguity. Have unique aim, work hard with proper decision, rest the guidance will be given by me. Recommended more than hundred students to different reputed universities of US right from Princeton to Texas A&M, Clemson to Vermont. Never forget that I AM THERE BY THE SIDE OF YOUR SON LIKE AN INVISIBLE SHADOW TO PROTECT HIM AND GUIDE HIM.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6970 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 05, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi I am 39 years old working professional with take home salary of Rs. 2.25 lacs/month. I have taken home loan in last month for Rs. 30 lacs with monthly EMI of Rs. 60k. My monthly House hold expenses are Rs. 50k. From 2022 I am investing Rs. 35k in MF via monthly SIP in ratio of 40:30:20:10 in Large:Mid:small:Debt. I have 2 Sons for 8 years and 3 years respectively. My Goal is to have sufficient corpus for their higher education and to achieve financial independence ASAP. Pl guide..
Ans: Your proactive approach towards securing financial independence and planning for your children’s education is commendable. At 39, you have a robust salary, structured expenses, and disciplined investments. Let's examine your financial standing, assess your goals, and outline strategies for optimal growth and security.

Current Financial Overview
Monthly Income: Rs 2.25 lakh

Home Loan EMI: Rs 60,000 (new loan of Rs 30 lakh)

Household Expenses: Rs 50,000

Monthly SIP in Mutual Funds: Rs 35,000 (split across large, mid, small-cap, and debt funds)

You have taken significant steps with a home purchase and ongoing SIPs. Let’s optimise these resources to achieve financial independence and build a corpus for your children’s education.

Goal-Based Financial Planning
1. Higher Education Corpus for Children
Education expenses rise significantly due to inflation, particularly for quality higher education.

With your sons aged 8 and 3, plan for their higher education in 10-15 years.

To achieve this, increase your SIPs in equity-focused funds. Equities provide inflation-beating returns over the long term.

Maintain a systematic approach, with SIPs focused on growth-oriented funds (large and mid-cap funds are ideal).

Regularly review this corpus every 2-3 years to ensure it aligns with educational costs.

2. Financial Independence
Early financial independence requires strategic savings and investment growth.

Aim to build a corpus that covers at least 25 times your annual expenses.

At present, Rs 50,000 monthly expenses indicate a future goal corpus of Rs 1.5-2 crore, adjusting for inflation.

Your current SIPs are a great start, but gradually increase SIPs to achieve a sizeable retirement fund.

Consider adding more equity exposure for growth and inflation protection, while adding debt as retirement nears.

Debt Management and EMI Strategy
Home loan EMI is Rs 60,000, a significant commitment for 20 years. This can limit cash flow for other investments.

Aim to prepay your loan when possible to reduce interest outflow and loan tenure.

You may consider setting aside a small portion of bonuses or salary hikes for periodic prepayments.

Reducing debt earlier will provide more cash flow to focus on investments.

Optimising Your SIP Strategy
Equity Allocation: Your SIP allocation is split 40:30:20:10 across large, mid, small, and debt categories.

Large-cap funds offer stability, while mid and small caps drive growth. The debt allocation provides balance but may be increased as you approach retirement.

Avoid Index Funds: Index funds, while popular, lack active management, which can be limiting. Actively managed funds adjust to market conditions, providing a higher potential for returns. Certified Financial Planners (CFP) can guide you on the best funds for your goals, particularly with growth in mind.

Consider Regular Funds Over Direct: Regular funds provide personalised guidance, performance reviews, and rebalancing through Certified Financial Planners, which direct funds lack. Regular investments managed by certified experts offer better long-term growth.

Building Contingency and Protection
1. Emergency Fund
Ensure an emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses (about Rs 4-6 lakh), kept in easily accessible accounts like liquid funds.

This fund will protect your long-term investments in case of unexpected expenses.

2. Insurance Needs
Adequate life and health insurance are essential, especially with dependents and ongoing liabilities.

Life insurance should cover at least 10 times your annual income, which could be achieved with a simple term insurance policy.

Health insurance for the family is essential to avoid dipping into savings during medical emergencies. Ensure coverage is comprehensive to handle inflation in healthcare.

Tax Efficiency in Investments
New tax rules affect mutual fund capital gains. For equity funds, long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%, while short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income slab. Plan to withdraw strategically to minimise tax impact.

Periodic portfolio reviews and structured withdrawals can help reduce your tax liability.

Nurturing Long-Term Wealth Growth
PPF and Debt Instruments: PPF and debt mutual funds provide stability but may fall short on inflation-adjusted growth. Maintain debt instruments as a smaller part of your portfolio until retirement nears.

Equities for Wealth Accumulation: Equities remain ideal for long-term goals like retirement and education due to their inflation-beating growth.

Review your mutual fund choices periodically to ensure they are high-performing and aligned with your growth goals.

Final Insights
Achieving financial independence and funding your children’s education are achievable with disciplined investments, a focus on growth, and debt management. Regular monitoring, along with a Certified Financial Planner’s advice, will ensure you stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Prof Suvasish

Prof Suvasish Mukhopadhyay  |7 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

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I am a 29 year old completed her Masters in Psychology 5 years ago. Presently i am working, on a contractual basis ,as a Patient Counsellor for Oncology department in a local well reputed hospital and my work contract is coming to an end. I always aspire to make a mark in the field of Psychology and contribute in a better way for Indian space, bring awareness and popularity in India. My mind also goes to UGC NET or school counseling, plus I am yet to do any M. Phil or PhD yet however I am little unsure regarding my capacity. But I do want to go ahead in my career. I need your guidance regarding taking the next step for a better career. Please help me out.
Ans: I am really very happy to see the positive mind frame of yours. I do think teaching ( i.e. College Teaching) will be the best job for you. At a time you and teach and counsel. Please don't be unsure about your capacity, from your writing it is crystal clear that you do have the required capacity to do M.Phil and Ph.D. Only your age is a bit high, because if you do M.Phil and Ph.D then it will take at least six years time and by that time you will be 35. If you are ready you can apply to some Universities of Germany for doing Ph.D directly. There M.Phil is not required. In Germany for ladies education is free. Only you need to have knowledge of primary German language for a smooth sailing. In school there is little bit use of Psychology, because the subject of Psychology is not there.
Your next step will be having a permanent job. Unless the basic needs are assured you can't concentrate. In India very few persons get job satisfaction. So if you appear for the state PSC exam, you may crack it, but Psychology won't be there, you may be a Deputy Collector or Sales Tax Officer with periodic transfer and lot of respect cum status. But don't be morose. Even being in other job you can give free counselling of Psychology online free of cost just to pursue your hobby. My basic answer is that first grab a full time job and then pursue your passion. Right now don't go for M.Phil and Ph.D.Higher degrees and age are proportional to each other. In last five years you must have completed M.Phil and started Ph.D. But no point in lamenting over the spilt milk. So two option 1) Do Ph.D from Germany 2) Grab a Govt or Private job which is not contractual. Take proper decision. That is the most important thing in career building. Never go for split mind and never try for true option. Make your aim fix and target it and I am sure you will achieve it.
Now just procure a permanent job and pursue your hobby of Psychology.Best of Luck. Prof. Mukhopadhyay

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T S Khurana

T S Khurana   |173 Answers  |Ask -

Tax Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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