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Spouse acting like stranger, what should I do?

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |475 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 14, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
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Salman Question by Salman on Nov 14, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hi, I got married to my ex gf in an arranged setup. I had a 7 year of relationship with her before breakup. My career switch try from private to govt job was the reason. When I failed I returned back to corporate. 3 years after the breakup her father who is a good friend of my father sent proposal which led to our marriage. No one knew that we dated. We never had a word between the acceptance and marriage. None of us initiated the conversation. When she came after marriage her behavior towards me in private is totally strange. We never had an emotional conversation. Neither we discuss romance nor intimacy. In private we hardly have any intellect discussions which was an eternal part before our breakup. But when she is in public she behaves like she cares for me a lot. She is a darling of everyone in the house whether my parents or siblings. Most of the time she remains with my mother and she has good bond. In front of her she cares for me a lot. She had this double faced attitude from the first day. Our intimacy is limited to my ask she could agree or disagree but she never initiated it. She was pretty passionate before our breakup which I never saw after our marriage. I tried everything but nothing has happened she never opened up. She disconnected with almost all our mutual friends after marriage. Whenever I tried through some of her friends she says to them I overthink a lot. Marriages and relationships differs. All useless and weird reasons. Everyone blames my teenage short temper issue. Which I have completely overcame when I started working. After marriage we had a boy. She says no for a next child for which I am fine. But the problem is now my child is growing and she has started understanding her hypocrisy. Now she blames me for teaching him wrong things. We hardly had fights as she walks out or I won't say word usually after she didn't answer for anything. I am unable to see the light in this relationship. She had 3 relationships in between but I never had one which I never discussed. Now I hardly ask for anything. Day by day we are becoming only room partners or fake couples in public. Everyone sees her as an ideal daughter in law or wife due to her public hypocrisy. Please guide.

Ans: Dear Salman,
I understand that marital issues take a huge toll on people. Whatever you are feeling, it is very normal. I strongly suggest you seek professional help- you can either opt for personal counseling sessions to manage the distress caused by your partner's indifference, or the best approach is to convince your wife to go for marriage counseling with you. It would be good to get to the root of the matter; why is she behaving a certain way, where is this coming from, are there unresolved issues from when you dated? These questions will finally get an answer and you can work on them together. If she does not agree to go, tell her to do it for your child. No child should have to see their parents unhappy with each other.

Hope this helps.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |475 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 22, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 21, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Ravi, I am currently in relationship of almost 7 years but after the COVID there was some conflict or no contact with my partner just because of a scenario. I always used to order some food for her at his flat. Let me clear one things we were in a long term relationship that time. So I ordered food and she got the order then called me in the night with a different voice tone, I said yes then It felt odd. Then she said someone is here I will call you back. Then she didn't so I called her after 2 hour she rejected and after sometime messaged me on whatsapp that deleted everything our chats and conversation because she caught by his brother (who is 10 years older than her), she told me to not contact her she will call or message only. I got scared I deleted all chats because her brother is so rude and arrogant. After 10 days she called me and said we are not going further with this relationship now on we will not be in touch, I was devastated by listening these things so I tried my best to make her understand that I will talk to your parents or brother but she denied NO and said I will again talk with bro. After these scenario she tried not to contact me and I kept trying to reach out to her via messanger because she has blocked me from everywhere. I cried alot in first 2 month then I started to link all those things that she said and try to find out the matter ( note - she got lot of friends) so I found that she in her flat then I got the tickets and go there to see what is happening I waited for the whole day then in the evening I go upstairs and open the doors, she got scared h and stunned by seeing me and I saw a guy in the flat they having hookah then I said give me my stuff and ask her to talk for the final tine 10 min downstairs. She said not now then didn't came. I took my stuff nd leave the next day I tried to over come this situation nd reaching out to his bro but didn't get connected. She also called me the next day nd her frnd but I was not able to talk. After we got disconnected for sometime. And I am a person who always wanted to know the truth behind the things because I can't live with these traumas in my mind so I tried contacting her asked lot of time why did you do that nd all but kept denying that he is just a friend. After sometime on day she came with sone massages nd saying my mom is not good nd there is nothing going well in my house plss sorry nd all so I took it normally but after sometime we got attracted again little bit then realise that we can try atleast once to be together. I know she loves me but I don't like her priorities she always put his frnds over me. Idk what to do pls tell me the way to cop up with this thing. Also I still have in mind that she has something to tell me about that boy but not telling me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand how challenging it must be for you; I get that you are considering giving it another shot, but please be careful. If there is any doubt, anything at all, do address that right now before you are knee-deep in the relationship again. I suggest you tell your partner to first sit and clear out everything that happened before you two broke up and explain how you need a clean slate and for that, you have to know the truth.

If you suspect cheating in the past breakup, be cautious about getting back together and thinking it through. Do you want to patch things up because you love her or is the idea of being together again more comfortable than the idea of having to move on? We go back to the same person, even if it's toxic for us because there's comfort in familiarity, not because it's the best choice. It's time for introspection. Also, don't feel guilty about saying no to getting back together if it's not the right decision for you. Whether it was family issues or infidelity, she chose what seemed best for her at the time, and it's okay for you to do the same.

Best Wishes!

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |475 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 01, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 22, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, myself is 31 years old guy and I was in relationship with the women (collegue of mine in previous company) who is married and had 1 son and she is 9 years elder then me. Basically I was going through a tough time as I had breakup in 2017 and started drinking and smoking which usually everybody does after a heartbreak. In year 2019 she got to know about my drinking habits and she starting giving her time to me so that I stop all this things. She used to behind me to stop all these things but gradually after a year or so we started developing feelings for each other. We used to talk to a lot like almost we used to share everything and in year 2020 we got into relation and we proposed each other. Everything was fine till 2021. In year 2021 I went for a group picnic where my Ex was also present and my biggest mistake was that I didn't shared this thing with her but she got to know this from one of our common collegue who was also part of the picnic & after that disaster started in our life. She started doubting me that I am still in relation with my Ex but I was not there & continuously I have to prove myself that I don't have any feelings for my ex & I love you only. I was ready to do anything for her even just to surprise her I travel to her city where she went on vacation to her parents house. But unfortunately that was the last time we were together the moment I came to my hometown things started getting worse as she again started doubting me and in anger I just burst on her and after that she stopped talking and bcz of which I went into a depression and due to which I was completely mess was not able to do anything in my life except drinking. Now it has been 2 years that we don't talk except only on some occasion she calls or msg. Still I am having the same feeling for her which I had 3 years back & I need her back in my life. Please suggest me what should I do in this scenario.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear you are facing such challenges in your life. Doubt and jealousy can ruin a relationship and your relationship is proof of that. While you might not have had bad intentions when you did not reveal your ex being present in the gathering with you, it is also understandable that your partner's trust suffered a crack which finally gave away completely. The thing to learn here is that open communication could have saved you all these sufferings. But that's all in the past. Right now you are separated from your partner and I assume she is not interested in getting back together. Your question should not be how to get her back, but rather how can I move on. Your job is not to convince her but to convince yourself that this is for the best. And it truly is; no relationship can survive in the shadows of doubt.

Focus on yourself. Spend time with your friends. Understand that you made a tiny mistake but you tried your best to convince your partner of your loyalty to her; it did not work out but you are not to blame. Some things just don't, and your relationship was one of those things. Forgive yourself if you feel guilty for not disclosing the situation to your partner. You know you were not a cheater and it's no longer your job to convince her of that. Give yourself ample time to grieve the loss and accept that it's lost. Don't keep looking for ways to get back together or you will never move on. It will hurt in the beginning but it will get better soon. Once you feel better, go out and meet people. I am not saying your ex-partner wasn't great but trust me, there are more people out there, who are amazing; they will help you not just heal but also grow.

It's time to let go.

Best Wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1410 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, I married 1 year ago my wife told me she was forced to do a marriage against her concern and she didn't want the marriage life and wanted to live as strangers, also she refused to take wife responsibilities at home i have waited trusting she would change but she never changed. She is alone daughter to her parents borned after 16 years to their parents and she used to live outside around 17 year for her studies. After marriage whenever her parents come she used to ignore me, also she work in private sector and not share even single rupee to home. However all house hold work i do being boy, also she is not at all interested in intercource as well. After marriage 2 week she stayed in PG stating that my close friend will go to native allow me to spend time with her reast all i will be with you like. I agreed. Later 6 Month she used to give reasons for intercource i got periods, rashes, not feeling good, tiered, no mood, etc this happen till 6 month. After this we had 4 times in 2 month with protection that too just for 1 or 2 min as she mentioned lot of pain, after that she started avoiding, since i was not fulfilled by sex desire i started making extra marital affairs in facebook and turned to whatsapp only text, one fine day she saw all msgs i did with extra marital affair and she took photos of that and went to PG without informing any one. Later both families elder sat and asked she used to show the msgs that i did with extra marital affairs and she wanted seperate now from me. Though i accepted the extra marital affairs only interms of msgs and since you not willing to do sex i choose this way i mentioned. But she dont like to come back now. Her father took 2 month of time that he will change her mind set but i dont think she can. As her mother is also not good women, suporting her daughter and making such big issues and she also not interested in this marriage itself.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Sometimes people are just not ready for marriage and here your wife certainly came along with a huge baggage of unresolved issues behind her.
Marriage requires both partners to be responsible not just towards one another but take an active interest in their roles. This calls for maturity from both partners here.
Now, this was never a possibility with your spouse as she felt the marriage was a forced one. That is enough to destroy any chances of the marriage falling in place. You are also in a soup now that she has found her 'proof' that gives her a ticket out of this marriage.
The question here is: Do you want this marriage? If YES, then you will have to start down the part of proving your innocence and what led to what and how and when...If NO, then since your spouse has found her ticket to freedom, the only thing you might have to do is clearly state and not explain anything as to how things went downhill right from the beginning. Her parents may believe you or not, but that's what your decision needs. They may try to malign you in the family, just stick to your version of what happened and move on.
So, you are at that point where you need to make a decision. What is it going to be?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1410 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi , I am a professor mech engineer , after death of my wife and due to having 5 year girl baby I planned for 2 nd marriage as I live alone away from home town because my of job with my little baby . I accepted a widow having 2 child ,she was working in a govt job 250 km away , after ensuring and agreeing her possibility of transfer and job vacancy @govt office near my house and ensuring she agreed that she will come to live with me along with her 2 kids and my little baby as her trasfer was due in comming few months . We lived apart during her job at 250 km away.,while meeting on weekly offs 6 /7 time in 6 months , then she take 360 degree u turn and said she will not get job transfer to my place and get her trasfer in other dept. in same previous office. And started telling many reasons like she will loose her children's inheritance in her in-laws property ,she will loose promotion , kids Don't want trasfer , and said we will live apart forever . This was contradictory to earlier agreed things .and my my purpose to live in family with my baby not fulfilled , so after long ruckus ,I mutually got divorce from her , Then After divorce I decided to marry non working women having no child and don't expect child as I am @48 year old and tired of living alone and managing job ,girl , house chores . I married to a divorcee girl from Pune ,she was BA first year college drop out girl of 44 yr age after 6 months of long dating on week ends . During 6 months I tried to know her indepth but was don't used to talk much as I was trying to know her true nature, we visited many places ,movies . She seemed perfect as per my requirement of girl wanting no child , and she is house wife . after marriage she behave well for 1 st week ,then she started trouble to hate my baby ( became kaikai )on pety things , she want my baby to house chores at the cost of her important year of 10th std study . She don't liked me taking tution of girl , she didn't like if I help my girl any way . She don't like if I spent some money on my girl . She used to fight all night and don't let me sleep . Now she stated demanding that she want baby , though I was against and b4 marriage agreed to not have any more child due to old age ,cost ,and no personal time for self , then I agreed to have child but b4 that I got her and my fertility tested ,she had weak eggs and syst on her reproductive organs and doc warned to not go for pregnancy due to risk and probability of unhealthy baby birth , but she kept repeating That she want child we consulted 4 Drs. She used to fight and go to her mother's home for 2/4 months after living with me for 2/3 days only . Now she wants divorce , and asks me to keep my girl in hostel if I want her in my life . This Ramayan has left me baffled , What should I do ??? .....
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The reason to marry for you mainly has been companionship, a mother for your daughter...
And marriage is not a transaction BUT a meeting of minds...when there is no compatibility, there is no space for agreeing on the same things or wanting to make things work which is possibly what has happened with your 2nd and 3rd marriage.
If you want this marriage to work, there has to be an equal commitment by both of you, so, start by emotionally bonding first. Slowly build on this by making goals for the marriage and the future...your only goal can't be mother for your child...not all women are going to readily accept this and some may even falter along the way. Allow the lady and your daughter to bond together for sometime so they develop a unique relationship...
Understand that transactional relationships do not last; so, invest enough time in building trust in that companionship for it to become something meaningful

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7365 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi Team, I am 30 and have below SIPs. Please review them and let me know if i have to make any changes. Hdfc large & Mid cap fund - 5000 Motilal Oswal Mid cap fund - 5000 Kotak infrastructure and eco fund - 2000 PGIM India Mid Cap Opportunities Fund- 5000 SBI Contra -1500 Motila Oswal business cycle fund-3000 Focus is to continue SIP for longterm
Ans: Your portfolio reflects a proactive approach to wealth creation. Each fund serves a distinct purpose. Let's assess and optimise your investments for long-term growth.

Strengths of Your Current Portfolio
Diverse Investment Strategy: Your funds cover multiple segments like large-cap, mid-cap, and thematic investments.

Long-Term Focus: A consistent SIP approach aligns with compounding benefits and market cycles.

Mid-Cap Exposure: Allocating significant SIPs to mid-cap funds positions your portfolio for growth.

Inclusion of Thematic Funds: Thematic funds add sectoral focus, offering opportunities in specific growth areas.

Areas for Improvement
Concentration in Mid-Cap Funds: A high allocation to mid-cap funds can increase volatility. Diversification is key.

Overlapping Thematic Focus: Funds with sectoral or cyclical focus may overlap in strategy.

Balance Between Growth and Stability: Adding more stability-focused funds can protect the portfolio in downturns.

Fund-Specific Observations
Large and Mid-Cap Fund
This fund balances growth and stability.

Retain this allocation for consistent returns and risk management.

Mid-Cap Funds
Significant allocation to mid-cap funds is growth-oriented.

Review performance and overlap to avoid redundancy.

Consider reallocating some amount to flexi-cap funds for diversification.

Thematic Infrastructure Fund
Sector-focused funds can be volatile and dependent on market cycles.

Limit thematic exposure to 10% of your overall portfolio.

Monitor this fund closely to ensure it aligns with your goals.

Contra and Business Cycle Funds
Both funds are contrarian and cyclical in nature.

Overlapping strategies may lead to concentration risk.

Retain one fund and reallocate the other to a balanced or flexi-cap fund.

Recommendations for Portfolio Optimisation
Enhance Diversification
Add a balanced allocation to large-cap or flexi-cap funds for stability.

Diversification reduces risk and enhances long-term returns.

Monitor and Evaluate Performance
Regularly review fund performance to ensure alignment with goals.

Replace underperforming funds without hesitation.

Adjust Thematic and Sectoral Exposure
Limit thematic funds to a smaller portion of your portfolio.

Sector-focused funds are cyclical and require active monitoring.

Tax-Efficiency
Long-term equity fund gains above Rs. 1.25 lakh attract 12.5% tax.

Short-term gains attract a 20% tax.

Consider tax efficiency while planning redemptions.

Importance of Regular Funds
Direct funds lack personalised guidance and portfolio tracking.

Investing through a Certified Financial Planner ensures regular reviews and professional advice.

Regular funds offer value-added services and align with long-term goals.

Final Insights
Your portfolio is well-structured for long-term growth but needs refinement.

Reduce concentration in mid-cap and thematic funds for better risk management.

Increase exposure to diversified and balanced funds for stability.

Seek professional guidance to optimise performance and adapt to market trends.

Your disciplined SIP approach will reward you over time. Stay consistent and review periodically.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7365 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello, Sir. I am a 41-year-old male with a 9-year-old son and a housewife. I need advise on how to undertake financial planning because I want to retire early, perhaps at age 48-50. I am currently outside of India and have 2.5 crore in NRE FDs, roughly 60 lakhs in Mutual Funds, 8 lakhs in share market, and 8 lakhs in PF. I have floater health insurance for 15 lakhs. Some LIC's for roughly 5 lakhs. I have one rented flat that pays 12,000 per month and an ancestor property that pays 20,000. In the next 3-6 months, I plan to buy a one-crore flat and return to India permanently in the following few months.I plan to buy a one-crore flat in the next 3-6 months, return to India permanently in the next 1-2 months, and work for an IT company with an annual income of approximately 25-35 lacs. I know I lost the opportunity to invest some money during/after the covid time; else, I would have had a somewhat better portfolio. I need your advice on how to properly invest my FD's money.
Ans: Planning for early retirement requires careful analysis and structured execution. Your current financial situation reflects a strong foundation. Let’s optimise your resources to achieve your goals.

Assessing Current Financial Standing
Your assets are well-distributed across various instruments:

Rs. 2.5 crore in NRE FDs
Rs. 60 lakhs in Mutual Funds
Rs. 8 lakhs in shares
Rs. 8 lakhs in PF
Floater health insurance for Rs. 15 lakhs
Rs. 12,000 rental income from one flat
Rs. 20,000 rental income from ancestral property
LIC policies worth Rs. 5 lakhs
This portfolio indicates a mix of liquidity, growth, and stability.

Setting Clear Retirement Goals
Define retirement income needs based on desired lifestyle. Early retirement at 48-50 means funding 30-40 years of expenses.

Factor in inflation, medical needs, child’s education, and your family’s future financial security.

Challenges to Address
High allocation to fixed deposits (FDs), which have low returns post-tax.
Underutilisation of mutual funds and equity investments.
Managing new property purchase without compromising retirement corpus.
Optimising Your Investments
Fixed Deposits
Move a significant portion of FD funds to growth-oriented investments.
Retain only a portion for emergencies or short-term needs.
Mutual Funds
Increase allocation to diversified mutual funds.
Focus on a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and flexi-cap funds for growth.
Use regular plans through a Certified Financial Planner for personalised advice and portfolio tracking.
Share Market Investments
Rs. 8 lakhs in shares needs a review. Assess performance and risks.
Shift underperforming or speculative stocks to diversified equity funds.
Provident Fund
PF provides stability. Let it compound till retirement for assured returns.
LIC Policies
Evaluate LIC policies. Surrender low-yield policies and redirect funds to mutual funds.
Ensure sufficient life insurance coverage through term plans.
Managing Real Estate Investments
Your plan to purchase a flat for Rs. 1 crore is prudent. However:

Avoid using FD funds entirely for this purchase.
Opt for a small loan if needed, keeping EMIs manageable.
Leverage rental income from this property to supplement post-retirement income.
Health and Life Insurance
Your Rs. 15 lakh health insurance is adequate for now.
Increase coverage to Rs. 25-30 lakhs upon returning to India.
Secure a term insurance policy with sufficient coverage to protect your family.
Tax Efficiency
Post-return to India, your NRE FDs will lose tax exemptions.

Redirect funds to tax-efficient instruments like equity mutual funds and debt funds.
Long-term capital gains on equity funds are taxed favourably.
Child’s Education and Family’s Security
Allocate a dedicated corpus for your son’s higher education.
A mix of equity and balanced funds will help achieve this goal.
Emergency Fund
Set aside Rs. 15-20 lakhs as a liquid emergency fund.
Use liquid mutual funds or short-term debt funds for easy access.
Regular Monitoring and Review
Review your portfolio every 6-12 months with a Certified Financial Planner.
Adjust allocations based on market trends, personal goals, and economic changes.
Final Insights
Your financial foundation is solid. With strategic changes, you can retire early with confidence.

Diversify investments, optimise tax efficiency, and plan systematically for your goals. Stay disciplined and avoid speculative ventures.

Your foresight in seeking advice ensures a secure and fulfilling retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Dr Nagarajan Jsk

Dr Nagarajan Jsk   |188 Answers  |Ask -

NEET, Medical, Pharmacy Careers - Answered on Dec 27, 2024

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Career
Hello! Sir This is Sravani.I am a M.Pharmacy postgraduate and has a work experience of 6 years in Quality control department in pharma industry.At present i am working in the same department. But i want to go for work from home job.so that i can spend time with my kids. Both my kids are in kindergarten. It's becoming tough for me to manage both job & kids as my working hours are too long. Please do suggest me any kind of work from home job which suits my profile. Regards Sravani
Ans: Hi Sravanthi,

It's great to hear that you have six years of experience in Quality Control (QC). As you know, QC roles are generally onsite, unlike IT roles that can often be done remotely. Given your expertise in QC, you have the option to transition to Quality Assurance (QA), Regulatory Affairs (RA), or the Validation team, but we need to assess the feasibility of such a shift. While it is uncommon, it is possible to find roles in RA, such as preparing and submitting documents, pharmacovigilance, or medical scribing. However, since these are not your areas of expertise, if you choose to pursue them, you may be considered a fresher in those fields.

You also mentioned that need to work long hours. Even with work from home (WFH), you will likely face similar challenges; once you log in, you cannot skip the tasks assigned to you. Being at home may hinder your ability to care for your children, creating additional difficulties.

If you are financially stable, you might consider quitting your current job to find other opportunities or to take care of your family. If not, you will need to weigh your options carefully.

My recommendation is to prefer onsite work rather than WFH.

On a lighter note, there are many advantages to onsite work that can actually save you money—such as reduced electricity bills, food expenses, and travel costs. Compared to WFH, where you may incur higher electricity costs due to using AC and your computer, along with food expenses for snacks and meals.

Logically speaking, as a working woman, if your maid were asking for a WFH arrangement, how would you respond?

As an additional suggestion, you might consider applying for government jobs as a Junior or Senior Analyst in your state’s Drug Testing Lab within the Drugs Control Department.

Ultimately, I recommend that you continue in your current field and potentially explore opportunities in a different company or industry that offers a higher salary. Alternatively, you could also consider transitioning to QA, but ideally in an onsite position.

All the best.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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