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Long Distance Marriage Difficulty: Time Zones, Communication & Moving?

Ravi Mittal |499 Answers |Ask -Follow

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 09, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more

Question by Peter on Dec 09, 2024Hindi

I got married 3 months ago. My wife and I live in two different countries, with a 12-hour time zone difference. During the 10 months we spent getting to know each other before marriage, she never initiated a call or message, but whenever I did, she spoke to me nicely, like once or twice a week. During those calls, she never opened up emotionally and was unable to answer questions like how she felt about this marriage or about me. She always talked about superficial, basic things. After the marriage ceremony and honeymoon, she went back to her country and I stayed in mine. During the 1.5 months we spent together, I felt that whatever preferences I shared with her in terms of dressing, holidays, plans, etc., she didn't bother much to fulfill them to make me happy. For the first two weeks of long-distance relationship (LDR), we spoke for 30 minutes once a week. I shared with her that, in order to have a strong relationship, we need to put more effort and make time for each other, to which she replied that she gets busy with work and family. She said that because I live alone, I’m thinking too much, and that she is already talking to me for 30 minutes, so what else can she do. This made me feel like I’m the only one interested in this marriage and she just wanted the married status, but didn’t really want to work on the relationship. Since then, I sort of tested her by escalating things, like suggesting she move to my country so we could stay together. When she refused, I said I didn’t want to wait 2-3 years until I move to her country if I didn’t have a strong marriage. Then I escalated further by asking her to sign a prenup, because all this while, she hadn't been bothered about what I was saying regarding valuing this marriage and me. I was thinking, if she continues like this, then what type of marriage will I have? How can I have kids with a woman who doesn’t prioritize what her husband needs? Now we are discussing divorce, as I don’t want to waste both of our time. What went wrong here? Is it worth saving? If we get second chance, how to make it better?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am very sorry to hear you are in such a tough spot. While prioritizing your partner's needs is important, it doesn't mean you or her cannot have individual needs or lose your individuality. I just wanted to set this straight before getting into the real issue. Having said that, I do not think what she is doing is fair to you. There is no set amount of time a couple should spend with each other to build a strong relationship; each couple has a different style of expressing love. But in your relationship, since you have repeatedly mentioned needing more time together, it is truly unfair that you didn't get that or the emotional connection you craved. With everything that happened, and your partner being so indifferent, the decision to separate seems like the right one. If the relationship has to be saved, it has to be both your decision and both of you need to put effort into saving it. But after reading your entire question, I am not sure if your partner will be willing to put in the same effort as you. The most you can do here is have one last open talk with her; let her know that you are willing to give this a second chance only if both of you can meet each other halfway. But if she still seems unconcerned about it, I would suggest you think really hard before getting into this again. You deserve someone who can love you the way you love them. Divorce is not easy but it is better than being stuck in an unhappy marriage.

Hope this helps.