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Living with Wife's Past Relationship & Facing Mother's Terminal Illness: Seeking Advice

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 26, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 19, 2024Hindi
Relationship

Hi there, i am going through a difficult phase in my life, i dont know where to start but here my story goes. i work in UAE and i had a balanced and peaceful life until last November where i got married (arranged). we first met last year in march through marriage broker and everything matched, family also liked and we got married in November 2023. Before marriage we used to speak for 10-15 mins almost everyday (all casual talks and i thought everything was ok and she was the perfect match for me and my family). so after marriage i travelled back to uae and was supposed to bring her to UAE in Jan 2024. I had one past relationship for 2 years and we had broken up last year February as she was a from north of india and i was from south India and our families were against it and she wanted to go against family and get married but i was not ready as for me family became priority and we broke up. And after this relationship ended then only this match happened and after one month of my marriage my ex reached out to my wife and shared our relationship details and my wife got very upset and went back to her home. I travelled back to india to console her and tell her that it was my past and i am no longer in relation with my ex and our family involved and sorted this issue. My wife came back to us and everything was normal after that. My wife came to UAE in January 2024 and we started our married life here. All seemed good until i noticed a pattern of her taking to a person on phone everyday when i am out for office and also being very cautious with her phone. On confronting this she told its is her friend and i told her what is the point in talking to him daily for which she cried and told that i am controlling and she dont have freedom to talk to her friends. I left it as she was at home alone and bored and she was also looking for job here and may be with time she will change but still the talking continued until one day in May i was uploading her resume for her job and had access to her google photos and was shocked to see her photos with the guy whom she calls friend. There were photos of her with him after our marriage and also photos with him the day before she came to UAE. I confronted this with her and she cried and told that previously she had relation with him and parents did not agree and later she married me and had forgotten him but since she came to know about my past relationship she continued to stay in contact with him. She is not telling the complete story as i saw their photos before our marriage and even before our match happened and I have also seen her google location timelines as well. I told her to stop this if we want to continue our marriage she told ok but she still talks & chats to him through watsapp & botim because she is very secretive of her phone. She takes good care of me and tells she loves me but I am not sure she really loves me or just faking it. Now she is 3 months pregnant. I am thinking she will leave me for her ex giving me the baby after the baby is born as she mentioned this during one of our arguments. This is one side of my story and between all this my mom fell sick and upon consulting, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer stage 3A and I tried to get her the best treatment (chemo) but the cancer has spread widely and because of her age also she cannot take the treatment. Tried ayurvedic and herbal medicines but nothing can be done and doctors have told max she will live is 6 months. She is bedridden now and in pain everyday. I have a decent job in Dubai with decent salary where I have built my own house in my native and managing my home (parents in india & wife is UAE) but currently my finances is also effected very badly as I spent lot of money for our marriage and for my mothers treatment and I have loans and multiple credit cards as well. I am very stressed and all these things are eating me up daily and i don't know what to do and what went wrong and where? Even i cannot focus on my job as well. Please advise how can i go about these situation. i cannot share these to anyone also, Please advise.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It is always better that your spouse hears about your past from you and no one else.
Obviously your ex decided to have the best revenge by reaching out to your wife and it has made its mark as it has messed with your wife's head and seeped within your marriage making it difficult for the two of you to have a relationship. And now, a baby as well when your relationship is still messed up?
Sort this out before the baby arrives. No point wondering is she is going to leave you etc. Why could your wife not trust you even when you ex came back with stories, I wonder!
Do you both realize the lack of communication has resulted in a breakdown of trust? Can you reconnect at least now and at least for the sake of the child?
Come together as a couple and learn to love, support and trust and the only way to do that is by keeping the last away...
Is it possible? YES! Only if you choose it...
So, make that choice of working on the marriage, keep the past out and think of how to move ahead...Easier said and also done...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 07, 2022

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Relationship
Dear LG, Please don't disclose my name. I don't want to share my personal problems with others. I am 45 years old, married 13 years ago; my wife's age is now 38 years. I got two kids. My wife is pretty (she takes lot of care for her beauty) and I want to live simple. I kept faith on my wife so I didn't interfere in her life. From last four years, I am staying away from family (because of work I have shifted to other city, monthly once I go back , purchase everything, give money for expense and return to job). She keeps her mobile with security. Once, by mistake, I read her WhatsApp message. One of her office client was praising her pics and she was responding to him. So I told her, be official, don't entertain, if they fall behind you and we may face problem. She agreed but is doing the same thing and deleting his messages. Then I wanted to see what all things she does in WhatsApp. So her link I shared in my mobile and started reading her messages. She use to chat with one married person from last three years, she changed his name in her mobile and kept his wife's name. Three years back he proposed her with love song. My wife used to support him, sometimes she used to delete the messages. He knows all my family history. Whenever they get time, they used to talk each other in phone. Some messages I read, they were planning to meet also. She always come home very late, I didn't question her because I kept faith, but as I told you I have two kids in home. If she comes late, they are facing a problem (they stay alone until she comes back). Simultaneously she is chatting with another married friend. She says he is like a brother in front of me, but that person says baby, darling, dear, love, etc, in his conversation and forwarded some love songs and calling her for long drive. My wife replied some other day we will go. He replies, You always says same thing. I will become old one day. Then I was surprised and guided my wife indirectly. I told, don't entertain any person they may start to trouble you or if anybody troubling you please tell I will help you. We got two kids so we got lot of responsibility. She got a clue that I am reading her messages, so immediately she deleted all messages and after some days she deleted their numbers, along with that she deleted some other numbers also!  Why, I don't know. Once I told my son, beware, I can track you and tell where are you going and what are you doing. But from that day onwards, my wife is blocking her internet at 6 pm (when her office closes) and unblocking when she returns home. I am worried regarding this behaviour. I have stopped reading her messages now. But now I am feeling very uncomfortable because her behaviour is very soft with me, (previously she was very aggressive, she used to fight with me unnecessarily.) Please guide me how to handle the situation. What can I do now? Sometimes I feel I should leave everything go somewhere or is it a punishment for marrying a pretty girl? What to do? Please guide how handle the situation. Regards.
Ans:

So, in a nutshell, you think your wife was flirting behind your back, you dropped some hints and then she has either stopped, or then stopped you from spying on her phone.

First of all, why are you dropping hints to her instead of talking straight? Which husband is going to appreciate his wife being wooed by other men with all this darling-baby love talk?

Even if she’s not having an affair, the flirty behaviour is bound to make you uncomfortable. Don’t you think you should call her out on it instead of pretending like some other man is making her uncomfortable?

Clearly, she’s enjoying the attention!

You seem very timid and intimidated by your wife. And if her behaviour has changed toward you for the better because you suspect she is guilty of something, all the more reason to get to the bottom of it!

Stop playing games and pussyfooting around her. Do some straight-talking for a change instead of going behind her back and reading messages!

And FYI, being good-looking doesn’t give any spouse licence to make their partner insecure!

 

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |295 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 07, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
I am 40 year old and married for 14 years but what happened in 2011 was me n my wife was working in a same company and my wife became close to a colleague on the same floor we work. She was very friendly n one day her colleague proposed her via her friend my wife didn't tell me n she felt very excited about it and after she became very friendly with him after few days she was ignoring me and she expressed her feelings too.but soon she realised she is going wrong and i noticed her changed behaviour and soon she started ignoring tht guy but he came n offered her chocolate and my wife informed me saying this guy's intentions I ask her to tie raakhi she tried but he was running away later we logged out she asked me to stop him and I forced him to him to tie raakhi and my wife was tying and he said I love u. I gve a tight slap to tht guy. Soon after he left the job. We were still working and left the office n joined different companies.after 6 months she went to same office for 2 months. And suddenly she left the job.Now after 12 years her TL met with my ex colleague and shared he working in tht office my colleague asked hey in tht same office my friend was working with his wife and her TL said ohh yeah his wife had n affair with other guy and he asked his wife to raakhi. And my ex colleague called me n said the same to me and since then I have so many doubts on my wife and after few days she confessed she had feelings for him and she already knew he likes her and she said it was just a feeling. Now we are having difference between us. Please help what can be done now I'm getting disturbed alot. 12 years this was secret.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear that you are facing such issues. Doubt is very destructive in a relationship. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner regarding what happened in the past. Don't push her to give you all the details; it will not contribute positively to your well-being. Aim for a more balanced and productive discussion.

You have to recognize that all these happened many years back. It's in the past. And you cannot change it. While it's essential to acknowledge and understand them, dwelling on them may impact your peace of mind. Focus on the present and try to build a more transparent and communicative relationship in the present. Take this opportunity to work together and strengthen your marriage.

Best Wishes!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Madam me and my wife were married for 13 Odd Yrs and have been blessed with 2 kids aged about 12 and 8 respectively, while things were quite good but my wife addiction to social media ( FB / Insta ) spoilt entire relationship and she making up friends who are totally unknown spoilt her and also found out in the long run she was involved with other men, eventually we got divorced and kids custody was given to me but after about 2 Yrs i realised my kids needs support of an mother at home as it was making things difficult for me as a single parent to manage, thereby i happend to meet a person who had advertised thru marriage portal, though she was a widow with 2 kids, felt she cd be able to handle it better as her kids have lost their father, felt this would work, first few months she was quite okay later on she starting unnecessarily issues and made sure my kids return back to their biological mother as they felt things were more comfortable over there, and this partner of mine expects me to show love attention only to her and her biological kids, though she doesnt say it straight, her reactions and unnecessary disputes and fights after me visiting my kids or meeting them or even if i have gone to visit my mother or had lunch or dinner with her, make her feel very restlesness, i have always told and advised her to maintain good relationship with my family, but due to her arrogance and ignorance my own family members have distanced her and continue to talk to me or meet me outside, she has gone to the extent saying she wants to get out of the relationship and i had borrowed money due to my hardtimes and she keeps saying she wants money to be returned so that she steps out and want to stay independently with her kids, I am also fed up and completely lost being away from my kids and my mother Is it advisable to go for divorce or just seperation will do, or can a bond paper specifiying that i have returned her money and have ended this relationship and no claims further will be entertained, can i have this - Pls guide, its better to stay single and take care of my own kids and mother than being away from them and taking care of other kids as own...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's a lot of mess...where and how things went downhill is something that you surely know. Take care of the children first. The kid are caught in the middle of all of this.
Yours and hers as well...
Sadly, she hasn't matured to understand the concept of embracing your children as her own but wants to cling on to you and literally draw a wedge between you and your family.
RED FLAG, right there...

Now, you need to think about how all this is affecting the children and the impact it is having in your daily life. Is there a way by which this lady will be able to understand that you all will be one big unit; children, the two of you and your family and hers as well...If she is prepared for this, then it gets easy on everyone but if her insecurities are going to get the better of her, this is a bigger mess that you could have ever imagined.
Have a frank talk and clearly state the people who are important to you and that you wish to be connected to them just as she wants her children to be a part of her life.
Hear what she has to say and then I guess, you will know what to do as your ask and want is clear in your mind. The best relationships are the ones that bring people together and nourishes them.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 19, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi.. good evening.. i want your advise.. we are married for 6 months now and we had a arranged marriage. My mistake was not informing my wife about my past relationship which we had broken up badly and immediately after my marriage my ex girlfriend shared our pictures with my wife purposefully and she got upset with that and me and my family convinced my wife that i have broken up with her and i dont have any contact with her and it is true and i am loyal to my wife. Everthing was normal after that and 2 months passed and i observed that my wife is in regular contact with a guy on phone whom she calls friend and talks to him daily. I confronted this to her and she told that he is just her freind and he had helped her before during her difficult times. Again this continued and i asked her to stop contacting him daily and even though he is a friend what is the point in talking to him daily and she just cried telling that i am controlling her and she feels like she has no freedom and is in jail and i am not allowing her to talk to her friends. After this she limited her talks with him and seemed fine by me as it is just a friendly casual talks 2 to 3 times a week. One day she asked me reply to one of her emails and wanted to upload some file. While i went to upload i had access to her google photos and i was shell shocked to see lots of photos of her with this guy whom she calls friend and in close proximity. Also there are pictures of them dated 3 to 4 years back and also the most hurting part is the pictures of her with him after our marriage as well. She had told me that they have a college get together and reunion and she had went with him on that day and stayed overnight as well. I was literally shocked by this and confronted her immediately and then she told me that she was in relationship with him and her parents did not agree so couldnt marry him and even he also cancelled many marriage proposals because of her and she betrayed him and happily married now with me while he is still not married and she feels guilty as all this happened to him because of her and so she talks to him daily and she can only feel ok once he is married. I told her she has to stop talking to him if we want to keep this marriage.. she tells me if i leave her she is dead as even her parents wont accpet her and also he (her ex boyfriend) will not accept her and she says she has nowhere else to go.. she still cares for me though but i dont know what else to do.. she still talks to him 2 to 3 times a week... please advise how to go about this
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your wife was never into this marriage and it became convenient for her to pursue a link with her ex-boyfriend once she found out about your past.
Everything that she does now being justified. You are right in putting your foot down, but have you seen a favorite toy being snatched away from a child? The need for that toy only gets stronger.
The way that you can counter this is by showering her with a lot of care and attention as I do gather that the two of you want this marriage. You want it as you are in love with your wife, she wants it as she has nowhere to go. Fair enough! The reasons right now might not be the same BUT someday with much love going into the relationship, the two of you can be on the same path.

Now, the question is: Are you willing to wait and pour more into the relationship? She will waver for a while going back and forth between you and that guy; it will hurt you...There will be a lot of anger and perhaps feelings of inadequacy in you, BUT you know that it's not the case. Can you persist on this journey? I sincerely believe that somewhere along the way, she is bound to stick by you when she realizes the stability that you can offer and that the sheen out there will wear out. Possible? Are you willing? If you are, go for it...Love, care, stability, security is something that is core in any marriage...be a part of it!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 08, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi.. I am 49 yrs Male & married for 22 yrs with teenage kids.. I live abroad since 16 yrs.. Me & wife had arranged marriage in the same caste when we were in India.. After few months of marriage, my wife told me about her past relationship during collage and only reason she could not continue because of his father resistance( diff caste).. I belong to very middle class with no such precedence like this and felt bad . Later, I continued with her but always had feeling that she would compare the love & affection she got from him, with me.. I am not very romantic or expressive and like to live normal life..! We have little diff of opinion since beginning and will have fight almost every week.. Fast forward when all was going ok with 2 kids, busy work in abroad, I caught her cheating with the same person ( almost 17 yrs after they separated).. They found each other on social media and started talking. .. She being abroad & him in India, will call him daily in my absence for hours and they exchange explicit messages day in and out..! Once caught initially she regretted ( that too only after i got really mad & threaten to tell everyone) and it took us 2-3 yrs to comeback to terms mostly due to younger kids..!! Now 10 yrs later, i found her calling ( although he did not pickup) and now she is telling that she has emotional connection with him from the past while I could not build that connection with her.. She is not committing that this will not happen in future & requesting me to continue as friend, so we can get our younger one to collage and then see if it is worth or separate out. She is even ready to find me someone that fits my choice. I am in dilemma on what to do as i am not ready to forgive her but worried about kids future..! Even though we stay aboard, we have very close network of friends & family which we cant ignore..! I somehow feel to let it go but i get irritated that this is not the life i would like to live now & future. Can you pls advise some tips to move forward
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
At times, relationships run dry and reach a breaking point...you will know if yours, is at that point because if it is and your wife is more interested in finding someone for you rather than addressing the turmoil in your marriage, isn't it evidence enough for you?

Have a clear chat/conversation and find out if she still feels anything for you or whether all love is lost...If she is still interested in pursuing the other person without as much as thinking of how this is going to impact the marriage and family, I guess there is little that you can do. Then you may have to wait as suggested by her till your younger one goes to college. As for friends and family, they will initially talk and blame you or her; slowly that will stop. Your Life, Your Choice...You know what's best...
So, appeal to her and if that is not what she wants, respect her decision. It's difficult BUT imagine living under the same roof and finding your wife emotionally connecting with someone else...Preserve your sane mind...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6285 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Sep 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 13, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi sir, I am 34 years old, with 95k salary. Planning to retire by 55 age, and have 2 year old son. Monthly expenses are around 35k. Currently have no loans or EMI. Investing on PF for 7k monthly for next 12 years, Have term insurance for 1.50cr and family health insurance from office for 8lacs. Have emergency funds for 5 lacs. Need guidance for retirement planning and son higher education planning by his 21 years of age.
Ans: You have two major financial goals:

Retirement by the age of 55
Higher education for your son when he turns 21
These goals are long-term, and the earlier you plan, the more you will benefit from compounding. Your current situation looks promising. You have no loans, you’re already investing in Provident Fund (PF), and you have a solid emergency fund of Rs 5 lakhs. Let’s break down how you can achieve both your retirement and your son’s education goals.

Retirement Planning
Planning for retirement is crucial because you aim to retire at 55, which gives you about 21 years to accumulate a comfortable retirement corpus.

Current Retirement Strategy

You already contribute Rs 7,000 monthly to PF. This is good but may not be enough to meet your long-term retirement goal. The PF primarily offers a fixed return, and over time, inflation might erode its value.

Diversifying Your Retirement Investments

To build a solid retirement corpus, you need to diversify your investments. While PF is a stable option, you should add equity mutual funds to your portfolio for higher growth. Equity mutual funds have historically provided better returns than traditional options like PF.

You could consider investing a portion of your salary in actively managed equity mutual funds. These funds are managed by experienced fund managers who adjust the portfolio according to market conditions, ensuring better returns.

Keep in mind, actively managed funds generally outperform index funds because fund managers actively pick stocks, unlike index funds, which merely mirror the market.

How Much Should You Invest?

A rough guideline for retirement savings is to save at least 15-20% of your monthly income for retirement. Since you already save Rs 7,000 in PF, you can consider investing an additional amount in equity mutual funds.

Aim to increase this amount as your salary increases over time. By starting now, you give your investments more time to grow through the power of compounding.

Review Your Retirement Plan Regularly

Your financial situation will evolve, and so should your investment strategy. Review your retirement plan every 3-5 years. Adjust it based on changes in your income, expenses, or market conditions.

Son's Higher Education Planning
You mentioned that your son is 2 years old, and you want to plan for his education expenses when he turns 21. This gives you a time horizon of 19 years, which is perfect for equity-based investments.

Estimating the Cost of Education

Higher education costs are rising faster than inflation. It’s safe to assume an increase of 8-10% in education costs each year. To ensure that you’re prepared, plan to save a significant corpus for his education by the time he turns 21.

Investment Strategy for Education

For a goal like higher education, you should focus on long-term investments. Equity mutual funds can play a significant role here because of the long time horizon, which allows for market volatility to smooth out.

Since this is a specific goal with a definite timeline, consider investing through SIPs (Systematic Investment Plans). SIPs allow you to invest a fixed amount regularly and help average out market highs and lows over time.

You might also consider allocating some amount in hybrid mutual funds. These funds invest in both equity and debt, providing a balance of risk and returns. They are less volatile than pure equity funds but still offer growth potential.

How Much Should You Invest?

You’ll need to calculate how much to invest each month to meet your target. If you start investing early, you won’t need to invest a huge amount. The longer the investment period, the more compounding will work in your favour.

For instance, if you need Rs X amount for his education in 19 years, you can calculate backward how much you should invest monthly, considering a conservative return rate of 10-12% from equity mutual funds.

Review and Adjust Over Time

Keep reviewing your investment strategy for your son’s education every 3-5 years. You may need to adjust the investment based on your financial condition or changes in the education system.

As you approach his 21st birthday, shift a portion of the investments from equity to safer options like debt funds to preserve the corpus.

Emergency Fund
Your existing emergency fund of Rs 5 lakhs is a good start. Ideally, an emergency fund should cover 6-12 months of your monthly expenses. Since your monthly expenses are Rs 35,000, Rs 5 lakhs comfortably covers more than a year’s worth of expenses. This provides peace of mind in case of unexpected events.

However, ensure that this fund is kept liquid and easily accessible. Consider parking your emergency fund in liquid mutual funds. These funds are low-risk and provide better returns than a savings account while still being easily accessible.

Insurance Coverage
You already have a term insurance policy worth Rs 1.5 crore, which is a great decision. Term insurance ensures that your family is financially secure in case of any unfortunate event. The cover seems adequate given your current salary and family size.

You also have a family health insurance plan from your office worth Rs 8 lakhs. However, it’s always better to have an individual health insurance policy as well. Employer-provided health insurance may not be enough, especially as your family grows or if you switch jobs.

Consider purchasing a top-up health insurance plan or an additional policy that provides cover for critical illnesses or emergencies. A cover of around Rs 15-20 lakhs is usually recommended for a family of three, considering rising healthcare costs.

SIP vs. Lump Sum Investments
Given your consistent salary of Rs 95,000, you have the flexibility to choose between SIPs or lump sum investments.

SIPs are a better option for those who want to invest regularly and benefit from market averaging. You can start SIPs in equity mutual funds for both retirement and your son’s education.

If you have a bonus or windfall income, you can invest a lump sum in debt or hybrid mutual funds to balance your portfolio.

Avoid Lump Sum in Equity

Given the volatility of the equity market, it is always advisable to avoid lump sum investments in equity funds. Market conditions fluctuate, and it is better to spread out your investments over time.

Avoid Direct Mutual Funds
You may have heard about direct mutual funds offering lower expense ratios. While this is true, direct funds require active management by the investor. If you are not well-versed in market conditions, choosing direct funds can be risky.

It’s better to invest in regular funds through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD). When you invest through an MFD, they offer expert guidance on fund selection, portfolio balancing, and review. Certified Financial Planners (CFP) can also help align your investments with your financial goals.

Tax-efficient Investments
You should also consider the tax efficiency of your investments. Investments in Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS) offer both tax savings under Section 80C and the potential for higher returns, making them ideal for long-term goals like retirement or your son’s education.

While ELSS has a lock-in period of 3 years, it allows for equity exposure and helps you save tax while planning for long-term growth.

Key Action Points
Retirement: Continue investing in PF, but also allocate funds to equity mutual funds for higher returns. Aim to save 15-20% of your salary for retirement. Review your portfolio every 3-5 years.

Son’s Education: Start SIPs in equity mutual funds or hybrid funds. Invest a fixed monthly amount based on the projected cost of education. Shift to safer investments closer to the goal.

Emergency Fund: Keep Rs 5 lakh in liquid funds for easy access and better returns than a savings account.

Health Insurance: Consider adding a top-up health insurance policy or an additional plan to cover rising healthcare costs.

Insurance: Ensure your term insurance coverage remains adequate as your financial situation changes. Review your cover regularly.

Tax Efficiency: Consider investing in ELSS funds for tax savings and growth.

Avoid Direct Funds: Stick with regular funds, guided by an MFD or CFP, for better management and portfolio alignment.

Final Insights
You have already laid a strong foundation for financial planning. With a clear strategy in place, you can confidently build on this foundation to secure both your retirement and your son’s education.

Consistency is key in long-term investments. Start small, increase contributions as your salary grows, and review your financial plan periodically to ensure you stay on track. By diversifying your investments across equity, debt, and tax-efficient instruments, you can achieve both your goals comfortably.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP
Chief Financial Planner
www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6285 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Sep 13, 2024

Money
Hi, I would like to start my investment journey more effectively but I don't have idea about mutual funds, stock market, compounding etc. Is that safe to get services of any investment firm who can advise me about where to invest. I am thinking about firms like Nuvama Wealth. Could you please advice about authenticity of investment firms. Thanks...
Ans: Starting your investment journey can be an exciting and rewarding decision, but it’s understandable to feel uncertain if you’re not familiar with mutual funds, the stock market, or the concept of compounding. It’s natural to seek the advice of professionals to guide you through these unfamiliar territories. Investment firms and certified financial planners (CFPs) can provide that guidance and help you invest wisely.

However, before you proceed, it's essential to ensure the investment firm you choose is authentic, trustworthy, and well-aligned with your financial goals. Let’s discuss how you can evaluate the authenticity of investment firms and decide if their services are the right choice for you.

Is It Safe to Use an Investment Firm's Services?
Yes, it’s generally safe to use an investment firm’s services, provided you choose a reputable one. An investment firm or certified financial planner can help you:

Understand key concepts like mutual funds, stocks, and compounding.

Build a tailored portfolio based on your risk appetite, time horizon, and financial goals.

Diversify your investments to minimize risks while maximizing returns.

However, not all firms are equal. You need to verify their authenticity, professionalism, and alignment with your financial objectives. Here are some steps to ensure you select the right investment firm:

1. Check for SEBI Registration or AMFI certification
The Securities and Exchange Board of India (SEBI) is the regulatory body responsible for overseeing the financial markets and ensuring that investment firms adhere to strict ethical and operational standards. Every legitimate investment firm or certified financial planner in India must be registered with SEBI.

Why this matters: Registered firms are held accountable by SEBI. They must follow legal guidelines and are regularly audited, reducing the risk of fraud or unethical behavior.

How to check: Visit SEBI’s official website and search for the firm or individual under the "Registered Intermediaries" section. If the firm or advisor isn’t listed, it’s a red flag.

AMFI runs the AMFI Registered Mutual Fund Distributor (ARMFD) certification, which is mandatory for anyone looking to become a distributor or advisor for mutual funds. This certification ensures that professionals possess the required knowledge and skills to offer sound advice to investors.

2. Look for Professional Certifications
When considering any investment firm or advisor, it’s crucial to check whether they hold reputable certifications, like:

Certified Financial Planner (CFP): This certification is internationally recognized and indicates that the advisor has undergone extensive training in financial planning and ethical practices.

Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA): CFAs are experts in investment analysis and portfolio management. This is a highly respected qualification in the financial world.

Why this matters: Professionals with these certifications are trained to provide sound advice and adhere to ethical standards. This ensures they act in your best interest.

3. Research Their Track Record and Reviews
Before selecting an investment firm, do some research on their background, success stories, and client feedback. Thanks to digital platforms, you can easily find reviews of most investment firms and advisors online. Platforms like Google Reviews provide honest, unfiltered feedback from actual clients.

Google Reviews: Always check Google Reviews to see what past and current clients have to say about the firm's services. A consistent pattern of positive feedback is a good indicator of trustworthiness. Negative reviews can reveal issues such as poor customer service or unmet expectations.

Track record: How long has the firm been in business? What kind of returns have they generated for their clients in the past? These factors matter when assessing reliability. Keep in mind that past performance is not a guarantee of future results, but it can still provide valuable insights into their approach.

Why this matters: A strong track record and positive reviews give you confidence that the firm has the experience and capability to manage your investments effectively.

4. Evaluate Their Investment Philosophy
Different firms follow different investment philosophies. Some firms might take a conservative, low-risk approach, while others might focus on aggressive growth strategies. You need to ensure that the firm’s investment philosophy aligns with your goals, risk tolerance, and time horizon.

Ask questions: What is the firm’s approach to managing risk? How do they plan to grow your portfolio? Do they consider market trends, or do they stick to a particular set of principles regardless of market conditions?

Why this matters: An investment firm should not have a one-size-fits-all approach. Their philosophy should be customized to your needs, considering factors like your investment goals (retirement, child’s education, etc.) and risk tolerance.

5. Avoid Firms with High Fees or Hidden Charges
Investment firms may charge fees for their services, typically as a percentage of the assets they manage for you or as a fixed advisory fee. While fees are normal, you should avoid firms with exorbitant fees or hidden charges that could erode your returns over time.

What to look for: Ensure that the firm provides a clear fee structure upfront. Ask about any additional charges like transaction fees, fund management fees, or performance-based fees.

Why this matters: High fees can drastically reduce your overall returns. For example, if you’re paying 2% annually in management fees, this could significantly impact your returns over a long period.

6. Verify Transparency and Communication
Transparency is key when choosing an investment firm. A good firm will maintain open communication with you, providing regular updates on your portfolio’s performance and any changes in the market that may affect your investments.

What to look for: Make sure the firm offers regular reports on the performance of your investments. They should also explain why they are making certain investment decisions and how those decisions align with your goals.

Why this matters: Without transparency, you’re left in the dark about the state of your finances. Regular updates help you stay informed and adjust your financial strategy if necessary.

7. Get Personalized Advice, Not Generic Solutions
A good investment firm will take the time to understand your personal financial situation, goals, and preferences. Avoid firms that offer generic solutions without understanding your unique circumstances. Personalized advice is critical to building a successful long-term investment portfolio.

What to ask: Do they ask about your specific financial goals, such as retirement, buying a home, or funding your child’s education? Are they taking into account your current income, expenses, liabilities, and future financial needs?

Why this matters: Generic advice might not suit your unique needs. For example, a strategy for a 25-year-old with no dependents is very different from a 45-year-old with two children planning for college fees and retirement.

8. Disadvantages of Relying on Direct Funds
While direct mutual funds seem attractive because they come without distributor commissions, they aren’t always the best option if you are new to investing. Many new investors can feel overwhelmed when managing their portfolios without guidance. Certified Financial Planners can help you navigate complex decisions and maximize returns.

Direct funds: Managing your investments directly can be risky if you don’t have sufficient knowledge. Regular plans, through a certified planner, can help you stay on track, especially during market volatility.

Why this matters: A certified financial planner can guide you through market cycles and keep your financial goals in focus, ensuring a more disciplined approach.

9. Look for Long-Term Relationships
A good investment firm will focus on building a long-term relationship with you rather than just making quick commissions. Look for a firm that offers consistent support and guidance over the years as your financial needs evolve.

Why this matters: Your financial situation will change as you age, have children, or approach retirement. A long-term partnership with a good firm ensures they understand your evolving goals and can adjust your strategy accordingly.
10. Always Ask for References
Don’t hesitate to ask the firm or advisor for client references. Speaking to someone who has worked with the firm can provide valuable insights into their services, professionalism, and whether they are the right fit for you.

Why this matters: Hearing directly from someone with experience with the firm gives you a clear idea of what to expect. It also helps you feel more confident in your decision.
Finally: Take Your Time and Do Thorough Research
Entering the world of investing is an important step, and it’s great that you are considering professional help. Just remember, it’s essential to do thorough research before deciding on an investment firm. The firm you choose should align with your goals, offer transparent communication, and provide sound advice based on experience and qualifications.

Taking the time now to ensure you’re working with the right professionals can set you up for long-term financial success.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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