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Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 06, 2021

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
T Question by T on Sep 06, 2021Hindi
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Relationship

First of all I would like to remain anonymous. As the world is happy with work from home I am not.

It's been a year since my marriage but each day I desperately wait for offices to open so I can shift with my husband to another place and live independently.

It's not like in laws trouble me or something; on the contrary they are good. But I feel suffocated.

I am supposed to look after my sister in law's son which is the main reason for my depression.

I've been through legitimate depression so I know when I am going through it. Now sister in law is moving abroad leaving her son to permanently live with us!

I can't Anu I just can't. I am postponing having my own kid because I want to live an independent happy life at least for few years with my husband without the responsibility of a child. But I don't remember a single day after my marriage without a child in between.

It's not like I don't love that child; I do. I just don't want to take responsibility of him and it's not even fair to ask of me that right.

I am not happy. I really want to be. Please help me please.

Ans: Dear T, Simply be assertive and put your foot down.

Sometimes people do not respect boundaries till they are made aware that there are boundaries.

Supporting your sister-in-law to care for her son on a few occasions as the boy’s aunt is a great thing but playing the boy’s mom is not what you need to sign up for! And what you haven’t signed up for, isn’t something that you need to follow through.

Take charge, if you don’t someone else will as they already have; almost assuming that anything is fine with you.

The boy isn’t your responsibility and for anyone to assume that is unnecessary.

This has gone on because you have allowed it and if you want it to stop, you simply have to say it; support or no support from anyone.

Your happiness is how you want to experience; so create that accordingly…on your terms…without being rude, but by being frank and calm.

Play this situation over and over in your mind and how you will be assertive with them.

When the mind is prepared and rehearses this repeatedly, and then when the real situation plays out, your mind is already ready to support you.

Even if you have felt hesitant up until now, this mind training should hold you in good stead.

Take charge NOW! Best wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 01, 2021

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Relationship
I'm married and mother to a 5 months old beautiful daughter. Before and after marriage I was working in a company as HR executive. I loved my job. Then I left my job because me and my husband was working in different locations. When I shifted with him, I tried a lot to get a job. But all in vain. Maybe because of this I started getting frustrated. It affected my personal life a lot. I used to blame my husband as he never ever told me to quit. But somehow...... Then we shifted to our home town because of lockdown and my husband's WFH. And my frustration level is increasing day by day. I lost everything. How to enjoy, happiness everything. I want to be happy but.... It's like I can't do anything for my daughter as well as for myself. I hate dependency and I am totally dependent on my husband even for a single penny. I tried to commit suicide many times. Then I thought I should talk to my mother. I did. But nothing helped. She used to tell me always that I have to live for the child now. Then I thought what I could do for her. Because if I m alone, sad, depressed from inside how can I be happy outside? I used to motivate people and right now I want to end up my life. Can you help please?
Ans: Dear TS, What do you want for yourself? What do you want to make out of life?

You can choose to be sad and depressed and keep thinking of what hasn’t happened. Always do things that set you free, always think of things that set you free.

The more you choose to focus on what could have happened and what should happen, it leads you to a dark place.

Why think that you are dependent? Marriage is a space where both partners must have the comfort of growing together.

Let’s say someday if you have to step up and work instead of your husband, will you call your husband a dependent person then?

We all go through phases in life that challenge our mind and mental state. The sooner you accept this, the better you will sail through this.

After all, nothing is permanent. Instead of brooding over, if you gave yourself a fresh start and looked at opportunities in a different way, you may find something that is better than what you had initially been searching for.

And if ending your life, you think makes it easier, remember, it never has and it never will and DO think of your daughter who is solely dependent on you.

Please work with a Mental Health expert who will help put your priorities together and a good action plan as well to achieve simple goals in life.

Start first by being outdoors in Nature and please be in GRATITUDE for what you have in life. That will make you trust that LIFE IS GOOD! Surround yourself with people that nourish you.

Be in the best mind space. Best wishes.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2022

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I have been married for a little more than five years and I am living under tremendous stress and depression. We live in a joint family with my parents and an unmarried brother. I had told her all this before marriage. She loves me very much but her attitude towards my relatives has been a matter of concern right from the start. She does not want to keep a relationship with anybody apart from my immediate family. Slowly, she started having problems with my mother also; both have started having minor clashes at home. Many times, it is my mother’s mistake. The main problem is that she is very nagging and complains and gets irritated very frequently at the smallest instance. Frustrated, I planned on separating with her but the news came of her pregnancy and we were blessed with a baby girl. After the baby was born, my wife’s frustration and irritation has increased manifold because of her fear that my mother will give much more love to the baby then she can. So their clashes have increased. Now my wife has been putting a lot of pressure on me to look for a new house away from my parents, since she wants her own space. I already have a home loan on the existing home and a car loan. There is very less scope for me to purchase a new home and I don't want to leave my parents. She just doesn't understand my position and clashes happen between us. Looking at all this, I desperately want to separate from her but can't do so because of our daughter. I love her the most and can't live without her. So I just endure what is happening every day. This has resulted in me slipping into depression. It has affected my work in office as well. I am not performing well, I don't like to speak with any of my friends or relatives, I don't feel like doing anything. I’m living for the sake of my daughter, that's it. Even my parents are not in a position to understand me and my situation so I can't talk to them either. Can you help? Just don’t publish my name.
Ans:

Hi

It is unfortunate that you are in this situation.

Your wife is possibly not very inclined to be in a joint family set-up; the reasons maybe many. But isn’t it necessary for you as a husband and a father to look out for your family?

The misunderstandings caused between the two of you over the years because of being in a joint family set-up have never been addressed and much water has flowed under the bridge.

There is a slim chance that matters might get resolved if you get your mother and wife in the same room and iron it out, with you being a neutral person who does not take sides; this is the best option.

If this isn’t possible, kindly visit a family counsellor who can step in and show your family a way to live amicably or give you a perspective on how healthy it might be to live separately.

At the end of the day, you have responsibilities towards your wife and child too!

All the best and a Happy 2022.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 14, 2021

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Dear Anu Mam, I may sound very silly but I have a very small issue which is bothering me a lot. This is my second marriage. My ex husband who is now no more used to physically abuse me so I had to separate from him, a few years later, he passed away. I remarried after 4 years and now have a 2 yr old daughter. I stay with my in laws. I am working and also manage the house. My husband doesn’t feel responsible towards the daughter in any way. He is always finding excuses to let her spend time with me. Ditto with my in laws who are also very old and cannot take care of a toddler. Since I am also working and managing the house, there are days I feel extremely tired and helpless. But none of them seem to notice that. We have a maid who helps around the house. I feel very lonely and guilty sometimes. If the lockdown is lifted, I don’t know how I will manage everything. I can’t afford to quit my job and be a full time homemaker. My in laws don’t want me to put the baby in daycare. They are indirectly suggesting that I quit the job or look for some profile where I can work out of home. I don’t want to bother my parents. But I feel very helpless and there is no one to give me an honest solution.
Ans: Dear VN, This is possibly the story of many women in India who live in a joint family system and are having to adhere to the family systems of that house.

Other than caging the women, it doesn’t do much…It’s like a forced choice, wherein she needs to give up the career, look after the home and the child and the baby.

Of course, your in-laws are simply being a product of the belief systems of their generation that obviously honed the skills of a woman as a homemaker.

Breaking that in their minds is definitely going to be a task, but not impossible.

Obviously your husband is falling into the same system and unwilling to support you in the manner that you want.

It is imperative that you broach this topic with your husband and request him to bridge the gap between you and your in-laws.

He also needs to be made aware that spending time with his daughter is not out of duty but is needed for a stable emotional growth.

Every home comes with its own set of rules and rituals that are governed by age-old belief systems. And a joint family system requires every member to contribute to the growth of the other; sadly at times, they work at cross-purposes to satisfy their ego and stress their authority.

Bring in a neutral person/relative from the outside to subtly show them that times are changing and so can they.

On your part, do not go on an emotional tirade and meld into the system as it’s your default home system and you must respect it for what it gives you; security and the company of many family members.

Work your way through it with love and understanding that everyone is different and to integrate these differences into your life may help you grow as well.

Subtle and beautiful balance as you satisfy your needs as well as theirs.

Best wishes to you!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 18, 2021

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I lost my father when I was 17 and was raised by my mother all these years. Last year, I lost my mother to COVID. I am the only child and don't have any siblings. I am 36 and not married. I don't have a boyfriend, neither am I in a serious relationship. After my parents' death, am being pressured into marriage by my relatives but I am not ready. I am in touch with a few cousins and friends but I don't feel any better talking to them. I may be wrong but I feel that they're either too sympathetic or trying too hard to be positive and cheerful. It's hard to explain to anyone how I am feeling right now. There are days when I feel completely alone, lonely and wish I had a sibling or someone who would understand me without having to explain anything. My colleagues are supportive but I am not able to focus at work either. I tried taking a few days off but there is a void and sense of loneliness that I am unable to overcome. I don't know how to make sense of this situation. Can you help?
Ans: Dear P, how exactly do you want to feel? What exactly do you want currently? It is imperative for you to know that we all go through phases in life; some are happy ones and some are not-so-happy ones.

But do know that, these phases are not permanent and that they do have an expiry date on them.

The key to this is with you. How long do you want to lock in that feeling of loneliness or helplessness?

Does it help you to think whether your relatives are sympathising with you? What if they really are caring for you?

Sibling or no sibling, our life is ours and a journey that we must take. And marriage is a decision that is yours to make; you don’t need to yield into any pressure or get yourself to believe that it will drive away your loneliness.

What did you do earlier to move away from loneliness?

How did you keep yourself occupied? Was it a new hobby or could it have been learning a new skill?

Sometimes, doing something absolutely NEW can help de-focus from what we are dealing with currently.

On a long-term thinking, do know that every phase gives rise to a new one.

Join support groups online or any valid meet up group that can bring in some fresh new perspectives.

Connect with old friends. Choose how you want to feel now and move in that direction.

Surround yourself only with happy people and happy thoughts all the time. It does help.

Office colleagues can double up as a good support group, if you are fine sharing your inner feelings with someone that you are close to.

If that isn’t an option, then old friends can do the job really well. But it is important to talk to someone and release what’s holding you back and keeping you away from what you want to feel and what you want to do. All the best.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |171 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 20, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I'm 37 and I just started to invest in MFs regularly. My investments are listed below. Except a couple of them, all of them are either 1 month to a few days old. As mentioned below, started SIP of 40000 between Motilal Oswal Nifty Midcap 150 and Nippon india small cap. I would like to invest 40000 more in SIPs making my total investment as 1CR over the next 10 years, in the hopes of creating a portfolio of 2 CR with a 12% return on year. I understand that there are 11 MFs here but appreciate your suggestions on trimming this down while meeting the above mentioned financial goal. Thanks. 1. Motilal Oswal Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Index Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value 50000: 2. Nippon India Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Index Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value: 50000: 3. Mirae Asset ELSS Tax Saver Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value:70277: 4. Mirae Asset ELSS Tax Saver Reg-G: One Time: Investment: 24998: Current Value:38598: 5. Parag Parikh Flexi Cap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value: 52727: 6. Axis ELSS Tax Saver Dir-G: One Time: Investment:30000: Current Value: 63863: 7. Nippon India Large Cap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 49999.99: Current Value: 52358: 8. Motilal Oswal Midcap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value: 54061: 9. Quant Small Cap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 100000: Current Value: 103437: 10. Motilal Oswal Nifty Midcap 150 Dir-G: SIP: Investment:19999.98 Current Value: 20319: 11. Nippon India Small Cap Dir-G: SIP: Investment: 20000: Current Value 20040:
Ans: 1. Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Index is a recently introduced index and hence also your funds based on this index. The back tested results look attractive however I recommend you to monitor them closely for 2-3 years and if you feel not sure about their progress you may exit and redeploy proceeds into PPFAS flexicap fund and Nippon large cap fund.

2. The additional 40 K sip proposed maybe split between either ELSS(for tax saving too) or PPFAS flexicap and Nippon India large cap fund.

3. You may merge your ELSS investments into one fund, my advice would be Mirae Asset ELSS.

4. This will help rationalize number of funds in your portfolio from 10(+2) to 7.

5. Discipline, focus and periodic review in MF investment are a must!

6. As you reach closer to your target transfer the gains from equity funds to liquid/debt funds to protect it from volatility.

I am quite hopeful that you may very well achieve the intended target with the right approach.

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

You may follow us on X at @mars_invest for updates.

Happy Investing!!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |314 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 07, 2024Hindi
Relationship
I met a women through a matrimonial site. I live abroad and she lives in India. I am 42 and she is 40 years old. We spoke for about 6 months. Then I came to India. Spent some time together and even met the parents. We both like each other. And have the blessings of the parents. But the problem is distance. I am very close to attaining citizenship. But still see that the process and getting an OCI could take at least 2 years. She has a good job with the central government in India. She has decent career prospects, in the country where I live. Initially, she was not interested in marrying anyone living abroad. I raised this with her when we spoke. She had come to where I live for a short diploma course, and was okay in talking with me. When I met her parents, they were also okay with her moving abroad. So far things have been good, but now we are trying to fix the dates for marriage, and trying to solve the long distance issue. I suggested that she could take a sabbatical and spend some time, or if possible pursue higher education. so she need not leave her job in India. Given her current background she also has good career prospects already. However she panics now every time I try to breach this topic. She is scared even to research n life abroad, and now she feels it is better we break up. She admits that , she is a chronic overthinker, I have been very careful in dealing with difficult topics. She has had a relatively easy life, whereas I am used to dealing with challenges personal and professional setbacks. It is really difficult to connect with someone, irrespective of age. I have worked for 18 years in India, and not keen to go through the toxic culture and harsh corporate life. She has a transferable job in India, so even in India we might struggle to be together. I am okay with retiring, from a corpoarte jb and seeking another career which would keep me financially independant and help me lead a meanigful existene. I am exploring ways, but thiis is going to take time. We both considered all the scenarios, and agreed that if she finds a good job abroad, would be relatiely the easier path. But now she is not even ready to consider this and becomes very anxious. . I feel I am more, happy healthy living abroad than in India. I was diabetic in India, and am now off medicines , after moving abroad. It has been easier for me to lead a happy and healthy life abroad, even though I live alone. I am wondering how to approach this. I do not want to hurt anyone. I can understand why she is anxious. I have told her that she does not have to leave her job, she only has to research if she has good prospects. I even offered to get her in touch with folks who have made such transition. I gave her contact details of consultants who can advic her on her career prospects. Visa etc is not an issue. Please advise if I can salvage this relationship or better to accept defeat. I really like her and do not want to hurt her.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand your concerns. It is a tough choice- both for you and her. On one hand, we can't completely deny her concerns either. She has a good job here and the fear is only fair. But, given her chronic overthinking, she must have already created a worse scenario in her head. It sounds like you both are in a difficult spot where you care for each other deeply but life-changing decisions are creating anxiety. No matter how much you tell her, it isn't going to help. She has to come to terms with it herself. but there are some things you can do to speed up the process-

Acknowledge the fear- Don't make her feel like she is wrong to think this way, or that she is merely overthinking. There is some logic to her fears. Acknowledge that. It does not mean you are encouraging them. Just let her know that any big life decisions are bound to cause some panic in a person and her feelings are completely valid.

Encourage her to take small steps- Instead of asking her to talk to people who have made the shift, try casually including stories of such people in a normal daily conversation once in a while. It would not feel like a commitment but also give her an idea.

Frame the discussion in a better way- For instance, instead of focusing on the move, discuss the life you will be building together. This will give her a scope to see what she can gain if only she can get over her fears.

Do not rush- Big life decisions can't be taken in a hurry. So, give her that space and time. In the meantime, you can continue with life as it was. Let her know that there isn't a timeframe within which she has to decide. This isn't an ultimatum. Sometimes a few kind words can make all the difference.

It's still not time to give up. Is she worth trying a little more? If yes, try. Create a space that is free of judgment where she can openly share her worries, no matter how trivial they might be. It can seem that you are putting in all the effort, but for a chronic overthinker, even considering or trying to overcome a set fear is a big task. Give her a little more time. I am sure things will work out soon.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |314 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
So, i've started talking to this girl who was a classmate during my college. We've never talked all this time... But we started talking only after 7 years... She was currently working near my home town.. and i am working in a neighbouring state. It is 3 or 4months now.. we are talking and we liked each other...like.. we were in the same situations in life... Like.. we both lost our mothers.. and we are from the same community.. but the deadlock came here in the guise of religion. She belongs to one and i belong to another... Even though we both from same caste... We had a discussion before like.. even though we like each other... she cant move forward in relation because of religion. We had am understanding for sometime... But recently we had a discussion over the same topic and we had a fight... Now the girl and i are not fully talking to each other... Cause she was frightened on what could happen to us if we move forward in a relationship and it fails... Because we are not a stage to try and test things because we both are 29 and you know how it will be in family for a girl... So pleaseee give me advice how to save this relationship... Because i dont want to miss this girl at all. Please...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand that you are in a tough spot, but if she has truly made up her mind not to proceed with the relationship, especially based on something as sensitive as religion, I cannot advise you to pursue her or try to convince her further. The only thing you can do is have one last open discussion where you express your feelings and the things you are willing to do to make this relationship work out. And for one last time, you can ask her, and only ask, if she would be willing to give it another try. If the answer is still a no, I am sorry, but it would not be wise to continue pushing this. If religion is important to her or an integral part of her family values, it would be selfish to ask her to set that aside for you.

I hope things work out for you.


Best Wishes.

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |314 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi sir, I’m planning to start a new life with my girlfriend for rest of my life leaving our both families aside. Reason to do that is, I’m recently married with other girl, and my gf married to other guy. We both didn’t even completed 6 months. We are not happy with our life partners. The reason we Got married to other is lack of courage to fight elders by my girlfriend but now she is ready to do fight or even leave them aside for me and start a new complete life.I’m a simple corporate working guy. We are completely decided to live together whatever happens. Our parents wont accept us as they are thinking about our married partners. Whats the best advice you would give to us to start new life in other state?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

This is a huge decision. First, I would advise both of you to think this through. I am not discouraging you because a broken marriage is far better than a forced one. But if you have even the slightest tinge of doubt, don't rush it. A lot of people are involved in this.

Here are my two cents-

Respect your current marriage- Even if you decide to leave your spouses, you have to handle this situation responsibly and with respect. You are in love with each other, but your current partners are going to suffer for it, through no fault of their own. The least you can do is part ways with kindness and integrity.

Legalities- Divorces can be a long and complicated process. It takes a financial and mental toll on people. Be prepared for that, especially since you do not have the support of your family.

Mental health- Here I am not only talking about your mental health, you need to consider your current spouse's mental health too. And though leaving behind your family seems to be the only option, it is still a big decision. Make sure both you and your girlfriend are in the right frame of mind when you finalize the decision.

As for building a new life in a new city, as exciting as it is, it will be equally challenging. Plan everything to the last detail- finances, living arrangements, job, etc. Before you make the move, make sure both of you are financially independent and self-sufficient. That's the only way to tackle any hurdles.

My best advice is to make this decision very carefully and approach the situation with empathy for all parties involved. I urge you to be honest with your current partner, instead of ever resorting to gaslighting. This is on you, but it would be easy to pin this on your spouse. Don't take the easy route. Take the right one.

I hope things work out for you with no one getting irreparably hurt.

Best wishes.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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