Dear Anu Mam, I may sound very silly but I have a very small issue which is bothering me a lot.
This is my second marriage. My ex husband who is now no more used to physically abuse me so I had to separate from him, a few years later, he passed away.
I remarried after 4 years and now have a 2 yr old daughter. I stay with my in laws. I am working and also manage the house.
My husband doesn’t feel responsible towards the daughter in any way.
He is always finding excuses to let her spend time with me. Ditto with my in laws who are also very old and cannot take care of a toddler.
Since I am also working and managing the house, there are days I feel extremely tired and helpless. But none of them seem to notice that.
We have a maid who helps around the house. I feel very lonely and guilty sometimes.
If the lockdown is lifted, I don’t know how I will manage everything.
I can’t afford to quit my job and be a full time homemaker. My in laws don’t want me to put the baby in daycare.
They are indirectly suggesting that I quit the job or look for some profile where I can work out of home.
I don’t want to bother my parents. But I feel very helpless and there is no one to give me an honest solution.
Ans: Dear VN,
This is possibly the story of many women in India who live in a joint family system and are having to adhere to the family systems of that house.
Other than caging the women, it doesn’t do much…It’s like a forced choice, wherein she needs to give up the career, look after the home and the child and the baby.
Of course, your in-laws are simply being a product of the belief systems of their generation that obviously honed the skills of a woman as a homemaker.
Breaking that in their minds is definitely going to be a task, but not impossible.
Obviously your husband is falling into the same system and unwilling to support you in the manner that you want.
It is imperative that you broach this topic with your husband and request him to bridge the gap between you and your in-laws.
He also needs to be made aware that spending time with his daughter is not out of duty but is needed for a stable emotional growth.
Every home comes with its own set of rules and rituals that are governed by age-old belief systems. And a joint family system requires every member to contribute to the growth of the other; sadly at times, they work at cross-purposes to satisfy their ego and stress their authority.
Bring in a neutral person/relative from the outside to subtly show them that times are changing and so can they.
On your part, do not go on an emotional tirade and meld into the system as it’s your default home system and you must respect it for what it gives you; security and the company of many family members.
Work your way through it with love and understanding that everyone is different and to integrate these differences into your life may help you grow as well.
Subtle and beautiful balance as you satisfy your needs as well as theirs.
Best wishes to you!
