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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 01, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
GV Question by GV on Nov 01, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Hello mam, I have come to know about you through an article I read online. I am mailing you regarding my problem. Please make it anonymous.
I'm married for 10 years. I have a son who is 6 years old.
After my delivery, my husband distanced me. Since then, we use to fight a lot. Both of us are abusive and there is no physical relation between us.
I told the same to my parents, and they suggested that I adjust keeping in mind the society and asked me to try for a job to deviate my mind.

Once I checked my husband phone and there was a history of homosexual p**n videos. When I asked him the same, he refused.
There is no happiness and only fights. I have even made suicidal attempts and was admitted to the hospital for taking expired pills.
I’m an old traditioned woman, unable to move out of marriage as I can’t handle being alone.
At the same time, I am unable to understand my husband’s behaviour.
He is saying he will be like that only, If you want you can stay or leave.
He will not tell me anything about his family – when his father passed away due to covid, he left home without telling me. I knew about it from other relatives.

Ans:

Dear GV,

Thank you for reading my content. Hope it helps.

I can only imagine the trap that you are in. So, why are you choosing to be trapped even further?

  • Do you see any scope in your husband changing?
  • Do you know anything about his sexual orientation?
  • Do you feel that the two of you can rebuild your marriage?

If the answer to the above is NO, then time to break out of your so-called traditional mindset.

Do you really want to live in this set-up and have your son grow up unstable?

I am sure that as a mother you do want to provide him with a stable and loving environment.

Then, you need to think differently about your old beliefs and see if they are worth holding onto.

The older generation might have held onto marriages even if they were abusive. But things have changed.

Even if you are not financially independent, there are venues to change that. You only need to change the way you think.

Check with yourself if continuing this way is going to give you anything great in return or is it going to steal your spirit away.

The choice is yours but do know that you have a son to take care of as well.

Start by gaining a good circle of supporters that includes your parents and close friends who can help you through this massive change to enable you take charge of your life.

All the best!

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

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Relationship
I am from Hyderabad. Age 40 years old . My name is XY and I’ve been married for 17 years. I have two boys. Ours is a love marriage.I felt like everything will be good and smooth but right after our elder kid was born my life changed. I am an MBA and several times I told my husband that I’d like to work. He said he’d help when the right time and opportunity comes. Until then I should nurture my kids as it's my responsibility and I should support him. But in the 2015, my kid noticed his chats with another lady. I was shocked because many times he’d refused sex with me. We’d get intimate maybe twice or thrice a year. I thought he was busy or maybe he doesn’t like my body. But when I caught him he said, what is over is over. Don't raise the topic. Leave me. I just kept quiet. He said what ever happened, I will be the same for my kids’ future sake. Many quarrels happened. But in 2020 his behaviour came to light. For example if I said anything, he'd punish me by not speaking to me for months. But he'd want me to wash his clothes and fulfil other necessities at home.Once I opened up and said I want to go for counselling. There he told the doctor, ‘She wants my property but she never allows me to care of my mom. She won't allow me to talk to my friends.’ I was shocked. I told him 'I never asked for money or property. I just want to quit.' I went home and told myself if he repeats this another time I won't take it for granted. But again in the month of February, he continued his behaviour. He shifted to another bedroom for a few months where he’d watch TV and have food. He'd even sleep in the kids’ bedroom. I stopped bothering. At some point, I felt like I deserved someone who trusts me.I want to quit because he thinks I am a loyal maid who will take care of kids and the household. He communicates with like ‘What I should get? Milk veggies etc?’ He never treats me with love and affection. Now everything is spoiled. I want to have a new life. I want to be set free from him. Please suggest what to do.
Ans:

Dear XY,

And may I ask what exactly are you waiting for?

Why did you think that by you going for counselling, your husband will change his behaviour towards you?

How is that he cheats on you and still you allow him to treat you this way?

This only shows that you have lost your strength which you need most right now.

What if you were a strong independent woman who has been working?

Would you still subject yourself to this? You know the answer!

Bring back that woman who had dreams, who knew how to walk the path, who knew how a man should treat her, who knew what a marriage really is.

Can you do this?

Your kids need their mother to stand up for herself and do the right thing.

Be the woman who will not settle for anything that disrespects a woman or another human.

Seeing this, they will also know how to treat a woman and what a woman can bring into their lives.

Do the right thing, for yourself and them. Bring back that strong, independent woman who knew this and more.

Best wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

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Relationship
Hi Anu, I have been reading your articles for quite some time. I am 40 years old in a marriage for last 12 years. I have a 11.5 year old son.My marriage is going through a very rough phase. My husband doesn't leave any chance to abuse me, doesn't matter where and with whom we areMy husband proposed to me knowing I have Vitiligo (discoloration of skin). Plus I was not as rich as him. I did make him aware of this before going ahead. His family was against our marriage still he went ahead. From the day of marriage he suddenly changed, and started abusing me in and out. First I thought my mother-in-law is creating problems which she did every time we came together. Infront of every maid and in the absence of my husband she tried to humiliate me based on my skin condition and financial status. But she'd become caring in his presence.After five years of marriage, for a few years we were away from family. It was peaceful and we had a nice time. But during the lockdown and online school we were back with the same problem. Now the condition is that I cannot stay with my husband. My family is very supportive but suggest that before taking any step I should think of my child. And that we should both sit and talk.If I try talking to my husband I know it will end in a fight. Kindly suggest which way should I go?
Ans:

Dear KB,

Maybe someone from the family or his friends have commented on your condition and made him feel that he made the wrong choice.

Even if it’s that, when he knew and had no objection, what is a man’s word is that he keeps it no matter what!

Now that he has gone back on it, it’s natural for others to take advantage of it and mock you for what the society considers as ‘not beautiful’.

In a way, we are obsessed with some sort of standards for what’s beautiful and what’s not. Beauty standards, you might call it so!

He seems to be a different person with his family and without, it suggests that he may not have a very strong mind to back up the decision of marrying you in the first place possibly against the wishes of his family.

Abuse, at no point is justifiable and you need to take a strong stance and draw a boundary as this is going to continue.

Your family has made a wise suggestion and for the sake of the child, it might be worth the effort to sit down have that chat with your husband however hard that might be.

Do not compromise on the fact that this so-called beauty standards and labels within his family will continue. Be unapologetic about who you are and own your beauty your way.

This is non- negotiable and you need to state this clearly when you have that conversation with him. Period!

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 24, 2024

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello sir/Madam I'm going through a rough time of my life and want some help from you I am a professional and 48 years old and I have 2 grown up children My problem is that I had a love marriage with my husband22 years back and his family didn't accept me whole heartidly since we belong to different castes and culture .they wanted to take advantage of me financially My husband has strained his relationship with my mom n only sister after my father's death in 2008 over money matters Me, my husband and children live in a house provided by my parents in a different city from my inlaws They always create differences between us still Now another problem has cropped up in our relationship I spied on my my husband's mobile n discovered tha that he has sex chats with other women and is involved in mastrubating sessions with them over phone I am completely broken from inside n not able to decide what to do coz when i confronted him , he flatly refused n fought with me and started putting false allegations on me .I am quite disturbed as i dont want to end my marriage eventhough he behaves very bad with me at times Kindly advice me
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Since you know that you want this marriage still, then the best way to not be hurt and strained around him, is to:
Either:
- Ignore what's happening and what he's doing and he leads his life and you lead yours (This is not easy, let me warn you!)
OR
- Live separately; you are financially independent and have your home to live in; he can go live with his parents and see if this works

Sadly, you married someone who has not learned to appreciate his partner and is perhaps playing to his own insecurities. It's totally on him and why I say that you are not to blame is: the fact that you still want to continue in this marriage, you may have to face more of this humiliation and hurt. If this is your decision, you really need a very steely interior and a facade that can face it all.
Yes, counseling is an option for him and the two of you as couple, BUT I don't see that in him as yet...Instead of addressing his wife's hurt and pain, he has refused to acknowledge what he's been up to. It doesn't say a lot about him to me.
So, strengthen yourself into your decision and check the two choices above and see what works best for you...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Moneywize

Moneywize   |165 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Oct 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 05, 2024Hindi
Money
I’m from Pune. I’m 48 with two children. Should I invest in ELSS funds to save tax, or should I focus on traditional instruments like PPF and fixed deposits?
Ans: Deciding between Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS) and traditional investment instruments like Public Provident Fund (PPF) and Fixed Deposits (FDs) depends on various factors, including your financial goals, risk tolerance, investment horizon, and tax-saving needs. Here's a comprehensive comparison to help you make an informed decision:

1. Understanding the Investment Options

a. ELSS (Equity Linked Savings Schemes)

• Nature: Equity Mutual Funds with a tax-saving component.
• Lock-In Period: 3 years (shortest among tax-saving instruments under Section 80C).
• Returns: Potentially higher returns as they are invested in equities, but subject to market volatility.
• Tax Benefits: Investments up to ?1.5 lakh per annum are eligible for deduction under Section 80C.
• Liquidity: Relatively higher liquidity post the lock-in period compared to other tax-saving instruments.

b. PPF (Public Provident Fund)

• Nature: Government-backed long-term savings scheme.
• Lock-In Period: 15 years.
• Returns: Moderate and tax-free returns, revised periodically by the government (typically around 7-8% p.a.).
• Tax Benefits: Investments up to ?1.5 lakh per annum qualify for deduction under Section 80C. The interest earned and the maturity amount are tax-free.
• Safety: Very low risk as it's backed by the government.

c. Fixed Deposits (FDs)

• Nature: Fixed-term investment with banks or post offices.
• Lock-In Period: Varies; typically no lock-in for regular FDs, but tax-saving FDs have a 5-year lock-in.
• Returns: Fixed interest rates, generally lower than ELSS but higher than savings accounts. Current rates vary but are around 5-7% p.a. for tax-saving FDs.
• Tax Benefits: Investments up to ?1.5 lakh in tax-saving FDs qualify for deduction under Section 80C.
• Safety: Low risk, especially with reputable banks.

2. Factors to Consider

a. Risk Appetite

• ELSS: Suitable if you are willing to take on market-related risks for potentially higher returns.
• PPF & FDs: Ideal for conservative investors seeking capital protection and guaranteed returns.

b. Investment Horizon

• ELSS: 3-year lock-in period, but generally better for medium to long-term goals.
• PPF: 15-year commitment, suitable for long-term goals like retirement or children's education.
• FDs: Flexible, but tax-saving FDs require a 5-year lock-in, suitable for medium-term goals.

c. Returns

• ELSS: Historically, ELSS funds have outperformed PPF and FDs over the long term, but with higher volatility.
• PPF: Offers stable and tax-free returns, which are beneficial in a low-interest-rate environment.
• FDs: Provide guaranteed returns, useful for capital preservation but may lag behind inflation and equity returns over time.

d. Tax Efficiency

• ELSS: Returns are subject to capital gains tax. Short-term (if held for less than 3 years) gains are taxed as per your income slab, while long-term gains (exceeding ?1 lakh) are taxed at 10%.
• PPF: Completely tax-free returns.
• FDs: Interest earned is taxable as per your income slab, which can reduce the effective returns.

3. Recommendations Based on Your Profile

Given that you are 48 years old with two children, your investment strategy should balance between growth and safety, considering your proximity to retirement and financial responsibilities.

a. Diversified Approach

A balanced portfolio that includes both ELSS and traditional instruments like PPF and FDs can help mitigate risks while aiming for reasonable growth.

• ELSS: Allocate a portion (e.g., 30-40%) to ELSS to benefit from potential equity growth, which can help in wealth accumulation for retirement or funding children's education.
• PPF: Continue contributing to PPF for long-term, stable, and tax-free returns. Given its 15-year tenure, it aligns well with retirement planning.
• FDs: Use FDs for short to medium-term goals or as a part of your emergency fund, ensuring liquidity and capital preservation.

b. Consider Your Tax Bracket

If you are in a higher tax bracket, maximizing tax-saving instruments under Section 80C can provide significant tax relief. ELSS, PPF, and tax-saving FDs all qualify, so diversifying among them can spread risk and optimize tax benefits.

c. Assess Liquidity Needs

Ensure you have sufficient liquidity for unforeseen expenses. While ELSS has a shorter lock-in compared to PPF, both still tie up funds for a few years. Maintain a separate emergency fund in a more liquid form, such as a savings account or liquid mutual funds.

d. Review Your Risk Tolerance

At 48, with retirement possibly 10-20 years away, a moderate risk appetite might be suitable. ELSS can offer growth potential, while PPF and FDs provide stability.

4. Additional Considerations

• Emergency Fund: Ensure you have 6-12 months' worth of expenses saved in a highly liquid form.
• Insurance: Adequate health and life insurance are crucial, especially with dependents.
• Debt Management: If you have any high-interest debt, prioritize paying it off before locking funds in fixed instruments.

5. Consult a Financial Advisor

While the above guidelines provide a general framework, it's advisable to consult with a certified financial planner or advisor. They can offer personalized advice tailored to your specific financial situation, goals, and risk tolerance.

Finally, both ELSS and traditional instruments like PPF and FDs have their unique advantages. A diversified investment strategy that leverages the strengths of each can help you achieve a balanced portfolio, ensuring both growth and security. Given your age and family responsibilities, striking the right balance between risk and safety is essential for long-term financial well-being.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |364 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 11, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
This is urgent. Pls help. My son 18 yrs has been in a relationship with his classmate. He is intelligent and very venerable as he is innocent.She has been abetting him and his behaviour on the family has changed. He shouts at us and kind of surrendered himself to her. Anything we say irritates him. He has started telling lies. He locks the room and is on the phone hours together. Even if he tells that he is sleepy, she doesn't allow him to sleep. He doesn't know that we are aware of it. We tried to indirectly talk but he doesn't care about anything as he blindly follows her instructions. He doesn't listen to anyone. We feel something is wrong. Should we talk to her parents or use some law? Making them sit and advice doesn't work.
Ans: The challenge here is that he’s likely in a highly emotional and intense phase of his life, where his attachment to this person may feel all-consuming. When someone feels like they're being judged or controlled, they tend to push back harder, and it seems that's what’s happening with your son. Approaching him with confrontation or involving legal measures may only cause him to withdraw even more.

What he needs right now, even if he doesn't realize it, is understanding and connection. If you can find a way to express your concern for his well-being, not just your disapproval of his relationship, it might open up a space for dialogue. He may feel trapped in this relationship in ways he can't yet see. Your role can be to help him feel safe enough to reflect on his own choices, rather than feel he has to defend them.

This is a delicate situation, and while it may seem urgent, sometimes a softer approach allows for a deeper breakthrough. Your patience, love, and ability to listen might be the key to guiding him through this

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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