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Anu

Anu Krishna  |872 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 16, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
SV Question by SV on Nov 16, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Hi Anu
First request is to keep my identity a top secret.
I am a 40 years old guy with a good stable job. I am in the process of legal separation (divorce) which is scheduled to happen in the next two months.
I have been living a bachelor’s life since past 5 years and unfortunately, the legal separation is happening only now.

Three years ago I met a girl and we fell in love and I feel that she is best fit for me for second innings.
She is madly in love with me and wants to spent all her life with me.
Now comes the issue –we have been living-in for some months now.
Even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with her – I have started feeling a lack of attraction – I have started feeling that I want her also but I also don't like her being around all the time.

It is difficult to explain and may sound weird and 'selfish'. I feel that it is not about this particular girl – it’s just that start feeling deprived of my freedom when someone is around all the time and I may feel so even if it’s some other person.
My point is that the problem is not with the girl but it’s with me. I also want a partner and at the same time I do not want a person around me all the time.
(I have noticed that many men feel like this.....)
What is your suggestion to this?

Ans:

Dear SV,

I guess two people in love wanting two different things within the relationship?

Easy way is to talk about it.

Yes, she may feel hurt and may feel that you led her the wrong way etc, but it’s better to discuss this rather than let it grow any further.

I would not know if many men feel the way that you do (it’s your view of the situation) but let’s focus on what you feel.

You do not want to have that commitment where you play the householders’ identity all over again after going through it in a not so pleasant way the first time. Fair enough!

But, don’t you feel the lady who loves you now needs to know that.

Keep her trust in you alive and validate her feelings when you communicate this to her.

There may be emotional outbursts and you must be in the kindest space of mind. After all, she has known her dreams in a different way with you and now things are changing.

An alternate thought to this: What would happen if you actually allow yourself a second chance at being a married man?

A lot of men do go through a second marriage and things have worked out fine for them.

Is it that you are used to living independently as you believe or are you fearful of a repeat from your first marriage?

If it is a fear, then time to break it and move past as you are keeping yourself from a beautiful journey and marriage.

It might be worthwhile to assess your thoughts and then if you still feel that it’s not fear and that you want the independence, time to break it to the lady very kindly and gently and do not forget to apologise to her. It might be a huge shock.

So, please check with your mind first before taking any decision.

Best wishes!

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Anu Krishna  |872 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 18, 2023

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Hi Anu , This Raaj here this side, I have seen your views on the relationship here on this site . so for that I need your help and your valuable expertise . About myself I am 42 yrs self employed businessman ,I got married in march 2010, it was a arrange marriage . from the day 1 there is a problem and it increases day after day. From the that wedlock I had baby girl . from 2012 situation got worsened matrimonial cases started it continued for next 4-5 yrs . after long battle I got divorced in 2016-17. This divorce cost me a lot , bcoz of that I lost my friends , social stigma, financial lost ( hefty alimony)and lot other problem which are associated with this . Now the main problem comes here , as after my divorce I was not ready to get re marry again but my parents are pressuring mr to get settle again ASAP. After long persuation I said ok …. I started searching my own and parents also started there own . In last 4 yrs I have seen lot of prospects ……..( kissi ko main nahi pasand , kissi ko mera kamm nahi pasand , kissi ko mere parents ke sath rehna nahi pasand …….. kissio ko meri income se problem hai,……………toa kuch mujhe nahi jachi.)there is lot of pressure on me that I should be perfect now after my divorce . after all this I had few good prospects ………….1. she was good but she wasnot happy with my income , she said no to me initially but continued talking and we are still in touch as she moved to Australia in APR 2019.As now we r really very good friends now ,Jab main usme interested tha toa usne na boll diya ………but jab usne dubarra reconsider karke propose kiya toa maine na boll diya. Than in 2020 COVID hits which upsets everybody’s life .360degree . In NOV 2020 I met 1 girl on one of the matrimonial sites ….we shared our details stated talking to each other , she liked me but didn’t responded her positively but continued our talks………in march2021 pata nahi kaise aur kyu …..maine use propose kiya…… maine use milne uske passd gaya ……….we talked …..shared our thoughts ….spend good time ……..but raat ko ghar vapis aa ke maine use NO kar diya . REASON is not known ya kahu toa main darr gaya tha .because of this she also got upst and that makes her depressed. For next 10 days I was so depressed I didn’t had my proper meal ……nothing all. I was in guilt ,that make me depressed for really long . I was only thinking about her only all the time nothing else, On 2nd JULY 21 ko maine pher user message kiya ………. After 2-3 days after my sorry and all that we started talking again. Everything stated good again .now in last week of july 2021 my father got severe heart attack ……and he had a surgery . Now they are pressuring me again that I should get settle soon ……..all my family members and sister and all. Maine Phir usko marriage ke liye tyar kiya aur phir batt ko STOP kar diya . and this tym mujhe gharwalo se aur sab se bahut anbun ho gayi. Ab mujhe samaj aa rahi ki main kya karu . main shaddi to karna chata hoon par kissi pe trust nahi kar pa raha hoon . mere ghar valo ka mujh pe bahut pressure hai . there are some other problem which I would like to disscuss in future . pls help me what should I do , I m feeling helpless . Thanks Raaj
Ans: Dear Raaj,
What is it that you want?
You seem to ready to get into a relationship because your family thinks so, your father had a heart attack and then they pressure you to find a girl to marry.
So, what is it that you want and want to do?
And the possible reason for not striking a chord with the women that you were interacting with. When you have decided what you want, it will show up in your body language, facial gestures and within the conversation. You are possibly still healing from your divorce and are not ready to get into another marriage. So, don't. First, sort your mind out and then think of another relationship.
So kindly, start to think for yourself ignoring what your family tells you. Yes, you need to do that. Family pressure is no reason to get married; of course they mean well and care for you. But, what you want is what matters here.
So, if you want to stop feeling helpless, take charge of your life and do what you think is right for you. Heal from your divorce and think about what you need in another relationship and in your partner. When you ready, then it's time. So, no more helplessness, only strength.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |872 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 21, 2023

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Relationship
Hello Anu Ji, Firstly thank you very much for your valuable time and feedback on problem. Thanks for understanding me & my POV in this small conversation. After so long Its you who had read between the lines .I am really very thankful of you , that you have given me such a lovely advice. But I am bit confused. After reading mail I was really get very positive and optimistic about my decision. I read ur mail 4 times , I got a positive ray of hope with lot of confusion comes with it . You said “You are possibly still healing from your divorce and are not ready to get into another marriage.” Yes this is the question. Its almost 7 years why I can’t be able to overcome from that dilemma and trauma which I got in past . You said “First, sort your mind out and then think of another relationship” , yes another question what should I sort it down and how ? You said “ what is it that you want and want to do?” this the problem which is not letting me move on.bcoz of this I am so much confused I can’t express you in word . I am not able to understand my wants ……………there is a Cat- Rat Race from Head to heart………from Heart to head all day. In simple words its (Kashmakash). You know ……….. I also want to get married, I want a companion …partner with whom I want to share my emotions, joy’s,……..happiness….etc., I want kids , I want to go for long drives , outings , dance with my wife , and lot of other small big things in my mind, which I was not able to do in past marriage. I want someone, to whom I can share my feeling when I am low. I am strong enough to take care of myself but u know … You need someone who say’s “Don’t worry Allz be well, I am with you “. But for this I have to Trust the other person that’s the thing I Am unable to do it . I don’t know why, I don’t Trust anybody now? why I am creating a vicious circle about trust .? You said one thing very beautiful “So, if you want to stop feeling helpless, take charge of your life and do what you think is right for you” these words really touched my heart .thanks for the encouragement and the words of strength. I really need it very badly. These words give me a new direction to think and bit of strength to my POV. Please forgive me about my English language ……. I am not very good at it and may be you find few thing repetitive and irritating. Pls ignore it . Hoping that I am able convey my POV and feelings of my problem so that u can easily understand…….and on that basis you give Your valuable feedback and advice. Thanks R@@J
Ans: Dear Raaj,
Thank you for your kind words.
The follow-up questions that you have asked me requires a deep-dive introspection from you. You have very clearly and intelligently come up with these questions which is difficult to do when in a problem. But you have managed to do that. So congratulations on taking the first step!

To clarify, always clear any remnants from the previous relationship before you begin a new one. Also, any relationship including marriage is something never to be entered into to please anyone. Do this only when you are ready and there is no need to give into any pressure. Your longing for a companion is sweet but as I have mentioned, ask all these questions to yourself and reflect.
Also, ask:
- am I completely ready to commit to a marriage?
- am I carrying any fear/anger from the previous marriage?
- how will I keep my relationship with my daughter after my marriage?

And yes, the day you learn to love yourself again, you will find it easier to trust again and that's why I said: Heal first...and then think of a companion. Without that trust, you will be playing a game again and it will not end well.
Take some time off to rediscover yourself and heal. Heal by loving yourself and things will flow without you having to chase one lady after the other. Love must be effortless and not chased or forced. Take a break; fear nothing...All will be well...

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |872 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 07, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hi. I am 41 year male married since last 15 years. I have a 8 year old daughter. My relationship with my wife isn't great as far as I am concerned. She was busy with her job and raising our daughter and while doing so could not focus much on our relationship. Our physical interaction almost stopped after our child birth and since last 5 years we never had intercourse. I engaged myself in casual relationship with few colleagues of mine and life was going on like that. But in 2021 , I engaged myself with another female colleague of mine and with her , I feel like what I have never ever felt with any other woman. I can't let her go. I long to meet her. I feel sad when she is away. And it's been 3 years. She loves me very much and I love her too. My wife got a wind of it and now she is trying hard to make up for the lost time and efforts. My wife loves me too. I don't want to separate from her because though she wasn't a great partner but she did manage our house and daughter diligently. Moreover, I don't want my daughter suffer too. She deserves both her parents. So, I discussed this with my wife and told her that , I believe we can't be a great couple but we can at least be good parents. Allow me to spend some time with my female colleague and let's continue as we have been doing since last decade. But she is not accepting this. And I can't let my colleague go. I do love her. She also loves me and is not inclined towards settling with me as she is married too and has 2 kids. Kindly suggest what to do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There is some sort of trend of stepping out of marriage when physical needs are not met within the marriage. It's the easiest way out!
Why is it so hard to figure out what is happening when one of the partners in the marriage is not interested in intimacy?
Why doesn't the other partner try to understand, accept and work with the partner who is struggling through something?
And this goes for the husband and wife and partners within a relationship.

It isn't something written in stone that sex 'MUST' be a part of marriage BUT it certainly is a pillar to creating a stronger relationship. So, why assume and go searching for it? Then you will have all reasons to justify why you did it and how your partner is responsible for it.
Now, you are in a soup with two women vying for your time and attention. And with children involved, things only get complicated. Yes, your wife feels that it his her right to be in your life and your question is: where was she all these years? My question is: why did you stop trying all these years to put things together?

My suggestion: As much as you want to be in the other lady's life, she is clear that she does not want to settle with you. You are also clear that you don't want to separate from your wife but you want her to accept the other lady. Doesn't it seem highly impractical to you?

Before you end up hurting someone or yourself, do what's right for everyone and especially the children. They don't deserve a set of parents that is confused. Good people who come into our lives can end up becoming good friends as well.

All the best!

..Read more

Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 09, 2024

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Relationship
Hi, Iam 42 and married for last 12 years with two kids. Due to the scuffles between us my wife left me with kids and have been living away for last 4 years. During this time, a girl of, 15 years younger to me, came in my life and I found a true soul mate in her, may be due to the void which was created because of my wife leaving me. Last year that girl got married to someone else, as she has already planned and conveyed to me right in the beginning of our relationship. In, last one year, my wife is also trying to come close to me, as I have been bearing all their expenses and have been trying to be a good and reasonable father and husband (though I myself is pretty lonely, after my girl's departure) and my wife and kids are now finding me to be a great and responsible man. But me, at the deep down level, is drowning every single day and finding it unbearable to live without my girl. Do not know what to do. That girl is living happily with her husband and planning for the kids. At the same time, she on and off calls me and ask for the monetary favours, which I have been fulfilling even after her marriage. Iam broken and helpless. Kindly help.
Ans: That girl is only in touch with you for the monetary favours. If you have a chance at keeping your family together, please take it. Don’t be taken advantage of by someone who went off and married someone else. She’s young and smart, and knows how to take advantage of you…and you’re letting her. Also, it may benefit you to visit a therapist regularly for some time and talk through your problems in private. Get all this off your chest so you can focus on your own family.

..Read more

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Krishna Kumar  |280 Answers  |Ask -

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Asked by Anonymous - Apr 19, 2024Hindi
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Im 49 years old i worked as a teacher in a private unaided school in Telangana Medchal Mandal for the past 24 years.I started my career in teaching in this school since 1998 -2024 March 15. I was asked to quit the school since the new management wanted to have teachers according to their whims and fancies. I worked for her parents when the parents died the property was divided among her daughters finally the elder one cornered it she didn't want the old staff to work and wanted to appoint new staff. When my old correspondent (her mother) when we asked for PF she assured i can't insure right now because i should have done right at the inception of the school so i promise to pay good will when you leave the school for the service rendered towards the school unfortunately she too died in 2021 then her daughter present correspondent didn't even do any favour Unfortunate thing i worked for such an institution there i had not facilities of PF . I served so loyally for this institution as a token of gratitude to my service.they didn't pay anything. Finding a job in other institution they doubt over long standing experience in one school and owing my age they are hesitant to offer a job i have attended few interviews in school . I'm running pillar to post to find a job to support myself. Im helpless and desperate don't know what to do. Please help mem
Ans: Hello

I can understand what you must be feeling to go through this stage of life.

May I suggest you start with taking private tutions, given your rich experience in teaching I am sure you will make positive impact in the lives of students. Initially you may find it difficult ... but as you take steps...over the period a good path would be laid.

Believe in yourself...I am sure you will do it good.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |2330 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 12, 2024Hindi
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Money
From April 2024 I ve started a SIP of 4 lacs each in ICIC pru index, 4.5 L in Parag Parikh Flexicap & 1.5 L Nippon India small cap( all 3 growth plans) . My age is 46 & I want to build a solid corpus of over 25 crore over the next 9-10 yrs until I retire. Do u suggest any changes or addition in the number of funds.
Ans: Your commitment to SIPs reflects a proactive approach towards building wealth for your retirement, and your choice of funds demonstrates a well-diversified portfolio. Let's evaluate your current strategy and suggest potential adjustments to align with your ambitious goal of accumulating over 25 crores in the next 9-10 years.

Assessing Current Portfolio Allocation
Your current SIP allocation comprises investments in ICICI Pru Index, Parag Parikh Flexicap, and Nippon India Small Cap funds, each with varying risk profiles and growth potential. While index funds offer stability, flexicap funds provide diversification, and small-cap funds aim for higher growth.

Considering Risk and Return Profile
Given your age of 46 and the relatively short investment horizon until retirement, it's crucial to strike a balance between risk and return. As you approach retirement, preserving capital becomes paramount, necessitating a gradual shift towards more conservative investments.

Potential Adjustments and Additions
Diversification: Consider diversifying further by adding exposure to other asset classes like debt or balanced funds to mitigate overall portfolio risk. Debt funds provide stability, while balanced funds offer a mix of equity and debt, suitable for investors nearing retirement.

Focus on Consistency: Evaluate the historical performance and consistency of the funds in your portfolio. Ensure that they align with your long-term financial goals and risk tolerance.

Review Fund Selection: While your current funds have their merits, periodically review their performance and make adjustments if necessary. Funds experiencing consistent underperformance or significant changes in fund management may warrant reconsideration.

Professional Guidance: Engage with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to conduct a comprehensive review of your portfolio and provide personalized recommendations tailored to your financial objectives and risk appetite.

Conclusion
In pursuit of your ambitious goal of accumulating over 25 crores by retirement, it's essential to periodically review and adjust your investment strategy. By diversifying appropriately, focusing on consistency, and seeking professional guidance, you can optimize your SIP portfolio for long-term wealth creation and financial security in retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |2330 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 12, 2024Hindi
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Money
I want 20 lakh lumpsum in sip
Ans: As a Certified Financial Planner, I commend your ambition to accumulate a lump sum of 20 lakhs through Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs). Let’s outline a strategic approach to achieve this goal efficiently.

Setting Realistic Expectations
Generating a lump sum of 20 lakhs through SIPs requires consistent investment over a defined period, coupled with disciplined savings habits. It's essential to understand that wealth accumulation takes time and patience.

Calculating SIP Amount and Duration
To reach your target, we need to determine the monthly SIP amount and duration based on your risk appetite and investment horizon. Considering your age and the time frame of two years, we'll need to adopt an aggressive approach while maintaining a balanced risk profile.

Selecting Suitable Funds
Given the relatively short investment horizon, opting for equity mutual funds with a proven track record of delivering consistent returns is imperative. Actively managed funds, guided by experienced fund managers, can capitalize on market opportunities and navigate volatility effectively.

Regular Funds Managed by CFP Certified MFDs: A Wise Choice
Investing through Mutual Fund Distributors (MFDs) with Certified Financial Planner (CFP) credentials ensures personalized guidance and assistance throughout your investment journey. Regular funds offer the advantage of professional advice, portfolio monitoring, and timely adjustments, enhancing the potential for wealth creation.

Monitoring and Adjusting
Regularly monitoring your SIPs' performance and making necessary adjustments based on market conditions and your financial goals is essential. Stay informed about economic developments and fund performance to make informed decisions.

Conclusion
Embarking on a SIP journey with the goal of accumulating a lump sum of 20 lakhs demands discipline, patience, and a well-thought-out investment strategy. By selecting suitable funds, seeking professional guidance, and staying committed to your financial objectives, you can inch closer to realizing your wealth accumulation goal.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |2330 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 16, 2024

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Money
I am 26 year with monthly savings of about 50k . I want to start investment in different portfolio . I would also need saving for my marriage after 2 years . Can u suggest me my portfolio .
Ans: As a Certified Financial Planner, I understand the significance of tailoring an investment portfolio that aligns with your financial goals and aspirations. With your monthly savings of 50k and a forthcoming marriage in mind, let’s delve into creating a diversified investment strategy that suits your needs.

Understanding Your Goals
Firstly, congratulations on your commitment to financial planning at such a young age. Your dedication to saving and investing is commendable and sets a strong foundation for your future financial security.

Short-Term Needs: Saving for Marriage
With your marriage on the horizon in just two years, it's essential to prioritize your short-term savings. Opting for low-risk investment avenues is prudent to ensure the funds are readily available when needed. Consider avenues like liquid funds or short-term debt funds, which offer stability and liquidity.

Long-Term Growth: Building Your Portfolio
Diversification is key to mitigating risks and maximizing returns over the long term. While real estate is often considered, it comes with its own set of challenges, including illiquidity and high upfront costs. Hence, we'll explore other avenues for wealth accumulation.

Equity Investments: Embracing Growth Opportunities
Equities, despite their volatility, offer unparalleled growth potential over the long term. Actively managed equity mutual funds, overseen by skilled fund managers, can capitalize on market opportunities and navigate risks effectively. Unlike index funds, actively managed funds have the flexibility to adapt to changing market conditions and outperform benchmarks.

Debt Instruments: Balancing Risk and Stability
Incorporating debt instruments in your portfolio provides stability and regular income. Opt for a mix of medium to long-term debt funds, which offer higher returns compared to traditional savings instruments like fixed deposits. Regular funds managed by Mutual Fund Distributors (MFDs) with CFP credentials ensure personalized guidance and assistance, enhancing your investment experience.

Gold Investments: Hedging Against Uncertainty
Gold serves as a hedge against economic uncertainty and inflation. Allocating a small portion of your portfolio to gold, either through gold mutual funds or sovereign gold bonds, adds diversification and stability.

Emergency Fund: Safeguarding Your Financial Well-being
Maintaining an emergency fund equivalent to at least six months of expenses is crucial to handle unforeseen financial emergencies without disrupting your investment portfolio. Keep this fund in easily accessible avenues like savings accounts or liquid funds.

Regular Review and Rebalancing
Periodically reviewing your portfolio and rebalancing it ensures it remains aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance. Life events, market conditions, and personal circumstances may warrant adjustments to your investment strategy.

Conclusion
In crafting your investment portfolio, it's vital to strike a balance between growth, stability, and liquidity while keeping your short-term and long-term goals in mind. By diversifying across various asset classes and seeking professional guidance, you can embark on a journey towards financial success and security.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

...Read more

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