Hi Anu,Hope you are well. I have recently started reading your column and I like the way you give suggestions and help people to overcome whatever issues they are going through in this beautiful journey called life.There is something that I would like to tell you and would need your suggestion and advise.There is a lady whom I know for over 4 decades living close to my house. Her father and my father are colleagues and used to work together and they are best friends. She knows me right from a very early age and she is quite elder to me by 8 or 10 years perhaps.Recently I happened to send her some MMS porn clips which I got from a group. I thought she will shout at me and block me...but she didn't do that. I still send her sometimes when I get such clips. Recently she said that this is not real. I don't know what she means by that. During my adult years when I was 21-22 years old I used to fantasise having a physical relationship with her. I had my own reasons because of the way she used to behave with me when I’d go to her house. But I never tried initiating it maybe because of lack of confidence or fear of getting scolded by her. Her kids are studying in America (masters level) and United Kingdom (graduation level).Few months ago I lied to her that there is a lady near my office who is the divorcee and is trying to get close to me physically and she is inviting me to her house a couple of times. The reason I told her this lie was to know how she will react... The moment I told her this she told me don't go to such people, just avoid her and tell her that you are in a relationship with me. I even told her that the lady who is the divorcee is asking me if I am having a physical relationship with her whom I know since childhood days. She just laughed and said your divorcee friend is mad...She even said that the divorcee friend (whom I created out of my imagination) is stuck because of my childhood friend.Whenever I ask my childhood friend to meet up she always tells me that she is busy and that she does not like anyone coming to her house because her husband might not like it.Anu what do you think? Is my childhood friend whom I know for 4 decades interested in having a sexual relationship with me but is not initiating it thinking that it will affect our married lives. Women will not do anything that will disturb their life security system. She is very rich because her husband is a corporate employee holding a leadership position and well paid around a crore per year. Will she allow me if I initiate sex with her?Please understand that I don't know how to initiate that as she doesn't want me to visit her in her house. She doesn't go out much but rather spends time home and goes out with her husband for Sunday church mass sometimes or goes to the nearby chapel for praying. I am happily married for the last 12 years.Last week also I sent her an MMS and she replied with an emoji (a grinning face with star eyes). What does this mean?Is she really wanting to have sex with me but waiting for me to initiate or she is doing time pass with me? I am willing to get physical with her.Please advise me... Thanks for reading this till the end.
Ans: Dear SS,
Thank you for the kind acknowledgement on my columns. Much appreciated.
Why exactly is it important for you to pursue a new relationship?
As for your childhood friend, do know that being much older than you are, phases of life and its experiences are different for her than they are for you.
So, her wanting a relationship -- physical or otherwise -- maybe out of her want or lack of something in her life.
Shall we focus on you for the moment? Again, what is this interest in pursuing a relationship with her or alternatively wanting to know that if she wants one, so you can initiate it?
Where are you in terms of your ‘happily married’ life?
How does your wife feel about you being so interested in another woman besides her? Or does she not have a whiff of it as yet?
Why are you sending your childhood friend porn clips? What are you seeking from her? Or are you looking for a casual fling?
Not to sound like I am judging you here, there might be a possibility of exploring something new and different which I do see in many couples that I work with.
It could be because of the missing spark or the predictability within the marriage.
What if you spiced things up within the marriage?
Will you still feel the need to seek the company of another woman on chat or in any physical or emotional manner?
What I can suggest is: pour your energies in your marriage and it is possible that you begin to de-focus from your childhood friend and have a more meaningful connection with her.
Also, I fail to understand why she is so against you mentioning other women.
Whatever funny games that you both have been playing is rather childish testing each other and get a kick out of it.
Time to grow up and focus on your core relationships and nourish it to feel more full and content from within.
Good luck!