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49-Year-Old Man Asks for Advice on Ending Affair with Married Woman

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1293 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Sep 12, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Respected M'aam, I am a 49 year old male, divorced for the last 15 years. I had been in a relationship for a few years with marriage on the cards. However, for some reason, her uncle objected and got her parents who were initially happy and agreeable to withdraw their consent. Hence, this didnt work out and we parted ways amicably. About three years back, I was approached by the wife of a friend whose marriage was going through a rough patch, for some advice and help in getting her husband back on track. However, the husband refused to change ways and their marriage remains to be rocky. This lady and I got chatting often and we became friendly. Only a few short weeks since we first met, she started visiting my house regularly. I live alone and have no living relatives. Initially these visits would be to go over prospective jobs for her husband and later on, this topic was completely ignored and we started chatting on friendly basis. What started as small physical gestures soon developed into a major physical relationship. This physical relationship has been going on for almost three years now. Everytime, she has a fight at home, she visits me and we end up getting physical. This happens almost twice a week. In the meantime, I meet her husband almost daily and have to pretend as if everything is normal, all the time hiding this fact. She doesnt want to divorce him and marry me despite being asked many times even though this itself shall be the cause of me being socially boycotted by all my friends. She wants to continue having physical relations with me and wants our relationship to be simply for this reason. I tried ending it often, but she would turn up at my door and I would have to take her in and we would again end up being physical. I do not know what to do anymore even though I want to end this but she doesnt. Please advise. Thanks

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Kindly get out of this mess before you not just your friends but also lose your peace of mind. You are right in wanting to end things as it has been clear to you for a while now that this 'thing' that you have gotten into is not going anywhere.
The lady is absolutely clear about wanting you for her physical needs, a bit of attention and a lot of emotional caring...where does that leave you with? Nothing!
So, be wise and do what you have been wanting to for a while...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1293 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 01, 2022

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Hi Anu,Hope you are well. I have recently started reading your column and I like the way you give suggestions and help people to overcome whatever issues they are going through in this beautiful journey called life.There is something that I would like to tell you and would need your suggestion and advise.There is a lady whom I know for over 4 decades living close to my house. Her father and my father are colleagues and used to work together and they are best friends. She knows me right from a very early age and she is quite elder to me by 8 or 10 years perhaps.Recently I happened to send her some MMS porn clips which I got from a group. I thought she will shout at me and block me...but she didn't do that. I still send her sometimes when I get such clips. Recently she said that this is not real. I don't know what she means by that. During my adult years when I was 21-22 years old I used to fantasise having a physical relationship with her. I had my own reasons because of the way she used to behave with me when I’d go to her house. But I never tried initiating it maybe because of lack of confidence or fear of getting scolded by her. Her kids are studying in America (masters level) and United Kingdom (graduation level).Few months ago I lied to her that there is a lady near my office who is the divorcee and is trying to get close to me physically and she is inviting me to her house a couple of times. The reason I told her this lie was to know how she will react... The moment I told her this she told me don't go to such people, just avoid her and tell her that you are in a relationship with me. I even told her that the lady who is the divorcee is asking me if I am having a physical relationship with her whom I know since childhood days. She just laughed and said your divorcee friend is mad...She even said that the divorcee friend (whom I created out of my imagination) is stuck because of my childhood friend.Whenever I ask my childhood friend to meet up she always tells me that she is busy and that she does not like anyone coming to her house because her husband might not like it.Anu what do you think? Is my childhood friend whom I know for 4 decades interested in having a sexual relationship with me but is not initiating it thinking that it will affect our married lives. Women will not do anything that will disturb their life security system. She is very rich because her husband is a corporate employee holding a leadership position and well paid around a crore per year. Will she allow me if I initiate sex with her?Please understand that I don't know how to initiate that as she doesn't want me to visit her in her house. She doesn't go out much but rather spends time home and goes out with her husband for Sunday church mass sometimes or goes to the nearby chapel for praying. I am happily married for the last 12 years.Last week also I sent her an MMS and she replied with an emoji (a grinning face with star eyes). What does this mean?Is she really wanting to have sex with me but waiting for me to initiate or she is doing time pass with me? I am willing to get physical with her.Please advise me... Thanks for reading this till the end.
Ans:

Dear SS,

Thank you for the kind acknowledgement on my columns. Much appreciated.

Why exactly is it important for you to pursue a new relationship?

As for your childhood friend, do know that being much older than you are, phases of life and its experiences are different for her than they are for you.

So, her wanting a relationship -- physical or otherwise -- maybe out of her want or lack of something in her life.

Shall we focus on you for the moment? Again, what is this interest in pursuing a relationship with her or alternatively wanting to know that if she wants one, so you can initiate it?

Where are you in terms of your ‘happily married’ life?

How does your wife feel about you being so interested in another woman besides her? Or does she not have a whiff of it as yet?

Why are you sending your childhood friend porn clips? What are you seeking from her? Or are you looking for a casual fling?

Not to sound like I am judging you here, there might be a possibility of exploring something new and different which I do see in many couples that I work with.

It could be because of the missing spark or the predictability within the marriage.

What if you spiced things up within the marriage?

Will you still feel the need to seek the company of another woman on chat or in any physical or emotional manner?

What I can suggest is: pour your energies in your marriage and it is possible that you begin to de-focus from your childhood friend and have a more meaningful connection with her.

Also, I fail to understand why she is so against you mentioning other women.

Whatever funny games that you both have been playing is rather childish testing each other and get a kick out of it.

Time to grow up and focus on your core relationships and nourish it to feel more full and content from within.

Good luck!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1293 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 15, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 09, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Dear Mam. I like a girl precisely 23 years back through one of my relative. We met quite often.she was from different city. She confessed that she loves me and we were going good. The meetings used to happen only with the knowledge of my relative. One day I called her and requested for a meeting without the knowledge of my relative . There she confessed that she loves somebody else. It was shocking . I supported her and she went back to her boyfriend. I dont know what happened between them afterwards.As the time passed we married to different spouses. In 2016 she mailed me.( requesting for my number and for a meeting). We met and there she confessed that she does not love her husband. I asked about her boyfriend . She said that they are facebook friends. After that we talked quite often. We met also many times. Three years back I realised that she is still in touch with her boyfriend and they both are liking each other post and profile pics and used to talk long on whatsapp calls. When I confronted her she said that she still have feelings for each other.Lately she has started defending him and used to put status on whatsapp only where they both have good times. I can see that. I dont know how their spouses are reacting when they like each other post and pics. Myself and my wife had an arranged marriage . We are poles apart on many things. Somehow we both are managing our lives. She knew my past. What is bothering me Mam that she has only treated me as time pass. I gave her so much of my time. I Respect her. She has always used the word parallel ( for me and her boyfriend). Though she has hided me from her husband , but once I met him because she wanted that.Her boyfriend is in all her groups and social media apps like fb, insta. Kindly suggest me what should I do. Its an old feeling. Though we have moved on.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
When you have realized that she is using you as a 'Time Pass', why exactly are you still mulling over the whole issue?
Do you still want to be her 'only available person' when she chooses to connect with you?
Going weak with feelings now from 23 years back doesn't really make sense, does it?

She hasn't quite figured out who she is with or who she wants to be with. (That's what I can gather from what you have shared in your email). So, why are you putting yourself in the equation as one the one men around her?
Take yourself out of it and focus on your life and its happenings. You and your wife maybe poles apart, but that need not be a reason to be someone's 'Time Pass.'

If you say that you have moved on, then truly move on. No point wasting your time on the past and someone from the past who has little respect for you, your feelings or your time.

All the best!

..Read more

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |634 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 16, 2024

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Money
I am Sanjeev Kumar, aged 58, working with a reputed public limited company at a senior level. Our company mandates annual health check up from reputed hospitals in Delhi and I am covered under a floater medical insurance plan. I was diagnosed with Atrial fibrillation more than a couple of years ago and taking two tablets per day (one Beta blocker and one blood thinner) as a precaution as per doctor. Otherwise I am physically fit and active (I successfully run half marathon for last more than 10 years). I intend to have another medical indurance as I am approaching retirement age but insurance companies are reluctant to provide me the same. Please advise what type of medical insurance cover I should have (for self and my wife, 55 yrs) and from which companies! Is online plan okay?
Ans: Hello;

If you have a known illness of the heart unfortunately hardly any general insurance company will come forward to cover you despite other positives.

Because insurance works on probability and when they reckon that probability of claim, in future based on current information, may be high they refuse to underwrite such risks.

Since you are an employee of a public sector company, I suppose your employer may have some group mediclaim plan or coverage for the retirees as well.

Take that coverage even if you have to pay and undergo a waiting period.

Alternatively you may earmark some fixed sum 8-10 L as medical contingency fund for yourself.

For your spouse you should opt for a minimum 25 L healthcare cover from companies such as HDFC Ergo, ICICI Lombard, Bajaj Allianz, SBI General etc which do not entirely depend on healthcare insurance as the only business segment.

Best wishes;

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |634 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 12, 2024Hindi
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Money
I am 40 year old with 1.5 lac salary and 1 crore in FD. Have a 8 year old son. Currently I don't have any EMI but I wish to buy new house of 2 crore with appx loan of 1 cr and remaining 1 cr by selling current house. Also I invest 60k in mutual funds. What can I do if I wish to retire at 45 years and still be able to pay emi using swp and FD income.
Ans: Hello;

General Comments:
People nowadays get carried away by FIRE(Financial independence retire early) fads on social media and go by thumb rules provided on SM for retirement corpus calculation.

Please consult a certified financial planner or a retirement advisor who can guide you on these matters professionally.

Specific comments:
Do your math. If you retire at 45 you have 35 years in retirement considering life expectancy of 80. What corpus would you need to fund:

1. Your inflation indexed retirement income
2. Impact on retirement income due to home loan EMI.
3. Separate provision for higher education of son

If doing 3% SWP can meet your monthly income requirements post-tax it is okay but If you are increasing SWP rate beyond 3% you run the risk of eating into your corpus during periods of flat or negative returns by your fund.

Also pure equity funds for SWP in retirement are a strict NO.

Only hybrid mutual funds such as equity savings or conservative hybrid funds may be suitable with moderate risk.

If your regular expenses are 50 K today they will be 90 K in 10 years, 1.6 L in 20 years time considering modest 6% inflation.

Your 60 K monthly sip if continued for 5 years may yield you a corpus of 50 L assuming modest return of 12% from pure equity mutual funds which could be earmarked for higher education of your son.

Do you have any EPF/NPS corpus?

Please confirm.

Thanks;

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7029 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 15, 2024Hindi
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Money
Sir, I had purchased kotak premier endowment plan in 2020. SI is 2.82 lakhs and annual premium is 32k. Premium payment term is 10 yrs and maturity term is 17 yrs. After having paid premium for 4 years, i am thinking to surrender the policy as it doesn't convince me anymore with its benefits. However, after paying Rs. 1.28 lakh premium over 4 years, surrender value is coming to Rs. 82k only. Should i continue with this policy or surrender and invest the amount anywhere else. Pls advise. Thanks
Ans: You purchased the Kotak Premier Endowment Plan in 2020. This plan combines insurance with savings. The sum assured is Rs. 2.82 lakhs, and the annual premium is Rs. 32,000.

You’ve already paid Rs. 1.28 lakhs over four years. The premium payment term is 10 years, and the maturity term is 17 years. The surrender value is currently Rs. 82,000, meaning a loss of Rs. 46,000.

Now, you are contemplating whether to continue with this plan or surrender and invest elsewhere.

Evaluating Endowment Plans
Endowment plans typically offer low returns compared to other investment options.
Most endowment plans have a return rate of 4-6%.
The main benefit is insurance coverage, which is often inadequate.
By continuing with this plan, your money may not grow significantly. It also locks your funds for a long period.

Advantages of Surrendering
By surrendering, you free up Rs. 82,000.
You stop further premium payments, avoiding additional allocation to a low-return product.
You can reallocate the funds to better-performing investment options.
Drawbacks of Surrendering
You lose Rs. 46,000 from the premiums paid so far.
Early surrender often results in reduced returns.
The plan’s long-term guaranteed returns will no longer apply.
Alternative Investments
If you surrender, the next step is reinvesting wisely.

Equity Mutual Funds: Offers long-term wealth creation. These funds outperform endowment plans in the long run.
Small-Cap Funds: For higher risk appetite, this can provide superior returns.
Debt Mutual Funds: Suitable for lower risk tolerance. Ideal for stable and predictable returns.
PPF (Public Provident Fund): A safe and tax-efficient option for long-term goals.
Benefits of Actively Managed Mutual Funds
Active funds often outperform benchmarks.
Professional fund managers actively monitor market opportunities.
You benefit from diversification and risk management.
Avoid direct funds unless you’re a seasoned investor. A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) or mutual fund distributor ensures better guidance.

Why Insurance Should Be Separate
Insurance-cum-investment plans like endowment are not ideal.
Term insurance offers high coverage at low costs.
Use the money saved from premiums for pure investments.
Tax Implications
Surrendering may have tax implications. Check if your premiums qualified for Section 80C.
New gains from investments may attract taxation. For equity mutual funds, LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.
360-Degree Financial Assessment
Financial Goals: Align investments with your goals (e.g., retirement, children’s education).
Risk Appetite: Choose investments matching your comfort level with risk.
Emergency Fund: Maintain liquid funds to handle financial emergencies.
Debt Management: Clear high-interest liabilities before investing.
Portfolio Review: Balance investments between equity, debt, and fixed income.
Final Insights
The decision depends on your long-term goals. Surrendering is better if the plan does not align with your financial strategy. Reallocate wisely to maximize returns. Consult a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

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