hi Anu ji, good Afternoon!!! I am 45 and well settled.my wife loves me lot.I also love her.we have 3 childrens.we all are living a very happy life. I have a big concern that i always attract by other females.I was extra marital affair also.but now it closed.i have tried many times that it not happened.But failed to control. In morning i do morning walk,GYM and meditation .Its my daily routine to walk up at 5.30am and give self 1.30hrs.daily. All things are in control perhaps this. Please suggest what to do.

Ans:

Dear IS,

What we try and avoid, we obsess over that more.

What is the real reason for wanting a relationship outside of marriage?

It is very easy and tempting to run away from facing issues that might be plaguing your marriage and hold on to something outside. Justifications maybe many.

Have you and your wife worked out issues at an emotional level.

Sex is one element of marriage and not the only one.

Maybe she feels emotionally disconnected from you as you might feel physically disconnected from her.

Whatever it is, bringing another person into a marriage isn’t going to sort out anything.

But if you have decided that a few complications aren’t going to hurt, well that is what is leading you to obsess over wanting another woman.

Instead, can you actually think of rebuilding the marriage? Of course, the want needs to be there else it’s a pointless exercise.

It takes a lot of work and patience and calm understanding between spouses to make a marriage work. Slippages can cost a parson his/ her marriage.

So, maybe it’s time to actually list down the best qualities you see in your wife and oh, yes WHY the two of you married in the first place, This WHY can re-energize you to look at things differently and more usefully.

The fact that you want to be loyal to your wife does suggest that there is a lot of love and care still in the marriage.

Who knows, the obsessive thoughts may fade…give your marriage another chance. I am sure you know that it deserves that chance!

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Sex is not just a physical act. Learn to first connect as partners first; love, care trust...these help in intimacy.
If you are able to get all excited over other women what you are looking at is LUST and not LOVE...In your marriage, focus more on Love and intimacy will follow. Spend time together even at 44, this is a must!
Rekindling the spark in your marriage and you will have a partner who is not just welcoming but will also share your interest in sex and more...

All the best!

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You say that you don't have any big issues at home, but your wife has threatened you with legal action is not a big issue?
The reasons for it seem very clear that you continue to look for relationships outside of your marriage because your wife is not interested in sex and then you expect her to accept your lifestyle...
She does not accept it and hence has gone the legal way; should that not tell you how right from the beginning of marriage you have been the cause for it to fail?
Rather than just blaming your high testosterone levels which could have been managed, you chose the easy way out by sleeping with multiple women and you think your wife must be okay with it?
So, kindly reevaluate how much you value your wife and your marriage. If this still matters, then I am sure you will make an effort to put things back together between the two of you...As for your high testosterone levels, there are ways in which you can manage (you know for sure how) them without getting into relationships with so many women that come and complicate things for you.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
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