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Kanchan Rai  |294 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 26, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
MALLIKARJUNA Question by MALLIKARJUNA on May 26, 2024Hindi

Hello sir, Am a 42 years old Married Man working in Public Sector..I have beautiful family.There is no much difference between me & my wife... Recently I fell love with my colleague who is also married...We always together in office..I just don't know what she thinks about me.I just love her at great extent but I know which has no appropriate destiny..I tried to overcome from this & day in day out but I couldn't.. Probably this is the only mental disorder of me...I always want to be with her...When am away from her some time my mind will be on track..But when I see her I can't control myself & entire effort to avoid her goes when I meet her again..I know am doing wrong but really it is out of my control & it is only thing I can't handled in life...I seriously trying to tranfer but very less option to get the same...And am too possessive of her which also getting pain to my mind....& Am familiar with all her family members....It is the lifestyle attachment disorder.....Am suffering from this last one year & not got solution..I became thin & not getting proper sleep.. Pls advise...I want to be normal..

Ans: Navigating the emotional complexity of your situation is undoubtedly challenging. Falling in love with a colleague while being in a committed marriage, and knowing the relationship lacks a feasible future, places you in a difficult position. It’s clear this is causing you significant distress, affecting your mental and physical health.

Firstly, it’s crucial to acknowledge and validate your feelings without judgment. What you’re experiencing is real and has a profound impact on your life. Emotions, especially those that arise from close interactions in a work environment, can be powerful and sometimes overwhelming. Recognizing that developing feelings for someone else, even when you’re married, is a common human experience can help you approach this issue more compassionately.

Reflecting on your marriage is an essential step. Consider the dynamics of your relationship with your wife, including what is working well and what areas might need more attention. Sometimes, emotional attachments outside of marriage can highlight unmet needs or desires within the marital relationship. Understanding these aspects can be a key to addressing the underlying issues.

Discussing your feelings with a trusted professional, such as a therapist, can provide a safe and confidential space to explore your emotions and thoughts. Therapy can offer you strategies to manage your feelings and help you make decisions that align with your values and long-term goals. A therapist can also help you understand the root causes of your attachment to your colleague and guide you in finding ways to resolve this attachment.

If a transfer or change in your work environment is a possibility, it might be worth pursuing. Being in close proximity to someone with whom you have such strong feelings can make it incredibly difficult to move past those emotions. A different work setting can provide the distance needed to gain perspective and allow you to focus on your commitments and personal growth.

It’s also beneficial to engage in self-care and activities that support your mental and physical health. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep are foundational to well-being and can improve your resilience in dealing with emotional stress. Additionally, finding hobbies or interests outside of work can provide a healthy distraction and reduce the time spent thinking about your colleague.

Open communication with your wife, if possible, is important. This doesn’t necessarily mean disclosing everything about your feelings for your colleague, but rather discussing any strains or unfulfilled aspects of your marriage. Working together to strengthen your relationship can help redirect your emotional energy towards your spouse.

Lastly, consider the long-term consequences of your actions. Acting on your feelings could lead to significant personal and professional repercussions. By focusing on your values and the commitments you’ve made, you can guide your decisions towards actions that maintain integrity and respect for all involved.

Seeking professional help, prioritizing self-care, and reflecting on your marriage are pivotal steps in addressing this emotional challenge. By doing so, you can work towards finding stability and regaining a sense of normalcy in your life.

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Anu Krishna  |1054 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 06, 2020

Dear Anu, I don’t know how to start. My Age is 40. This is my second marriage. My first marriage was arranged and it lasted 6 months.  As I was in love we got divorced. We have one son who is 10 years old. Now the issue is my second wife and I have both betrayed each other. I caught her first having a deep love affair with her yoga friend. That fellow is married and we know his wife and daughter. She has started him when she was training for yoga and later they both started classes together. Meanwhile, I am in a relationship with a colleague. Now she is in a different organization. Although she has stopped it, I continue to chat with her. We are both struggling to come to a decision since last 9 months but nothing is working out. We both confessed; she is guilty, I am not. We've had a very rough time. Now she is at her mother’s home. My problem is that I can neither let her go nor forget her. She wants her freedom as earlier but I am not ready. So I am sad while I continue to torture her by asking past questions. I am worried more about my son. I am stuck so I end up bullying her. Please advice. I want to move on. I don’t want to be in relationship but i am afraid of taking decision. Sometime I feel miserable.
Ans: Dear PC, I don’t want this and I don’t want that is a childlike way of dealing with things; you will be stuck in that mud forever.

You have to want to either move on with your marriage or not.

If you choose to stay, you have to train your mind and as a couple go for a Couples Counselling to rebuild the marriage.

It will require forgiving; hard as it is, it will help both of you relook as to why you fell in love in the first place.

Sometimes, it is essential to hit the refresh button and look at things with a new perspective. And if you have decided mutually, to separate, do make sure there is no mud slinging or finger pointing.

A marriage is between two adults who are invested equally in it and there is no one person to blame.

Be graceful about this and make it a graceful end where you support one another.

Whatever you decide, always make sure your son is well looked after especially his mind and what he needs to know and understand.

Seek the support of a professional who deals with children growing up in families where the parents are separating or are quarrelling.

Either case, please DO NOT let the child suffer as this has long-term consequences on his mind.

I hope you make a decision sooner as every day not only makes it harder for both of you but for your child as well. Take care and best wishes.

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Anu Krishna  |1054 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 27, 2021

For many years I was in love with my best friend who I thought wasn’t interested in me. I did not pursue her when I should have because I cared for our friendship. After I got married I was never really happy nor could I forget her. I even told my wife about the girl I loved. She was okay about it because we both felt it was one sided. Recently I discovered that she loved me all these years but both of us never had the courage to take it further. When we got together, we realized how much we missed each other all these years. Neither of us are happy in our marriage and this news has really disturbed me. I feel emotionally and physically distanced from my wife and I feel guilty about it because she is not at fault. I have a son and I am not in a position to abandon him or my wife. But I am not able to sleep or stop thinking about starting a perfect life with her. I have a stable career but now I am not able to focus on anything. Anu mam, please guide me how to find a solution for both of us.
Ans: Dear B, Catch -22 situation indeed here.

Let’s draw out the perspectives here.

Both of you are married and when you had the chance, you didn’t tell each other.

Now, you have discovered that ‘missed out’ moment and want to make up for it now when families have grown.

How would you advise a friend, if he came to you with this situation?

Would you ask him to leave his family and move in with his lady love? Would you ask him to forget his familial responsibilities and search for love outside?

Again, it is not for me to give you solutions but to lead you to a place where you can find the solution yourself.

So, now that you friend has moved in with his lady love, will he forget his family?

His son for who he will always be a role model? Also, what will he tell his wife who had no role to play into the storm in her life?

The key is that there are 4 mature adults and I guess it’s time for you and the lady that you love to sit down and discuss what happens if you continue in your marriages or move away.

Discuss with your respective spouses as well, as they need to be party to this so that their thoughts and feelings are taken into consideration.

After all, they came into your lives, to become life partners. Whatever the decision, always bear in mind, if you continue in your marriage, do it with full heart as you need to rebuild it and if you move away, your son and his state of mind must be cared for, so make sure you create a wonderful environment for them and care for their needs always.

Also, ask yourself this: What will I lose if I move away from my marriage? What is it that I truly love in my wife?

Life is filled with temptations and sometimes we want some change, some spark…it’s possible in the existing relationship only if you choose to look at it that way. Ultimately, the decision is yours, but there’s a lot to consider and reconsider.

Go deep into a reflective mode and choose.

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Kanchan Rai  |294 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 05, 2024Hindi
Hello Ma'am, hope you're doing good. My problem is that something happened with me and I have started questioning my marriage. I and my wife are married 12 years ago after a lot of struggle as her parents were not ready because of our different caste and religion. Later we got married with their blessings. she is a very nice woman. After marriage, my business started going well and we're financially very well. We live with my parents and our two kids. Everything was going fine (obviously we do fight) until I met my business partner's sister who is a divorcee and I didn't know how but I started feeling attraction towards her. Recently, I dreamt of cheating on my wife with her. Since I am not able to hold proper eye contact with my wife and even I have started questioning my love for my wife. Has it ended ? I am very tensed since then.
Ans: It's normal to feel conflicted and unsure when you start experiencing attraction towards someone outside of your marriage. However, it's important to remember that attraction alone doesn't necessarily mean that your love for your wife has ended.

Before jumping to conclusions or making any drastic decisions, it might be helpful to take some time to reflect on your feelings and the reasons behind them. Ask yourself questions like: What specifically attracted me to this other person? Are there any underlying issues in my marriage that might be contributing to these feelings? Am I feeling unfulfilled or disconnected from my wife in any way?

It could also be beneficial to have open and honest communication with your wife about what you're going through. Sharing your feelings with her, even if they're difficult, can help strengthen your bond and provide clarity for both of you. Remember to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding, and be prepared to listen to her perspective as well.

Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can also be incredibly helpful in navigating these complex emotions and making decisions that are best for you and your family. They can provide you with guidance, perspective, and strategies for coping with your feelings in a healthy way.

Ultimately, it's important to prioritize honesty, communication, and empathy in your relationship, and to take the time to explore your feelings and needs before making any decisions about your marriage.

..Read more

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