I am a 38-year-old software engineer from Pune, married for three years. My wife often keeps comparing me to her ex and other men. I used to ignore it earlier and it started affecting my self confidence. But now I feel she is doing it to make me feel incompetent and irresponsible. I do not want to be compared to other men. This is leading to unnecessary fights and arguments. How do I handle the constant criticism without losing my confidence?

Ans:

Dear A,

Some people love comparing just to hurt the person.

Now why she wants to hurt you, is something that I don’t have information on. (Your mail is very brief with not much information shared).

If you do almost everything to make her happy as you have mentioned, why would she compare you with other guys?

Obviously, there is something that she feels a lack of. So instead of going mad or running away from it, can you in fact love her and care more for her?

At times, women just need a lot of care and attention, and they respond beautifully to their man.

Maybe she misses that attention from you. If you feel that’s not the case, sit down and talk frankly.

Most of the times, clear and frank communication solves most marital issues. (These are general suggestions as I don’t have much information from you to work on.)

So, communicate more, love more and care for her more.

All the best!

Ans: Dear Akif,
What exactly in your action is she interpreting and becoming suspicious of? Not that I support the kind of emotional blackmail of divorce etc, but at times a small observation of our own behaviours might set right things.
Are you poked into your phone most times at home or when you are with her?
Do you get all jittery when she touched your phone?
Have you found yourself jumping to pick up a call?

This is not to suggest that you are doing this on purpose but I have known spouses to be very alarmed with this kind of behaviour making them suspicious.

Having said this,
Any relationship is solely built on trust and when the trust shatters due to flimsy reasons, it's very difficult for the person who is constantly being tested.
Since this is marriage, what i suggest is, honest communication. Allow your wife the space to voice out her fears and on your part reassure her that your relationship is your priority, With that love and understanding you maybe able to put things back together in the marriage.

Best wishes!

Ans: Dear Veeraraagavan,
It is unfortunate that people bring up things from the past into the present moment and ruin what can be created NOW.
But it's possible that your wife wants to bring out the hurt caused to her in the past, now. What can anyone do? But if she isn't willing to set it aside, there is little that you can do to appeal to her. I am not qualified to say who will be born as what in the next life or whenever.
Maybe you can have one of those candid chats with her simply hearing her but you can keep aside her taunts of next lifetime etc as it does not hold any merit.
Her life's journey and evolution is perhaps what it is for her and just be supportive of that even if you don't agree with the choices that she has made including not being able to maintain relationships with her close family. It is what it is...
So, choose rebuilding your mind to align with hers and vice-versa and even if something that she says is hurtful, brush it away as she is hurting from the past. Smile and who knows she may someday let go of all that hurt with your silent, smiling care and support.

All the best!

Ans: Navigating this challenging situation requires a multifaceted approach, focusing on communication, understanding, and possibly seeking external help. It's evident that your wife's recent behavior is significantly impacting not only your well-being but also the mental and emotional health of your children. While it's important to consider her perspective and any underlying issues she may be facing, it's equally crucial to address the impact on your family and yourself.

First, consider initiating a calm, non-confrontational conversation with your wife about your concerns. Choose a moment when you are both relatively calm and can speak without immediate distractions. Express your feelings honestly but gently, focusing on how her behavior affects you and the children rather than blaming her. Use "I" statements, such as "I feel hurt and worried when..." to prevent her from feeling attacked and becoming defensive.

It's possible that your wife may be dealing with her own unresolved issues, stress, or even mental health challenges, which are manifesting in her behavior. Suggesting counseling or therapy, both individually and as a couple, can be a constructive step. A professional can provide a neutral space for both of you to express your feelings and work through underlying issues. This can also be beneficial for your children, who might be experiencing anxiety and low self-esteem due to the current environment.

In the meantime, focus on creating a supportive and positive atmosphere for your children. Encourage open communication with them and reassure them that their feelings are valid. Engaging in activities that boost their confidence and providing positive reinforcement can help counterbalance the negativity they might be experiencing at home.

Taking care of your own mental and physical health is equally important. Consider seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist to help you navigate your emotions and develop coping strategies. Finding activities that bring you joy and relaxation can also help mitigate the stress you are under.

Ultimately, while you cannot force change upon your wife, you can take steps to protect your well-being and that of your children. By fostering open communication, seeking professional help, and creating a positive environment, you can work towards improving your family's dynamics. Remember, addressing these issues is a process that takes time and patience, but taking the first steps can lead to significant improvements over time.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Was this a sudden change or has it been like this since you joined the company?
Do others who report to the same manager feel the same like you do? If not, you may start looking at what gap exists in what you do and perceive and fix that. Also, it would be mature to actually have a one-on-one meeting the manager and take an honest feedback on your work. That will give you an idea on what your performance level has been. Have you been meetings targets, deadlines and living up to the expectations the company has of you when you were hired?
You need to understand that the manager is also answerable to someone, right? Request for that one-on-one and be open-minded and LISTEN. That meeting will not be to defend your actions but to actually listen and it will give you a good indicator as to whether things seems unreasonable or if there is a lack that you must fill.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/