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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 16, 2024

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hi, i am 34 yrs old married for the last 4 yrs. I married a man knowing he is alcoholic. I started having second thoughts before getting married as he used to be very abusive after getting drunk and calling me and fighting for silly reasons but I din have the guts to call of the wedding. I had told him that I am not someone who is very fond of sex and I am very scared to have sex as I feel it's painful for which he was okay thinking I would change after marriage. Both of us din want to have kids. It's been 4 yrs I have not had sex Nor has he ever forced me to. Tat way he respects me is what I believe, the reason initially I used to deny was he used to drink and come home , just few days after being wed he came drunk abused me pushed me around kicked me while I was sleepin. Things escalated during lockdown he is mentally verbally abusive , emotionally not available. He has a problem with everyone around him, I have told him multiple times that we could go for counseling, he says okay at times and later abuses me for suggesting it. I have always been there for him, supported mentally , emotionally and financially. But I get nothing in return. I used to feel it's all coz of me not having sex but will having sex just solve all this? It's not like I have not gone to meet psychiatrists I have and they advised me few things and I have also told my husband that let's have sex but he tells some reason. Also, we do get physical make out and everything except for sex, it would be more like dry humping. He says when he is in a good mood that it's not about sex. He has had this abusive behaviour right from day one. Why is sex given so much importance in society much more than basic care and affection? M I at fault here? Please help me.

Ans: The sex has little to do with it; he’s happy not to have it, just like you are, else it would pose a real problem. Two words - get out. Drunk, abusive, unpleasant. And no children, so no collateral damage. And he won’t do therapy. Why are you sticking around?

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |830 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2022

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Dear mam, I am a working woman married for 14 years with two kids. Ours was a love marriage. But immediately after my marriage I noticed that my husband was over aggressive and very possessive. He wants me to be under his control all the time. Whenever I say something against his will he starts abusing me and family. He has suicidal tendencies and has attempted in the past also. When his anger gets controlled he starts conversation with a sorry. This situation will continue for a few days and after that he will start again. This has been my life for the past 14 years. Sometimes he does manhandle and indulges in forced sex. I am fed up with this nature of his. Please suggest what I can do.
Ans:

Dear S,

It’s time someone showed the man what a MAN truly is.

Do you have a close family member who can talk to him?

If NO, this is your husband. No one knows him better that you do…

Notice:

  • What actually triggers him to become aggressive and possessive?
  • What situations have led him to attempting suicide?

If there is a mental illness that we are looking at, it needs intervention ASAP.

Never be afraid to push back when you are forced into sex…It is called ‘Marital Rape’ just in case you didn’t know.

It’s not Okay and it is definitely not mandatory that a woman needs to give in to satisfy her husband’s sexual urges.

If he continues forced sex, you can approach a local NGO that supports women with domestic violence, and they can help you with the next course of action.

Do not feel obliged to put up with things that eat your soul away.

Make sure you keep your sanity intact by surrounding yourself with the best people who care and love you.

Pick up a hobby that fills you with joy; this joy can help you think with a clear mind when you step into your marriage for the day.

One step at a time, but take that STEP…You are important.

All the best!

(more)
Anu

Anu Krishna  |830 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 27, 2023

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Mam, I am married for 13 yrs and it was a love marriage. We have 2 kids. My husband is less supportive. I look after my kids, my work, home without help from him. Even when I work he does not bother to make tea or help with cooking. He would get angry and abuse physically for intimacy. For last few years he started drinking a lot and indulge in fight outside. He had 2 police cases against him. I came close to someone. I told my husband I want to separate, but instead he became abusive. I don't love him. I feel I am his sex slave just fulfilling his desire, if I won't do that he will quarrel, stop eating and harass me mentally. What should I do?
Ans: Dear P,
If a dear friend had come to you with the same problem, what would you have suggested to her?
Would you have asked her to continue with a person who's being inconsiderate?
Would you have not suggested to her that she might need to go into couples therapy?
Certainly, status quo isn't something that you would have advised her to be in especially when she's with someone who has had two police cases against him!
You are dealing with a person who has had a massive change in behavior. Did you not see these red flags earlier? No point digging the past...
Thers is no need to submit to his tantrums and give into sex. He's using it to 'tame' you and make you meek.
Seek the help of someone strong within the family to talk to him...
Move out for a few days/weeks to gain your confidence back...if this is not possible, sleep in a separate room...if he pesters you for sex, look him firmly in the eye and say NO...
Have a dear friend/family member on speed dial...
The welfare of your children's is dependent on you; so to safeguard them, you need to care about yourself first!
You are not meek, do what you would have advised your friend.
All the best!

.
(more)
Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |97 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 10, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 08, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
i had a love marriage 20 years back. we were in a relationship for 3years before that. but after marriage i realised the harsh reality. though we are in the same field, he prefers that i do all the househld work. we have two children 17 and 12 years old. he has also started neglecting his health. after work his only work is to sit on sofa , watch tv. he has gained a lot of weight, has started eating pan masala which i dislike. we also had no sex for the last four years. when confronted he always says that he is in no mood. last year i came in contact with his friend and once we had sex too. but the sad part is i dont really feel guilty about it. i have tried many times to talk to my husband about our sex life but he always ignores and put the blame on me that i have started growing old. however hard i try he is not able to have a erection, this frustrates me even more. he is very dominating at home too. what should i do ? everytime i try to think to move out of that marriage but am afraid of the society. since he is very caring in front of others. am worried about the kids too. please help what should i do? there is no use of talking to him, i have tried it many times. he is not ready to go to any councellor too.
Ans: It sounds like you are facing some serious challenges in your marriage and that you are feeling frustrated, unhappy, and trapped. It's important to remember that you are not alone and that many people find themselves in similar situations.

Here are some steps you can consider taking:

Seek support: Talk to a trusted friend or family member about your situation. Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who can provide you with support and guidance.

Take care of yourself: Make time for self-care and engage in activities that bring you joy and peace. This can help you manage stress and cope with the challenges you're facing.

Consider couples therapy: Even if your husband is not willing to attend therapy, consider seeking therapy for yourself. A therapist can help you understand your feelings and emotions and provide you with strategies for coping with the situation.

Be honest with yourself: It's important to be honest with yourself about your feelings and needs. If you are unhappy in your marriage and feel that it's unlikely to improve, it's okay to consider leaving the relationship.

Make a plan: If you decide that leaving the marriage is the best option, make a plan for how you will do so in a safe and practical manner. Consider the impact on your children and plan for their care and well-being.

Seek legal advice: If you decide to leave the marriage, consider seeking legal advice to understand your rights and responsibilities.

Remember, leaving a long-term relationship is a big decision and can be a difficult process. It's important to take the time to consider your options and seek support from trusted friends, family members, and professionals.
(more)
Anu

Anu Krishna  |830 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, i am 34 yrs old married for the last 4 yrs. I married a man knowing he is alcoholic. I had told him that I am not someone who is very fond of sex and I am very scared to have sex as I feel it's painful for which he was okay thinking I would change after marriage. Both of us din want to have kids. It's been 4 yrs I have not had sex Nor has he ever forced me to. Tat way he respects me is what I believe, the reason initially I used to deny was he used to drink and come home , just few days after being wed he came drunk abused me physically and verbally. Things escalated during lockdown he is mentally, verbally abusive , emotionally not available. He has a problem with everyone around him, I have told him multiple times that we could go for counseling, he says okay at times and later abuses me for suggesting it. I have always been there for him, supported mentally , emotionally and financially. But I get nothing in return. I used to feel it's all coz of me not having sex but will having sex just solve all this? It's not like I have not gone to meet psychiatrists I have and they advised me few things and I have also told my husband that let's have sex but he tells some reason. Also, we do get physical make out and everything except for sex. He says when he is in a good mood that it's not about sex. He has had this abusive behaviour right from day one. Why is sex given so much importance ? much more than basic care and affection? M I at fault here? Please help me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's put it all in one form...
1. You married a man who has a drinking problem
2. You feel sex is painful and believe that it is
3. You wonder if having sex can solve all your problems
4. You want to know if basic care and affection can override sex
Who is at fault must not be your question but rather ask what can be done here to rebuild the marriage?
Firstly, if you husband has a drinking issue, why has this not been treated? Instead the focus is on sex and no sex...
Sure, sex is a part of any marriage and it certainly can help couples bond together in a better way. But is it the only thing to save a marriage? NO!
But it's possible that sex may help your husband communicate better with you at an emotional level as well. You see, physical and emotional bonding go hand in hand. And wherever you got the idea that sex is painful needs to worked upon. Honestly, you are missing out on a beautiful element within marriage.
Kindly seek professional help for yourself on this, your husband for his drinking issue and it will help going for couples therapy. Do what needs to be done to put your marriage back together. Long journey, if you feel this can actually help and that you want that help...

All the best!
(more)
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 18, 2023Hindi
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getting pension of 92 k monthly and corpus of around 2cr . Exhausted maximum scss , MIS and annuity of 25 L . Iam very apprehensive of equity. How to go about my further investment with safe returns which still meets inflation all along. No debts and spouse pension around 70 k . Monthly average expenses currently one lakh. Life expectancy in family around 80 plus .
Ans: Given your risk aversion and focus on preserving capital while beating inflation, here's a suggested approach for further investments:

Fixed-Income Investments: Since you're apprehensive about equity, focus on fixed-income investments such as high-quality bonds, corporate deposits, or fixed deposits from reputable institutions. These investments provide stable returns and capital preservation, albeit with lower potential for growth compared to equity.
Government Schemes: Explore other government-backed schemes like the Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS), Pradhan Mantri Vaya Vandana Yojana (PMVVY), or Post Office Monthly Income Scheme (MIS). These schemes offer attractive interest rates and safety of capital, providing a reliable income stream.
Debt Mutual Funds: Consider investing a portion of your corpus in debt mutual funds, particularly those with a focus on high-quality bonds and low-risk securities. Opt for funds with a track record of stability and consistent returns, aligning with your risk tolerance and investment objectives.
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): To meet your monthly expenses while preserving capital, consider setting up a systematic withdrawal plan from your investment portfolio. This allows you to withdraw a fixed amount regularly, ensuring a steady income stream while maintaining the principal amount.
Diversification: Even within fixed-income investments, diversify across different asset classes and investment vehicles to spread risk and optimize returns. Review and adjust your investment portfolio periodically to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance.
Consulting with a Certified Financial Planner can provide personalized guidance tailored to your specific financial situation and goals. Together, you can create a comprehensive investment plan that meets your income needs, preserves capital, and safeguards your financial future.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 18, 2023Hindi
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Money
Hi, I am 40 year old with my wife and 3yr old son. I have already invested 780000 in various mfs and currently sip of 29000 pm. Also I am investing 20000 per year in ppf. I have invested 18 units in SGB as of now. I want to retire at age of 52 year. My current expense is 35000 pm. Please suggest me for my retirement goal.
Ans: Based on the information you've provided, you seem to be on a good track for retirement planning. Here's a breakdown to help you analyze your current situation and suggest some improvements for your retirement goals:

Current Scenario Analysis:

Investments:
Total Invested Amount: ?7,80,000 (lump sum)
Monthly SIP: ?29,000
PPF Investment: ?20,000 per year (approx. ?1667 per month)
SGB Investment: 18 units (total investment amount not available)
Retirement Age: 52 years (12 years from now)
Monthly Expenses: ?35,000
Points to Consider:

Investment Horizon: 12 years is a good timeframe for investments to grow for your retirement.
Diversification: While details of your mutual funds are not available, aim for a diversified portfolio across asset classes (equity, debt) to manage risk.
Inflation: Inflation can erode the purchasing power of your money over time. Factor in inflation when calculating your retirement corpus.
Retirement Lifestyle: Consider the lifestyle you desire in retirement and estimate the monthly expenses you might have.
Suggestions for Improvement:

Calculate Required Corpus: Use online retirement calculators or consult a financial advisor to estimate the total corpus you'll need based on your desired retirement lifestyle and expected inflation.
Review your SIP: Analyze your existing SIPs and their performance. You can consider increasing the SIP amount gradually as your income grows to reach your target corpus.
Asset Allocation: Ensure your mutual fund portfolio has an appropriate asset allocation based on your risk tolerance and remaining investment horizon. You might need to adjust the mix of equity and debt funds closer to retirement for more stability.
NPS (National Pension System): Consider exploring NPS, which offers tax benefits and a structured approach to retirement savings. However, the investment has a lock-in period until retirement with some exceptions.
Health Insurance: Having adequate health insurance coverage is crucial, especially as medical expenses tend to rise with age. Ensure you and your family have a comprehensive health insurance plan.
Here are some resources that can help you with retirement planning:

Retirement Calculators: Many online financial institutions and investment platforms offer retirement calculators.
SEBI (Securities and Exchange Board of India) - Investor Education on Retirement Planning: [invalid URL removed]
PFRDA (Pension Fund Regulatory and Development Authority) - NPS Website: https://www.pfrda.org.in/
Remember:

This is a general overview, and consulting a qualified financial advisor can provide personalized guidance based on your specific circumstances, risk tolerance, and financial goals.
Regularly review your investment portfolio and adjust your strategy as needed based on market conditions and your evolving needs.
By continuing with your current investments, exploring additional options, and carefully planning, you can increase your chances of achieving a comfortable and secure retirement.
(more)
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

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Money
Sir, I am investing in mutual funds for my kid higher education. Amount needed after 15 years is 1.0 crore. I am investing 4000 rs each in the following schemes. 1. Kotak emerging equity 2. Axis Value fund 3. Parag parikh flexi cap 4. ICICI US Bluechip fund Please suggest should I continue with these. Will the US fund will eat away my capital gains?
Ans: Continuing with your current investment approach for your child's education is a proactive step. However, let's review your fund selection:

Kotak Emerging Equity: Offers growth potential by investing in emerging companies. Review its performance and consistency to ensure it aligns with your investment goals.
Axis Value Fund: Focuses on value investing principles. Evaluate its track record and potential for long-term growth.
Parag Parikh Flexi Cap: Known for its diversified approach across market segments. Assess its performance and consistency over time.
ICICI US Bluechip Fund: Invests in blue-chip US companies. While it offers exposure to international markets, consider its currency risk and tax implications.
Regarding the ICICI US Bluechip Fund, investing in international funds can provide diversification but may also entail currency and tax implications. Capital gains from international funds are subject to capital gains tax in India, similar to domestic funds. However, currency fluctuations can impact returns.

Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner to evaluate the impact of international investing on your portfolio and whether it aligns with your risk tolerance and investment objectives. Additionally, review the performance and potential risks of each fund regularly to ensure they remain suitable for your child's education goal.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |968 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 18, 2023Hindi
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Money
I have two daughters and their age is 16 and 15 and i own 50 lakhs bank FD , 9 lakhs invested in MF me and my wife have invest 60 lakhs in share market and my age 51 year old. Can you plz suggest the best option for investment . for my future education of two kids and my and my wife upcoming old age( My family ) i have 3 lakhs mediclaim and have few LIC policies. I request you to give me the best advice or suggest the best investment for my growth of money and as a monthly income ( Home expenses ) plz reply
Ans: Given your family's financial situation and goals, it's crucial to create a comprehensive investment plan that considers both growth and stability. Here's a suggested approach:

Education Fund for Daughters: Since your daughters are nearing college age, consider setting aside a portion of your investments specifically for their education expenses. You may allocate a portion of your bank FDs and MF investments towards this goal, ensuring it grows over time to meet their educational needs.
Retirement Planning: As you and your wife approach retirement, it's essential to prioritize building a sufficient corpus to support your lifestyle in old age. Consider diversifying your investment portfolio to include a mix of equity, debt, and balanced funds, along with retirement-focused instruments like the National Pension System (NPS) or Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS).
Health and Insurance: Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage for your family's medical needs. Additionally, review your existing LIC policies to ensure they align with your current financial goals and provide adequate coverage for your family's future needs.
Monthly Income: To generate regular income for your household expenses during retirement, consider investing in dividend-paying stocks, mutual funds with dividend options, or fixed income instruments like Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS) or Post Office Monthly Income Scheme (POMIS).
Regular Review and Adjustment: Regularly review your investment portfolio to track its performance, make necessary adjustments, and ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance.
Consulting with a Certified Financial Planner can provide personalized guidance tailored to your family's specific financial situation and goals. Together, you can create a customized investment plan that addresses your needs for growth, income, and financial security.
(more)
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