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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 20, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Syed Question by Syed on Jul 19, 2024Hindi
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Money

Thank you very much Sir for your valuable suggestions. I am stepping up my SIPS in every 6 months. My mutual fund portfolio is combined with Quant Small cap/2k, Nippon India Small cap/2k, Motilal Oswal midcap fund/1.5k, Nippon India large cap fund/1.5k, Parag Parakh Flexi cap fund/2k, Nippon India IT index fund/1k. Sir please suggest if it is alright. You have told about Debt fund. Which Debt fund is best for investment right now. Should I exit IT index fund? I would love to hear from you Sir.Thank you.

Ans: You are stepping up your SIPs every six months, which is excellent. Here's a look at your current portfolio:

Quant Small Cap Fund: Rs. 2,000
Nippon India Small Cap Fund: Rs. 2,000
Motilal Oswal Midcap Fund: Rs. 1,500
Nippon India Large Cap Fund: Rs. 1,500
Parag Parikh Flexi Cap Fund: Rs. 2,000
Nippon India IT Index Fund: Rs. 1,000
Portfolio Assessment
1. Diversification:

Your portfolio is well-diversified across small, mid, and large-cap funds. This is good for risk management.

2. IT Index Fund:

IT sector-specific funds can be volatile. Consider exiting the IT index fund. Redirect this amount to a more diversified or balanced fund.

Adding Debt Funds
1. Stability:

Debt funds provide stability to your portfolio. They are less volatile compared to equity funds.

2. Recommended Debt Funds:

Choose debt funds with a good track record and lower expense ratio. Look for funds investing in high-quality debt securities.

Final Suggestions
1. Exit IT Index Fund:

Reallocate the Rs. 1,000 from the IT index fund to a debt fund.

2. Add a Debt Fund:

Invest Rs. 1,000 in a suitable debt fund to balance your portfolio.

3. Continue Stepping Up SIPs:

Your strategy of stepping up SIPs every six months is commendable. It will help you reach your financial goals faster.


Your diversified approach is good, but exiting the IT index fund for a debt fund will add stability. Keep stepping up your SIPs and monitor your portfolio regularly for the best results.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 19, 2024Hindi
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Hello Sanjeev Sir, Hope you are in good health. I hve just started my investment through SIP in mutual fund . Would you plz advice me on my portfolio. Every month i invest 12k in the below funds . Canara Robeco small cap fund reg Edelweiss mid cap fund reg Hdfc focused 30 fund PGIM India mid cap opp fund SBI Contra fund Sundaram services fund . I have also recentky added Quant small cap fund growth regular plan SIP OF 3K . I want to invest another 10k in sip format plz suggest where should i invest.
Ans: It's fantastic to hear that you're diving into the world of investing through mutual funds. Let's discuss your portfolio and future investments.

Your current selection of funds shows a thoughtful approach to diversification across different segments of the market.

Adding a small-cap fund to your portfolio enhances diversification and potential for higher returns over the long term.

For your additional 10k investment, let's explore options that complement your existing holdings and align with your goals.

Large-cap funds offer stability and are ideal for investors seeking steady returns with lower risk.
Multi-cap funds provide flexibility across market segments, allowing you to capitalize on various opportunities.
It's important to consider your risk tolerance and investment horizon when selecting new funds for your portfolio.

Pls, consult a Certified Financial Planner to guide you every step of the way.

Remember, investing is a journey, and it's normal to have questions and uncertainties along the path.

Stay focused on your goals, and don't hesitate to reach out if you need assistance or advice.

With diligence and patience, you're on track to achieve your financial aspirations.

Keep up the excellent work, and remember that each investment you make brings you closer to your dreams.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 27, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir I am 36 yr Government employee, currently doing SIP of ?30,000 per month in MF with step up 10% and ?15,000 per month in EPF. Please review my portfolio. My MF portfolio today is 4 lakhs. My aim is long term for 15 years. My SIP details are:- 1. Navi Nifty Fifty Index Fund -3000 2. ICICI Multi Asset -4000 3. Edelweiss Aggressive Hybrid- 5000 4. Mahindra Multicap -4000 5. Quant Small Cap - 5000 6. SBI Contra- 5000 7. MO Nasdaq 100 FoF-3000 8. HDFC Midcap Index -5000 I also want to increase my SIP to 40000 per month please suggest any additional fund or in same funds. Thank you
Ans: Your current SIPs show a diversified approach, balancing large, mid, and small-cap exposure. Your mix of hybrid, multi-asset, and thematic funds reflects an attempt to achieve both growth and stability. However, we can optimise your portfolio for better alignment with your 15-year goal. Below is a detailed analysis and recommendation:

Key Observations
Index Funds Allocation:
You are currently investing in two index funds (Navi Nifty Fifty and HDFC Midcap). While index funds are low-cost, they may underperform actively managed funds during volatile markets. Actively managed funds, guided by experts, offer flexibility to capture alpha. You may reconsider your index exposure for more dynamic options.

Sector and Thematic Exposure:
Your allocation to Nasdaq 100 Fund of Fund introduces currency and tech-sector risk. While this adds international diversification, ensure it aligns with your risk tolerance. Over-reliance on a single sector could increase portfolio volatility.

Aggressive Small-Cap Exposure:
A Rs. 5,000 SIP in Quant Small Cap Fund indicates a focus on high-growth potential. Small-cap funds can deliver significant returns but carry higher risk. Given your long-term horizon, such funds can fit your plan but should be closely monitored.

SIP Step-Up Strategy:
Increasing your SIPs annually by 10% is an excellent strategy to beat inflation and accumulate a larger corpus over time. This disciplined approach will help in achieving your financial goal smoothly.

Recommended Adjustments
Consolidate Index Exposure:
Consider shifting from index funds to actively managed large-cap and mid-cap funds. This will allow professional fund managers to capture growth opportunities, especially during market corrections.

Balance International Allocation:
Instead of over-investing in a tech-heavy fund like Nasdaq 100, explore diversified global equity funds that invest across multiple sectors and regions. This will lower concentration risk.

Increase Hybrid Fund Allocation:
Hybrid funds provide a blend of equity and debt. Increasing your hybrid fund allocation slightly could add stability to your portfolio, ensuring smoother returns during volatile phases.

Review Contra Fund Exposure:
SBI Contra follows a contrarian strategy, which may take time to deliver results. It is good for diversification but should not form a large portion of the portfolio. You could reduce allocation here if needed and channel it to a balanced advantage fund for consistent returns.

Suggested Funds and Allocation Strategy
Large Cap and Mid Cap Funds:
Allocate more to actively managed large and mid-cap funds for better long-term performance. Aim for at least 50% of your total SIP in such funds.

Hybrid and Multi-Asset Funds:
Increase allocation to multi-asset and aggressive hybrid funds to ensure stability. Hybrid funds can cushion your portfolio during market downturns.

Balanced Advantage Fund (BAF):
Adding a BAF would be a prudent choice. It dynamically shifts between equity and debt based on market conditions, reducing risk.

Additional Global Fund:
Replace some exposure from Nasdaq 100 with a more diversified global fund for better stability.

Suggested New Allocation for Rs. 40,000 SIP
Large-Cap/Multi-Cap Fund: Rs. 10,000
Mid-Cap Fund: Rs. 7,500
Aggressive Hybrid Fund: Rs. 7,500
Balanced Advantage Fund: Rs. 7,500
Small-Cap Fund: Rs. 5,000
Global Equity Fund: Rs. 2,500
This allocation balances growth, stability, and diversification, ensuring better alignment with your long-term goals.

EPF Contributions – A Strong Foundation
Your EPF contribution of Rs. 15,000 per month is a strong backbone for your retirement. EPF offers guaranteed returns with tax benefits, making it an excellent low-risk investment. Continue your EPF contributions, as it complements your mutual fund portfolio with stable returns.

Long-Term Tax Impact
Keep in mind that capital gains from mutual funds are subject to taxation. Equity gains above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains attract 20% tax. Plan your redemptions carefully to optimise your tax liability over the years.

Final Insights
With the right mix of funds and a disciplined approach, your long-term goal of wealth creation is achievable. Monitor your portfolio regularly and adjust your allocations as required. Continue with the SIP step-up strategy, as it will help you stay ahead of inflation. Lastly, ensure you have adequate insurance coverage to safeguard your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 02, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 28, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir I am 36 yr Government employee, currently doing SIP of ?30,000 per month in MF with step up 10% and ?15,000 per month in EPF. Please review my portfolio. My MF portfolio today is 4 lakhs. My aim is long term for 15 years. My SIP details are:- 1. Navi Nifty Fifty Index Fund -3000 2. ICICI Multi Asset -4000 3. Edelweiss Aggressive Hybrid- 5000 4. Mahindra Multicap -4000 5. Quant Small Cap - 5000 6. SBI Contra- 5000 7. MO Nasdaq 100 FoF-3000 8. HDFC Midcap Index -5000 I also want to increase my SIP to 40000 per month please suggest any additional fund or in same funds. Please evalutate my funds and advise me on any changes in the funds. Thank you
Ans: Your portfolio has a mix of asset classes: large-cap, multi-asset, hybrid, multi-cap, small-cap, and sectoral funds. This blend gives you broad exposure across equity categories, aiming for balanced risk and return. Given your long-term horizon of 15 years, it’s great that you're invested in equity mutual funds as they are ideal for wealth creation over the long term.

General Recommendations on Index and Direct Funds

A notable aspect is your investment in index funds like Navi Nifty Fifty Index and HDFC Midcap Index. While index funds are low-cost, they only match the market returns and lack the flexibility to outperform in volatile markets. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, allow expert fund managers to tap into growth opportunities and better navigate market fluctuations, potentially boosting your returns.

Direct funds can seem attractive because of lower fees. However, managing them requires knowledge and time. By investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) and Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD), you gain guidance on fund selection and market dynamics. This approach saves time, reduces mistakes, and improves returns.

Review of Individual Funds in Your Portfolio

Navi Nifty Fifty Index Fund: This index fund merely tracks the Nifty 50, offering market-average returns. Shifting to an actively managed large-cap fund could enhance your returns with expert management.

ICICI Multi-Asset: Multi-asset funds offer stability by diversifying across equity, debt, and gold. It's a good choice for balanced growth, particularly in volatile times.

Edelweiss Aggressive Hybrid: This fund combines equity and debt, balancing risk and reward. Hybrid funds can be beneficial as they stabilize returns when equity markets are turbulent.

Mahindra Multicap: Multicap funds are excellent for broad market exposure. They balance investments across large, mid, and small-cap segments, aligning well with long-term wealth creation.

Quant Small Cap: Small-cap funds have high growth potential but come with greater risk. Over 15 years, they can add significant value, yet monitoring their performance is crucial.

SBI Contra: Contra funds invest based on contrarian strategies. They can perform well over the long term but may face extended periods of underperformance.

MO Nasdaq 100 FoF: International funds like Nasdaq 100 FoF offer exposure to the global tech market. However, they add currency risk and can be volatile. It’s a good addition but in moderation.

HDFC Midcap Index: Midcap index funds are riskier and don’t actively manage mid-cap volatility. You could consider an actively managed mid-cap fund for potentially higher returns.

Suggested Changes and Additional Investments

To further diversify, consider these refinements:

Replace Index Funds with Actively Managed Funds: Shifting from index to actively managed large and mid-cap funds could deliver higher growth. Actively managed funds allow seasoned managers to pick high-potential stocks.

Add a Balanced Large & Midcap Fund: A well-chosen large and midcap fund balances stability and growth. It provides exposure to the market's more reliable companies while capturing growth from mid-sized companies.

Consider Adding a Flexicap Fund: Flexicap funds give fund managers the flexibility to invest across market capitalizations based on market trends. They can maximize returns by adjusting allocations as per market conditions.

Increasing SIP to Rs. 40,000 Monthly

With your current SIP of Rs. 30,000 and plans to increase it to Rs. 40,000, it’s wise to allocate the extra Rs. 10,000 strategically across high-growth potential funds.

Allocate More to Multicap and Flexicap Funds: You can increase your investment in multicap and flexicap categories as they provide broader diversification and capitalize on all market segments.

Increase Allocation in Small Cap for High Growth: Since small caps generally perform well over long horizons, a small increase here can boost your portfolio returns. However, due to higher risk, limit your allocation to a balanced level.

Long-Term Tax Planning Considerations

Be mindful of capital gains tax implications:

Equity Funds: Long-term capital gains (LTCG) over Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%. This tax structure affects your returns over time. Hence, a well-planned withdrawal strategy post-15 years can optimize tax savings.

Debt Allocation: If you invest in debt funds in the future, LTCG and STCG taxes will be as per your income tax slab. Long-term planning here ensures minimal tax impact on overall gains.

Key Insights for Your Long-Term Strategy

Stay Invested and Maintain Discipline: Sticking to your SIPs, especially with the step-up feature, accelerates wealth creation. The 10% annual SIP step-up will significantly enhance your investment corpus over 15 years.

Regular Reviews: Every 2–3 years, revisit your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner. This helps adjust to market changes, optimize asset allocation, and maintain growth.

Avoid Over-Concentration: Monitor your investments to avoid too much exposure in one category. Your diversified approach already reduces risk, but regular rebalancing ensures balanced exposure across categories.

Goal-Based Withdrawals: As you approach the 15-year mark, plan withdrawals gradually, considering both market conditions and tax efficiency. Redeeming in a phased manner avoids sudden tax burdens and market timing risks.

Final Insights

Your portfolio has a solid foundation for long-term growth. Adjusting allocations to reduce index funds and enhance active fund exposure will refine your strategy. With discipline, regular portfolio reviews, and smart fund selection, you can expect significant wealth creation over 15 years.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 27, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
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I am 66 years old and retired and have one daughter married and well settled and has 2 children aged 5 years son and 3 years daughter. I have no liabilities and have a family income of Rs.3 lakhs per month thru rental. My monthly expenses is Rs 50 K per month and annual payments of medical, vehicle and property tax is Rs.3.25 Lakhs. I have direct equity invested around 1.2 CR and Invested in PMS now valued at Rs.85 Lakhs. I have plot valued at 1.6 CR and 2 independent house valued at 3cr. I have a commercial property which gives me above rental is valued at Rs.5 CR. Now kindly advise me how i should investment my earnings which will help my daughter and 2 grand children for for their future education. My above income is after paying the taxes to the government. I lead a simple life and travel every year 2 times.
Ans: Your financial position is strong with no liabilities.

Monthly rental income of Rs. 3 lakhs covers your expenses and lifestyle.

Monthly expenses of Rs. 50,000 and annual expenses of Rs. 3.25 lakhs leave ample surplus.

You have diversified assets, including equity (Rs. 1.2 crore), PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs), real estate (Rs. 9.6 crore), and regular rental income.

You lead a simple life, which allows significant potential for wealth accumulation and legacy planning.

Investment Goals
Your primary focus is to:

Ensure financial security for your family.

Support your daughter and grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Maintain sufficient liquidity for personal travel and unexpected medical costs.

Recommendations for Asset Allocation
1. Equity Investments
Your current direct equity portfolio (Rs. 1.2 crore) and PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs) are commendable.

Direct equity requires active tracking and expertise.

Shift part of your direct equity to regular mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner.

Regular funds offer professional management and long-term growth.

Retain PMS if it meets your return expectations and aligns with your risk appetite.

2. Emergency Fund
Allocate 6–12 months of expenses to liquid funds.

This ensures liquidity for unexpected expenses or emergencies.

Investments for Daughter and Grandchildren
1. Education Fund for Grandchildren
Start investing in child-focused mutual funds for their education.

Choose regular funds through an experienced Certified Financial Planner.

These funds offer professional management and goal-based growth.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in equity funds can help accumulate the required corpus.

2. Legacy Fund
Invest in diversified mutual funds for wealth creation.

Choose a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and balanced advantage funds.

This portfolio can grow steadily while preserving wealth.

Real Estate Diversification
Avoid further investments in real estate.

Real estate is illiquid and challenging to manage during retirement.

Liquidate one property if diversification is needed.

Use the proceeds to invest in mutual funds or bonds.

Fixed Income Options
Consider investing in corporate bonds or debentures for steady income.

Choose bonds rated “AAA” for safety.

Avoid annuities as they provide low returns and limited flexibility.

Tax-Efficient Planning
Review tax-saving strategies with a Certified Financial Planner.

Equity investments (LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%) are tax-efficient.

Ensure proper tax documentation for real estate and rental income.

Track PMS returns and tax implications yearly.

Liquidity and Annual Expenses
Set aside Rs. 25–30 lakhs in a liquid fund.

This covers your annual travel, property taxes, and medical expenses.

Keep medical insurance for yourself and your family updated.

Succession and Estate Planning
Create a will to ensure smooth asset transfer.

Include clear instructions for property distribution.

Discuss creating a trust for your grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Travel and Lifestyle Funding
Use rental income surplus to fund annual travel.

Avoid withdrawing from long-term investments for discretionary expenses.

Final Insights
You have built a strong financial foundation.

Focus on simplifying investments for better management.

Diversify and invest in professionally managed mutual funds.

Plan for family needs with a balanced approach to risk and growth.

Regularly review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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