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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 02, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 28, 2024Hindi
Money

Hello Sir I am 36 yr Government employee, currently doing SIP of ?30,000 per month in MF with step up 10% and ?15,000 per month in EPF. Please review my portfolio. My MF portfolio today is 4 lakhs. My aim is long term for 15 years. My SIP details are:- 1. Navi Nifty Fifty Index Fund -3000 2. ICICI Multi Asset -4000 3. Edelweiss Aggressive Hybrid- 5000 4. Mahindra Multicap -4000 5. Quant Small Cap - 5000 6. SBI Contra- 5000 7. MO Nasdaq 100 FoF-3000 8. HDFC Midcap Index -5000 I also want to increase my SIP to 40000 per month please suggest any additional fund or in same funds. Please evalutate my funds and advise me on any changes in the funds. Thank you

Ans: Your portfolio has a mix of asset classes: large-cap, multi-asset, hybrid, multi-cap, small-cap, and sectoral funds. This blend gives you broad exposure across equity categories, aiming for balanced risk and return. Given your long-term horizon of 15 years, it’s great that you're invested in equity mutual funds as they are ideal for wealth creation over the long term.

General Recommendations on Index and Direct Funds

A notable aspect is your investment in index funds like Navi Nifty Fifty Index and HDFC Midcap Index. While index funds are low-cost, they only match the market returns and lack the flexibility to outperform in volatile markets. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, allow expert fund managers to tap into growth opportunities and better navigate market fluctuations, potentially boosting your returns.

Direct funds can seem attractive because of lower fees. However, managing them requires knowledge and time. By investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) and Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD), you gain guidance on fund selection and market dynamics. This approach saves time, reduces mistakes, and improves returns.

Review of Individual Funds in Your Portfolio

Navi Nifty Fifty Index Fund: This index fund merely tracks the Nifty 50, offering market-average returns. Shifting to an actively managed large-cap fund could enhance your returns with expert management.

ICICI Multi-Asset: Multi-asset funds offer stability by diversifying across equity, debt, and gold. It's a good choice for balanced growth, particularly in volatile times.

Edelweiss Aggressive Hybrid: This fund combines equity and debt, balancing risk and reward. Hybrid funds can be beneficial as they stabilize returns when equity markets are turbulent.

Mahindra Multicap: Multicap funds are excellent for broad market exposure. They balance investments across large, mid, and small-cap segments, aligning well with long-term wealth creation.

Quant Small Cap: Small-cap funds have high growth potential but come with greater risk. Over 15 years, they can add significant value, yet monitoring their performance is crucial.

SBI Contra: Contra funds invest based on contrarian strategies. They can perform well over the long term but may face extended periods of underperformance.

MO Nasdaq 100 FoF: International funds like Nasdaq 100 FoF offer exposure to the global tech market. However, they add currency risk and can be volatile. It’s a good addition but in moderation.

HDFC Midcap Index: Midcap index funds are riskier and don’t actively manage mid-cap volatility. You could consider an actively managed mid-cap fund for potentially higher returns.

Suggested Changes and Additional Investments

To further diversify, consider these refinements:

Replace Index Funds with Actively Managed Funds: Shifting from index to actively managed large and mid-cap funds could deliver higher growth. Actively managed funds allow seasoned managers to pick high-potential stocks.

Add a Balanced Large & Midcap Fund: A well-chosen large and midcap fund balances stability and growth. It provides exposure to the market's more reliable companies while capturing growth from mid-sized companies.

Consider Adding a Flexicap Fund: Flexicap funds give fund managers the flexibility to invest across market capitalizations based on market trends. They can maximize returns by adjusting allocations as per market conditions.

Increasing SIP to Rs. 40,000 Monthly

With your current SIP of Rs. 30,000 and plans to increase it to Rs. 40,000, it’s wise to allocate the extra Rs. 10,000 strategically across high-growth potential funds.

Allocate More to Multicap and Flexicap Funds: You can increase your investment in multicap and flexicap categories as they provide broader diversification and capitalize on all market segments.

Increase Allocation in Small Cap for High Growth: Since small caps generally perform well over long horizons, a small increase here can boost your portfolio returns. However, due to higher risk, limit your allocation to a balanced level.

Long-Term Tax Planning Considerations

Be mindful of capital gains tax implications:

Equity Funds: Long-term capital gains (LTCG) over Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%. This tax structure affects your returns over time. Hence, a well-planned withdrawal strategy post-15 years can optimize tax savings.

Debt Allocation: If you invest in debt funds in the future, LTCG and STCG taxes will be as per your income tax slab. Long-term planning here ensures minimal tax impact on overall gains.

Key Insights for Your Long-Term Strategy

Stay Invested and Maintain Discipline: Sticking to your SIPs, especially with the step-up feature, accelerates wealth creation. The 10% annual SIP step-up will significantly enhance your investment corpus over 15 years.

Regular Reviews: Every 2–3 years, revisit your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner. This helps adjust to market changes, optimize asset allocation, and maintain growth.

Avoid Over-Concentration: Monitor your investments to avoid too much exposure in one category. Your diversified approach already reduces risk, but regular rebalancing ensures balanced exposure across categories.

Goal-Based Withdrawals: As you approach the 15-year mark, plan withdrawals gradually, considering both market conditions and tax efficiency. Redeeming in a phased manner avoids sudden tax burdens and market timing risks.

Final Insights

Your portfolio has a solid foundation for long-term growth. Adjusting allocations to reduce index funds and enhance active fund exposure will refine your strategy. With discipline, regular portfolio reviews, and smart fund selection, you can expect significant wealth creation over 15 years.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 18, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir!! I am a 38 yrs old govt servant. My monthly in hand income is 1.2 lakhs. My MF investments (all direct growth option) through SIPs are as follows: 1. ?10000/- in SBI multi asset allocation fund (for short term goals) 2. ?5000/- in ICICI prudential fund (long term goal) 3. ?5000/- in HDFC index fund (long term goal) 4. ?3000/- in HDFC hybrid equity fund (long term goal) Kindly advise me if I can continue with the current allocation or if I need to make some changes in my SIP portfolio. Also, I want to add ?20000/- in my monthly SIPs for long term goals bringing my total monthly investment to ?45000/- in MFs. Please suggest some equity mutual funds where I can invest. I have a moderate risk appetite.
Ans: It's wonderful to see you investing systematically and planning for the future. Your current SIP portfolio looks good, but let's analyze it in detail and suggest some changes and additions for your long-term goals.

Evaluating Your Current SIP Portfolio
You have a diversified SIP portfolio with a monthly investment of Rs. 23,000:

SBI Multi Asset Allocation Fund: Rs. 10,000 for short-term goals.
ICICI Prudential Fund: Rs. 5,000 for long-term goals.
HDFC Index Fund: Rs. 5,000 for long-term goals.
HDFC Hybrid Equity Fund: Rs. 3,000 for long-term goals.
Each fund type has its own strengths and weaknesses. Let’s dive deeper.

Multi Asset Allocation Fund
SBI Multi Asset Allocation Fund: Multi asset funds invest in a mix of equities, debt, and other asset classes like gold. They provide diversification and reduce risk.
For short-term goals, this fund is suitable due to its balanced approach.

Long-Term Goals Funds
ICICI Prudential Fund: This is a good choice for long-term investment due to its diversified equity portfolio.
HDFC Index Fund: Index funds track market indices and have lower management costs. They can be good, but actively managed funds may outperform them.
HDFC Hybrid Equity Fund: Hybrid funds invest in both equity and debt, offering a balanced risk-return profile. Suitable for moderate risk appetite.
Adding Rs. 20,000 to SIPs for Long-Term Goals
Since you plan to add Rs. 20,000 monthly to your SIPs, here are some suggestions for equity mutual funds:

Large Cap Fund: Invest Rs. 7,000 in a large-cap fund for stability and steady returns. Large-cap funds invest in well-established companies.

Mid Cap Fund: Invest Rs. 5,000 in a mid-cap fund for higher growth potential. Mid-cap funds can offer better returns with moderate risk.

Small Cap Fund: Invest Rs. 4,000 in a small-cap fund for high growth potential. Small-cap funds are riskier but can deliver substantial returns over the long term.

Multi Cap Fund: Invest Rs. 4,000 in a multi-cap fund to diversify across large, mid, and small-cap stocks. Multi-cap funds provide a good mix of stability and growth.

Diversification and Risk Management
Diversification is key to managing risk and maximizing returns. Your current portfolio is diversified, but adding more equity funds will enhance it further.

Equity Allocation
Large Cap: Focus on stability with consistent performers.
Mid Cap: Target higher returns with moderate risk.
Small Cap: Aim for substantial growth with higher risk.
Multi Cap: Achieve a balanced risk-return profile with diversified investments.
Sector Diversification
Investing across different sectors can reduce sector-specific risks. Ensure your funds cover a variety of sectors like technology, finance, healthcare, and consumer goods.

Avoiding Index Funds
You have an index fund, but let’s discuss its limitations.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Passive Management: Index funds simply replicate the market index, missing out on active opportunities.
Market Limitations: They can’t outperform the market, only match it.
Limited Flexibility: They can’t adjust quickly to market changes.
Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Active Strategy: Fund managers actively select stocks to outperform the market.
Research Driven: Decisions are based on in-depth research and analysis.
Flexibility: Managers can adjust portfolios based on market conditions.
Consider replacing your HDFC Index Fund with an actively managed fund to potentially achieve better returns.

Direct Funds vs. Regular Funds
You are investing in direct funds, which means no distributor commissions. However, let’s discuss the benefits of regular funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP).

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Self-Management: Requires continuous monitoring and management.
Lack of Guidance: No professional advice on fund selection and portfolio balancing.
Time-Consuming: Requires time and effort to stay updated with market trends.
Benefits of Regular Funds with CFP
Professional Guidance: CFPs provide expert advice tailored to your financial goals.
Portfolio Management: Regular monitoring and adjustments by professionals.
Comprehensive Planning: CFPs offer holistic financial planning, including insurance, tax planning, and retirement planning.
Consider consulting a CFP to switch to regular funds for better management and guidance.

Financial Planning Beyond Mutual Funds
Apart from mutual funds, ensure a comprehensive financial plan for long-term security.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses. This fund provides liquidity during unforeseen circumstances and avoids the need to liquidate investments.

Health Insurance
Health insurance is crucial to cover medical emergencies without affecting your savings. Choose a comprehensive health plan for adequate coverage.

Term Insurance
Term insurance provides financial security to your family in your absence. Opt for a term plan with coverage of at least 10-15 times your annual income.

Regular Monitoring and Review
Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your financial goals and risk appetite.

Annual Review: Assess fund performance and make necessary adjustments.
Market Conditions: Stay updated with market trends and economic changes.
Additional Investment Strategies
Consider these strategies for better returns and risk management.

Systematic Transfer Plan (STP)
STP helps in gradually moving investments from debt to equity or vice versa.

Benefit: Reduces risk by averaging out the purchase cost.
Implementation: Start with a lump sum in a debt fund and gradually transfer to equity funds.
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)
SWP provides regular income during retirement.

Benefit: Offers regular cash flow while keeping the corpus invested.
Implementation: Set up SWP from equity or hybrid funds for regular withdrawals.
Final Insights
Your current SIP portfolio is well-diversified and suitable for long-term goals. However, consider adding more equity funds to enhance returns. Replace your index fund with an actively managed fund for better performance. Consult a Certified Financial Planner for professional guidance and portfolio management. Ensure you have an emergency fund, health insurance, and term insurance for comprehensive financial security. Regularly review and adjust your portfolio to stay aligned with your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 27, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir I am 36 yr Government employee, currently doing SIP of ?30,000 per month in MF with step up 10% and ?15,000 per month in EPF. Please review my portfolio. My MF portfolio today is 4 lakhs. My aim is long term for 15 years. My SIP details are:- 1. Navi Nifty Fifty Index Fund -3000 2. ICICI Multi Asset -4000 3. Edelweiss Aggressive Hybrid- 5000 4. Mahindra Multicap -4000 5. Quant Small Cap - 5000 6. SBI Contra- 5000 7. MO Nasdaq 100 FoF-3000 8. HDFC Midcap Index -5000 I also want to increase my SIP to 40000 per month please suggest any additional fund or in same funds. Thank you
Ans: Your current SIPs show a diversified approach, balancing large, mid, and small-cap exposure. Your mix of hybrid, multi-asset, and thematic funds reflects an attempt to achieve both growth and stability. However, we can optimise your portfolio for better alignment with your 15-year goal. Below is a detailed analysis and recommendation:

Key Observations
Index Funds Allocation:
You are currently investing in two index funds (Navi Nifty Fifty and HDFC Midcap). While index funds are low-cost, they may underperform actively managed funds during volatile markets. Actively managed funds, guided by experts, offer flexibility to capture alpha. You may reconsider your index exposure for more dynamic options.

Sector and Thematic Exposure:
Your allocation to Nasdaq 100 Fund of Fund introduces currency and tech-sector risk. While this adds international diversification, ensure it aligns with your risk tolerance. Over-reliance on a single sector could increase portfolio volatility.

Aggressive Small-Cap Exposure:
A Rs. 5,000 SIP in Quant Small Cap Fund indicates a focus on high-growth potential. Small-cap funds can deliver significant returns but carry higher risk. Given your long-term horizon, such funds can fit your plan but should be closely monitored.

SIP Step-Up Strategy:
Increasing your SIPs annually by 10% is an excellent strategy to beat inflation and accumulate a larger corpus over time. This disciplined approach will help in achieving your financial goal smoothly.

Recommended Adjustments
Consolidate Index Exposure:
Consider shifting from index funds to actively managed large-cap and mid-cap funds. This will allow professional fund managers to capture growth opportunities, especially during market corrections.

Balance International Allocation:
Instead of over-investing in a tech-heavy fund like Nasdaq 100, explore diversified global equity funds that invest across multiple sectors and regions. This will lower concentration risk.

Increase Hybrid Fund Allocation:
Hybrid funds provide a blend of equity and debt. Increasing your hybrid fund allocation slightly could add stability to your portfolio, ensuring smoother returns during volatile phases.

Review Contra Fund Exposure:
SBI Contra follows a contrarian strategy, which may take time to deliver results. It is good for diversification but should not form a large portion of the portfolio. You could reduce allocation here if needed and channel it to a balanced advantage fund for consistent returns.

Suggested Funds and Allocation Strategy
Large Cap and Mid Cap Funds:
Allocate more to actively managed large and mid-cap funds for better long-term performance. Aim for at least 50% of your total SIP in such funds.

Hybrid and Multi-Asset Funds:
Increase allocation to multi-asset and aggressive hybrid funds to ensure stability. Hybrid funds can cushion your portfolio during market downturns.

Balanced Advantage Fund (BAF):
Adding a BAF would be a prudent choice. It dynamically shifts between equity and debt based on market conditions, reducing risk.

Additional Global Fund:
Replace some exposure from Nasdaq 100 with a more diversified global fund for better stability.

Suggested New Allocation for Rs. 40,000 SIP
Large-Cap/Multi-Cap Fund: Rs. 10,000
Mid-Cap Fund: Rs. 7,500
Aggressive Hybrid Fund: Rs. 7,500
Balanced Advantage Fund: Rs. 7,500
Small-Cap Fund: Rs. 5,000
Global Equity Fund: Rs. 2,500
This allocation balances growth, stability, and diversification, ensuring better alignment with your long-term goals.

EPF Contributions – A Strong Foundation
Your EPF contribution of Rs. 15,000 per month is a strong backbone for your retirement. EPF offers guaranteed returns with tax benefits, making it an excellent low-risk investment. Continue your EPF contributions, as it complements your mutual fund portfolio with stable returns.

Long-Term Tax Impact
Keep in mind that capital gains from mutual funds are subject to taxation. Equity gains above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains attract 20% tax. Plan your redemptions carefully to optimise your tax liability over the years.

Final Insights
With the right mix of funds and a disciplined approach, your long-term goal of wealth creation is achievable. Monitor your portfolio regularly and adjust your allocations as required. Continue with the SIP step-up strategy, as it will help you stay ahead of inflation. Lastly, ensure you have adequate insurance coverage to safeguard your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 18, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi Gurus , Finally last month I have started my investment in MF thru sip in following funds: 1. Parag Parikh Flexi Fund Rs 5000. 2. Motilal Oswal Mid Cap Fund - Rs 10000. 3. Nippon India Muti cap fund- Rs 5000. 4. Nippon India Small Cap Fund- Rs 10000 5. Quant small cap fund -Rs 5000. Further I can spend 10000 more thru sip and suggest good funds for that. Also please note that the above investment is in regular thru ICICI and for retirement purpose. My current age is 45 years. Please suggest about my portfolio and asset allocations.
Ans: Your portfolio demonstrates diversification across flexi-cap, mid-cap, multi-cap, and small-cap categories, which is a good starting point for long-term growth. However, there are areas for improvement to enhance risk management and alignment with your retirement goals:

Observations
Overexposure to Small-Cap Funds:

30% of your SIPs are allocated to small-cap funds (Rs 15,000 out of Rs 50,000).
Small-cap funds are volatile and risky, especially for someone closer to retirement. Reducing this exposure is advisable.
Balanced Allocation Missing:

There’s no allocation to hybrid or large-cap funds, which offer stability.
For a retirement-focused portfolio, balancing risk and stability is essential.
Fund Overlap Risk:

Nippon India Multi Cap Fund and Nippon India Small Cap Fund could have overlapping holdings, which might reduce overall diversification.
Good Use of Regular Plans:

Regular plans ensure you receive ongoing guidance from your Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) or Certified Financial Planner (CFP). This is beneficial for monitoring and rebalancing.
Suggested Asset Allocation
Given your retirement horizon and age (45 years), a balanced approach between equity and debt is prudent. Consider the following allocation:

Equity Funds (70%): Growth-oriented funds, primarily large-cap, flexi-cap, and mid-cap funds, with reduced small-cap exposure.
Debt Funds (30%): Stability-focused funds, such as short-duration or dynamic bond funds, to reduce portfolio volatility.
Suggested Portfolio Changes
Reduce Small-Cap Exposure:

Maintain one small-cap fund, such as Nippon India Small Cap Fund (Rs 10,000 SIP). Exit Quant Small Cap Fund to reduce overlap and risk.
Introduce a Large-Cap Fund:

Add Rs 5,000 to a large-cap fund like SBI Bluechip Fund or ICICI Prudential Bluechip Fund for stability.
Add a Hybrid Fund for Stability:

Use the additional Rs 10,000 to invest in a hybrid fund like HDFC Balanced Advantage Fund or ICICI Prudential Balanced Advantage Fund. These funds offer a mix of equity and debt for lower volatility.
Monitor Multi-Cap Fund Performance:

Keep an eye on Nippon India Multi Cap Fund. If underperformance persists, consider switching to a better-performing multi-cap fund, such as Kotak Multi Cap Fund.

Recommended SIP Allocation (Post Changes)
Flexi-Cap Fund: Continue investing Rs 5,000 in Parag Parikh Flexi Cap Fund for diversified growth across market caps.

Mid-Cap Fund: Maintain Rs 10,000 SIP in Motilal Oswal Mid Cap Fund to capture mid-cap growth potential.

Multi-Cap Fund: Retain Rs 5,000 in Nippon India Multi Cap Fund but monitor its performance. Consider switching if it underperforms consistently.

Small-Cap Fund: Keep Rs 10,000 SIP in Nippon India Small Cap Fund and exit Quant Small Cap Fund to reduce overlap and risk.

Large-Cap Fund: Add Rs 5,000 in a stable large-cap fund such as SBI Bluechip Fund or ICICI Prudential Bluechip Fund for consistent returns with lower volatility.

Hybrid Fund: Allocate Rs 10,000 to a balanced advantage fund such as HDFC Balanced Advantage Fund or ICICI Prudential Balanced Advantage Fund for a mix of equity and debt stability.

General Suggestions
Review Portfolio Annually:
Regularly assess fund performance and rebalance to ensure alignment with your retirement goals.

Shift to Debt Gradually:
Start increasing debt exposure around age 50 to reduce portfolio volatility closer to retirement.

Emergency Fund and Insurance:
Maintain an emergency fund covering 6–12 months of expenses and ensure adequate health and term insurance coverage.

Professional Advice:
Continue investing through a reliable MFD or CFP to adapt your portfolio as per changing market conditions and personal goals.

Final Insights
Your portfolio is promising but needs adjustments to balance growth and risk. Reducing small-cap exposure and introducing large-cap and hybrid funds will add stability and align your investments with your retirement vision.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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Sir/madam My son is an MBA and wants to establish a cafe. Kindly guide. Regards
Ans: It's great to hear that your son is planning to open a cafe. With his MBA knowledge and entrepreneurial spirit, he has a strong foundation to build a successful venture. Here are some steps to guide him.

First,
He must decide on a unique concept for the cafe that will set it apart from others. Whether it is a cozy space for book lovers, a health-focused menu, or a modern cafe with a tech-friendly vibe, having a clear vision will attract the right customers. Additionally, researching the market to understand customer preferences, competition, and pricing trends is important to create a viable business plan.

Encourage him to prepare a detailed business plan that includes his vision, projected budget, marketing strategy, and operational plans. Choosing the right location with good visibility and foot traffic will be crucial to the cafe's success. He will also need to obtain the necessary licenses and permits, such as food safety approval and business registration, to operate legally.

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Wishing her all the best in this exciting journey!

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
We had been Dating since our College days & had a Love Marriage almost 2 Decades ago. My Wife had always been the Dominant one in the Relationship, while I had always been Soft-spoken. She is also much more Capable than me, in terms of Academic as well as Professional Competence, and also very Ambitious. These are some of the Qualities which I always admired in her. Over the years of our Marriage, I had to Compromise on my own Professional Growth, in order to support her Professional Growth. She has a Transferable Job, so I have taken up a Work-from-Home Job which pays much lesser, but allows more flexibility in timings, just to support her Professional Growth, I had given up much better opportunities. I have been literally living like a Stay-at-Home Husband, doing almost all the Household chores & also taking care of both our Children. I have no complaints about any of this, I am doing all this, just because I Love my Wife. My Wife too Loves me a lot, but doesn't seem to Respect me. She feels ashamed to introduce me to her Colleagues in her Office Parties. She often puts me down, in the presence of her Friends & Relatives. She asks others (her Friends, Colleagues & Relatives) for advice, even in matters relating to our Personal Life & gives more importance to their Opinions, compared to mine & has taken several big Decisions, without my Consent/Agreement. She doesn't bother telling me anything about her whereabouts & her Finances. While at Home, she Orders me around like a Boss & talks to me in a Condescending manner. Seeing her attitude, even our Servant Maid, Driver, Watchman & our Teenaged Children also don't treat me with due Respect. Our Neighbours, laugh at me behind my back. I have been Tolerating all this since many Years only because I Love my Wife so much. Many times, I tried to convey my concerns to her but she used to invalidate my feelings, labelling them as my 'Insecurity' or 'Male Ego' even though I never had either of those. She seems to have more time for her Partying with her Colleagues & Friends, rather than having a Productive Discussion with me about my Feelings. Now I am feeling Saturated. I need to do something to Earn Respect from my Wife, Children & the Society as I have realised that my Wife is not up for anything like Couples Counseling & I wouldn't be able to discuss my Feelings with anyone else (almost everyone I know, Respects her more than me). Please give me some Suggestions as to what can I do to become more Respectable in the Eyes of my Wife, Children & our Social Circle?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's heart warming to know that you eased into a role that usually can be not a very 'manly' thing to do. But I guess somewhere your wife has begun to enjoy her dominant status; let me tell you...that part is not easy on a man...
You just adapted to it and slowly, it has begun to erode your self-esteem...
Assume the role that will bring back your self-worth; this will mean actually a career, bringing money home, taking care of your responsibilities as a husband and father. This will also mean a step back from what you are doing at home now...
Your wife may not want the extra chores that you had to drop off and there's bound to be some skirmishes; but better to take all this head on rather than skirt around the issue.
Slowly and steadily inch towards a space where the two of you are equal partners without anyone dominating the other.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu Krishna  |1402 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 14, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Recently, we had an Arranged Marriage. Before committing for the Marriage, we had a few Months of Courtship Period & got to understand each other well. He seemed to be a very Loving & Caring Person. Once, He asked me whether I was Virgin, I lied saying that I was, because I didn't want to lose such a Wonderful Guy. On our Wedding Night, he got Suspicious as I didn't bleed. Upon further Interrogation, I broke down & confessed the Truth that I had been Sexually Active in my previous Relationships, before getting Married to him. He got Disappointed as he felt Cheated & Betrayed. Since then, he's been sleeping in a seperate Room & not even talking to me properly, there's no Romance between us, at all. He'd also cancelled our Honeymoon Trip to Bali. He comes Home late, often having eaten out, doesn't ask me anything about my Day or even Care about me at all. He's become quite opposite of what he was, during our Courtship Period. Many times, I've tried to break the Ice & build some Chemistry between us, but he told me that he lost all Feelings for me, and he wouldn't even Care if I left him & his House for Good. He was Ready to give me a Divorce, if I wanted to Leave him. But I don't want to throw away this Marriage, I want to try & make it work, but there's no Cooperation at all from his side. He blatantly refused to go for Marriage Counseling with me. In the presence of other Family Members, he tries to act like a normal Husband, just to maintain his image in the Society. But when we both are alone at Home, he acts as if I don't even exist. Now I am getting frustrated, I don't understand what to do? I don't regret all that I did in my Past, I had the Right to Enjoy my Life, when I was Young & Unmarried & I don't owe any Explanation to anyone, about my Past. Now I feel I am being treated too Coldly just for a little White Lie. Did I really do something so Wrong that I don't even deserve to be Loved by the Person, I Married? If it leads to a Divorce, we both have got a lot to lose out on, hence I am trying to avoid the extreme Decision. But I don't have any idea as to how our Marriage can be Repaired & Rejuvenated, when my Husband is not at all interested in the Marriage? Please advise me what to do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you understand him, your virginity meant a lot to him...that was one of his core beliefs that one preserves their virginity until marriage. Now, he feels cheated as what he believes in has gone against him. It seems very old-fashioned to want the bride to 'bleed' on the first night and conclude that she isn't pure...I get your point, but that are his values...
Can he change and actually look at things differently and save the marriage? YES only if he wants to...he has to commit to it...

For you, the fear of losing him made you hide the fact. Who's right and who isn't? Neither! It's all a matter of the way you look at it; each one will hold their impressions as the truth. So, he's holding onto what he feels is his truth and unwilling to budge and make the marriage work. What can you do? Perhaps apologize for hurting him; he is hurt and angry, isn't it?

It may seem trivial and foolish to you that he gives this so much importance in this day and age. You can't shake people off their beliefs. Anything that you hide eventually comes to bite you; so act wisely...
- talk to him about how you feel about him and the marriage
- tell him what he means to you and why you hid the facts that was most important to him
- lastly apologize to him from your heart

All this may seem 'going over the top' BUT hey, you wish to make the marriage work, right? At times, going that extreme bit can bring back things...So, if there's a 'Feminist' side of you that seems to disagree, keep that at bay for a while and ask: Do I want the marriage?
If YES, then do what it takes...

All the best!
Dear Likitha,
Please download the whatsapp chats and try and get the recording of the phone calls. When your husband denies and says she is just a friend, these things that you collect will be the only proof to actually prove what you are saying. I know this is hard to do but what other way do you have? He does not want to admit what he is doing...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

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