Feeling Rejected After White Lie About Virginity - Seeking Advice on Saving Marriage

Recently, we had an Arranged Marriage. Before committing for the Marriage, we had a few Months of Courtship Period & got to understand each other well. He seemed to be a very Loving & Caring Person. Once, He asked me whether I was Virgin, I lied saying that I was, because I didn't want to lose such a Wonderful Guy. On our Wedding Night, he got Suspicious as I didn't bleed. Upon further Interrogation, I broke down & confessed the Truth that I had been Sexually Active in my previous Relationships, before getting Married to him. He got Disappointed as he felt Cheated & Betrayed. Since then, he's been sleeping in a seperate Room & not even talking to me properly, there's no Romance between us, at all. He'd also cancelled our Honeymoon Trip to Bali. He comes Home late, often having eaten out, doesn't ask me anything about my Day or even Care about me at all. He's become quite opposite of what he was, during our Courtship Period. Many times, I've tried to break the Ice & build some Chemistry between us, but he told me that he lost all Feelings for me, and he wouldn't even Care if I left him & his House for Good. He was Ready to give me a Divorce, if I wanted to Leave him. But I don't want to throw away this Marriage, I want to try & make it work, but there's no Cooperation at all from his side. He blatantly refused to go for Marriage Counseling with me. In the presence of other Family Members, he tries to act like a normal Husband, just to maintain his image in the Society. But when we both are alone at Home, he acts as if I don't even exist. Now I am getting frustrated, I don't understand what to do? I don't regret all that I did in my Past, I had the Right to Enjoy my Life, when I was Young & Unmarried & I don't owe any Explanation to anyone, about my Past. Now I feel I am being treated too Coldly just for a little White Lie. Did I really do something so Wrong that I don't even deserve to be Loved by the Person, I Married? If it leads to a Divorce, we both have got a lot to lose out on, hence I am trying to avoid the extreme Decision. But I don't have any idea as to how our Marriage can be Repaired & Rejuvenated, when my Husband is not at all interested in the Marriage? Please advise me what to do.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you understand him, your virginity meant a lot to him...that was one of his core beliefs that one preserves their virginity until marriage. Now, he feels cheated as what he believes in has gone against him. It seems very old-fashioned to want the bride to 'bleed' on the first night and conclude that she isn't pure...I get your point, but that are his values...
Can he change and actually look at things differently and save the marriage? YES only if he wants to...he has to commit to it...

For you, the fear of losing him made you hide the fact. Who's right and who isn't? Neither! It's all a matter of the way you look at it; each one will hold their impressions as the truth. So, he's holding onto what he feels is his truth and unwilling to budge and make the marriage work. What can you do? Perhaps apologize for hurting him; he is hurt and angry, isn't it?

It may seem trivial and foolish to you that he gives this so much importance in this day and age. You can't shake people off their beliefs. Anything that you hide eventually comes to bite you; so act wisely...
- talk to him about how you feel about him and the marriage
- tell him what he means to you and why you hid the facts that was most important to him
- lastly apologize to him from your heart

All this may seem 'going over the top' BUT hey, you wish to make the marriage work, right? At times, going that extreme bit can bring back things...So, if there's a 'Feminist' side of you that seems to disagree, keep that at bay for a while and ask: Do I want the marriage?
If YES, then do what it takes...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Asked on - Dec 18, 2024 | Answered on Dec 19, 2024

महोदया, कृपया अपने उत्तर के अंतिम भाग को संपादित करें। यह किसी अन्य उत्तर का हिस्सा लग रहा है, जो गलती से इस उत्तर में आ गया है।

Ans: प्रिय अनाम,
माफ़ी चाहता हूँ...इसे संपादित किया गया है।

शुभकामनाएँ!
माइंड कोच|एनएलपी ट्रेनर|लेखक ड्रॉप इन: www.unfear.io मुझसे संपर्क करें: Facebook: anukrish07/ और LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Asked on - Dec 21, 2024 | Answered on Dec 23, 2024

Thanks for your Answer, Anu Ma'am. I have tried everything that you have Suggested in your Reply. I have been putting a lot of Efforts from my side to gain his Love & Trust. But he seems to be completely unmoved. I'm feeling exhausted but I can't afford to End this Marriage & lose out on the Social Status & Financial Security which he provides me with. My Parents would also be ashamed of me & in our Community, it's quite difficult for a Divorced Woman to get Re-Married & in my case, it would be near impossible if the word spreads around that my Husband has Divorced me because I wasn't Virgin. Please give me any other alternative suggestions. Shall I try threatening my Husband that I would commit Suicide or File a False 498A Case against him & his entire Family, in order to make him Love me again? Or shall I find another Partner who can satisfy my Sexual & Emotional Needs, Secretly, while continuing along with this Marriage?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
While putting back the marriage, threats and lies never work. Do you think in fear he's going to love you? When he realizes that you have lied again about something, things are going to get worse. So, this time around, go the sane way and something that your husband understands.
Gaining his love and trust is going to be a slow process and not something that will happen overnight. For you this entire thing maybe silly, but his beliefs around 'virginity' are set in stone.
Now, for him to come around, you really need to work at it and WAIT...If this marriage is important to you, then go about it slowly without pressuring yourself into immediate results...He wants facts and truths; give it to him. He may not accept it, but eventually at least you can in a conversation at least tell him that truth is what will bring the marriage to a workable space and that you are willing to put in that work...ask him for his support in it!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Asked on - Dec 28, 2024 | Answered on Dec 30, 2024

Thanks for Replying Anu Ma'am. Now, there's another complication in the matter. My Husband has planned to go for a Solo Honeymoon (like Kangana Ranaut's Character 'Rani' in the Bollywood Movie 'Queen') to Thailand, for Celebrating New Year. And during the Week that he's away, he wants me to Live with my Elder Sister (She's the only other person who is aware of everything), while I've been begging him to take me along with him. He also says that, while he's in Thailand, he wants to enjoy his Solo Honeymoon, as if he's a Bachelor, doing whatever he wants to do, without being Answerable to me & he says that I have no Right to Question whatever he does in this period. He Reassured me that we both can Think about what to do, with our Marriage, after he Returns from Thailand, next week. I am feeling very Insecure about all this. I'm afraid that he may engage in Sexual Flings, in Thailand, just to get even with me (He's been Hinting that's what he's got in his Mind about the Solo Honeymoon). I don't want to let him go alone on his Solo Honeymoon & I don't even want this Marriage to End in Divorce. Please advise me what to do? How can I prevent him from going on this Solo Honeymoon? Is there any way, I can keep him from Cheating on me, during his Solo Honeymoon? (At this point, he doesn't even feel that it's Cheating, if he has Casual Sex, just to get even with me as he'd been saving himself all these years, while I had an active Sexual Life)

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I would not make this entire thing as 'filmy' as you are making it out to be.
Your husband expected you to be a virgin and he is convinced that you were not on Day 1 of your marriage. He stopped caring and loving and now according to you is plotting his revenge by behaving recklessly.
Honestly, he's quite immature in the way of dealing with this situation. If he is not one for talking things through, I wonder how he's going to go through the challenges of parenthood and the large and small misunderstandings within a marriage.
He needs help dealing with this emotional turmoil and the two of you must seek couples counseling...Now, is it possible to stop him from going to Thailand? I don't know...he seems to be out for revenge and anything that you do to stop him is most likely backfire on your marriage. And NO, there is no way you can prevent cheating. Cheating is a choice a person makes and he's quite obviously making a choice here and making you aware of it in order to hurt you. And all this because you are not a virgin.
Did you not spot a red flag here at all?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Asked on - Jan 06, 2025 | Answered on Jan 28, 2025

Thanks for sparing some Time to Answer my Question, Anu Ma'am... Now my Husband has returned from Thailand after Enjoying his 'Solo Honeymoon'. Now he seems quite changed. He seems to have enjoyed some of the Best Days of his Life, during his Solo Honeymoon in Thailand. He has openly admitted (without any Guilt or Shame) that he had just let go of his Inhibitions & enjoyed having lots of Sex with several Women, over the week. Since his Teens, he had many Sexual Fantasies, which he said that he'd been saving to Enjoy along with his Life Partner, but after getting disappointed due to my Lack of Virginity, he went on to Fulfill all his Sexual Fantasies by 'Hiring' different Women, spending lots of Money on them. He doesn't feel that he has Cheated on me. He says that he did all that to 'Learn & Practice' the 'Art of Love-making' I'm order to give me Sexual Pleasure & Satisfaction. He was Under-confident that he may not be able to satisfy me as I had a lot of Sexual Experience, while he was a Virgin, when we got Married. Now he feels that we both are 'Even' and he's Willing to "Forgive & Forget the Past" & work on our Marriage, if I'm also willing to, otherwise, he has no problem with going for a Divorce. Now, the Ball is in my Court & I'm in Dilemma, whether I should Accept his 'Tit for Tat' Attitude & go ahead with working on our Marriage, Believing that we both are Even now? I am still afraid of the Familial, Societal, Legal & Financial consequences, which would arise, in case of Divorce. In this situation what, do you think, is a better option? Reconciliation or Separation? (P.S: He got himself Tested & fortunately, he has not been infected with any Sexually Transmitted Diseases, as he'd always taken Care to use Protection, even while engaging in his Wildest Sexual Fantasies)

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You seem to want me to give you an answer that you want to hear. Let me ask you this...if the same situation happened wto your bestie, what would you suggest to her?
Your husband's belief that all virgins bleed on the first night and that not happening and then his revenge sex on his trip...what is all this? A circus, drama?
You need to decide what kind of life you want to lead and if this person fits into that picture. The decision is yours; just think of the sequence of events and how this has affected you. As a mature person and your husband, what else could he have done to actually sort this issue out? You have a lot of thinking to do...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

मैं इसे गुमनाम रखना चाहता हूं। ;मेरे पति और मैं एक ही कॉलेज में थे, लेकिन दोस्त नहीं थे। फरवरी, 2021 में मैंने उनसे खुलकर बात की और शादी करने पर गर्भधारण करने में असमर्थता का जिक्र किया। जिस पर उनकी प्रतिक्रिया थी कि वह वास्तव में मुझे पसंद करते हैं और स्वीकार करने के लिए तैयार हैं मुझे मेरी असमर्थता के साथ। प्रेमालाप की अवधि, शुरुआती 4-5 महीने शांतिपूर्ण थे, लेकिन वह और मैं एक बंधन की कमी महसूस कर रहे थे, फिर भी हमने सोचा कि समय के साथ हम इसे पा लेंगे। शुरुआत के बाद वह चरण जब हमने पारिवारिक समारोहों के लिए मिलना शुरू किया। उसने मुझमें खामियां ढूंढनी शुरू कर दीं। जैसे, जब मैं बाहर जाती हूं तो दूसरे पुरुषों को घूरती हूं, मैं उसे प्राथमिकता नहीं देती, मैं किसी पुरुष मित्र से जरूरत से ज्यादा बात क्यों करती हूं, मैं ऑफिस पार्टियों में अपने सीनियर की तारीफ क्यों करती हूं आदि। ;उसने मुझे इन क्षेत्रों में नियंत्रित करना शुरू कर दिया और अगर मैं देर रात अपने भाई-बहनों से बात करता तो गुस्सा हो जाता। मैं फंसा हुआ महसूस करने लगा और दम घुटता था, और हमेशा इस डर में रहता था कि मेरी कोई भी हरकत मेरे पति को नाराज कर सकती है। उस गुस्से में वह एक बहुत ही अलग व्यक्ति की तरह लग रहा था, कोई आक्रामक। मेरे लिए सामान्य चीजें और मैंने उसे बताना शुरू कर दिया कि यह रिश्ता काम नहीं कर रहा है। हम अलग-अलग मानसिकता और विचारधारा वाले दो व्यक्ति हैं और चूंकि हम किसी समाधान तक पहुंचने में असमर्थ हैं किसी भी मुद्दे पर, आइए इसे बंद कर दें। मैं और वह अपना रवैया बदल देंगे और मुझे कुछ भी करने से नहीं रोकेंगे। जब भी मैं उससे संबंध तोड़ने की कोशिश करती तो वह रोना शुरू कर देता और ऐसी बातें कहता जैसे तुम हो। जीवन में मेरी एकमात्र खुशी, और मैं तुम्हारे और सबके बिना मर जाऊंगा। मैंने इस मामले में अपने परिवार को शामिल किया और उनके साथ चीजें साझा कीं। < ;/strong>वे मेरे पति को यह समझाने के लिए बुलाते थे कि उनसे मेरी उम्मीदें उसका व्यवहार बदलो। मजबूत>मूल रूप से, यह उसकी ओर से कभी-कभार होने वाला व्यवहार था और इसकी वजह से मेरा व्यवहार भी प्रभावित हुआ। मैं उसका सकारात्मक पक्ष देखने की कोशिश कर रहा था जैसा कि उसने किया था। मेरी असमर्थता के साथ मुझे स्वीकार किया, इसलिए वह एक अच्छा इंसान होना चाहिए। ;शादी के बाद हम हनीमून के लिए गए, लेकिन उसने अलग ही रवैया दिखाया। उसने मेरा अपमान करना शुरू कर दिया कि मैं वेटर समेत दूसरे लोगों को घूरती हूं। वह मेरे साथ आक्रामक तरीके से लड़ता था, और जब मैं रोता था तो वह मुझे यह कहकर शांत कर देता था कि यह लड़ाई मेरी गलती है; यदि मैं ऐसा न करता तो वह युद्ध न करता; यदि मैं उसकी बात मान लेता तो वह क्रोधित न होता। फिर वो मुझसे प्यार करता था। 4 दिनों तक लगातार ऐसा होता रहा। चौथे दिन मैंने उससे कहा कि मैं उसे बर्दाश्त नहीं कर सकता और उसके दिमाग को सुन्न कर देने वाली यातना को सहन नहीं कर सकता। साथ रहना। वह सहमत हो गए लेकिन बाद में उन्होंने माफी मांगनी शुरू कर दी और इस शादी के लिए एक और मौका मांगा। मैं सहमत हो गया। लेकिन उसके व्यवहार में ज्यादा सुधार नहीं हुआ। हम उसके माता-पिता के साथ रहते थे, उसने स्थानीय राजनीति में सक्रिय भाग लेना शुरू कर दिया, जिससे वह व्यस्त रहता था। उसने मुझे मेरी मां और रिश्तेदारों से मिलने के लिए अप्रत्यक्ष रूप से नियंत्रित करना शुरू कर दिया। वह मुझे अपने माता-पिता के साथ मेरा वेतन साझा न करने के लिए ताना मारता था। बाद में मुझे उसके काम का पता चला सुचारू रूप से नहीं चल रहा है और वह पर्याप्त कमाई नहीं कर रहा है। बधाई का अभिवादन करते समय पुरुषों को घूरने और पुरुषों से हाथ मिलाने का मुद्दा भी उनके लिए एक मुद्दा था। > इसके विपरीत, वह मेरे प्रति आक्रामक और असम्मानजनक हो गया। प्यार कहीं नहीं था। उन्होंने कभी नहीं कहा कि मैं एक अच्छी दिखने वाली महिला हूं। मेरे पति शायद ही कभी मेरी तारीफ करते थे, हालांकि जब भी मैं बाहर जाती हूं तो मुझे बहुत तारीफ मिलती है। उन्हें मेरी कोई परवाह नहीं होती, सिवाय उस समय के जब मैं कुछ ऐसा करती हूं जो वह नहीं करते। जैसे. मेरी मां ने भी उनका समर्थन किया. उसके व्यवहार ने मेरी मानसिक स्थिति पर असर डालना शुरू कर दिया और मैं उसके आसपास असहज महसूस करने लगी। मैंने शारीरिक होना बंद कर दिया क्योंकि मैं भावनात्मक रूप से अलग महसूस कर रही थी। झगड़ों ने मुझे तोड़ दिया था, मेरी न्यूनतम उम्मीदें भी पूरी नहीं हुईं। मेरे पति ने भी मेरे परिवार से रिश्ता तोड़ लिया था और उनके प्रति अपमानजनक व्यवहार किया था उन्हें। शुरुआत में उन्होंने वादा किया था कि मैं जब चाहूं अपनी मां से मिलने के लिए स्वतंत्र हूं और वह कभी भी मेरा वेतन नहीं मांगेंगे या मेरे चरित्र पर संदेह नहीं करेंगे, लेकिन कुछ नहीं हुआ सच हो। 4 महीने की यातना के बाद, मैं अपनी माँ के पास आई और अपने पति से कहा कि मैं उनके साथ नहीं रह सकती। </ मजबूत><मजबूत>मैं वास्तव में उसके बिना बहुत बेहतर महसूस करता हूं। जैसे ही उसे पता चला कि मैं उसे छोड़ रहा हूं उसने आत्मसमर्पण कर दिया है और स्वीकार कर रहा है कि उसने गलतियां की हैं और वह मुझे खोना नहीं चाहता है। वह कहता है कि मैं हूं जीवन में उसकी एकमात्र आशा है और वह मुझसे बहुत प्यार करता है और मेरे बिना नहीं रह सकता। जब भी मैं उससे अलग होने की कोशिश करती हूं तो वह वही भावनात्मक नाटक करता है उसे। ;br />उसने मुझे रुलाया, उसने मुझे अवसाद में धकेल दिया। मैं उसका सम्मान नहीं करता। उन्होंने मुझे मेरी असमर्थता के साथ स्वीकार किया, लेकिन मुझे लगता है कि उन्हें मेरी असलियत कभी पसंद नहीं आई। वह इस तथ्य को स्वीकार करने के लिए तैयार नहीं हैं कि हम एक-दूसरे के लिए अच्छे नहीं रहे हैं। मुझे वह एक पुरुषवादी, प्रभुत्वशाली और नियंत्रण करने वाला व्यक्ति लगता है। वह अधिकतर क्रोधी रहता है समय, दूसरों के साथ अच्छा व्यवहार करता है लेकिन परिवार के सदस्यों के साथ अहंकारी होता है। मैं क्या करूं? मैं पूरी तरह असमंजस में हूं, मैं खुद को प्रेम-रहित विवाह के लिए बाध्य करने में असमर्थ हूं और मेरा परिवार और पति इसे नहीं समझते हैं। (मैं एक हूं) सरकारी अधिकारी और मेरे पति एक छोटा व्यवसाय चलाते हैं)