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Kanchan Rai |168 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 28, 2023

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Question by Priyanka on Mar 28, 2023Hindi

I am confused with my relationship. Im in relationship frm last 1 month . I met him via social media . Actually now a days i feel he is not serious with me . Im not getting the good vibes from him. Wht should i do now

Ans: Hello Priyanka.

It's understandable that you are feeling confused about your relationship, especially if you're not getting good vibes from your partner. Here are a few suggestions on what you can do:

Communicate your concerns: It's important to communicate with your partner and express your concerns. Talk about how you feel and ask them how they feel about the relationship. Honest communication can help clear up any misunderstandings or doubts you may have.

Evaluate the relationship: Take some time to reflect on your relationship and evaluate whether it's meeting your needs and expectations. If you feel like the relationship isn't fulfilling, it may be time to reconsider your options.

Take a step back: It's okay to take a step back and give yourself some space to think about the relationship. This can help you gain clarity and perspective on the situation.

Trust your instincts: If you feel like something isn't right, trust your instincts. Your intuition can often guide you towards making the right decision for yourself.

Remember, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and happiness in any relationship. Don't hesitate to reach out to friends or a trusted confidante for support and advice.

PS. It's always advisable to do proper due diligence if things are virtual. You should know and figure out who your partner is in real life. We all know virtual world has its own drawbacks.

Best of luck.

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Anu Krishna |819 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2022

Question by SD - Apr 27, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, How are you? Hope you are doing well. So my situation is: I'm 23 years old. Due to my extremely toxic past experiences in relationships, I chose to be single to bring a balance in my life. I have been single for almost a year now. But last month I was on a sabbatical. I had travelling plans but I had to cancel everything due to the rise in the covid19 pandemic. I joined a dating app (I swore that I would never use a dating app. But then this year I wanted to do something that I would never consider doing. So I decided to join a dating app just to see what goes in there). I wasn't looking for any relationship or anything like that. I was mostly fine with my single life (except the physical intimacy part of course). Then I got matches with guys. But I had no interest in any of them. I chatted with a couple of them but got bored within minutes. I matched with a guy and started talking to him. He seemed nice from the start. I could connect with him very easily. We were on an equal intellectual level. But that was just day 1. From day2, he was not really into the conversation. He was only answering my questions, not really asking anything. But while talking, he clearly told me that he wasn't into relationships or dating currently as he broke up 1 year ago and needed time to clear his mind space. I didn't really care about all this stuff since I wasn't looking for anything at all. But his prosaic interview type answers were very irritating and I had to get back to my work too. So I deleted my profile without apprising him anything and by that time we already connected on IG. But after that conversation, he was kind of all over my mind. It was really difficult for me to focus on my work for the next 2-3 days. So I thought if I text with him for 2-3 days, I would be fine probably. But when I texted him on IG, he wasn't surprised that I’d deleted my profile on that dating app without even telling him anything. Moreover, he was texting in a very formal manner. After a while, he stopped replying. I didn't text after that. I was done with him.Since that day, my mind has been craving for his attention. I know that he isn't the guy I should spend my time with no matter how good I found him initially. But my focus and concentration is really getting affected by his thoughts. On VDay I thought maybe he was going to ask me out(because last month he made it conspicuous that he was going to meet me on V -day). But he is a ghost now. Please tell me how do I erase his thoughts from my mind totally so that I can focus on my work as I have piles of work to get done.

Ans:

Dear SD,

Ghosting of a high order.

Why exactly were you anticipating him to give you all the attention?

Why were you craving for validation from someone who you haven’t chatted or met with?

Why did you base so many emotions on a ‘connection’ that wasn’t one in the first place?

Dating apps are an ocean of people who have different needs to be met and distractions are heavy.

Every moment, the mind is seeking an association with a new person in the hope that he or she will be better than the previous one.

How did you expect him to feel the same way as you did at that very moment? Maybe it’s time to introspect what you learned during your sabbatical.

Did you pour enough self-love so that you wouldn’t wait for someone else to love you? If No, then time to step back and validate yourself for ONCE.

You must learn to look at yourself with a fresh pair of eyes, laud yourself and love yourself even more.

Fill yourself with so much care are love that the next time, you are on an APP, it’s for a very good reason and with a lot of confidence that you can hold your space and not get swayed by who is messaging or who isn’t!

Life offers you with so many opportunities to change from within; start right away and as far as this “Ghost Guy”, even if he is back, he will scout around for more greener pastures as far as an unsteady mind goes.

So you possibly might just be one of them. Investing so much time in all of this is straining.

Join groups that meet often and on a common theme and maybe you might find someone interesting and someone who has similar values and ideals as you.

Good luck to a new way of thinking and acting!

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Anu Krishna |819 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 16, 2022

Question by DJ - May 16, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu, I am in a relationship with a guy for 5 months. I met him via social media. We know each other since a year. Initially I saw him only as a friend, but we grew close, talked daily for a year, met a few times and decided to date. But I am still confused if he is right for me. It's a long distance relationship and I am not able to connect as much as him. I am not able to decide if I want to spend my life with him. He is too deeply involved, and that scares me, I try to break up because I feel it's not fair to him, but I end up going back to him because I miss him. This continues. I am stuck in a loop, I don't know what to do. Please advice.

Ans:

Dear DJ,

It can be a little difficult to know people through social media as they are at their amazing best there; pictures, videos, status updates usually is for someone else to validate them and possibly does not reflect who they truly are. And yet you call it a relationship? How?

Also, you have chosen to feel guilty for being upfront about it or take a decision to move on.

How much of emotions are invested in this ‘relationship’ or have you grown it in the mind to an extent that doesn’t even exist?

Time to introspect and evaluate:

Who is he?

How much do I know him despite speaking to him every day?

Does his thoughts and idea match mine?

How do you know that he is deeply involved?

Could just feeling lonely be the reason that the two of you are stuck in this?

I have no clue how old you are but I can tell you one thing; there is no future where there is no true love and for true love to grow, one needs to be with another person initially, investing time in one another.

In your case check if the two of you can meet and maybe things might fall into place after that clearing up many of these confusions.

Best wishes!

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Anu Krishna |819 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 11, 2022

Question by SS - Feb 11, 2022Hindi

Hi Anu Ji,I am in a relationship with a guy from one year who is from a different state and different background. I am from north and he is from South. As of now the relationship is perfect when we both are together but I am stressed about my future as this guy had warned me that future is very difficult due to family issues and all. Our relationship also started on a very different note. We were close friends for a few years and then got close over a few incidents. I have gone out all the way to put my efforts in the relation because it looked picture perfect what I was creating. He has given me no promises of the future telling things are very different in our state. Earlier he used to ask me to be casual, but both of us know that my nature is not casual, he has apologised also feeling that he is wasting my time.He also asked if I want to look for a proper marriage partner.. all his words show this and makes me scared that in future we will be separated.On the contrary his actions are so sweet and romantic. Multiple times I thought I should think straight and leave but I guess I am too attached and so is he.My parents keep on pushing for rishtas as I am in prime age to be married, and I am only delaying this because of this guy, what should I do? Why are his actions and words not in sync. I have also informed my parents about him. If he is not willing to take it forward he should leave me and go na. Why should I initiate any breakup when I like my life with him.Help me with ways to talk sense into this guy so that he has courage to take us up at his home and family.Any guidance will be helpful. Please keep it anonymous.

Ans:

Dear SS,

When his words and actions are not in sync, what exactly are you pushing for?

Are you hoping for him to see things your way? He seems to have made it clear that he wants this to be casual.

It could be one of two things:
1. He isn’t ready for a commitment as of now
2. He isn’t ready to stir the hornet’s nest back at home and face the music

Either case, this is holding you up and your movement in life. Why do that?

Ask yourself:

How long do I want to wait for a strong commitment from him? After which, you most certainly must move ahead
Will he ever be able to convince his parents of this relationship? Now, if it’s a NO, you know what to do
How fair is it to keep my life on hold for him? – If it’s a NO, check what is this hold up costing you this very moment

Please have an honest discussion with him on how this is affecting you and what you exactly want.

Take a call based on his responses and his involvement in the discussion that concerns the future of your relationship.

Best wishes and take charge NOW.

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