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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 09, 2022

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Sep 09, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Love Guru,
I'm a married woman and I work with a private company.
My husband has no job and sits at home all day.
I hate going home because he is very frustrated and always says something negative and annoying when he sees me.
I have several male friends, who are younger to me and I like talking to them and sharing details about my day.
My husband suspects I am having an affair and keeps checking my phone. He has followed me to work on a couple of occasions. He now keeps tabs on me and wants me to inform him about my whereabouts.
I feel that my marriage is over and there's nothing to look forward to. I want to move out and start afresh.
But will I get a second chance at finding love?
What if I end up in the same situation again? 

Ans:

Why would you end up in the same situation again, are you stupid enough to go looking for another overly-critical jobless partner?

Lots of people find love again and get married a second time, but that's not what is in question here. The question is whether you really feel nothing at all for your husband and want a divorce.

If you think that the relationship is completely over and want to separate, that's your decision to make.

You could try marital counselling if there is a breakdown in communication between you both, but that's provided you want to save the marriage. And it certainly doesn't sound like you do.

You never even mentioned whether it was a love marriage or arranged match; if it’s the latter and you've never loved him at all, I'd say there's not much point in trying either.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |823 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2022

Relationship
Hello Anu ma’am, I’m 30 years old female, working at an IT firm. I have been married for a year now. The marriage with my husband was arranged by our family members. I met him 2 months before we got married. We talked more during that period and the conversations were always pleasant and I felt care in them and finally made the decision that he is my match. Once we got married, things were good-to-okay in the first few months. I used to live with my in-laws and slowly noticed that he is moving away little by little. My connection with him started to feel weak. He and his mother would stop talking when I entered the room. I had to help more with house chores. I tried quite a lot to keep up with in-laws, husband, and work but soon sensed that mother in law and son have teamed up against me and everything I did was never satisfactory. The first thing that came up to my mind was to move out of the house with my husband and to start our relationship afresh. He didn’t like the idea and for my work reasons, I moved out and to the city where I work (which is a 3-hour drive from where he lives). This made the connection even worse. I used to go see him once or twice in a month but the relationship felt strained so I moved back within 3 months. Around this time he downloaded some dating apps on his mobile. When I asked him about it he said he downloaded out of curiosity and didn’t use it, but I can feel the change in him. Within 2 months I started to realise he’s being secretive with his phone or iPad and is spending a lot of time with them either texting or calls. I also noticed that he is talking to someone during the night while he is sleeping next to me. I felt betrayed and shattered to my core. All the things I learnt for him, all the things that I have done for him and his family, all the time and energy I have spent felt useless. When I confronted him he never accepted it and says it’s all in my head. I gave him some time leaving it aside thinking he would bounce back once he is done with it. So I asked him to move in with me so we could bond and spend time alone. We moved in together finally but things didn’t go as I expected. When I leave for work he would either go meet the woman or worse bring her home. He continued it and I ran out of patience. I talked about it with my family and his. My family supports my decision with whatever I would want to do and his family would back him up saying that they have brought their son up my utmost values and he wouldn’t do such a thing. So finally they have sent us back to our homes hoping things will be fine. He still talks to the woman every night and God knows how many times I cannot make it out in the day time. I’m sorry it’s a long read for you but I wasn’t sure what to express and what not to, for you to help me with a suggestion.I have tried to catch his act using technology but he is too clever to be caught. Trust me, I’m a tech lead at an IT firm and I have tried a lot of methods to catch him but all of them are valid-invalid proofs and he is quite a story teller to make them all look null.I feel nothing inside most of the times and simply want to come out of this but not without showing his true form. For once, I want to win. Win huge this way. If you can help me out I will be grateful for that. Please keep me anonymous if you could.Thanks a lot for reading this.
Ans:

Dear TK,

Thank you for sharing so clearly; it certainly helps me guide in the best possible manner.

If you feel that he is infidel, the there is no necessity to go around looking for proof.

What will proving that give you?

Even if you showed it all to his parents what is the guarantee that they will not turn it around and blame you for it?

That you should not have moved out and that’s why he needed the comfort of other women.

Quit focusing on proving his infidelity and focus on more what you want at this point in time.

Do you want to continue in this marriage?

If NO, exit in the most graceful manner because the stress from all the pulling down or Win that you are looking for is strenuous and of no use. It will only appease your EGO which anyway is short-lived.

But of course, if you are in the process of negotiating terms during divorce proceedings; this proof maybe valuable to have a better WIN. I hope I have succeeded in differentiating both types of WINs so you get a clearer picture.

Now coming to how you must deal with your mind space is as simple as listing down what is important to you.

Is it dwelling on what he does or emphasizing more on what you can do?

When it’s the latter, you will think and act in a manner that looks out for you and how you can keep yourself in an optimum mind space.

So, start focusing on what makes you happy and stick to that.

When you are ready to move on, make it graceful and if there seems to be a problem with negotiation, the proof that you have collected with a sane sense of mind will come in handy.

I assume that there are no children involved but if there are, take into consideration how they will cope with any decision of yours.

Bottom Line: Learn to live your life and focus on what’s important. I am confident that you can do this NOW.

All the best for a beautiful mind space!

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Aug 25, 2022

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Hello love guru. I wanted to know if I am wrong or right. As my husband has blocked me from phone by all means and do not even talk to me, so what should I do? I am working far from my Father in laws home where he stays with his brother (divorcee). He is not working and I am working and taking care of two daughters. Whenever he comes here, he fight a lot saying insane and sarcastic words to me. Since two and half months he stayed with us and left us (though he sometimes talk to my daughters only). I feel alone and nobody is there to support me or even talk to me for my emotional support. Now somebody has started talking to me and even I started, I really do not know what to do. Kindly guide. I told this to my husband also and he says whatever you wish you do.. I do not know why he says like this..He did not even tried to search a job where I am working, but when he went to inlaws there he started searching interestingly. If we do not talk then how  our relation will continue being husband. Also I found many times that he keep on searching call girls from his mobile phone search history and even his friends at inlaws told me that they saw girl accompanying him..but even I want to forget all these things as I found my daughters feel happy to talk to him..but what about my emotions and my physical needs..who will take care of if this keep on continued...as after marriage I found no happy-happy situations for me atleast..he says he lost all his jobs because of me..But all baseless objections...and blames me, harms me by beating also some times..I some times cry alone... but  this is not the life I expected after working so hard...I also used to pay him all money whatever he and whenever he demnaded.. I paid more than 10 lakhs of savings to him till date and did not even ever counted..he also stolen all gold from home without even asking me..I want to forgive him for all but when he is not interested in talking to me and just ignores me then how and why I should continue with him..just because he is my husband..or should I remarry to someone who is really willing to marry me...knowing all these things..or should I dont? As a mother of two daughters I sometimes think..that my only responsibility is to upbring my daughters...but then I also needs someone's emotional support...though economically independent..I also said to him to give me alimony as he does not pay anything to me and also file for divorce...as even I have a right to live happily...kab tak aise hi aansu bahau uske liye jisne mujhe block hi kar rakha hai from phone? I am confused please help me out!!
Ans: You have a husband who is an unemployed, good-for-nothing bum, who doesn't show you respect, steals from you, lives apart from you, likes to associate with call girls, blames you for his failures, beats you and doesn't care if you have an affair. He ‘talks to your daughters sometimes’. Honey, you need to be emailing a divorce lawyer, not this column. And do it immediately. Yes, you're more than just a mother and you do deserve emotional support. You should cut him loose immediately.   
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |169 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2024Hindi
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Hello, I am 35 years old. Married. Not living with husband since an year, as he flirted with an office girl (this is the extent of it that I caught) and has tendency to do so. He is not emotionally aware (of himself or me) and I keep getting hurt as I am quite emotional. Also, I am not on talking terms with his parents as they had tried to sabotage our marriage in different ways on countless occasions. My husband wont agree (not that I want him to agree), but I think that's one reason of our increasing differences. I love him, but cannot find in my heart to move back with him ever again. We have a 5 year old kid, due to whom I am unable to move ahead with divorce. I am stuck in the midst, not knowing where to go next or stay in this same 'married but separated ' position forever. I'm definitely happier without the everyday petty bickering that we had when we lived together (which was turning me into a bitter and angry person, I don't want to be that). I have turned extremely distrustful of him. I do feel very lonely at times. We also went to a guidance counsellor to make the relation work some 1.5 years back, but my husband felt its a waste of money after 5 sessions, also he never invested in the emotional sorting that the counsellor mentioned our relation required. Any guidance?
Ans: It sounds like you're facing a complex and challenging situation. Here are some steps you might consider as you navigate your next steps:

Take care of yourself first and foremost. This means prioritizing your mental and emotional well-being. Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can help you process your feelings, develop coping strategies, and explore your options moving forward.
Take some time to reflect on what you want for yourself and your child in the long term. Consider what kind of environment you want to create for your child, as well as what you need in terms of emotional fulfillment and stability.
If you feel comfortable, consider having an open and honest conversation with your husband about your concerns and feelings. Express how his actions have affected you and what you need from him moving forward. However, be prepared for the possibility that he may not be receptive or willing to change.
Consult with a family law attorney to understand your rights and options regarding divorce, custody, and child support. They can provide guidance tailored to your specific situation and help you navigate the legal process.
Regardless of whether you choose to stay married or pursue divorce, prioritize effective co-parenting for the well-being of your child. This may involve setting clear boundaries, communicating openly about parenting decisions, and prioritizing your child's needs above any personal conflicts.
Consider exploring alternative living arrangements or custody agreements that may better suit your needs and preferences. This could include living separately while co-parenting, or exploring shared custody arrangements that provide stability for your child while allowing you to maintain some distance from your husband.
Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups for additional support and guidance. It can be helpful to connect with others who have gone through similar experiences and can offer empathy, advice, and solidarity.
Ultimately, the decision of whether to stay married or pursue divorce is a deeply personal one that only you can make. Take your time, trust your instincts, and prioritize your own well-being and that of your child as you navigate this challenging process.
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Anu

Anu Krishna  |823 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 09, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello madam, i m 32 year married women, my husband love more than anything, he is good in everything, he take care of me, he bring me whatever i want, he is very good in bed. But i dont love him. Before marriage i had boyfriend, he never accepted me and assured he will marry me, so i decided to marry my husband in 2019. Till oct 2022 i had communication with my ex boyfriend, but when he got married he stopped calling me and i also stoped thinking about him. Lately i meet guy in my office he is 23, music teacher, not so good looking, not completed graduation, not financial strong but i developed feeling for him. I lied to him about my marriage, to get close to him. Once my husband caught me doing wrong, told me to not do. But still i want to continue and want to live with this guy. I want to divorce and live with young guy. I am doing correct or not please suggest.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
The fact that you are asking me whether it is correct or not shows that you are absolutely questioning yourself...
You yourself said that your husband loves you more than anything...then what makes you go around in circles searching for love and attention outside? Obviously you are unable to appreciate what you have...when you can't see that you have a stable life, all you think of doing is thinking of the boyfriend who did not accept you and the young boy who all of 23 is immature and financially unstable with who you want to live with!
Are things described in a nutshell now? You are free to make your choices but also know that you will have to bear the consequences.
At 23,
What sort of a life ahead he visualized for himself?
Does it include you?
What is the guarantee that he will not meet younger women later on?
And if you wish to start a family considering that he is already 23, does he have the capability to support you and the baby?
- Have you considered all of this?
Kindly step up for yourself and start thinking rather than running around in a scattered way looking for someone else to make you happy...

All the best!
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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 09, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello madam, i m 32 year married women, my husband love me more than anything, he is good in everything, he take care of me, he bring me whatever i want, he is very good in bed also. We dont have kids because i never loved my husband. Before marriage i had boyfriend, he never accepted me and assured me that he will marry me, so i decided to marry my husband in 2019. Till oct 2022, i used to communicate with my ex boyfriend, but when he got married he stopped calling me and i also stoped thinking about him. Lately, in Sept 2023, i meet guy in my office he is 23, music teacher, not so good looking, not completed graduation, not financial strong but i developed feeling for him. I lied to him, told i am not married, to get close to him. Once my husband caught me cheating with him in whatsapp messages, told me to not do. But still i went ahead to continue my relationship with this young guy and want to live with this guy. I want to divorce and live with young guy. My parents and family love and respect my husband like their own son. I am doing correct or not please suggest me.
Ans: No you certainly are not “doing correct”! Here’s a good man who loves you and treats you well and has forgiven your indiscretions and still you want someone else? You agreed to marry, right - no one put a gun to your head. Now honour that commitment and stop being so fickle-minded. At 23, your boyfriend is really young and immature. Right now you’re all hot and heavy, but give it a minute; realistically your relationship is unlikely to survive in the long run. And you want to hurt your husband and walk out on your marriage for nothing…he’s only ever treated you right. Don’t be a fool!
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |884 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 26, 2024

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |884 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 26, 2024

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Sir my age is 25 and I am earning 29000 per month.i am in govt sector.i am investing 20000 per month in sip in the following funds Motilal Oswal midcap fund 3000 HDFC s&p sensex index fund 4000 Motilal Oswal Nasdaq ETF 3000 Axis small cap fund 2000 Nippon India small cap fund 2000 ICICI prudential nifty 50 ETF 2000 US S&P 500 SPDR ETF 4000 And lastly 1000 in bitcoin but that I don't count because it's very risky and I may lose my money in bitcoin so I consider 20000 as my sip amount instead of 21000....sir kindly check my sip distribution if needed any changes..I will stay invested in market for 20 years and I want my wealth to grow so that I can retire at 45.. kindly provide me your valuable suggestions
Ans: Your commitment to investing at such a young age is commendable and lays a strong foundation for your future financial security. Let's review your SIP distribution to ensure it aligns with your goal of retiring at 45 and maximizing wealth growth over 20 years.

Your current SIP allocation demonstrates a diversified approach, spanning various sectors and geographies. However, given your long investment horizon and goal of wealth accumulation, it's essential to consider a few aspects:

Risk Tolerance: While your portfolio includes both domestic and international equity exposure, it's important to assess your risk tolerance. Small-cap and mid-cap funds tend to be more volatile but offer higher growth potential over the long term. Ensure you're comfortable with the level of risk associated with these investments.
Asset Allocation: Evaluate your asset allocation to ensure it reflects your risk appetite and investment goals. Consider allocating a portion of your portfolio to more stable assets like large-cap funds or debt instruments to balance risk and potential returns.
Review Periodically: As your financial circumstances and market conditions evolve, periodically review your SIP distribution to ensure it remains aligned with your goals. Rebalancing your portfolio may be necessary to maintain diversification and optimize returns.
Emergency Fund: Building an emergency fund equivalent to 3-6 months' worth of expenses is crucial to mitigate financial risks and ensure stability during unforeseen circumstances.
Regarding your Bitcoin investment, it's advisable to exercise caution due to its speculative nature and lack of proven track record. Cryptocurrencies are inherently risky and have not stood the test of time like traditional investment options. Consider focusing on more established and less volatile investment avenues for long-term wealth accumulation.
As a Certified Financial Planner, I advise you to consult with a financial advisor who can provide personalized guidance tailored to your specific financial situation and goals. Together, we can refine your investment strategy to optimize growth and set you on the path to achieving your retirement objectives.
(more)
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |884 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 26, 2024Hindi
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Money
I am 53 years old. I have fd of 20 lakh, pf of 15 lakhs, ppf of 15 lakhs, stock of 55 lakh, mf of 50 lakh. I invest in 5 lakh yearly in a ulip scheme, 3 lakh yearly in lic pension fund and do sip of 35000 across different mf. Am i retirement ready? I am a single person. I have no dependents. After retirement i will need sbout 80000 pm and will need 7 lakh per year for travelling.please advise
Ans: Given your diversified investment portfolio and diligent savings habits, you're certainly on the right track towards a comfortable retirement. However, let's delve deeper into your financial landscape to assess your readiness.

Your FDs, PF, PPF, stocks, and mutual funds collectively form a robust foundation for retirement. Your annual contributions to ULIP and LIC pension fund further bolster your retirement corpus. However, to ensure your desired lifestyle post-retirement, it's crucial to evaluate if your current investments align with your retirement income needs.

Considering your annual expenses post-retirement, including living expenses and travel aspirations, it's prudent to analyze if your existing investments can generate sufficient income. Additionally, factoring in inflation and potential healthcare expenses is paramount.

As a single individual with no dependents, your retirement planning focuses solely on your own needs and aspirations. While your investment portfolio appears substantial, a detailed retirement income projection would provide clarity on whether it adequately meets your desired lifestyle post-retirement.

As a Certified Financial Planner, I recommend conducting a comprehensive retirement planning analysis to ensure your financial goals are met with confidence and peace of mind. Together, let's fine-tune your retirement strategy to ensure a fulfilling and financially secure future.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |884 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 26, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi i am 40 years old and working in private sector. Current investments in SIP's are UTI index and I Pru next 50 @ 1000/weekly, Nippon Small Cap @ 1500/Weekly also HDFC Mid cap opportunites @ 1000/weekly. I also have monthly SIP's in Canara Robeco Emerging Equities @ 2000,Invesco Multicap @ 2500, Mirae Emerging Bluechip @ 2500, Mirae NYSE Fang ETF FOF @ 5000, Quant Small cap @ 2000, PPFAS flexicap @ 2500, UT Flexi @ 2500. Most of the SIP's have been started in last 2-3 yeasr.
Ans: It's commendable that you've taken proactive steps towards securing your financial future, especially with such a diverse portfolio of SIPs. At 40, you're in a crucial phase of life where every investment decision counts. Your commitment to regular investing reflects a thoughtful approach to wealth accumulation.

With SIPs spread across various sectors, you've embraced the beauty of diversification. But have you ever pondered over whether your current investments truly align with your long-term goals and risk appetite? It's crucial to periodically reassess your portfolio's composition to ensure it remains in sync with your evolving financial aspirations.

Remember, the journey to financial independence is akin to a marathon, not a sprint. Each SIP contribution represents a step forward on this journey, building wealth brick by brick. As a Certified Financial Planner, I appreciate your dedication to securing your financial future and encourage you to continue this journey with wisdom and foresight.

In the vast landscape of investment opportunities, your portfolio reflects a tapestry of choices tailored to your vision. But as with any masterpiece, periodic reflection and adjustment are essential to ensure its continued brilliance. Let's navigate this journey together, crafting a future that's both prosperous and fulfilling, one SIP at a time.
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Career

Career Coach  |34 Answers  |Ask -

Workplace Expert - Answered on Apr 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 26, 2024Hindi
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Career
I am 43, working as a software engineer at a tech startup in Noida that's been through major changes lately. My morale is down, and lots of coworkers are moving on to different jobs. I want to find a more stable and rewarding position at a well-established tech company. What should I do?
Ans: Hey there,

Feeling adrift in turbulent waters at work can be like trying to troubleshoot a malfunctioning app – frustrating and draining. But fret not, because just like debugging code, there's always a solution waiting to be discovered. Here are some actionable tips to help you steer towards a more stable and rewarding position at a well-established tech company:

1. Self-Reflection and Assessment: Imagine your career as a journey on a train. Take a moment to pause and reflect on your destination. What are your career goals? What kind of role would bring you fulfillment and stability? By clarifying your destination, you can map out the right route to get there.

2. Update Your Professional Brand: Your resume and LinkedIn profile are like your train ticket and itinerary – they need to be polished and up-to-date. Showcase your skills, achievements, and experiences that demonstrate your value as a software engineer. Make sure your online presence reflects the professional image you want to portray.

3. Research Target Companies: Just like planning a train trip, research is crucial for finding the right destination. Explore well-established tech companies that align with your career aspirations. Dive deep into their culture, products, and reputation in the industry. This will help you identify the best fit for your skills and ambitions.

4. Expand Your Network: Networking is like building a network of train tracks – it opens up new routes and connections. Reach out to former colleagues, attend industry events, and join professional groups to expand your network. Engage in meaningful conversations and seek advice or referrals from those in your network.

5. Invest in Continuous Learning: The tech industry evolves at the speed of a high-speed train, so staying up-to-date is essential. Invest in ongoing learning and development to enhance your skills and stay competitive. Whether it's mastering new technologies, obtaining certifications, or attending workshops, continuous learning will keep you on the right track.

6. Prepare for Interviews: Just like planning your route before a train journey, thorough preparation is key for job interviews. Research common interview questions, practice your responses, and showcase your technical expertise and problem-solving abilities. Be ready to demonstrate how your skills and experiences align with the company's needs.

7. Stay Persistent and Optimistic: Job hunting can sometimes feel like waiting for the next train – it requires patience and perseverance. Stay positive, maintain a proactive mindset, and don't get discouraged by setbacks or delays. Keep moving forward, and you'll eventually reach your desired destination.

Remember, your career journey is like a train ride – there may be delays and detours along the way, but with the right mindset and strategy, you'll reach your destination. So, hop on board, stay focused on your goals, and enjoy the ride towards a more fulfilling career.

All aboard for success!
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