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Uncomfortable: Girlfriend travels, parties with male colleagues in Delhi

Kanchan Rai |606 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi

I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?

Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Anu Krishna | Answer |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 16, 2022

Question by A - May 16, 2022Hindi

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Dear Anu, my boyfriend and I are school mates. We studied in the same class. We have been in a relationship for more than 10 years and currently we are working.There is a girl in his life whom we know through common friends. Through one of his friends we got to know that there were a lot of rumours about my BF and her being together earlier. However my BF explained that he treats her like a sister and there is nothing between them.I got the same explanation from that girl as well. So I accepted their relationship stance and went ahead without any doubt.Right now our relationship is very less lively and sparkling. We spend less time together as we are committed in our work and trapped in debt too. Due to family responsibilities, he spends less time with me. He says he has lot of work and hardly meets me. I have been learning over the past few months that my bf and the girl are seemingly growing closer. She calls him daily to ask about his whereabouts and every detail of our life. She knows more about him than me. Recently my BF was out with his family and he was not reachable for a day.When he is out with family, I would give time to let him update me but the girl messaged me to check if my BF updated me where and what he is doing, whether he is safe or not and what time he will be back. For me this concern seems little fishy. Pls advice on this. I am thinking about talking to my BF. I need advice on how to manage the situation and get proper explanation out of it.

Ans:

Dear A,

What more does he need to do for you to see what he is worth at this moment?

Dilly-dallying in the current relationship by relying on external relationship, ain’t fun, yeah?

‘Sister’ is a convenient label used when a man isn’t sure about his feelings for her, or he is sure and doesn’t want his current partner (namely, you) to go nasty on him.

Why she is keen on his whereabouts is anyone’s guess! Did you tell her off and ask her to find out herself? What are you, a messenger between the two of them?

And when you do talk to him, ask him: where is his mind on your relationship and what he plans on telling his ‘sister’?

Oh and if his answers don’t satisfy you or he still comes across as evasive, you know what to do then.

All the best!

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Love Guru | Answer |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 08, 2021

Question by Aditya - Sep 08, 2021Hindi

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Dear Love Guru,Some of my closest friends are girls.My girlfriend was okay with it earlier, but she is getting too possessive now.She does not want me to hang out with my female friends but she is okay with my hanging out with my male friends.I don’t have a romantic interest in these girls and nor do they have a romantic interest in me.And I am not someone who will cheat.How do I convince her?Is this a good sign for the future?Aditya

Ans:

No, Aditya, it’s definitely not a good sign for the future. An overly possessive partner is a problem.

If she was okay with it earlier, she should be okay with it now.

You’re allowed to have friends of the opposite sex! And you shouldn’t have to convince her that you aren’t going to cheat on her; that means there is an inherent mistrust about you in her head already.

You can sit her down and speak to her about this problem.

If she’s willing to be reasonable about this, good for you. But from the sound of things, my hopes aren’t too high regarding this situation.

Just to be fair to her, however, I am going to put this out there -- I am assuming that you spend a reasonable amount of time with your girlfriend.

There are people who’d much rather be in the company of friends constantly and that is bound to upset their partners. So ensure that you’re spending enough quality time with her as well.

And if you are, and meeting your friends even a couple of times a month is still an issue, well, buddy, I’d say run for the hills.

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