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Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 08, 2021

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Aditya Question by Aditya on Sep 08, 2021Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Love Guru,
Some of my closest friends are girls.
My girlfriend was okay with it earlier, but she is getting too possessive now.
She does not want me to hang out with my female friends but she is okay with my hanging out with my male friends.
I don’t have a romantic interest in these girls and nor do they have a romantic interest in me.
And I am not someone who will cheat.
How do I convince her?
Is this a good sign for the future?
Aditya

Ans:

No, Aditya, it’s definitely not a good sign for the future. An overly possessive partner is a problem.

If she was okay with it earlier, she should be okay with it now.

You’re allowed to have friends of the opposite sex! And you shouldn’t have to convince her that you aren’t going to cheat on her; that means there is an inherent mistrust about you in her head already.

You can sit her down and speak to her about this problem.

If she’s willing to be reasonable about this, good for you. But from the sound of things, my hopes aren’t too high regarding this situation.

Just to be fair to her, however, I am going to put this out there -- I am assuming that you spend a reasonable amount of time with your girlfriend.

There are people who’d much rather be in the company of friends constantly and that is bound to upset their partners. So ensure that you’re spending enough quality time with her as well.

And if you are, and meeting your friends even a couple of times a month is still an issue, well, buddy, I’d say run for the hills.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 24, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 24, 2023Hindi
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Dear Mam, I have been in a relationship for four years now. We have had physical contact. relation .He loves me very much. But some girls who are friends often seem suspicious. For example, ask my boy if he can give me the dress he has put on. She gets jealous when she posts my photo. What is this.. (She is married.)
Ans: I understand that it can be challenging when jealousy arises in a long-term relationship, and it's important to address these concerns in a healthy and constructive way. In your situation, it's not uncommon for feelings of jealousy to emerge when it appears that other women are showing interest in your boyfriend, especially if they are married. Here are some insights and advice for handling this situation:

Open Communication: The key to resolving these feelings of jealousy is open and honest communication with your partner. Sit down and have a calm, non-confrontational conversation with your boyfriend about how you've been feeling. Express your concerns and let him know that you value his friendship with these women but that their actions have been making you uncomfortable.
Understanding Intentions: Ask your boyfriend about his interactions with these female friends. It's important to understand his perspective and intentions. It's possible that he's unaware of how these actions are affecting you, and he might be able to offer reassurance.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries that both you and your boyfriend are comfortable with regarding interactions with the opposite sex. Discuss what is acceptable and what is not. It's essential that both partners agree on these boundaries to ensure a healthy and trusting relationship.
Trust and Reassurance: Reiterate your trust in your boyfriend's love and commitment to you. If he reassures you that his feelings for you are strong and that these interactions are purely platonic, it's important to believe and trust him. Jealousy can erode trust, so it's crucial to maintain that trust in your relationship.
Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your own feelings of jealousy. Are there specific insecurities or past experiences that contribute to these emotions? Self-awareness can help you better understand and manage your feelings.
Support and Compromise: If these feelings persist and become a significant source of conflict in your relationship, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance, facilitate discussions, and offer strategies for both partners to manage jealousy and maintain a healthy relationship.
Remember that every relationship is unique, and it's essential to address jealousy and insecurities in a way that works for both you and your partner. Healthy communication, trust, and understanding can help you navigate these challenges and build a stronger, more resilient relationship.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 20, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 16, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Currently, I am in a relationship with my girlfriend for the past 5 months. I have been in love with her for the past 5 years and she has been aware about it. We had a love hate relationship for the last 5 years where she had also dated another guy for a year in the middle. But after getting into a relationship with her, she came to know that I had gone out with other girls, while I had claimed that I was in love with her and could not be with anyone else as a result. She is aware that since we were not together, I was allowed to hangout with other females and maybe get a bit physically close to them, but now she cannot wrap her mind around the fact that I did those. The thought of me with someone else disturbs her, and she has a pretty hard time trusting me. We have had discussions at length and I have assured her multiple times that I am not going to do anything of that sort anymore but nothing seems to dissolve her uncomfortability towards it. I do love her the most and do anything for her and want this to work out and she claims to love me a lot as well. What do I do? How can I make her trust me?
Ans: Dear Anonymous, Please understand that trust is a delicate aspect of any relationship, and rebuilding it requires time, patience, and consistent effort from both partners. It's important to create an environment where both of you feel secure and valued. You must have heard action speaks louder than words demonstrate through your actions that you are committed to the relation. If you've promised to change certain behaviors, make sure you follow through. Reassure her of your love and commitment. Continue to have open and honest conversations about your feelings, concerns, and the reasons behind your past actions. Encourage her to express her thoughts and emotions as well. Make sure she feels heard and understood.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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