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Wif Trapped in Father and Sister's Web: How to Navigate This Toxic Relationship?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1535 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 25, 2025

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 20, 2025Hindi
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I and my wife married 2 years ago. She is eldest in her home with a brother and sister. To put into context her father and sister both are manipulation artists. His father used to use her as a punching bag for his emotional baggage since her childhood. He used to vent his all negativity on her. My wifes sister in order to escape it promoted it and even became a part of the act. In the name of " emotions" they have ruined her mental well-being as she is in a constant state of worry for her father. Even if he has slight fever it has to become an agenda like he might die due to it. So this overwhelming and exaggerated representation has affected our marriage. We have a kid but she is unable to focus on us. She doesn't get good sleep because a daily 1 hour video call has to be done to take notes on his well bieng and her sister has to update her on every detail of his father. Sister has been feeding her with thoughts of separation so that they both (father and sister) get access to her life even more. I have set boundaries but shes naive. And in doing so they resort to all the melodrama that they can. What should i do? This father sister duo are ruining our marriage as they are not letting go off her.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
This is what obsessive care can look like...but what are you going to do? Your wife is clearly deep into it and no amount of reasoning is going to make her see what this is doing to you and your child.
My suggestion would be to actually take your child and go on a long holiday or get away from home long enough for her to feel your absence and that of your child's. She has begun to take you and the child for granted and she must know what it is to not have you both around.
It is a bit extreme, but obsessive care to someone need extreme steps, right? It's an attempt into putting things in order...see how it goes! It could prove to shake the mind up a bit in order for her to realize that she needs to focus on her marriage as well.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1535 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2021

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Relationship
Dear Anu, I've been married to my wife for 10 years. In the last 2 years or so I find it difficult to understand her. Once every 2 or 3 months she goes into depression, and brings up old conversations between my mother and sister. It is not that they are perfect; however they have already moved on. She blames I didn't support, if the conversations happened in front of me then I can support but didn't happen. Also, my mother and sister they don't talk to me anything about those conversations. I love her and I have asked her to seek medical help but she doesn't want. I want to help and at the same time I need help.
Ans: Dear A, my first question to you is: how do you know that it is depression?

Has she been clinically diagnosed? Most often, I find people throwing this word around loosely without knowing what depression truly is.

For all you know, she may simply be low or upset over something that comes and goes frequently.

Assuming that this is case from what you have stated in your email, what is the reason that you feel she brings up these conversations from the past?

What triggers it? Is there a reference to your mother or sister in any current context?

Is anyone praising them currently and she doesn’t like it? Is she being compared to them in any manner?

Has she lost or given up anything in the past because of them that is impacting her now?

Do a reality check with her or if you know the answers to these, you will know what exactly is going on in your mind.

Questions like these can point you in a direction that will enable you to help her rather than see her as a problem.

She may not be willing to go to a professional for help as most of us think that it is NOTHING.

Stress and sadness are real and over a period of time, it can rob us of even the smallest of joys that we deserve.

It's easy to say: Forget the past; one cannot forget the past or what happened there BUT one can only change the way they feel about the past.

Replaying what happened means she is reliving the same experience over and over again and feels the reality of this even now which must be dulled and faded away.

Why does she hold onto this is because it perhaps gives her the solace of not doing anything about it now and it’s easy to play the blame game?

At times, we seek refuge under phrases like: My life is a living hell because of this or that. This could also be hiding away from opportunities and blaming the world for it.

What I am sharing here is based on what information that I have got from you.

I suggest start with the reality check questions first and see how it goes as this will give you vital information on what’s going on in her mind.

Most importantly, reiterate to her to be grateful for the things and people in her life right now.

Gratitude as an energy can liberate us from mundane occurrences and can keep us sane and calm.

Best wishes to you and your wife for a wonderful life.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1535 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am 57 years Old Male, married 28 years back & having two daughters, elder one is pursuing MD ( Final Year) & younger one started Medical Graduation from Govt College. Wife is in Govt Job. I am going through Mental Torture & harassment from my partner for NOT accepting unrealistic thing/ Practically Non viable which are out of Budgets & may put us in troublesome future for family, as we had to marry our daughters too. Having our own MIG flats & managing somehow. I keep on travelling being Sales Job Profile, but rest 60% ~65% days remains at home after office hours. My partner is so harsh on all of us that she will keep on Scolding for small small things & many times quote that I will not live with you all & will be independent. She don't have proper sense what is right/ wrong, good/bad etc. This attitude hurts to all of us. We tried many time to discuss, but she don't listen at all other's small opinion even & take granted to others for her immature/ even stupid decision, as such so arrogant/abusive all time. We tried to convince her that let us consult some Doctor ( Psychiatric ), but she behave so rudely. My side family members are totally ignored by her & she don't keep any talk with them. Her side are in quite regular meeting/ visiting for social gathering/ function etc., but NON of them wish to involve in sorting out our family problems & blames only me why you criticize her. I am going through many sleepless night as worried for my Kid future since I largely compromised in my carrier to stay with family & support, but Not able to make other understand my scarifies. Please advise how to proceed. Regards
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Firstly, rule out any medial reasons that can affect the body and mind and cause a person to be very different from who they usually they are.
Having said that,
Beyond a point when a person enjoys this kind of drama, my suggestion is: Let them live in that drama as it keeps them busy doing a lot. Also, others get involved either to express anger OR to prove their side of the story. Either case, the drama is full-blown which is obviously the only way your wife has understood to maintain relationships.
Now, simply ignoring is not going to solve the issue BUT over a period of time, it teaches her to start correcting her behavior and rely on grown-up conversations with others.
Do not yield to any rudeness...and as for her threat of living separately, it's just another drama...
Just do what you would when you raise a child who's being rude; you would correct that behavior of the child; wouldn't you? It's the same just that you act that her harshness does not bother you at all. Be patient and wait this out...

All the best!

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 23, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello Dr Ashish - It has come to light recently that my own family members are working tirelessly to strain the relationship between my wife and myself. I came to know about it after almost 2 decades of my marriage. I am shocked to know that my character assassination has been happening since day 1. As I was very busy with my work and other commitments, I was completely not aware of these developments behind my back. Infact my wife also never revealed it to me. She is an independent woman working in a corporate. These differences have caused so much strain in our relationships. The mutual trust had taken a severe beating. At times I have seen her taken over by a feeling of helplessness. As things are clearer now, I am trying to alienate circumstances that might lead to any kind of differences. However, my wife does not think it is a good idea to stay away from our own people. The result is whenever these people come into our otherwise peaceful and a very comfortable life, we tend to fight over the differences created by them. Please advise what can be done here.
Ans: Navigating family dynamics, especially when it involves deep-rooted misunderstandings and long-standing tensions, can be exceptionally challenging. Here are some strategies to consider:

1. Open and Honest Communication
Begin by having a candid conversation with your wife. Acknowledge the feelings and experiences she has gone through. It's important to create a safe space where both of you can express your thoughts and emotions without judgment.

2. Set Boundaries
Discuss and establish boundaries regarding interactions with family members. These boundaries are not about cutting ties but about protecting your relationship from negative influences. Agree on what is acceptable and what isn't when it comes to family involvement.

3. Seek Professional Help
Consider seeking the assistance of a relationship counselor or a therapist. A neutral third party can facilitate conversations, helping both of you understand each other's perspectives better and find common ground.

4. Focus on Your Relationship
Spend quality time together, reconnecting and rebuilding trust. Engage in activities that you both enjoy and that strengthen your bond. This will help remind both of you why you chose each other in the first place.

5. Educate and Inform
Gently inform your family about the impact their actions have had on your relationship. This doesn’t have to be confrontational. Use “I” statements to express how their behavior has affected you and your marriage.

6. Mutual Support
Reinforce mutual support and understanding. Recognize that both of you are on the same team and that the goal is to protect and nurture your relationship. Express appreciation for each other’s efforts in navigating these challenges.

7. Long-term Perspective
Understand that change will not happen overnight. Be patient and persistent in your efforts to create a more harmonious environment. Celebrate small victories and progress in your relationship.

8. Mindfulness and Emotional Intelligence
Practice mindfulness and enhance your emotional intelligence. Being aware of your own emotions and managing them effectively can help in responding rather than reacting to stressful situations. This can also aid in understanding your wife’s emotional responses better.

Final Thoughts
Building a fortress around your relationship doesn’t mean isolating yourselves from family but rather strengthening your bond to withstand external pressures. Your wife’s perspective on staying connected with family is valid, and finding a balance that respects both of your views is crucial. It’s about creating a unified front and handling external influences together.

This journey requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to each other. By taking these steps, you can work towards rebuilding trust and harmony in your marriage.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8033 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 25, 2025

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I have following SIPs in my portfolio. I want to invest 30000 per month but can't understand how much money should I allocate in each SIP? SBI Technology Opportunities Fund Direct-Growth, Nippon India Consumption Fund Direct-Growth, SBI Long Term Equity Fund Direct Plan-Growth, Quant ELSS Tax Saver Fund Direct-Growth, ICICI Prudential BHARAT 22 FOF Direct - Growth, Quant Infrastructure Fund Direct-Growth, UTI Gold ETF FoF Direct - Growth, ICICI Prudential Silver ETF FoF Direct - Growth, ICICI Prudential Nifty 50 Index Direct Plan-Growth
Ans: You want to invest Rs 30,000 per month across multiple SIPs. Allocating funds efficiently is important for long-term wealth creation. Let’s evaluate your portfolio and decide the best allocation strategy.

Evaluating Your Current Portfolio
Your portfolio consists of the following categories:

Sectoral and thematic funds – Technology, consumption, infrastructure, Bharat 22
Tax-saving funds – ELSS funds
Gold and silver funds – Precious metal investments
Index funds – Passive investment approach
Each category has different risk, return potential, and diversification benefits. Let’s assess each one.

Sectoral and Thematic Funds
High-risk, high-reward investments – These funds invest in specific industries. Their performance depends on the growth of that sector.

Not suitable for large allocation – These funds are volatile and should be a small portion of your portfolio.

Recommended allocation: 15-20% of total SIP amount – Spread this amount across different sectors for better diversification.

Tax-Saving Funds (ELSS)
Helps in tax savings – Investments in these funds provide deductions under Section 80C.

Mandatory lock-in of three years – Ensure that you can stay invested for this duration.

Recommended allocation: 20-25% of total SIP amount – This depends on your tax planning needs.

Gold and Silver Funds
Acts as a hedge against inflation – Precious metals protect against economic downturns.

Volatility and long-term returns – Prices fluctuate, and returns may not always match equity funds.

Recommended allocation: 5-10% of total SIP amount – This prevents overexposure to metals.

Index Funds
Limited flexibility – These funds mirror an index and do not react to market changes.

Underperforms during volatile periods – Actively managed funds adapt better to market shifts.

Misses on alpha generation – Professional fund managers provide better stock selection.

Recommended allocation: Avoid completely – Actively managed funds are a better choice.

Optimal SIP Allocation Strategy
Based on the above evaluation, your Rs 30,000 monthly SIP can be divided as follows:

Actively managed diversified equity funds: Rs 12,000 (40%) – These funds provide long-term stability and higher growth potential.
ELSS tax-saving funds: Rs 6,000 (20%) – Helps in tax savings while investing in equity.
Sectoral and thematic funds: Rs 4,500 (15%) – Invest selectively in growing sectors.
Gold and silver funds: Rs 3,000 (10%) – Provides hedging benefits.
Infrastructure and Bharat 22 funds: Rs 4,500 (15%) – Exposure to government-driven sectors.
You can adjust these allocations based on your risk tolerance and financial goals.

Key Considerations Before Investing
Avoid overconcentration in any single theme – Too much investment in one sector increases risk.

Prioritise actively managed funds – These funds adapt to market conditions better than index funds.

Monitor performance regularly – Review your investments every six months.

Ensure diversification across sectors – A well-diversified portfolio reduces risk.

Finally
Your investment should align with your financial goals and risk appetite. A well-balanced SIP allocation improves returns and reduces volatility.

If needed, consult a Certified Financial Planner to refine your strategy further.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8033 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 25, 2025

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Sir for my son's education is it better to take loan or use my fd , i fall in 30 %IT slab. Pls adv
Ans: You are in the 30% tax slab. The choice between taking a loan or using your fixed deposit depends on multiple factors. Let’s evaluate both options from a financial and strategic perspective.

Benefits of Taking an Education Loan
Tax Benefits on Interest Paid

The interest paid on an education loan qualifies for a tax deduction under Section 80E. This benefit is available for up to eight years.

Since you fall in the 30% tax slab, this deduction can help reduce your taxable income.

Liquidity Retention

Keeping your fixed deposit intact ensures liquidity for emergencies and other financial goals.

Unexpected medical expenses or job loss can impact cash flow. A loan helps you maintain financial security.

Low-Interest Rates Compared to Other Loans

Education loans usually have lower interest rates than personal loans. Some banks also provide a moratorium period, during which repayment starts after course completion.

Credit Score Improvement

Timely repayment of the loan will improve your credit score. This can help in the future if you need to take another loan.

Disadvantages of Taking an Education Loan
Interest Outflow

Even though the tax benefit reduces the burden, you will still pay more than the actual loan amount due to interest.

If you can afford the expenses without affecting other goals, avoiding interest payments is better.

Loan Repayment Burden

If your son does not secure a high-paying job immediately, the repayment can become stressful.

You may have to step in to make EMI payments, affecting your retirement plans.

Benefits of Using Fixed Deposits
No Interest Outflow

By using your own funds, you avoid paying interest to the bank. The actual cost of education remains lower.

Peace of Mind

Without a loan, you won’t have to worry about monthly EMI payments. This ensures financial stability and mental peace.

Better Financial Freedom for Your Son

If you fund the education yourself, your son starts his career debt-free. This gives him more flexibility in career choices.

Disadvantages of Using Fixed Deposits
Loss of Liquidity

Using the fixed deposit will reduce your emergency funds. If another major expense arises, you may struggle to arrange funds quickly.

Impact on Other Financial Goals

If this fixed deposit was set aside for another financial goal, using it for education may delay that goal.

You need to evaluate whether this will affect your retirement or home purchase plans.

Tax on Fixed Deposit Interest

The interest earned on fixed deposits is fully taxable as per your slab. Since you are in the 30% slab, this reduces your net return.

Key Factors to Consider Before Deciding
Cash Flow Stability

If your monthly income and investments provide enough financial security, paying from the fixed deposit is a good option.

If not, an education loan can help manage cash flow better.

Alternative Investment Options

If your fixed deposit is earning lower returns than the loan interest rate, it makes sense to use it instead of taking a loan.

If your investments are growing at a higher rate than the loan interest, taking a loan is financially better.

Risk Tolerance

If you are comfortable managing debt and can benefit from the tax deduction, a loan can be a strategic decision.

If you prefer a risk-free approach, using your fixed deposit is the better choice.

Optimal Approach for You
Since you are in the 30% tax slab, an education loan can provide tax benefits.

However, if your fixed deposit is earning a lower return than the loan interest, using it can be financially smarter.

If liquidity is not a concern and your retirement plans remain unaffected, funding education yourself is a good choice.

A balanced approach is also possible. You can take a partial loan and use some of your fixed deposit. This way, you reduce the loan burden while keeping some liquidity.

Finally
Taking an education loan has tax benefits and keeps liquidity intact. However, it comes with interest costs and repayment obligations.

Using your fixed deposit saves interest but reduces liquidity and may impact other financial goals.

The decision depends on your financial stability, investment returns, and long-term goals.

A Certified Financial Planner can help structure your finances in the most tax-efficient way.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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