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Independent woman married for 20 years seeks advice on strained family relationship

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Ashish Sehgal has over 20 years of experience as a counsellor. He holds a doctorate in neuro linguistic programming, mental health and social welfare.He is certified in neurolinguistics by both the Society of NLP and the American Board of NLP.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 23, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello Dr Ashish - It has come to light recently that my own family members are working tirelessly to strain the relationship between my wife and myself. I came to know about it after almost 2 decades of my marriage. I am shocked to know that my character assassination has been happening since day 1. As I was very busy with my work and other commitments, I was completely not aware of these developments behind my back. Infact my wife also never revealed it to me. She is an independent woman working in a corporate. These differences have caused so much strain in our relationships. The mutual trust had taken a severe beating. At times I have seen her taken over by a feeling of helplessness. As things are clearer now, I am trying to alienate circumstances that might lead to any kind of differences. However, my wife does not think it is a good idea to stay away from our own people. The result is whenever these people come into our otherwise peaceful and a very comfortable life, we tend to fight over the differences created by them. Please advise what can be done here.

Ans: Navigating family dynamics, especially when it involves deep-rooted misunderstandings and long-standing tensions, can be exceptionally challenging. Here are some strategies to consider:

1. Open and Honest Communication
Begin by having a candid conversation with your wife. Acknowledge the feelings and experiences she has gone through. It's important to create a safe space where both of you can express your thoughts and emotions without judgment.

2. Set Boundaries
Discuss and establish boundaries regarding interactions with family members. These boundaries are not about cutting ties but about protecting your relationship from negative influences. Agree on what is acceptable and what isn't when it comes to family involvement.

3. Seek Professional Help
Consider seeking the assistance of a relationship counselor or a therapist. A neutral third party can facilitate conversations, helping both of you understand each other's perspectives better and find common ground.

4. Focus on Your Relationship
Spend quality time together, reconnecting and rebuilding trust. Engage in activities that you both enjoy and that strengthen your bond. This will help remind both of you why you chose each other in the first place.

5. Educate and Inform
Gently inform your family about the impact their actions have had on your relationship. This doesn’t have to be confrontational. Use “I” statements to express how their behavior has affected you and your marriage.

6. Mutual Support
Reinforce mutual support and understanding. Recognize that both of you are on the same team and that the goal is to protect and nurture your relationship. Express appreciation for each other’s efforts in navigating these challenges.

7. Long-term Perspective
Understand that change will not happen overnight. Be patient and persistent in your efforts to create a more harmonious environment. Celebrate small victories and progress in your relationship.

8. Mindfulness and Emotional Intelligence
Practice mindfulness and enhance your emotional intelligence. Being aware of your own emotions and managing them effectively can help in responding rather than reacting to stressful situations. This can also aid in understanding your wife’s emotional responses better.

Final Thoughts
Building a fortress around your relationship doesn’t mean isolating yourselves from family but rather strengthening your bond to withstand external pressures. Your wife’s perspective on staying connected with family is valid, and finding a balance that respects both of your views is crucial. It’s about creating a unified front and handling external influences together.

This journey requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to each other. By taking these steps, you can work towards rebuilding trust and harmony in your marriage.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2022

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Relationship
Dear Love Guru, My wife and I are in an arranged marriage since around 15 years and there is nothing that we celebrate about our relationship, except kids which are the only reason for our existing relations. I am working abroad and have visits for a month on vacation after every couple of months. After marriage, I noticed my wife’s flirting behaviour with strange men (to seduce) during many occasions but initially ignored it. However, I found it frustrating when I felt her to be habitual flirter. I then spoke to her, which was after around 2.5 years of our marriage, and she denied the matter. Soon noticing such perpetual habits about her, we went on for non-talking terms some time and then a storm broke out in our house. My parents and her parents supported her, since I couldn’t prove any of her behaviour. She has been lying since her behaviour was noticed and even after that, but my love for her and my child (at that time) made me feel that probably that I need to avoid any suspicious behaviour. Such storm was repeated even recently few years earlier. I had thought my idea of a second child would improve our relations, but it hasn’t helped. I could still notice her flirting behaviour with strangers and even with known personnel including my relatives. I even believe her to be in relationship with one of my cousins, based on my observations of their behaviour during our every meet, which I cannot speak of due to my previous experience and which will otherwise definitely terminate our relations. Actually, we are never on good terms these days whenever I visit home and mostly converse only if required. We are also not good in bed and I have also been feeling a low erectile in bed these days. These moments have affected me psychologically and I feel very negative about our relationship. My family remains my priority and I have been trying to see that we all are all happy as a family. I have even sacrificed my own family time for better earnings so that my family can get all the best in life. She takes good care of the children and manages the house nicely. I also ensure that we, as a family, go out on long journeys for travel and my children are everything for me. I have trying to cope up with all this by focusing on work and socialising with friends to the best extent possible. However, her behaviour (in spite of my presence) makes me feel negative. How can I deal with the matter since any re-attempt on my part to speak on the same matter, even if cordially, with my wife will create another storm like earlier? I wish to sort out the differences and need your advice. Should we meet a counsellor separately on this to sort out the matter? Keep me anonymous and respect my privacy.
Ans:

You’ve been sweeping the same issues your marriage has faced from the very beginning under the carpet for 15 years. Why?

And instead of addressing the issues, you decided to go ahead and have a second child?

Having a child is a joy in itself, but it is never the solution to marital woes; in fact, in most cases it only exacerbates the problem.

From everything you’ve told me, you seem to come across as an insecure husband.

I’m not saying that what you’ve told me is untrue, but you keep suspecting your wife of flirting with random men and have no proof of it.

Both sides of the family support her and let me tell you, unless she is a master of deception, no one can conceal their true nature so well from everyone else for the better part of two decades.

Maybe what you construe as flirting is simply her being friendly? Maybe you’re just not comfortable with the manner in which she interacts with other men?

Have you ever managed to prove her inappropriate relations? And when you accuse her, she blows up at you... a guilty party would not react in so volatile a manner.

I do think marital counselling is in order. And yes, maybe separately at first and then together.

Contact a good therapist and do it sooner rather than later... 15 years has been long enough!

 

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 11, 2023

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Relationship
Hello Sir/ Ma'am I am 43 in the teaching profession based in Guwahati and had a late marriage at 40 years with a teacher girl aged 5 years younger to me. We have a 2.5 years old cute male child and I love my wife.But my in-laws have insulted my parents and my wife's 3 sisters interferes too much in our personal life and strangely my wife has turned a blind eye to all these.For example recently wife's younger sister texted me "are you nuts" which is not acceptable as I am elder. Things are going for the worse now. My patience is being tested. Please help.
Ans: It's understandable that you're feeling frustrated and upset about the situation with your in-laws and your wife's sisters. It can be difficult to navigate family dynamics, especially when there are conflicts and misunderstandings involved.

First and foremost, it's important to communicate your feelings to your wife in a calm and respectful manner. Let her know how her family's behavior is affecting you and your relationship, and encourage her to work with you to establish healthy boundaries with her family.

It's also important to set clear boundaries with your in-laws and your wife's sisters. Let them know that their behavior is not acceptable and that you expect to be treated with respect. Be firm but polite, and try to avoid escalating the situation with anger or aggression.

If the situation continues to escalate or you feel like you're not able to resolve the conflicts on your own, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a professional counselor or mediator. They can provide you with strategies for managing difficult family dynamics and help you and your wife work together to strengthen your relationship.

Remember that building strong, healthy relationships takes time and effort. It's important to be patient and persistent, and to continue to communicate openly and honestly with your wife and her family.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1572 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 04, 2024

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Relationship
Hi Anu Kindly refer to my earlier question and your answer. In july 2023, she came to my office and literally touched my feet and apologized to me for her wrongdoings, like talking to my wife and further character assassination. She told me that all people are lying to me. I forgave to her and thought that she is possessive and in her possessiveness, she took that step. From july 2023 till June, 2024, she continued to put various allegations on me that I have a affair with my office staff etc. I blocked her so many times in past one year, but she used to come to me through various persons. I told her many times that if she has any proof of my affair, show to me and i would explain to you. But she used to say sorry and reunite. In june, 2024, she again levelled allegation on me that I am having affair with my friends wife and again, she informed this to my wife that I am having affair with various women and she used to give me money and gave various household items to me. She also informed my wife about our personal things to my wife. In short, she tried to ruin my respect, my family. In wife became quite depressive on hearing these things. I totally blocked her from my phone and she is continuing to call my friends and assassinating my character. My friends know me quite well. When my wife tried to backfire on her, like contacting her relative on facebook, inquiring about her whereabouts, she suddenly took a U turn and said to my friend that I should stop my wife, else she would be thrown out of her house (she is a widow). I would never forgive her nor would return to her. I invested around 7 lakhs on building a house on collaboration with her and in her distress time, i used to take care of her and her house, like providing ration to her, giving her money to run household chores, paying her electricity bill etc. But i came to conclusion that she was just using me. If she would have really loved me, she couldt try to destroy me reputation and my family. But even after this, I never contacted her and tried to ruin her.
Ans: Dear Harish,
When you asked for help in your first question, it only meant you wanted to get out of this sticky situation. Now, I am happy that you were able to realize that she was using you. Hope you have decided to keep her at a distance from you and the family. When you started to dream of a parallel life with her and spend money to construct a home etc, you were again running away from your marriage and trying you luck elsewhere. Do try and give your marriage a fair chance and now that your wife knows most of it, do start on a clean state if that's what she wishes to as well. Thank you for sharing...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Dr Nagarajan Jsk

Dr Nagarajan Jsk   |305 Answers  |Ask -

NEET, Medical, Pharmacy Careers - Answered on Mar 29, 2025

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Career
What are the chances to get merit out in afcat for flying branch if you've cleared all stages till medical but with a slightly average written marks?
Ans: Hi Gaurav,
Greetings.
Whenever we decide to take an entrance exam, it’s important to review the guidelines thoroughly. Like other entrance exams, CDAC has provided details on their website regarding the examination process. Admission is based on the vacancies available in the respective areas, and candidates will be admitted after a proper evaluation.

As you mentioned, there are several stages that candidates must clear for admission, if a candidate achieves average marks (Point 8a. (v) In order to rationalise the marks scored by candidates appearing in different shifts in an objective manner through a statistical method, before declaration of result marks scored by candidates will be Normalised based on the formula ), it can be challenging to predict their likelihood of admission. The Air Force has the discretion to set qualifying marks for any or all subjects of the examination. Below are points extracted from CDAC to provide more clarity about the admission process.

Sometimes, they may even consider a second cut-off if necessary ( Based on organizational requirements, IAF may impose a second cut-off for particular branch and call additional eligible candidates for SSB testing. These candidates will be shortlisted purely based on order of merit for the particular branch. That particular branch should be one of the choices submitted by the candidate at the time of registration. The candidature of candidates thus shortlisted, will be valid for that particular branch only and not for any other branch. In the overall Order of Merit, they will be placed below the last candidate qualifying the First AFCAT cut off marks {Para 9(a) above}. If successful in the selection process, these candidates will be inducted into that particular branch only, subject to vacancies and order of merit. These candidates would be required to submit an undertaking to this effect).

So,If you've decided to pursue this path, then proceed with thorough preparation.

BEST OF LUCK.
POOCHO. LIFE CHANGE KARO!

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |4401 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Mar 29, 2025

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My daughter scored 94.62 percentile in IIT JEE mains exam 2025 session 1. She belongs to general category. Which colleges she have chances to get admission
Ans: Dr, Here is, How to Predict Your Daughter's Chances of Admission into NIT or IIIT or GFTI After JEE Main Results – A Step-by-Step Guide

Once the January JEE Main session results are declared, many students and JEE applicants start asking common questions about eligibility for specific institutes (NITs, IIITs, GFTIs, etc.) based on their percentile, category, preferred branch, and home state.

Providing precise admission chances for each student can be challenging. Some reputed educational websites offer ‘College Predictor’ tools where you can check possible college options based on your percentile, category, and preferences. However, for a more accurate understanding, here’s a simple yet effective 9-step method using JoSAA’s past-year opening and closing ranks. This approach gives you a fair estimate (though not 100% exact) of your admission chances based on the previous year’s data.

Step-by-Step Guide to Check Your Daughter's Admission Chances Using JoSAA Data
Step 1: Collect Your Daughter's Key Details
Before starting, note down the following details:

Her JEE Main percentile
Her category (General-Open, SC, ST, OBC-NCL, EWS, PwD categories)
Preferred institute types (NIT, IIIT, GFTI)
Preferred locations (or if you're open to any location in India)
List of at least 3 preferred academic programs (branches) as backups (instead of relying on just one option)
Step 2: Access JoSAA’s Official Opening & Closing Ranks
Go to Google and type: JoSAA Opening & Closing Ranks 2024
Click on the first search result (official JoSAA website).
You will land directly on JoSAA’s portal, where you can enter your details to check past-year cutoffs.
Step 3: Select the Round Number
JoSAA conducts five rounds of counseling.
For a safer estimate, choose Round 4, as most admissions are settled by this round.
Step 4: Choose the Institute Type
Select NIT, IIIT, or GFTI, depending on your preference.
If you are open to all types of institutes, check them one by one instead of selecting all at once.
Step 5: Select the Institute Name (Based on Location)
It is recommended to check institutes one by one, based on your preferred locations.
Avoid selecting ‘ALL’ at once, as it may create confusion.
Step 6: Select Her Preferred Academic Program (Branch)
Enter the branches you are interested in, one at a time, in your preferred order.
Step 7: Submit and Analyze Results
After selecting the relevant details, click the ‘SUBMIT’ button.
The system will display Opening & Closing Ranks of the selected institute and branch for different categories.
Step 8: Note Down the Opening & Closing Ranks
Maintain a notebook or diary to record the Opening & Closing Ranks for each institute and branch you are interested in.
This will serve as a quick reference during JoSAA counseling.
Step 9: Adjust Your Expectations on a Safer Side
Since Opening & Closing Ranks fluctuate slightly each year, always adjust the numbers for safety.
Example Calculation:
If the Opening & Closing Ranks for NIT Delhi | Mechanical Engineering | OPEN Category show 8622 & 26186 (for Home State), consider adjusting them to 8300 & 23000 (on a safer side).
If the Female Category rank is 34334 & 36212, adjust it to 31000 & 33000.
Follow this approach for Other State candidates and different categories.
Pro Tip: Adjust your expected rank slightly lower than the previous year's cutoffs for realistic expectations during JoSAA counseling.

Can This Method Be Used for JEE April & JEE Advanced?
Yes! You can repeat the same steps after your April JEE Main results to refine your admission possibilities.
You can also follow a similar process for JEE Advanced cutoffs when applying for IITs.

Want to Learn More About JoSAA Counseling?
If you want detailed insights on JoSAA counseling, engineering entrance exams, preparation strategies, and engineering career options, check out EduJob360’s 180+ YouTube videos on this topic!

Hope this guide helps! All the best for your daughter's admissions!

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