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Confused in Chennai: Valentine's Surprise Turns Sour

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |545 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 17, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 14, 2025Hindi
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I wanted to surprise my girlfriend on Valentine's Day so I booked a flight from Chennai and reached her office late evening yesterday. We had a small argument but she continued to text me throughout the week so I didn't bother. When I reached her office, she had left early. I saw bouquets and gifts on her desk from a guy named Amit. She has never mentioned this name before. I called her to talk, she declined my call and sent a message saying she is busy at work. The receptionist told me she left early with her colleague. I am a bit shocked and don't know how to react to all this. I haven't told her yet that I was in her office.

Ans: It’s understandable that this situation would leave you feeling unsettled, especially with the unanswered questions swirling in your mind. Before jumping to conclusions, take a moment to gather your thoughts. It's easy for our minds to race to the worst-case scenario, but sometimes things aren't as they initially seem.

You should have an honest and calm conversation with her. It might be tempting to confront her right away, but giving yourself a little time to cool off will help you approach the conversation with a clearer mind. When you do talk to her, try to avoid sounding accusatory, as this could make her defensive. Instead, share how you feel and what you observed. You could say something like, "I wanted to surprise you and came to your office, but I noticed some things that confused me. Can we talk about it?" This approach keeps the focus on your feelings and invites her to explain without feeling attacked.

Be prepared for any outcome, but also be open to hearing her side of the story. The name Amit might have an innocent explanation, or it could reveal something deeper. Either way, her reaction and how she communicates with you will tell you a lot about where you stand in the relationship. Regardless of the outcome, it's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being. If you need support or just someone to vent to, reach out to trusted friends or family members.

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Love Guru

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Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 07, 2022

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Dear Love Guru, I am working in an educational Institute where I am a non-teaching staff. Out of many staff members, I liked one married lady faculty. She always laughs when I crack jokes. She talks nicely with me. So I am waiting for a chance to impress her and propose her. After so many waiting months, I got a chance. Her payment cheque was with me for delivery so I called her at a place which is near to her home. There, I asked her a coffee in a hotel. She immediately agreed. So we go to nearby hotel and have a lot of general discussion for one hour. At the end of it, I gave her one yellow rose as a good friend to start the friendship. After 2-3 days, I again called her to meet me in a hotel for coffee. She first said yes and after one hour she refused to meet me. After that, she stopped talking with me and blocked me from WhatsApp, phones and other things. She is avoiding me continuously due to which I have gone into depression. Love Guru, please tell me where I went wrong.
Ans:

Oh, I’ll tell you where you went wrong alright -- by trying to pursue a married woman!

Just because she is nice to you and laughs at your jokes does not mean she’s romantically interested in you. And maybe she realised that you’re in it for more than friendship and decided to cut things off right there.

I would suggest you behave appropriately, keep your distance and look for a relationship elsewhere.

I need not remind you that it’s also your job on the line if she complains of sexual harassment at your workplace.

Look elsewhere, there are plenty of fish in the sea!

 

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |528 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 22, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 21, 2023Hindi
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Hi Ravi, I am currently in relationship of almost 7 years but after the COVID there was some conflict or no contact with my partner just because of a scenario. I always used to order some food for her at his flat. Let me clear one things we were in a long term relationship that time. So I ordered food and she got the order then called me in the night with a different voice tone, I said yes then It felt odd. Then she said someone is here I will call you back. Then she didn't so I called her after 2 hour she rejected and after sometime messaged me on whatsapp that deleted everything our chats and conversation because she caught by his brother (who is 10 years older than her), she told me to not contact her she will call or message only. I got scared I deleted all chats because her brother is so rude and arrogant. After 10 days she called me and said we are not going further with this relationship now on we will not be in touch, I was devastated by listening these things so I tried my best to make her understand that I will talk to your parents or brother but she denied NO and said I will again talk with bro. After these scenario she tried not to contact me and I kept trying to reach out to her via messanger because she has blocked me from everywhere. I cried alot in first 2 month then I started to link all those things that she said and try to find out the matter ( note - she got lot of friends) so I found that she in her flat then I got the tickets and go there to see what is happening I waited for the whole day then in the evening I go upstairs and open the doors, she got scared h and stunned by seeing me and I saw a guy in the flat they having hookah then I said give me my stuff and ask her to talk for the final tine 10 min downstairs. She said not now then didn't came. I took my stuff nd leave the next day I tried to over come this situation nd reaching out to his bro but didn't get connected. She also called me the next day nd her frnd but I was not able to talk. After we got disconnected for sometime. And I am a person who always wanted to know the truth behind the things because I can't live with these traumas in my mind so I tried contacting her asked lot of time why did you do that nd all but kept denying that he is just a friend. After sometime on day she came with sone massages nd saying my mom is not good nd there is nothing going well in my house plss sorry nd all so I took it normally but after sometime we got attracted again little bit then realise that we can try atleast once to be together. I know she loves me but I don't like her priorities she always put his frnds over me. Idk what to do pls tell me the way to cop up with this thing. Also I still have in mind that she has something to tell me about that boy but not telling me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand how challenging it must be for you; I get that you are considering giving it another shot, but please be careful. If there is any doubt, anything at all, do address that right now before you are knee-deep in the relationship again. I suggest you tell your partner to first sit and clear out everything that happened before you two broke up and explain how you need a clean slate and for that, you have to know the truth.

If you suspect cheating in the past breakup, be cautious about getting back together and thinking it through. Do you want to patch things up because you love her or is the idea of being together again more comfortable than the idea of having to move on? We go back to the same person, even if it's toxic for us because there's comfort in familiarity, not because it's the best choice. It's time for introspection. Also, don't feel guilty about saying no to getting back together if it's not the right decision for you. Whether it was family issues or infidelity, she chose what seemed best for her at the time, and it's okay for you to do the same.

Best Wishes!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1527 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 08, 2024

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Hi Maam, I am in a process of awaiting divorce from my wife and now I am in a relationship with my previous girlfriend.She is also in a process of awaiting divorce from court.We are in touch from a year ago and we both are planning to marry and everything was working fine but suddenly there are so much misunderstandings happened as she is observing my belonging things (Bags,tiffin,etc.)in my absense and I found an old lemon wrapped in paper in my bag.She is confused whether to proceed for marriage or not as I think.I have doubt whether she has got any option for marry as she is continuously busy on call and messages from a few days ago.We also decided to talk face to face and clear misunderstandings but due to her birthday came today we have postponed the meeting.We are working in same office as I have joined her in my office per my reference. Please help me know what decision I should take about my life.I dont want to lose her as she is my first love which came in my life twice.Hoping for a effective suggestion.
Ans: Dear Prasad,
Past relationships may not necessarily be the same in the present. People change, situations change...
What would she get by 'observing' your belongings? I don't understand that!
If she is still unsure whether to go ahead with you or not, then you may just be another option for her to choose from. I suggest that you stop being too available to her and then watch...Allow her to feel your absence and this will make her appreciate your presence in her life. This will help her realize your value...Otherwise, just on a whim, she might decide and marry you when you never gave her a chance to know your worth!
Take a PAUSE, be a little unavailable and then watch how she responds to it...If she is truly in love with you, I am sure she will do what it takes to appreciate you and also learn to understand what she wants for herself in life.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1527 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 25, 2024Hindi
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Hi Anu, Im a returning NRI post 20 years having lived abroad. Wasnt sure if I would ever have come on this platform but yes I have . I have been involved with a girl in India for the past 6 years , we both are in our end 40's shes 47 and i will be turning 50 next year. On my bi annual visits we have been meeting, getting physical and share almost everything. There was nothing hidden between us, frank discussions about life, menopause, family issues, support for each other and a lot of love flowing, gifts exhanged both ways , always there for each other and so on. For the past 5 years she was out of a job but now has started working again since the past 7 months or so. Happy for her. I made a decision to take early retirement and head back home , a purely personal choice and spend more time with her. Its just that now when im back and expressed my desire to visit her , i feel shes a bit hesitant, we stay in different cities. I was pretty stunned when I initially planned to see her around the christmas week but she cited follow up prayers for a close family member who had passed away a couple of years back and her unavailabilty. Moreso the dates I had proposed she was unsure of committing time during that period and I let it pass. I was pleasantly surprised and also hurt that during those specific days , shes taking off for a short vacation citing she needs to recharge. Not sure what I should make out of this. Our conversations since my return have been short, messaging not that frequent but overall i feel the thrill that used to be there earlier is missing from her end. I cant understand -:), all was good till a month back. Simply put I dont wanna confront her, its her life after all but just need some advise : is this normal hormonal changes or do u feel its something more and I shud let go. Yeah I know its gonna be difficult for me but some closure I need.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your partner/lady seems to be one of those who is happy with a virtual relationship and all the perks in it. It gets easy as there is no commitment within that relationship; at least that's how it reads to me from your post.
It's possible that in her mind she must have thought that the long distance thing works better. Now that you are back, it's possible that you might ask her that the two of you move things further as in a COMMITMENT.
So, maybe you must initiate a conversation with her and be very clear as to what you want from her and the relationship. And also listen patiently to what she has to say. She may not want to pursue a commitment and this is something that you must prepare yourself to hear!
Is this all stemming from a hormonal change? Well, it's strange because a month back things were all good; so where were these hormonal changes back then? So, no...Do have that honest conversation and see where it goes...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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