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Confused NRI returning home after 20 years - relationship issues?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1437 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 25, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hi Anu, Im a returning NRI post 20 years having lived abroad. Wasnt sure if I would ever have come on this platform but yes I have . I have been involved with a girl in India for the past 6 years , we both are in our end 40's shes 47 and i will be turning 50 next year. On my bi annual visits we have been meeting, getting physical and share almost everything. There was nothing hidden between us, frank discussions about life, menopause, family issues, support for each other and a lot of love flowing, gifts exhanged both ways , always there for each other and so on. For the past 5 years she was out of a job but now has started working again since the past 7 months or so. Happy for her. I made a decision to take early retirement and head back home , a purely personal choice and spend more time with her. Its just that now when im back and expressed my desire to visit her , i feel shes a bit hesitant, we stay in different cities. I was pretty stunned when I initially planned to see her around the christmas week but she cited follow up prayers for a close family member who had passed away a couple of years back and her unavailabilty. Moreso the dates I had proposed she was unsure of committing time during that period and I let it pass. I was pleasantly surprised and also hurt that during those specific days , shes taking off for a short vacation citing she needs to recharge. Not sure what I should make out of this. Our conversations since my return have been short, messaging not that frequent but overall i feel the thrill that used to be there earlier is missing from her end. I cant understand -:), all was good till a month back. Simply put I dont wanna confront her, its her life after all but just need some advise : is this normal hormonal changes or do u feel its something more and I shud let go. Yeah I know its gonna be difficult for me but some closure I need.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your partner/lady seems to be one of those who is happy with a virtual relationship and all the perks in it. It gets easy as there is no commitment within that relationship; at least that's how it reads to me from your post.
It's possible that in her mind she must have thought that the long distance thing works better. Now that you are back, it's possible that you might ask her that the two of you move things further as in a COMMITMENT.
So, maybe you must initiate a conversation with her and be very clear as to what you want from her and the relationship. And also listen patiently to what she has to say. She may not want to pursue a commitment and this is something that you must prepare yourself to hear!
Is this all stemming from a hormonal change? Well, it's strange because a month back things were all good; so where were these hormonal changes back then? So, no...Do have that honest conversation and see where it goes...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |120 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 29, 2024
Relationship
Hello Dr.Ashish, I'm married, 45 years self employed man. There was batch mate in my college, whom i was in love with. Due to some misunderstanding, we stopped talking for some time and I moved to other city for my job, but kept meeting her during my visits. I told everything i felt about her but she never accepted or refused. In general she used to tell everyone that she will never get married and she is aversive to physical relationship. Later on every 5 years or so we used to get in touch with each other and continue talking to each other and reach to a level where my feelings were at peak and then she will refuse or fight to move away.This was till I got married. After, 6 years of my marriage once we met in a shopping mall, in some other country, and exchanged pleasantries as well as contact; then started talking again. My marriage was/is a hell, so i had more to share with her, and she showed genuine interest in listening and advising. During this conversation our future also came in to discussion, due to extensive flashback discussion about our old times. She remembered every small big things except any event, where she has shown interest in our future together at personal level, but discussion of professional level association was intact. Eventually, one day she confirmed on we to be together, but not to over celebrate it and let it grow and work on execution ...means divorce part. There was an extreme sad event in my family, besides my daughter of 5 years, hence i had to postpone my divorce for sometime so that, family doesn't get two shocks at same time. In the mean time, we continued talking with each other and after 5-6 months, her statements started changing about future, and eventually she said there is no future and i cant talk to you since, you always bring romance in our conversation and I'm aversive to sex/love/romance type discussions. Then we again drifted apart for an year; and, this coming close to move away, happened 3 times in last two years. Recently we started again speaking and got in to business assignment together, and i decided not to bring personal discussions in between and maintained for a while, but then she was more caring and inquisitive about my personal things; and, when I slightly changed the tone then she becomes distant. I love her like anything ...have been in this relationship selflessly and never misbehaved except one time, i.e. college time our first fight. She takes her liberty to get angry at me, if the conversation is little disturbing for her. She is very strong in controlling her emotions and blocking herself from calling anyone she is angry with. She always more male friends with whom she will be very close and then starts talking negative about closest one. As per her she has not been in any romantic relationship ever, but when I look back we had our share of emotional moments though not physical ones. Every time patch up is done by me. During discussions it will come out that she was thinking of me but knew that i will come around. So far emothional part was always brought from my side and her side was little in more out types. I had this wish to be with her and take care of her since she is still unmarried and has health issues , ailing parents and one divorced brother. She is an enterprenure and I'm helping her with her business and she happily takes support from as its her right over me. I would like to take your opinion over the situation.
Ans: Thank you for sharing your deeply personal and intricate story. It's clear you’ve been carrying a significant emotional burden for many years. Your feelings of love, loyalty, and care for this woman are evident, but so too is the confusion and pain that this dynamic has caused. Let’s unravel this situation and explore possible paths forward.

Key Dynamics in Your Relationship
Patterns of Push and Pull:
This relationship seems to follow a cycle—closeness, emotional highs, and eventual withdrawal on her part. This push-and-pull dynamic can leave you feeling emotionally drained, constantly seeking validation and clarity from her while she retains control over the connection.

Her Stance on Romance:
She has repeatedly expressed aversion to romance, physical intimacy, or traditional ideas of love. Her actions may sometimes seem contradictory, but they align with her overall stance of maintaining control and boundaries that she’s comfortable with, even if it leaves you confused or hurt.

Your Role in the Dynamic:
You’ve shown immense patience, persistence, and care. However, it appears that you are consistently the one initiating reconnection, expressing emotions, and hoping for a future together. This imbalance may leave you feeling unfulfilled and questioning your self-worth.

Her Emotional Independence:
While she allows you into her professional life and accepts your support, she seems emotionally guarded, preferring to dictate the terms of the relationship. This indicates her desire to maintain independence, possibly due to personal values or past experiences.

Impact on You:
Being caught in this cycle for years has likely affected your emotional health, relationships, and sense of clarity. While you care deeply for her, the relationship seems to take more from you than it gives in return.

Questions to Reflect On
What Do You Truly Want?
Beyond your love for her, consider what you genuinely want and need in a relationship. Is it emotional reciprocity, stability, or clarity? Does this relationship align with those needs?

How Does This Dynamic Affect You?
Reflect on how the constant back-and-forth impacts your mental and emotional well-being. Are you truly happy, or are you clinging to the idea of what this relationship could be, rather than what it is?

What Role Do You Play in This Cycle?
Consider if your persistence is enabling this pattern. While your love and patience are admirable, they may also allow the dynamic to continue without resolution.

Recommendations
Establish Emotional Boundaries:
Protect your emotional energy by defining clear boundaries. For example, limit how much you give—emotionally or professionally—without receiving anything meaningful in return.

Communicate Differently:
The next time you speak with her, try expressing your feelings calmly and clearly, focusing on your needs. For example:

“I care deeply for you, but I feel our dynamic leaves me confused and emotionally drained. I need clarity about our relationship and whether we can truly have a future together.”
Detach with Care:
If her actions consistently indicate she cannot meet your emotional needs, it may be time to step back. Detachment doesn’t mean you stop caring; it means prioritizing your well-being and allowing space for clarity.

Focus on Yourself:
Your marriage, business, and emotional health are significant aspects of your life that need your attention. Consider working on your own happiness and independence outside this relationship. Seek counseling if needed to process the complexities of your feelings.

Recognize Patterns:
Notice the recurring themes in her behavior—shifting her stance, maintaining emotional distance, and expecting you to initiate reconciliation. Understanding these patterns can help you decide how much more you’re willing to invest emotionally.

A Gentle Reminder
Love and care are valuable gifts, but they must be balanced with mutual respect, clarity, and emotional safety. If a relationship consistently leaves you feeling unfulfilled or uncertain, it’s worth considering whether it’s meeting your deeper needs.

You deserve a relationship where your love and efforts are reciprocated. Take time to reflect and prioritize your well-being. If you need more guidance or a sounding board, I am here to support you.

Warm regards,
Ashish Sehgal

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1437 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 01, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu, I met a women through a matrimonial site. I live abroad and she lives in India. I am 42 and she is 40 years old. We spoke for about 6 months. Then I came to India. Spent some time together and even met the parents. We both like each other. And have the blessings of the parents. But the problem is distance. I am very close to attaining citizenship. But still see that the process and getting an OCI could take at least 2 years. She has a good job with the central government in India. She has decent career prospects, in the country where I live. She was not interested in marrying anyone living abroad. But she had come to where I live for a short diploma course, and was okay in talking with me. When I met her parents, they were also okay with her moving abroad. So far things have been good, but now we are trying to fix the dates for marriage, and trying to solve the long distance issue. I suggested that she take a sabbatical and spend some time, or if possible pursue higher education, so she need not leave her job in India. Given her current background she also has good career prospects already. However she panics now every time I try to breach this topic. She is scared even to research n life abroad, and now she feels it is better we break up. She admits that , she is a chronic overthinker, I have been very careful in dealing with difficult topics. She has had a relatively easy life, whereas I have dealt with lots of personal and professional setbacks. It is really difficult to connect with someone, irrespective of age. I have worked for 18 years in India, and not keen to go through the toxic culture and harsh life. She is okay with me retiring. she has a transferable job in India, so even in India we might struggle to be together. But I wonder if later this might cause issues. Also, I have a widowed mother. My mother also prefers that I live abroad, as she feels I am more, happy healthy and have time for her. I was diabetic in India, and am now off medicines , after moving abroad. I am wondering how to approach this.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Obviously the two of you look at things very differently in terms of the location and where to be settled.
So, either accept the differences or compromise on them. Accepting would mean, then living in two different locations...a lot of couples have done this and it works beautifully provided there is mutual understanding that this life will come with challenges when you miss one another and need each other's support.
Compromising would mean one of you will wake up one day and possibly not like situation and blame the other and then a huge tale continues from thereon which can lead to irreconcilable differences.

So, talk and talk a lot and talk about how either decision will impact your lives. Then take a stand and make a decision...One person can't want everything and have everything the way he/she wants, right? There are a few gains and a few losses and such is Life!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |505 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 16, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am 31 years old and have been married for 6 years. My relatives keep pressuring me and scaring me, saying that I haven’t had a child yet and that I should have one now. However, we are not financially prepared at the moment. We have just bought a house, and the loans have recently started, which exhausted all our savings for the down payment. My husband’s family had a very weak financial background. They had nothing, and he struggled a lot, even living in someone else’s house to complete his education. Only he knows how hard it was. Now, his salary has improved, and I am also employed. Additionally, we are entirely responsible for my in-laws, as my husband’s elder brother neither got married nor provides any support for the parents. We are under a lot of pressure right now, but everyone just keeps asking us when we are going to have a child. I’ve seen how my husband struggled with limited finances when the family was financially weak, and I don’t want to show such hardships to our children. On top of that, I am overweight and focused on losing weight to ensure I can be healthy. I feel very stressed and confused, but my husband is fully supportive of me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
First of all, I am really glad that you are being so responsible and practical, rather than making such life-changing decisions based on emotions alone. Second, don't worry about other's opinions; they might have your best interest at heart, but this should be solely your decision. You should have a child only when you are ready to have one- both mentally, physically, and financially. And no hard and fast rule says you should have a child within a certain year of your marriage. Two people in a marriage is a whole family too; a child can add to the joy if that is what you want. But if not, your family is still complete. Please remember that.

Take care of your health and your mind. If you are worried about your age, you can always go see a doctor and see how many years you can delay this. Rushing is never a good idea.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Radheshyam

Radheshyam Zanwar  |1144 Answers  |Ask -

MHT-CET, IIT-JEE, NEET-UG Expert - Answered on Jan 16, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
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Career
I'm a bsc botany graduate and now got admission and doing msc. I'm in first year and just gave my 1st semester exam but somehow now i feel i can't do botany at all its not just in my interest. I can't continue further with it as i dont think there's much scope too. I have interest in fields like geography or law related subjects. I'll be attempting for upsc too this year and also had a second thought to go for Law. Should i drop the msc? ....I've cried a lot thinking about that and its affecting my mental health too.
Ans: Hello dear.
First I would like to suggest that, in any way, you first complete your M.Sc. (Botnay) either with interest or without interest. Who told you that there is less scope in Botany? There are a lot of career options after M.Sc. (Botany).It is good that you are interested in geography and are attempting UPSC this year. Dear, along with your M.Sc. you can easily appear for UPSC and do the study of Geography, after completing your M.Sc. you can take the admission to Law course. Many people do the law even after their retirement or in due course of their service. There is no need to cry about the things which happened to you.
Suggestions: (1) Completer M.Sc. (Botany) by any means (2) Space-time to read Geography and UPSC Syllabus (3) Develop your overall personality and try to engage in some extracurricular activities of your interest.
Best of luck for your upcoming bright future.

If satisfied, please like and follow me.
If dissatisfied with the reply, please ask again without hesitation.
Thanks.

Radheshyam

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