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My Trans Partner and Family Drama: Should I Choose Love or Family?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 05, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 02, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

Two years ago, I met someone, at a workplace inclusion workshop in Mumbai. He identified himself as a transgender man, We clicked instantly, and our friendship turned into a romantic relationship over time. He is incredibly supportive, kind, and ambitious. I admire him deeply because he has faced many struggles to be where he is today. My parents found out about him recently, and the backlash has been immense. They’ve threatened to disown me, saying I’m bringing shame to the family. They’re pushing me to break up with him and marry someone 'normal.' The societal pressure, whispers from neighbours, and even judgment from some colleagues are making things unbearable. I love him but I also feel torn between my family, cultural expectations, and my happiness. What should I do?

Ans: First, it's important to acknowledge your feelings of being torn. This is a natural response to the competing demands of love, family loyalty, and cultural expectations. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment; they are valid and understandable.

Next, consider the core values and priorities in your life. What kind of life do you envision for yourself? What role do love, authenticity, and personal happiness play in that vision? Reflecting on these questions can help clarify your path forward.

Communication with your family is crucial, though it may be difficult. Express your feelings, the depth of your love for your partner, and the happiness he brings into your life. It might not change their perspective immediately, but it's important for them to hear your truth. Seek moments of calm and understanding, and try to create a space for dialogue rather than confrontation.

It’s also essential to build a support system beyond your family. Surround yourself with friends, mentors, or support groups who understand and affirm your relationship. This community can provide emotional strength and perspective, reminding you that you are not alone in facing these challenges.

Lastly, prioritize your emotional well-being. Engage in activities that bring you peace and joy, whether it's spending time with supportive friends, pursuing hobbies, or even seeking professional counseling. A therapist or coach can offer a safe space to explore your feelings and help you develop strategies to navigate this complex situation.

Remember, the decision about how to proceed must ultimately align with what brings you the most peace and fulfillment. Balancing love and family expectations is difficult, but staying true to yourself and your values is essential for long-term happiness.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jun 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 02, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
My name is Faraha. Don't want to share my last name. I am 25 year old and working in a MNC in Bangalore. I met a guy at office who is a Hindu and we fell in love. It has been 1 years since we are into relationship, we both have agreed to become life partner and both have agreed not change religion and continue living as we are now. My parents are looking for alliance for me and they want to marry me off to a cousin working in middle East. I am not at all interested as well grew up together as a brother and sister and I have no feeling towards him. My mother tried to convenience me saying things will be better after marriage, and I dnt have courage enough to tell them about my relationship at work. I don't want to marry against my will and at the same time I don't want to break my parents heart. How do I come out of this situation? Please advice ..I have no rights to take decision on my life partner like other woman has? Why am I being published? I just want to marry the guy I love ...
Ans: Dear Faraha,

I am so sorry that you are in a situation where you feel you have no right to choose your own partner. I understand your dilemma. The only advice I can give right now is you speak to your parents about your wish not to marry the man they found for you. You can be honest and tell them your concerns. If you are not ready to disclose your relationship right now, that is okay. But the important thing is to not get forced into marrying someone you are neither attracted to nor comfortable with; you are an adult and you have every right to choose your partner. Having said that, I know how incredibly difficult it can be to convince parents. Clear and open communication is the only way. Once you can convince them to not go forward with this current alliance, you can slowly bring up the matter of your relationship. Not right away, but once things have cooled down a bit. I hope everything works out for you.

Best Wishes.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 26, 2024Hindi
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Hi mam/sir, I am 24 independent girl living in Bangalore. I come from a middle class family, with lot of past issues. My parents have horrible relationship; my father has never supported us in our education. My mother has only been there for us. My mother’s family has also supported us alot. I have a boyfriend for 4 years, he is well settled and educated person. I told my mother about him 2 years back. But my mother is not flinching at all, she is very firm that she will never agree to this as the boy is from another caste. She also says her parents i.e my grandparents will stop talking to us, their reaction will be horrifying. This I am also aware a little bit, my family is extremely conservative and no one in my family has ever done love marriage. I have slowly started to gather somd strength nd told my few cousins & aunt. They all suggestive me to forget this guy, as our family will never agree to it. I do not know how to proceed. This person is amazing & i am sure about him. On the other hand my mother has been constantly taunting me for this; but i am grateful to her for all her support till date. And the worst part - this alliance can only be finalised when my grandparents agree to it. Neither me nor my mother has guts to talk to them about it.
Ans: our mother’s strong opposition, driven by deeply ingrained beliefs and fear of societal backlash, makes it even harder. It’s understandable that she feels bound by her family’s expectations, and the thought of confronting your grandparents is overwhelming for both of you.

The fact that she has been constantly taunting you about this must be emotionally draining. At the same time, you feel grateful for all the support she has given you throughout your life, which makes this even more complicated. Your extended family reinforcing her stance adds to your struggle, making you feel like you have no one on your side.

You have already taken a big step by standing your ground, despite the pressure. Right now, the best approach might be to gradually help your mother see your boyfriend as a person, beyond just his caste. Instead of forcing the conversation toward marriage immediately, you could try introducing him in a way that feels natural—talking about his achievements, his values, and how he has supported you. Over time, she may begin to see him in a different light.

Since your grandparents hold the final say in family matters, their reaction is something you’re dreading. You know they will be resistant, and the thought of confronting them feels almost impossible. But at some point, the conversation will have to happen. It might help to find an ally within your family, someone who could support your case when the time comes. Is there anyone who has even slightly modern views or who understands you better? If there is, getting their support could make a huge difference.

While you navigate all of this, it’s important to remind yourself that this is your life. Your happiness matters, and while family approval is important, so is your personal choice. If they remain rigid despite your efforts, you may have to prepare yourself for tough decisions. The question you may need to ask yourself is how much time you’re willing to wait and what you would do if they never agree. If your boyfriend’s family is supportive, that could be a source of strength for you.

This is not an easy path, but if you believe in your relationship, standing by it with patience and persistence may eventually lead to a solution.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
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Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1651 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 25, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2025Hindi
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I 29(F) from scheduled caste and 28(M) from OBC started dating 3 years ago. I had already seen a big family drama during my sister’s inter caste marriage but it turned out to be successful. I never hid my identity in front of the guy and specifically talked about it very early in the relationship in order to not have any issue later. The guy was extremely okay with it. More than one year into dating we told our parents about the relationship and both sides seemed fine with it. And we were happy. However, last year his parents completely flipped on the idea of accepting me when they got to know what specific caste I belonged to. I was pretty optimistic as I had already seen something similar in my family to turn out to be successful. So I thought I was the right person to guide him through this. However, months have passed and despite repeated attempts, his parents are not ready to agree. Meanwhile I kept comparing his actions and frequency of having the talk with his parents and found is efforts not up to the mark but I understand now that it was the best he could do. He has a very stressful job on top of it. So, both of us kept telling the other person to call it quits if either of us wanted to. But neither of us wanted to end it and it became a long hefty struggle. He stopped proper communication and I couldn’t handle it and it got worse. But still neither of us wanted to give up. Ultimately I talked to his mother to free her mind of any prejudice with regards to me. But she was very cold during the whole conversation. She said that her son is her pride and he’ll be dead for her if he goes on to marry me. She said that she knows her son and her son would never marry someone without her blessing and that she would never agree. When I talked to my partner, he had no reaction to his mother’s cold behaviour and instead told me to take a decision to call it off now that I had a clear picture in front of me. He says he cannot see me hanging forever because he doesn’t see his parents getting convinced ever and he can’t keep hurting them without any positive result. When I said that the fact that he was accepting his parent’s decision and not willing to try anymore made him a part of the problem and he hung up on me and we haven’t talked since. I wish we could have handled this better. Been there for each other. And even though neither of us wanted to give up, i did not anticipate this blunt and sudden end. I wish we could have still expressed how we felt for each other and moved on mutually and peacefully. But I think he couldn’t take any more pressure on himself. And he couldn’t see me suffering forever which is why he started withdrawing emotionally. I am unable to accept it still and I think i might wait for him forever.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What is your question for me?
Let me assume that you just wanted to share and convey that you wish to wait for him forever.
What's the point waiting for someone who has decided to move on? Maybe he could not see you wait forever BUT he also did not take a stand for your relationship, right?
Taking things too far like what you are doing by waiting for someone who does not even acknowledge your love and presence in his life whatever the reason maybe, it's clear that he has decided to yield to what his mother wants. Even if he decides to be with you, do remember that his mother will be a huge influence in a not so great way on him and that may not be great for your relationship.
You have a great life ahead of you; why don't you experience life without him for a while and actually feel the weight lifting off your shoulders? At least you are not the only one who seems to be carrying on the burden of the relationship...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |9785 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 19, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 19, 2025Hindi
Money
Am 32 years old with salary of 1 lakh per month and monthly expenses of around 60-70k as am single earning member of my family of 5, recently married, no kids and all my savings have been depleted in marriage and I don't have any savings or investment. I only have one term insurance of 1 crore and medical coverage for myself of 10 lakh and PF of around 1lakh. I would like to start savings & investment journey to retire by 50 but I also have to buy a house(cost around 40 lakh) in next 10 years & car in next 4 years. Please guide me what should be my savings and investment strategy
Ans: You are 32 years old. You have just started your married life.
You have no savings currently but have a steady income. You are also supporting your family.
You want to buy a car in 4 years, a house in 10 years, and retire by 50.
These are clear and realistic goals. Starting now with the right plan is very important.

Let’s look at your profile in a 360-degree view and build a complete strategy for your savings and investments.

? Family and Financial Responsibilities

– You are newly married and supporting a family of 5.
– You are the only earning member at present.
– You have no kids now, but this may change in a few years.

Right now, your family depends fully on your income. So, stability and discipline are very important.

? Income and Expense Overview

– You earn Rs. 1 lakh per month.
– Monthly expenses are Rs. 60K–70K.

This leaves you with Rs. 30K–40K surplus per month.
This is a strong base to begin your financial journey.

It is very important to save at least Rs. 25K from this every month.

? Current Assets and Insurance Cover

– Term insurance of Rs. 1 Cr is active.
– You have health cover of Rs. 10L for yourself.
– EPF balance is around Rs. 1L.
– No other savings or assets currently.

You have taken the first correct steps by starting term and health cover.
Make sure health cover includes family members as they are dependent on you.
As you grow older, adding family floater will be a wise move.

? Emergency Fund Is Your Next Priority

– You don’t have any emergency fund now.
– This is your first and most urgent step.

Start building a minimum of Rs. 1.5L–2L over the next 6 months.
This should be parked in a safe liquid or ultra-short debt fund.
Do not invest this in equity. Keep it easily accessible.

This is your buffer for job loss, hospital expenses, or urgent needs.

? Set Your Financial Goals Clearly

You have shared three goals. Let's plan them in detail:

– Car purchase (Rs. 8–10L in 4 years)
– House purchase (Rs. 40L in 10 years)
– Retirement (at age 50, in next 18 years)

All these goals have different timelines. So, different strategies are needed.

? Goal 1: Car Purchase in 4 Years

– Budget is around Rs. 8–10L.
– Don’t take a car loan. Start saving monthly instead.

Invest Rs. 10K–12K/month in ultra-short or short-term debt funds.
These are safer for short-term goals. They give better returns than FDs.

Avoid equity mutual funds for this goal. You don’t have enough time to recover losses if the market falls.

When goal is 12 months away, move all funds to liquid fund.

Car is a depreciating asset. So, buy within your means. Avoid emotional spending here.

? Goal 2: House Purchase in 10 Years

– Estimated cost: Rs. 40L.
– You may need Rs. 8L–10L as down payment.

For this goal, equity mutual funds can be used in the beginning.
But slowly reduce risk as you approach the goal year.

Invest Rs. 10K–12K/month into actively managed mutual funds.
Avoid index funds. They are average performers and don’t protect you during market falls.

Actively managed funds, when reviewed regularly, give better outcomes.
Start with a mix of large-cap and flexi-cap mutual funds.

Do not choose direct plans without advisor help.
– Direct plans have no guidance, no reviews, and lead to poor fund choice.
– Regular plans with MFDs who are CFPs provide goal-based planning and corrections.

When you are 3 years away from the house goal, shift from equity to debt funds.
This protects you from market risk. Don’t let a market crash affect your house plan.

? Goal 3: Retirement by Age 50

– You have 18 years to build retirement wealth.
– Since you have no savings now, this needs focus.

Start with Rs. 8K–10K/month into actively managed mutual funds.
You can increase this as your income grows.

Choose a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and balanced advantage funds.
Don't invest all in aggressive funds. Balance is key.

EPF and retirement corpus must grow side by side.
Don’t withdraw EPF early. Let it compound.

Also, consider opening NPS to get tax benefit and build retirement asset.
Limit NPS to 10–15% of total retirement plan. Too much NPS can reduce post-retirement liquidity.

Do not depend on real estate for retirement. It is illiquid.
Also, rental income is uncertain and property sales take time.

Keep equity mutual funds as your main retirement engine.

Review the plan every 2 years with a Certified Financial Planner.

? Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) Allocation

With Rs. 30K–35K surplus, you can follow this SIP plan:

– Rs. 10K/month → Car purchase (in debt funds)
– Rs. 12K/month → House down payment (in equity funds)
– Rs. 10K/month → Retirement goal (in diversified mutual funds)
– Rs. 2K–3K/month → Emergency fund (in liquid fund)

As your income increases, raise SIPs each year by 10–15%.

Stick to this discipline for the next 5 years and your financial position will be strong.

? Don’t Take Investment Advice from Banks or Unqualified Sources

Avoid random product selling by banks.
They push what earns them the most, not what suits you.

Avoid endowment, ULIP, or investment-insurance policies.
These give poor returns, long lock-ins, and very little flexibility.

Also, avoid annuities in future. They give fixed income, but poor inflation adjustment.

You need flexible, growing income after retirement. Mutual funds offer that.

? Avoid Index Funds and Direct Plans

Index funds look cheap but come with big disadvantages:
– No downside protection during market crash
– Poor performance during sideways markets
– Cannot outperform benchmarks
– Passive strategy may not meet your goal timelines

Direct mutual funds are low-cost, but come with high risk for new investors:
– No guidance
– No goal tracking
– High chances of wrong fund selection
– No portfolio review or corrections

Regular funds via a Mutual Fund Distributor with CFP help offer better goal-based investing.
The advisory support helps you avoid mistakes and stay on course.

? Tax and Investment Planning

Use EPF and NPS for tax savings under Section 80C and 80CCD(1B).
Start SIPs in ELSS only if you haven’t reached the 80C limit.

Plan MF redemptions smartly to avoid capital gains tax.
As per new rules:

– LTCG above Rs. 1.25L/year on equity MFs is taxed at 12.5%
– STCG is taxed at 20%
– Debt fund gains are taxed as per your slab

So always avoid churning funds without need. Review redemptions carefully.

? Next 6 Months Plan of Action

– Build Rs. 2L emergency fund in liquid funds
– Start SIP of Rs. 10K/month in debt funds for car goal
– Start Rs. 12K/month SIP in equity funds for house goal
– Start Rs. 10K/month SIP for retirement
– Avoid new liabilities or emotional spends

Track each SIP goal separately. Don’t mix funds.
Label your folios for clear tracking (car, house, retirement, etc.)

? Final Insights

You are starting at zero. But you have time on your side.
A disciplined start today will build a safe future.

Start slow, but stay consistent. Avoid reacting to short-term events.

Invest with a Certified Financial Planner who offers regular tracking.
You will avoid mistakes and reach your financial goals in time.

Your future is in your hands. Plan it with patience and proper direction.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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