I’m feeling really lost right now. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year, and things started out great. We have a lot in common, and we both enjoy going out with friends. But recently, I've noticed something that’s been bothering me. He works as a bartender, and every time I go to his bar, he gets upset about my friends being there. It feels like he’s trying to push me away from them, and I don’t know how to deal with it. Last weekend, we went out, and after a few drinks, I mentioned how uncomfortable it made me that he talked badly about my friends when they come to his bar. I thought I was being calm about it, but he just flipped out. He started yelling at me in the car, and I was so scared because he was driving way too fast and swerving. I told him I was going to call the cops, but he didn’t listen. Eventually, he pulled over, got out of the car, and started screaming and running around. It all felt so intense and out of control. When he came back to the car, things got physical. I slapped him in an attempt to make him stop, which I regret because I’ve never done that before. In the heat of the moment, he slapped me back and pushed me into a bush. The next day, I had bruises, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about everything that happened. Now, he’s been trying to buy me things and even booked a trip for us, begging me to stay. But I feel so unsure of what to do. I keep telling him that I need space, but it feels like he’s not really understanding the severity of what happened. I’m torn between wanting to make it work and realizing that this situation isn’t healthy. What should I do? Should I give him another chance or listen to my instincts and walk away for good?

Dear AM,

Oh my dear, why are you being so unkind to yourself? It takes two to tango!

Maybe, you realize that you have been taking him for granted, but hey, there’s an expiry date to punishing yourself over it.

Once you know, it’s time to work on your relationship and that certainly doesn’t mean being harsh.

This could also lead you to feel victimised and not be a very favourable mindset. Instead, what if you get to the root of the challenge at hand?

Here’s a few reality check questions. It might give you a chance to go back to the drawing board and reevaluate your relationship with a fresh pair of eyes.

What is causing me to have that temper?

What usually triggers the arguments?

What did I see in my partner when I chose him to be my significant half?

Do I still see the same in him even now or has it changed? If yes, what has changed? Am I willing to adapt to the change?

What causes me to be afraid of him moving on? Am I in a co-dependent relationship?

What will happen to me if he moves on?

Why is important for me to put so much energy into changing myself? Is it for myself or to keep him from moving on?

You get the drift?

You can add to these questions and give your mind an alternate way of processing things into a solution space.

Having said this; it’s time to give yourself some love too, no matter what, prioritize yourself and create some mind space to reevaluate where you are to where you want to be.

Happy 2022 and best wishes!

The problem you’re facing is very common in long-distance relationships.

You have a need for attention that you’re not getting from him and he’s so busy planning a future that he’s forgotten how to take care of the present.

I can tell you that until he is secure in a job and has stabilised his situation, his behaviour is not going to change significantly. And maybe not after either...Maybe this is who he is, and after the initial spark wore off, this is him.

That said, the distance is definitely playing a role in fuelling tensions between the two of you.

Explain to him that you need some quality time with him and that couples who live apart do set aside a little time for each other despite all the pressures of everyday life.

It’s not childish to expect attention and love from your partner, even from a thousand miles away.

At your end, you can try to be less demanding.

Maybe he isn’t at liberty to chitchat every single day or every couple of days also.

As long as you get what you want out of even a weekly or twice-weekly conversation with him, cut him a little slack. That is, provided this guy means enough to you.

If he doesn’t and you’re second-guessing the relationship, the person he is and your love for him, maybe the headache just isn’t worth it.

You’ve already invested five years, and if it’s not looking bright, you should cut your losses and move on.