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Anu Krishna |1654 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 19, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by AM on Jan 19, 2022Hindi

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Ma'am, I'm in a relationship for three years now.
Everything was normal in the beginning. But the past year has been extremely tumultuous for us as I've been expressing unnecessary anger towards my significant other.
I never used to yell at him or push him to the point where he'd get annoyed of me and stops talking to me.
While I'm the kind of person who likes to talk things out after a few hours of the argument but he's the opposite. He takes his own sweet time which is not wrong.
I realise I treat him differently from my friends as I know subconsciously he won't break up with me.
The last fight we had over something trivial made me feel like I pulled the last straw and I'm very guilty about it.
Even I've started to realise now that somewhere along the way I took him for granted and kept hurting him as he gave me a lot of chances to improve.
He is a very sweet person but I feel like I've turned him into an egoistic monster who doesn't want to see or talk to me anymore.
I don't know how to save this relationship. I don't know if I should kill my hopes of continuing this relationship.
We haven't spoken to each other for more than 2 weeks now and I am using this time to change myself and learn to control my anger and to speak with everyone with respect and understand them better.
I want to tell him that I'm genuinely improving this time but he doesn't seem interested in listening to me as I've misused the prior chances so obviously he feels like he's being deceived this time to.
So I made my mind to speak to him after a month until I feel like I've changed at least a little so I'm worthy of his love. Also I don't let my short temper and rudeness affect our relationship.
But I'm afraid he might hate me even more for not trying to talk to him.
I'm confused wondering if he'll move on and not realise in trying to change. What should I do?
AM

Ans:

Dear AM,

Oh my dear, why are you being so unkind to yourself? It takes two to tango!

Maybe, you realize that you have been taking him for granted, but hey, there’s an expiry date to punishing yourself over it.

Once you know, it’s time to work on your relationship and that certainly doesn’t mean being harsh.

This could also lead you to feel victimised and not be a very favourable mindset. Instead, what if you get to the root of the challenge at hand?

Here’s a few reality check questions. It might give you a chance to go back to the drawing board and reevaluate your relationship with a fresh pair of eyes.

What is causing me to have that temper?

What usually triggers the arguments?

What did I see in my partner when I chose him to be my significant half?

Do I still see the same in him even now or has it changed? If yes, what has changed? Am I willing to adapt to the change?

What causes me to be afraid of him moving on? Am I in a co-dependent relationship?

What will happen to me if he moves on?

Why is important for me to put so much energy into changing myself? Is it for myself or to keep him from moving on?

You get the drift?

You can add to these questions and give your mind an alternate way of processing things into a solution space.

Having said this; it’s time to give yourself some love too, no matter what, prioritize yourself and create some mind space to reevaluate where you are to where you want to be.

Happy 2022 and best wishes!

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Question by Anonymous - Dec 30, 2021Hindi

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Hi. I am in a relationship since five years. My BF was very gentle and caring initially but after his financial downfall he became cold and restless. And I had to change cities due to work. I love him and he tells me he loves me too, which I feel he does. But he is very ambitious and struggling in his life and is busy planning most days. Which I understand, but it irritates me that we have zero conversations that he starts or takes interest in. We do discuss decisions and official things a lot, but I am talking about meaningful conversations and couple time. It’s been several years now and I have to wait for ages to discuss any simple, emotional thing with him. He is constantly on an unending chase. He lives in another city. I understand and wanna support him but it upsets me anyway because it’s been such long time of chasing simple conversations. I feel like I can’t hold on to the relation anymore because I tried to discuss this hundreds of time with him but he could never make time to even let me complete. In fact, he promises me time and conveniently forgets while I wait eagerly. He is always sleepy or tired by the time I begin anything and then it’s impossible for me to begin, which I feel is disgusting. We have started having ugly fights and I can’t resist being angry at things now. Now he has started acting rude and inconsiderate towards me. Though he is not mean to me, he always calls me impatient and kiddish to not understand his situation. He often tells me that he is not spending his time partying. He is making plans for both of us. He just has one answer that I should trust him and give him some time he will set everything. But I feel overly sensitive and depressed and in continuous chase which is very derogatory and bothers my self-worth. I always am ready for him in every way but here I am feeling choked and he is just not getting it. What should I do? How do I tell him that it is high time? Or am I overreacting? Please help. A person in need

Ans:

The problem you’re facing is very common in long-distance relationships.

You have a need for attention that you’re not getting from him and he’s so busy planning a future that he’s forgotten how to take care of the present.

I can tell you that until he is secure in a job and has stabilised his situation, his behaviour is not going to change significantly. And maybe not after either...Maybe this is who he is, and after the initial spark wore off, this is him.

That said, the distance is definitely playing a role in fuelling tensions between the two of you.

Explain to him that you need some quality time with him and that couples who live apart do set aside a little time for each other despite all the pressures of everyday life.

It’s not childish to expect attention and love from your partner, even from a thousand miles away.

At your end, you can try to be less demanding.

Maybe he isn’t at liberty to chitchat every single day or every couple of days also.

As long as you get what you want out of even a weekly or twice-weekly conversation with him, cut him a little slack. That is, provided this guy means enough to you.

If he doesn’t and you’re second-guessing the relationship, the person he is and your love for him, maybe the headache just isn’t worth it.

You’ve already invested five years, and if it’s not looking bright, you should cut your losses and move on.

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