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My girlfriend's traumatized past and her ex: Should I react?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |538 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
The Question by The on Jan 20, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said

Ans: Your girlfriend has already endured trauma, and she’s finding comfort in the safe space you’re creating for her. The most important thing for her healing is stability, security, and knowing that she has someone who supports her emotionally. If you go to her ex, it could potentially trigger her, cause unnecessary stress, or even make her feel guilty—she might worry that she’s responsible for bringing conflict into your life.

Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 24, 2023

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Hi, my age is 19 years and I’m in a relationship for a couple of months. It’s too good in the beginning. We used to share everything about our pasts, family, and all and we’re still doing so. I know that her family is not good. She has lost her mother 2 years ago. She lives with her father, sister, granny and grandpa. Few months ago, she shared something with me. She told that one of her close relatives were trying to talk with her completely alone and he instructed her not to tell anyone about their conversation. That person told her many things about intimacy, lust and also tried to indicate that he wants her in the bed or something else, we don’t know. He told; “If you open yourself, I’ll open myself to the extreme”, “I have many investment planning on you”, “ you can’t control your hormones in this age” etc. But, after that incident, I became too protective. I’m always having a fear that somebody will hurt her or she is in danger. And during all this, I repeatedly kept telling her to wear dresses rightly, giving poses rightly like “you should not attract anyone with your eyes or show yourself desirable”. And She gets hurt and deleted the all of her photos available on social media. And also I have hurt sometimes emotionally by not trusting her. I don’t want to cage her but a fear is always running within me. Now, I’m having a fear that if she leaves me. It’s all my fault. I’m feeling that she is ignoring me sometimes but that’s not true as she cleared that she wants to stay with me. But I’m not getting over from that fear.
Ans: Dear Anirban,
It's sweet and nice of you to care for her and want to protect her only if she also wants it.
She has possibly started feeling that your actions are controlling and she seems to want to be free of that. So, anything you try even if it is for her own good will be misinterpreted.
Also, this statement as protective as it seems: “you should not attract anyone with your eyes or show yourself desirable”...it's not a very nice thing to say. You are suggesting that she is responsible for attracting unwanted male attention and that is something that she or any girl would not have liked to hear from you at all.
Kindly step aside and know that she can take care of herself. If she needs your help and assistance, she will call out to you...until then please let her decide for herself what she wants to do.
It's not that she doesn't know what's appropriate and not; so stop caging her with your thoughts and action.
If she appreciates what you are doing for her, she will reach out to you and till then also know that times have changed and it is not the fault of the woman for a man to behave the way he is...So, correct your mindset too and care for her from a distance for a while.

All the best

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |526 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jul 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 02, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Before coming into our relationship I knew that my girlfriend had a past relationship of 3 years. I asked about it just to clarify if anything was there which will harm our upcoming relationship we gona Start. She mentioned that she did not liked her past relationship and other stuff and she mentioned she had not any physical relationship of any kind with her ex . But now after we came into relationship after 2 years. I found out that she had a physical relationship with her ex . But no intercourse but other stuff. I could not believe her words when she told all this and she been laying all the things I asked if it was your first time and other things. I had no such relationship as of myself and told her that I hate such types where u already experienced stuffs with others . What should I do . I like her too she too loves me . But the thing I found out haunts me and make me fill miserable
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry that you are hurting but her past truly should not matter to you in the present. Ideally, I am not in favor of pushing people to disclose their past experiences, especially if they are not comfortable with it. But I agree that she was wrong to get into a relationship with you when you specifically showed dislike towards the things you mentioned. I suppose she liked you too much and did not want to ruin her chances. I should also mention that judging a person by their past or because they had certain kinds of relations with their ex is not fair; you were not in the picture. Regardless of it, your pain is valid. It isn't easy to come to terms with new information about your partner's past.

Now hear me out, past is in the past. It can only hurt you if you let it. Think about it properly- did she do anything in the present to hurt you? NO. Can you or she change the past? NO. Should she apologize for having a past? NO. Should you move past this and work towards a better future? That's the only thing in your control. Chose wisely. If you think you will hold her accountable for this forever, then you both should reconsider this relationship. If you think this fight is meaningless, and want to move forward with your relationship, then great.

Best Wishes.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |526 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 24, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am in a relationship with a girl since last 1.5 years, i told her everything regarding my financial status,my past ,everything.......she was also in a relationship for 5 years and she told me intially her ex mistreats her, abuse her , sexually force her and she hates him etc all this stuff.....but i found that she herself called her ex and then told me after 4 months...i forgive her but from last 2 months her behaviour is changed , now she is finding too many problems in how i look, my financial status and compare with other boys that they have car and they took their gf to long drives etc( her ex contacted her again and told her he got a job since then she starts all this stuff? She triggered my insecurities and i am feeling most useless and worst person... what should i do, does she really loves me? Please guide me ...i am started feeling depressed .......
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's address the most important thing first, does she really love you? I am not sure about that. It's neither a solid yes or a solid no. But therein lies the challenge. If there is confusion, there is concern. Moreover, the habit of drawing comparisons with other people and how they treat their partners is an indication of a toxic relationship. I would urge you to rethink this relationship.

There will always be someone better out there- with a better car, a better-paying job, or even better looking, but that doesn't mean we stop loving our partner and leave them for that "better someone." Loving your partner is a choice you make every day. Having said that, it is okay if she wants someone "better." Let her. You deserve better too.

Please reconsider this relationship, especially if it is causing you so much sorrow.

Best wishes.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7967 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 15, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 15, 2025Hindi
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Money
We are a family of three (me + my parents). I am 30 and have no plans on getting married. Will explore spirituality and try to be a social worker after working for 2-3 more years. We have a corpus of Rs. 1.1 cr invested in FDs. The interest generated (Rs. 8,00,000 p.a.) is withdrawn monthly and used for daily expenses. Please tell me - 1. How long can my corpus last if we keep withdrawing the same amount each year? 2. Is there a need to add more money in corpus? 3. How will inflation hurt and play a role?
Ans: Your situation is well-structured, and your financial discipline is impressive. Let’s break down your concerns step by step.

1. How Long Will the Corpus Last?
You have Rs 1.1 crore in fixed deposits (FDs).

Your annual withdrawal is Rs 8 lakh, covering living expenses.

The duration your corpus lasts depends on the FD interest rate and inflation.

If the interest earned matches your withdrawals, the corpus remains intact.

But if expenses rise due to inflation, the corpus may start depleting.

If inflation is higher than your FD interest rate, the corpus will shrink faster.

Over time, this gap can significantly reduce your savings.

Without additional earnings or reinvestment, depletion becomes inevitable.

A detailed cash flow analysis is necessary for exact projections.

2. Is There a Need to Add More Money?
Your current strategy works well for now.

But inflation will increase expenses each year.

FD interest rates may also decline in the future.

A 25-year time frame requires careful planning.

If expenses rise but income stays the same, your corpus may not last.

Having an extra financial buffer is always good.

You may need to add funds over time to sustain withdrawals.

Consider a mix of investment options for better returns.

Balancing risk and stability is key for long-term security.

3. The Role of Inflation
Inflation reduces the value of money over time.

What costs Rs 50,000 today may cost Rs 1 lakh in 15-20 years.

If expenses double, your withdrawals must also double.

But your FDs may not generate enough interest to support this.

Over time, the real value of your corpus declines.

This means either increasing your corpus or reducing expenses.

Investing in assets that beat inflation can help.

A financial plan with regular reviews is necessary.

4. Fixed Deposits – Strengths and Weaknesses
FDs offer stability and guaranteed returns.

But they may not keep up with inflation in the long run.

Tax on FD interest further reduces net earnings.

Interest rates fluctuate and may decline in the future.

Over-reliance on FDs can erode wealth over time.

A diversified investment plan is essential.

5. Alternative Investment Strategies
You can explore better investment options alongside FDs.

Actively managed mutual funds have the potential for higher returns.

Debt mutual funds offer stability with tax efficiency.

Some portion in balanced hybrid funds can manage risk well.

Conservative investment in gold can hedge against inflation.

Having multiple sources of income is always better.

Choosing the right mix of investments is crucial.

6. Steps to Strengthen Financial Security
Review expenses and identify areas for cost-cutting.

Maintain an emergency fund for unexpected needs.

Consider reinvesting some interest earnings to grow the corpus.

Diversify investments instead of relying only on FDs.

Keep track of inflation and adjust withdrawals if needed.

Reassess the financial plan every year.

7. Impact of Taxes on Your Income
FD interest is fully taxable as per your income slab.

High taxation reduces the effective return on FDs.

Some alternative investments offer better tax efficiency.

Choosing tax-efficient options helps preserve more wealth.

8. Planning for Spiritual and Social Work Phase
After 2-3 years of work, your income may stop.

Your corpus must fully support expenses post-retirement.

Ensuring a steady income source is essential.

Passive income streams like dividend-yielding investments can help.

Reducing lifestyle costs can make funds last longer.

Proper financial discipline is crucial for long-term sustainability.

9. Final Insights
Your financial setup is strong, but long-term risks exist.

Inflation, tax impact, and lower FD rates can hurt corpus longevity.

A well-diversified portfolio will offer better security.

Regular financial reviews help in adjusting to changing needs.

Adding funds to your corpus ensures stability for the future.

Prudent planning today ensures a worry-free tomorrow.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Dr Nagarajan Jsk

Dr Nagarajan Jsk   |246 Answers  |Ask -

NEET, Medical, Pharmacy Careers - Answered on Feb 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 13, 2025Hindi
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Career
Hello there, I'm 20 years preparing for neet but I'm not confident to get mbbs seat what alternative is there for me I'm so confused and stressed.Will it be ok if I do bsc in biotechnology and Mba in healthcare data science ? Can I succeed in this pathway Help plz
Ans: Hi,
Health-related courses are a great choice for a promising future. If you've completed your +2 with PCB (Physics, Chemistry, Biology) or PCMB (Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, Biology), there are many courses available to you, both with and without a NEET score.
Courses Available with NEET Score:
- MBBS (Bachelor of Medicine, Bachelor of Surgery)
- BDS (Bachelor of Dental Surgery)
- BAMS (Bachelor of Ayurvedic Medicine and Surgery)
- BHMS (Bachelor of Homeopathic Medicine and Surgery)
- BNYS (Bachelor of Naturopathy and Yogic Sciences)
- BUMS (Bachelor of Unani Medicine and Surgery)
- BVSc (Bachelor of Veterinary Science)

Courses Available without NEET:
Health-Oriented:
- B.Pharm (Bachelor of Pharmacy)
- Pharm D (Doctor of Pharmacy)
- BSc Nursing (Bachelor of Science in Nursing)
- BSc MLT (Bachelor of Science in Medical Laboratory Technology)
- BPT (Bachelor of Physiotherapy)
Non-Medical:
- BSc Agriculture (Bachelor of Science in Agriculture)
- BSc Horticulture (Bachelor of Science in Horticulture)
- BSc Sericulture (Bachelor of Science in Sericulture)

There are many more courses available as well. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide which course suits you best. If you need any further assistance, please share your details, and I would be happy to help you with recommendations.

BEST OF LUCK

POOCHO. LIFE CHANGE KARO!

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Radheshyam

Radheshyam Zanwar  |1185 Answers  |Ask -

MHT-CET, IIT-JEE, NEET-UG Expert - Answered on Feb 14, 2025

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Career
Hello sir, I am stuck in confusion about my career previously i was working as HR due to personal reason had to leave the job and there was gap of 4 years and again after few years had to do new start up from zero and working to Administration department for almost 4 years i am planning of switching job as i dont find any scope and growth to the work i am doing and underpaid here.Not understanding again i should switch back to HR job or continue into adminstration job and also please advice where will i get to learn and upgrade my skill and have growth in my career.Please help sir
Ans: Hello Tanmay.
Nothing is mentioned by you about your qualifications or company profile. Only it is clear that you left the HR job, remained jobless for 4 years, and joined to new startup, but not satisfied there also, and are again interested in joining the previous HR job.
Dear, it would be better for you to join the HR job again. Working in an administration job requires specialized skills which I think you might be lagging. According to your qualifications, it would be better to join some online/offline courses which are helpful to your present job conditions and also useful if you decide to change the job in the future. As I do not know your educational qualifications, it is difficult for me to suggest you properly. For proper counseling/suggestion, please tell us your educational qualification, extracurricular activities, and computer knowledge if any.

If satisfied, pl like and follow.
If unsatisfied, pl ask again without any hesitation.
Thanks
Radheshyam

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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