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My girlfriend's traumatized past and her ex: Should I react?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
The Question by The on Jan 20, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said

Ans: Your girlfriend has already endured trauma, and she’s finding comfort in the safe space you’re creating for her. The most important thing for her healing is stability, security, and knowing that she has someone who supports her emotionally. If you go to her ex, it could potentially trigger her, cause unnecessary stress, or even make her feel guilty—she might worry that she’s responsible for bringing conflict into your life.

Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1465 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 24, 2023

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Hi, my age is 19 years and I’m in a relationship for a couple of months. It’s too good in the beginning. We used to share everything about our pasts, family, and all and we’re still doing so. I know that her family is not good. She has lost her mother 2 years ago. She lives with her father, sister, granny and grandpa. Few months ago, she shared something with me. She told that one of her close relatives were trying to talk with her completely alone and he instructed her not to tell anyone about their conversation. That person told her many things about intimacy, lust and also tried to indicate that he wants her in the bed or something else, we don’t know. He told; “If you open yourself, I’ll open myself to the extreme”, “I have many investment planning on you”, “ you can’t control your hormones in this age” etc. But, after that incident, I became too protective. I’m always having a fear that somebody will hurt her or she is in danger. And during all this, I repeatedly kept telling her to wear dresses rightly, giving poses rightly like “you should not attract anyone with your eyes or show yourself desirable”. And She gets hurt and deleted the all of her photos available on social media. And also I have hurt sometimes emotionally by not trusting her. I don’t want to cage her but a fear is always running within me. Now, I’m having a fear that if she leaves me. It’s all my fault. I’m feeling that she is ignoring me sometimes but that’s not true as she cleared that she wants to stay with me. But I’m not getting over from that fear.
Ans: Dear Anirban,
It's sweet and nice of you to care for her and want to protect her only if she also wants it.
She has possibly started feeling that your actions are controlling and she seems to want to be free of that. So, anything you try even if it is for her own good will be misinterpreted.
Also, this statement as protective as it seems: “you should not attract anyone with your eyes or show yourself desirable”...it's not a very nice thing to say. You are suggesting that she is responsible for attracting unwanted male attention and that is something that she or any girl would not have liked to hear from you at all.
Kindly step aside and know that she can take care of herself. If she needs your help and assistance, she will call out to you...until then please let her decide for herself what she wants to do.
It's not that she doesn't know what's appropriate and not; so stop caging her with your thoughts and action.
If she appreciates what you are doing for her, she will reach out to you and till then also know that times have changed and it is not the fault of the woman for a man to behave the way he is...So, correct your mindset too and care for her from a distance for a while.

All the best

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |516 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jul 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 02, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Before coming into our relationship I knew that my girlfriend had a past relationship of 3 years. I asked about it just to clarify if anything was there which will harm our upcoming relationship we gona Start. She mentioned that she did not liked her past relationship and other stuff and she mentioned she had not any physical relationship of any kind with her ex . But now after we came into relationship after 2 years. I found out that she had a physical relationship with her ex . But no intercourse but other stuff. I could not believe her words when she told all this and she been laying all the things I asked if it was your first time and other things. I had no such relationship as of myself and told her that I hate such types where u already experienced stuffs with others . What should I do . I like her too she too loves me . But the thing I found out haunts me and make me fill miserable
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry that you are hurting but her past truly should not matter to you in the present. Ideally, I am not in favor of pushing people to disclose their past experiences, especially if they are not comfortable with it. But I agree that she was wrong to get into a relationship with you when you specifically showed dislike towards the things you mentioned. I suppose she liked you too much and did not want to ruin her chances. I should also mention that judging a person by their past or because they had certain kinds of relations with their ex is not fair; you were not in the picture. Regardless of it, your pain is valid. It isn't easy to come to terms with new information about your partner's past.

Now hear me out, past is in the past. It can only hurt you if you let it. Think about it properly- did she do anything in the present to hurt you? NO. Can you or she change the past? NO. Should she apologize for having a past? NO. Should you move past this and work towards a better future? That's the only thing in your control. Chose wisely. If you think you will hold her accountable for this forever, then you both should reconsider this relationship. If you think this fight is meaningless, and want to move forward with your relationship, then great.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |516 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 24, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I am in a relationship with a girl since last 1.5 years, i told her everything regarding my financial status,my past ,everything.......she was also in a relationship for 5 years and she told me intially her ex mistreats her, abuse her , sexually force her and she hates him etc all this stuff.....but i found that she herself called her ex and then told me after 4 months...i forgive her but from last 2 months her behaviour is changed , now she is finding too many problems in how i look, my financial status and compare with other boys that they have car and they took their gf to long drives etc( her ex contacted her again and told her he got a job since then she starts all this stuff? She triggered my insecurities and i am feeling most useless and worst person... what should i do, does she really loves me? Please guide me ...i am started feeling depressed .......
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's address the most important thing first, does she really love you? I am not sure about that. It's neither a solid yes or a solid no. But therein lies the challenge. If there is confusion, there is concern. Moreover, the habit of drawing comparisons with other people and how they treat their partners is an indication of a toxic relationship. I would urge you to rethink this relationship.

There will always be someone better out there- with a better car, a better-paying job, or even better looking, but that doesn't mean we stop loving our partner and leave them for that "better someone." Loving your partner is a choice you make every day. Having said that, it is okay if she wants someone "better." Let her. You deserve better too.

Please reconsider this relationship, especially if it is causing you so much sorrow.

Best wishes.

..Read more

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Sir , i need financial advise I am from kashmir we are financially poor we are depends on agricultural sector but unfortunately my father dies and i became a alone man in my family. So can you tell me how. I can get out from this to become rich . I àm 18 yrs old student so i became depresed day by day for poor financial condition. And i want to become a rich so i took in 11th commerce stream that can give me a knowledge about business. So who to start from what to what. Who to raise funds to become enterpuner
Ans: You are taking the right step by studying commerce. Learning about business, finance, and entrepreneurship will help you build a strong foundation.

Focus on Education
Study commerce seriously. It will give you business knowledge.

Read books on entrepreneurship and finance. Simple books will help.

Watch free business and finance content online. Learn from successful people.

Improve your English and communication skills. This will help in business.

Develop problem-solving and decision-making skills. Entrepreneurs need these.

Identify Your Strengths
What are you good at? Find your strengths and improve them.

Are you interested in farming, business, or something else? Choose your path.

If you have skills like writing, designing, or coding, use them to earn money.

Start Small
You don’t need a big investment to start. Find low-cost business ideas.

Agriculture-based small businesses can work in Kashmir.

Consider online businesses. Dropshipping, freelancing, or digital marketing can help.

Sell handmade products, dry fruits, or traditional items online.

Start a YouTube channel or blog on a topic you love.

Teach students or provide tuition. Many students need guidance.

Raising Funds
Save a little from whatever income you get. Start small but be consistent.

Look for government schemes for young entrepreneurs. Many offer financial help.

Apply for business loans or grants from banks when you are ready.

Find local investors who may believe in your idea.

Work part-time or freelance to build savings.

Building a Mindset
Never lose hope. Struggles make you stronger.

Learn from failures. They are lessons, not losses.

Have patience. Success takes time.

Be disciplined with money. Avoid wasteful spending.

Stay around positive and hardworking people.

If you start learning and acting today, you will see changes in a few years. Keep going.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7720 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 30, 2025

Listen
Sir , i need financial advise I am from kashmir we are financially poor we are depends on agricultural sector but unfortunately my father dies and i became a alone man in my family. So can you tell me how. I can get out from this to become rich . I àm 18 yrs old student so i became depresed day by day for poor financial condition. And i want to become a rich so i took in 11th commerce stream that can give me a knowledge about business. So who to start from what to what. Who to raise funds to become enterpuner
Ans: You are taking the right step by studying commerce. Learning about business, finance, and entrepreneurship will help you build a strong foundation.

Focus on Education
Study commerce seriously. It will give you business knowledge.

Read books on entrepreneurship and finance. Simple books will help.

Watch free business and finance content online. Learn from successful people.

Improve your English and communication skills. This will help in business.

Develop problem-solving and decision-making skills. Entrepreneurs need these.

Identify Your Strengths
What are you good at? Find your strengths and improve them.

Are you interested in farming, business, or something else? Choose your path.

If you have skills like writing, designing, or coding, use them to earn money.

Start Small
You don’t need a big investment to start. Find low-cost business ideas.

Agriculture-based small businesses can work in Kashmir.

Consider online businesses. Dropshipping, freelancing, or digital marketing can help.

Sell handmade products, dry fruits, or traditional items online.

Start a YouTube channel or blog on a topic you love.

Teach students or provide tuition. Many students need guidance.

Raising Funds
Save a little from whatever income you get. Start small but be consistent.

Look for government schemes for young entrepreneurs. Many offer financial help.

Apply for business loans or grants from banks when you are ready.

Find local investors who may believe in your idea.

Work part-time or freelance to build savings.

Building a Mindset
Never lose hope. Struggles make you stronger.

Learn from failures. They are lessons, not losses.

Have patience. Success takes time.

Be disciplined with money. Avoid wasteful spending.

Stay around positive and hardworking people.

If you start learning and acting today, you will see changes in a few years. Keep going.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7720 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 30, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 30, 2025Hindi
Which are the best mutual funds in India as of January 2025 for long term wealth generation of 1 crore and above with SIP 30000/month for 10 years. Expenses Child Education, Marriage, New Home.
Ans: You are making a great decision to invest Rs. 30,000 per month. This disciplined approach helps build significant wealth.

Your goals include child’s education, marriage, and a new home. Each goal requires a well-structured investment strategy.

You want to accumulate Rs. 1 crore or more in 10 years. Achieving this requires a balance of growth and stability.

Mutual funds are an excellent choice for long-term wealth creation. Choosing the right categories enhances returns.

Selecting the Right Mutual Fund Categories
Flexi Cap Funds
These funds invest across large, mid, and small-cap stocks. They adjust based on market opportunities.

They provide stability while capturing growth potential. A strong fund manager ensures effective allocation.

This category suits long-term wealth creation. It balances risk and returns efficiently.

Large & Mid Cap Funds
They invest in large and mid-sized companies. This provides a mix of stability and high growth.

Mid-cap exposure enhances returns over long periods. Large caps add stability during market corrections.

Ideal for goals like home purchase and child’s education. They provide strong long-term growth.

Mid Cap Funds
These funds focus on mid-sized companies with strong growth potential. They outperform large caps over long periods.

Higher volatility requires patience. Staying invested ensures significant wealth accumulation.

Best suited for long-term goals beyond 7-10 years. They add high-growth potential to the portfolio.

Balanced Advantage Funds
These funds dynamically shift between equity and debt. This reduces risk while capturing market upside.

They provide stability during market downturns. This ensures smoother investment growth.

Ideal for goals with moderate risk appetite. Suitable for child’s education and home purchase.

International Funds
Adding international exposure improves diversification. It reduces dependence on the Indian economy.

Investing in global giants enhances portfolio quality. These funds offer exposure to sectors not available in India.

A small allocation provides a balanced portfolio. Helps in hedging against local market fluctuations.

Avoiding Index Funds and Direct Funds
Index funds only follow the market. They do not generate extra returns through active management.

Actively managed funds have experienced fund managers. They help beat market returns over the long term.

Direct funds require personal management. Investing through an MFD with a CFP ensures expert guidance.

Regular plans provide better long-term outcomes. This avoids costly mistakes in fund selection.

Asset Allocation for Your Goals
Allocate across different fund categories. This balances growth, risk, and stability.

Equity exposure should be dominant. This ensures high returns over 10 years.

Debt allocation should be minimal at this stage. It can increase closer to goal timelines.

A systematic investment approach ensures disciplined wealth creation. This reduces market timing risks.

Investment Strategy for Rs. 30,000 SIP
Flexi Cap Fund – Rs. 7,500 per month

Large & Mid Cap Fund – Rs. 6,000 per month

Mid Cap Fund – Rs. 5,500 per month

Balanced Advantage Fund – Rs. 5,000 per month

International Fund – Rs. 3,000 per month

Sectoral/Thematic Fund (Optional) – Rs. 3,000 per month

Managing Risk and Returns
Long-term investing reduces volatility risks. Staying invested for 10 years ensures compounding benefits.

Periodic review helps in adjusting allocations. A CFP can guide portfolio rebalancing based on market conditions.

Diversification enhances stability. Multiple categories reduce concentration risk.

Avoid frequent changes. Switching funds often affects returns negatively.

SIP and STP for Additional Investments
If you have lump sum funds, invest via STP. This reduces market timing risks.

A systematic transfer plan moves money gradually. This captures market movements effectively.

A mix of SIP and STP ensures better entry points. This enhances long-term returns.

Tax Efficiency and Withdrawal Planning
Long-term capital gains tax applies after one year. Keeping funds for 10 years optimises tax efficiency.

Systematic withdrawal planning is important. Structured withdrawals minimise tax outgo.

Tax-saving funds can be considered for additional benefits. These provide deductions under Section 80C.

Final Insights
A well-planned SIP strategy helps achieve Rs. 1 crore and beyond.

A mix of flexi cap, mid cap, and balanced funds creates stability.

Avoiding index and direct funds improves returns. Expert guidance ensures better fund selection.

Periodic reviews and disciplined investing are key. Staying invested ensures wealth creation.

Diversification across asset classes adds protection. International exposure provides additional benefits.

Your goals are achievable with proper planning. A structured approach ensures financial success.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7720 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 30, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 30, 2025Hindi
Money
Which are the best mutual funds in India as of January 2025 for long term wealth generation of 1 crore and above with SIP 30000/month for 10 years. Expenses Child Education, Marriage, New Home.
Ans: You are making a great decision to invest Rs. 30,000 per month. This disciplined approach helps build significant wealth.

Your goals include child’s education, marriage, and a new home. Each goal requires a well-structured investment strategy.

You want to accumulate Rs. 1 crore or more in 10 years. Achieving this requires a balance of growth and stability.

Mutual funds are an excellent choice for long-term wealth creation. Choosing the right categories enhances returns.

Selecting the Right Mutual Fund Categories
Flexi Cap Funds
These funds invest across large, mid, and small-cap stocks. They adjust based on market opportunities.

They provide stability while capturing growth potential. A strong fund manager ensures effective allocation.

This category suits long-term wealth creation. It balances risk and returns efficiently.

Large & Mid Cap Funds
They invest in large and mid-sized companies. This provides a mix of stability and high growth.

Mid-cap exposure enhances returns over long periods. Large caps add stability during market corrections.

Ideal for goals like home purchase and child’s education. They provide strong long-term growth.

Mid Cap Funds
These funds focus on mid-sized companies with strong growth potential. They outperform large caps over long periods.

Higher volatility requires patience. Staying invested ensures significant wealth accumulation.

Best suited for long-term goals beyond 7-10 years. They add high-growth potential to the portfolio.

Balanced Advantage Funds
These funds dynamically shift between equity and debt. This reduces risk while capturing market upside.

They provide stability during market downturns. This ensures smoother investment growth.

Ideal for goals with moderate risk appetite. Suitable for child’s education and home purchase.

International Funds
Adding international exposure improves diversification. It reduces dependence on the Indian economy.

Investing in global giants enhances portfolio quality. These funds offer exposure to sectors not available in India.

A small allocation provides a balanced portfolio. Helps in hedging against local market fluctuations.

Avoiding Index Funds and Direct Funds
Index funds only follow the market. They do not generate extra returns through active management.

Actively managed funds have experienced fund managers. They help beat market returns over the long term.

Direct funds require personal management. Investing through an MFD with a CFP ensures expert guidance.

Regular plans provide better long-term outcomes. This avoids costly mistakes in fund selection.

Asset Allocation for Your Goals
Allocate across different fund categories. This balances growth, risk, and stability.

Equity exposure should be dominant. This ensures high returns over 10 years.

Debt allocation should be minimal at this stage. It can increase closer to goal timelines.

A systematic investment approach ensures disciplined wealth creation. This reduces market timing risks.

Investment Strategy for Rs. 30,000 SIP
Flexi Cap Fund – Rs. 7,500 per month

Large & Mid Cap Fund – Rs. 6,000 per month

Mid Cap Fund – Rs. 5,500 per month

Balanced Advantage Fund – Rs. 5,000 per month

International Fund – Rs. 3,000 per month

Sectoral/Thematic Fund (Optional) – Rs. 3,000 per month

Managing Risk and Returns
Long-term investing reduces volatility risks. Staying invested for 10 years ensures compounding benefits.

Periodic review helps in adjusting allocations. A CFP can guide portfolio rebalancing based on market conditions.

Diversification enhances stability. Multiple categories reduce concentration risk.

Avoid frequent changes. Switching funds often affects returns negatively.

SIP and STP for Additional Investments
If you have lump sum funds, invest via STP. This reduces market timing risks.

A systematic transfer plan moves money gradually. This captures market movements effectively.

A mix of SIP and STP ensures better entry points. This enhances long-term returns.

Tax Efficiency and Withdrawal Planning
Long-term capital gains tax applies after one year. Keeping funds for 10 years optimises tax efficiency.

Systematic withdrawal planning is important. Structured withdrawals minimise tax outgo.

Tax-saving funds can be considered for additional benefits. These provide deductions under Section 80C.

Final Insights
A well-planned SIP strategy helps achieve Rs. 1 crore and beyond.

A mix of flexi cap, mid cap, and balanced funds creates stability.

Avoiding index and direct funds improves returns. Expert guidance ensures better fund selection.

Periodic reviews and disciplined investing are key. Staying invested ensures wealth creation.

Diversification across asset classes adds protection. International exposure provides additional benefits.

Your goals are achievable with proper planning. A structured approach ensures financial success.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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