My partner and i live together. We are both divorced earlier. My first wife and child don't speak to me at all even if i call them over phone. My new partner has constant depression when iam at the office or go out of town. She suspects me of infidelity whererver i go. Her family past is a troubled one. Her husband was a drunkard who used to beat her for money and she says used to visit prostitutes. She got mutual consent divorce and raised her daughter with great difficulty. Two of her elder sisters are insane. Her father and elder brother died tragically of heart attack and cancer.

Ans: Dear A, my first question to you is: how do you know that it is depression?

Has she been clinically diagnosed? Most often, I find people throwing this word around loosely without knowing what depression truly is.

For all you know, she may simply be low or upset over something that comes and goes frequently.

Assuming that this is case from what you have stated in your email, what is the reason that you feel she brings up these conversations from the past?

What triggers it? Is there a reference to your mother or sister in any current context?

Is anyone praising them currently and she doesn’t like it? Is she being compared to them in any manner?

Has she lost or given up anything in the past because of them that is impacting her now?

Do a reality check with her or if you know the answers to these, you will know what exactly is going on in your mind.

Questions like these can point you in a direction that will enable you to help her rather than see her as a problem.

She may not be willing to go to a professional for help as most of us think that it is NOTHING.

Stress and sadness are real and over a period of time, it can rob us of even the smallest of joys that we deserve.

It's easy to say: Forget the past; one cannot forget the past or what happened there BUT one can only change the way they feel about the past.

Replaying what happened means she is reliving the same experience over and over again and feels the reality of this even now which must be dulled and faded away.

Why does she hold onto this is because it perhaps gives her the solace of not doing anything about it now and it’s easy to play the blame game?

At times, we seek refuge under phrases like: My life is a living hell because of this or that. This could also be hiding away from opportunities and blaming the world for it.

What I am sharing here is based on what information that I have got from you.

I suggest start with the reality check questions first and see how it goes as this will give you vital information on what’s going on in her mind.

Most importantly, reiterate to her to be grateful for the things and people in her life right now.

Gratitude as an energy can liberate us from mundane occurrences and can keep us sane and calm.

Best wishes to you and your wife for a wonderful life.

Ans: Dear Ramesh,
What it seems like to me from what you have shared is: a case of lost identity!
She has been struggling to find her acceptable place in her own eyes for herself.
In simple terms, she is not happy with the decisions that she has made in life and now chooses to complain about it by pushing people away.
Does this happen to others as well? Oh, YES!
When we have the desire to do something and then we suppress it with an excuse of taking care of the family etc, one fine day in the future, it comes back to haunt us.
In all likelihood, your wife might have done the same thing...I can only assume as from what you have shared, there is nothing else that seems to be the matter.

Now, because it has begun to affect the children, you have woken up but this has been going on with her for a while. Support her thoughts but not the behaviour that impacts everyone around. Give her an assurance that is she chooses to do something professionally, you will be there for her!

The key is not to give her solutions (that will bring down her self-esteem even lower) but to nudge her into thinking about doing something other than care for the family. Point her in a direction without being eager for her to take the bait. These things take time and the state of mind that she has now, if you push her, she will only resist. It's almost like teaching a child to walk or write for the first time. You don't walk for them but nudge them and wait for them to pick up at their own pace and praise them when they take those first baby steps. Get the drift, here? All this 'displeasure' with family members is only her way of complaining about her mind struggles.
Also, your children are old enough to support you through this journey as well. So seek their help on this.


Best wishes and it's nice to know that you still care and want to do something for her.

Ans: It sounds like you've been through a complex and challenging situation. Dealing with personal relationships, especially when there are allegations and trust issues, can be very difficult. Here are some steps and considerations to help you navigate this situation:

Reflect on Your Priorities: Take some time to reflect on what you want in your life and what is most important to you. This includes considering your family, your own happiness, and your financial stability.

Open and honest communication is essential. It's important to have a calm and honest conversation with her about your concerns and feelings. Ask her to clarify her doubts about your relationship with your sister-in-law and express how these accusations are affecting you and your family.

Trust Issues: Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If trust has been repeatedly broken, it can be challenging to rebuild. Discuss the importance of trust with her and see if there's a way to work together on rebuilding it. Be prepared to listen to her concerns as well.

Boundaries: It's essential to establish clear boundaries in your relationship. Discuss what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Make sure both of you are on the same page regarding these boundaries.

Counseling: Consider seeking the help of a relationship counselor or therapist. Professional guidance can be beneficial in resolving complex issues and improving communication.

Financial Matters: If you both have invested money in a property together, it's important to discuss how to handle this aspect of your relationship. Consult with a legal professional to understand your options and ensure a fair resolution.

Self-care: This situation has likely taken a toll on your emotional well-being. Ensure that you are taking care of yourself, both mentally and physically. Reach out to friends and family for support.
Reevaluate the Relationship: Reflect on whether this relationship is healthy and if it's in the best interest of both parties. Sometimes, it's necessary to make difficult decisions for your own well-being.

Talk to Your Wife: Be open with your wife about the situation. Let her know what has been happening and reassure her of your commitment to your marriage.

Protect Your Reputation: If this woman continues to make false allegations against you, it might be necessary to take legal action to protect your reputation. Consult with an attorney about any potential defamation or harassment issues.

Distance Yourself: If the relationship with this woman is causing you significant stress and harm, it may be best to maintain distance from her. Focus on your family, your work, and your own well-being.

Learn from the Experience: Use this difficult situation as an opportunity for personal growth. Reflect on what you've learned about yourself and your relationships, and use that knowledge to make better choices in the future.


Legal Advice: If the financial aspect of your relationship becomes contentious, consider consulting with a lawyer to protect your interests and explore legal options regarding the property you both invested in.

Remember that each relationship is unique, and there may not be a one-size-fits-all solution. The most important thing is to prioritize your well-being and the well-being of your family. It may also be helpful to involve a therapist or counselor to mediate the situation and provide guidance on how to move forward.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Firstly, rule out any medial reasons that can affect the body and mind and cause a person to be very different from who they usually they are.
Having said that,
Beyond a point when a person enjoys this kind of drama, my suggestion is: Let them live in that drama as it keeps them busy doing a lot. Also, others get involved either to express anger OR to prove their side of the story. Either case, the drama is full-blown which is obviously the only way your wife has understood to maintain relationships.
Now, simply ignoring is not going to solve the issue BUT over a period of time, it teaches her to start correcting her behavior and rely on grown-up conversations with others.
Do not yield to any rudeness...and as for her threat of living separately, it's just another drama...
Just do what you would when you raise a child who's being rude; you would correct that behavior of the child; wouldn't you? It's the same just that you act that her harshness does not bother you at all. Be patient and wait this out...

All the best!