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Married man in interfaith seeks advice on wife's ex-boyfriend's presence

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Ashish Sehgal has over 20 years of experience as a counsellor. He holds a doctorate in neuro linguistic programming, mental health and social welfare.He is certified in neurolinguistics by both the Society of NLP and the American Board of NLP.... more
mohan Question by mohan on Dec 17, 2024Hindi
Relationship

Dear Doctor, Greetings of the day. I am a married man with two daughters. Ours was an intercaste love marriage, and I was fully aware of my wife’s past before we got married. At that time, I had no issues with her past as I believed she had moved on, and I was completely fine with it. We got married in 2008, and due to my job profile, we had to live away from our hometown. My wife is a highly educated woman, and she sacrificed her career to focus on raising our children. Once our younger daughter turned 9, we decided it was time for my wife to resume her professional career. She started a naturopathy clinic in our hometown, while I continued working in another city, living the life of a “forced bachelor.” However, after a year of being apart, I started missing my family deeply. I decided to leave my job and take up another role closer to our hometown so that I could spend weekends with my family. Since then, whenever I visit home, I sense a change in my wife’s behavior and body language. Things do not feel the same between us anymore. I have observed that her ex-boyfriend, who lives near her parents’ house, is a factor in this situation. Her ex’s elder sister frequently visits my wife’s clinic, and my wife also visits her parents’ house regularly, where he is around. I feel uneasy about this because her ex is known to be a drunkard and a manipulative man who can play with her mind. On one occasion, during a family function, he approached me, seemingly about to start a conversation, but my wife made a subtle signal, and he immediately stopped. He was drunk at the time, and that incident has been stuck in my mind ever since. I am unsure how to deal with this situation or what steps to take moving forward. It is affecting my peace of mind, and I feel lost. Kindly guide me on how to approach this matter.

Ans: It’s understandable that you’re feeling uneasy and concerned about the situation. Relationships, especially long-term ones, evolve over time, and external factors can create complex dynamics. Here’s a step-by-step approach to help you navigate this:

1. Clarify Your Feelings
Reflect on what exactly is making you uncomfortable—your wife’s behavior, her interactions with her ex, or the idea that her past might be resurfacing.
Separate your assumptions from facts. It’s important to ensure your concerns are grounded in reality and not solely based on fears.
2. Open Communication with Your Wife
Choose a calm and private moment to talk to your wife. Share your feelings without accusations or judgment.
Use “I” statements, such as:
“I’ve been feeling uneasy about some things and would like to discuss them with you. I value our relationship and want to ensure we’re on the same page.”
Be honest but gentle. Aim to understand her perspective and ensure she feels safe sharing her thoughts with you.
3. Understand Her Perspective
Ask her how she’s feeling about the current state of your relationship, her work-life balance, and your family dynamics.
Inquire about her interactions with her ex’s family and clarify if they are merely coincidental or something more deliberate.
4. Establish Boundaries
If the situation with her ex is a source of discomfort for you, it’s okay to express that and set boundaries together.
For example: “I respect your independence, but I feel uneasy about the proximity to your ex. Can we find a way to address this together?”
5. Revisit the Relationship Foundation
Long-distance and career changes can create emotional gaps. Reconnect with your wife by revisiting shared goals, dreams, and moments that brought you together.
Plan activities together, even small ones, that allow you to strengthen your bond.
6. Self-Care
Feeling lost and restless can impact your mental and emotional health. Engage in activities that help you stay grounded, such as exercise, meditation, or journaling.
Seek support from trusted friends or a counselor if you need a safe space to process your feelings.
7. Consider Professional Guidance
If the situation continues to strain your relationship, couples counseling can be a constructive way to work through concerns with an objective third party.
8. Evaluate the Bigger Picture
Look at your wife’s overall behavior and commitment to the family. If her actions consistently demonstrate care and loyalty, the presence of her ex might be less significant than it feels.
Conversely, if her behavior indicates distance or secrecy, it may warrant deeper introspection and conversation.
Key Principles
Trust but Verify: While trust is essential, it’s okay to seek clarity when something feels off.
Non-Confrontational Approach: Avoid making accusations or assumptions. Focus on fostering mutual understanding.
Focus on Solutions: Work together to create a relationship environment where both of you feel secure and valued.
This is a sensitive issue, but with open communication and a collaborative approach, you can work toward restoring peace of mind and a deeper connection in your marriage.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2022

Listen
Relationship
Dear Love Guru, My wife and I are in an arranged marriage since around 15 years and there is nothing that we celebrate about our relationship, except kids which are the only reason for our existing relations. I am working abroad and have visits for a month on vacation after every couple of months. After marriage, I noticed my wife’s flirting behaviour with strange men (to seduce) during many occasions but initially ignored it. However, I found it frustrating when I felt her to be habitual flirter. I then spoke to her, which was after around 2.5 years of our marriage, and she denied the matter. Soon noticing such perpetual habits about her, we went on for non-talking terms some time and then a storm broke out in our house. My parents and her parents supported her, since I couldn’t prove any of her behaviour. She has been lying since her behaviour was noticed and even after that, but my love for her and my child (at that time) made me feel that probably that I need to avoid any suspicious behaviour. Such storm was repeated even recently few years earlier. I had thought my idea of a second child would improve our relations, but it hasn’t helped. I could still notice her flirting behaviour with strangers and even with known personnel including my relatives. I even believe her to be in relationship with one of my cousins, based on my observations of their behaviour during our every meet, which I cannot speak of due to my previous experience and which will otherwise definitely terminate our relations. Actually, we are never on good terms these days whenever I visit home and mostly converse only if required. We are also not good in bed and I have also been feeling a low erectile in bed these days. These moments have affected me psychologically and I feel very negative about our relationship. My family remains my priority and I have been trying to see that we all are all happy as a family. I have even sacrificed my own family time for better earnings so that my family can get all the best in life. She takes good care of the children and manages the house nicely. I also ensure that we, as a family, go out on long journeys for travel and my children are everything for me. I have trying to cope up with all this by focusing on work and socialising with friends to the best extent possible. However, her behaviour (in spite of my presence) makes me feel negative. How can I deal with the matter since any re-attempt on my part to speak on the same matter, even if cordially, with my wife will create another storm like earlier? I wish to sort out the differences and need your advice. Should we meet a counsellor separately on this to sort out the matter? Keep me anonymous and respect my privacy.
Ans:

You’ve been sweeping the same issues your marriage has faced from the very beginning under the carpet for 15 years. Why?

And instead of addressing the issues, you decided to go ahead and have a second child?

Having a child is a joy in itself, but it is never the solution to marital woes; in fact, in most cases it only exacerbates the problem.

From everything you’ve told me, you seem to come across as an insecure husband.

I’m not saying that what you’ve told me is untrue, but you keep suspecting your wife of flirting with random men and have no proof of it.

Both sides of the family support her and let me tell you, unless she is a master of deception, no one can conceal their true nature so well from everyone else for the better part of two decades.

Maybe what you construe as flirting is simply her being friendly? Maybe you’re just not comfortable with the manner in which she interacts with other men?

Have you ever managed to prove her inappropriate relations? And when you accuse her, she blows up at you... a guilty party would not react in so volatile a manner.

I do think marital counselling is in order. And yes, maybe separately at first and then together.

Contact a good therapist and do it sooner rather than later... 15 years has been long enough!

 

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |570 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 07, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
I am 40 year old and married for 14 years but what happened in 2011 was me n my wife was working in a same company and my wife became close to a colleague on the same floor we work. She was very friendly n one day her colleague proposed her via her friend my wife didn't tell me n she felt very excited about it and after she became very friendly with him after few days she was ignoring me and she expressed her feelings too.but soon she realised she is going wrong and i noticed her changed behaviour and soon she started ignoring tht guy but he came n offered her chocolate and my wife informed me saying this guy's intentions I ask her to tie raakhi she tried but he was running away later we logged out she asked me to stop him and I forced him to him to tie raakhi and my wife was tying and he said I love u. I gve a tight slap to tht guy. Soon after he left the job. We were still working and left the office n joined different companies.after 6 months she went to same office for 2 months. And suddenly she left the job.Now after 12 years her TL met with my ex colleague and shared he working in tht office my colleague asked hey in tht same office my friend was working with his wife and her TL said ohh yeah his wife had n affair with other guy and he asked his wife to raakhi. And my ex colleague called me n said the same to me and since then I have so many doubts on my wife and after few days she confessed she had feelings for him and she already knew he likes her and she said it was just a feeling. Now we are having difference between us. Please help what can be done now I'm getting disturbed alot. 12 years this was secret.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear that you are facing such issues. Doubt is very destructive in a relationship. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner regarding what happened in the past. Don't push her to give you all the details; it will not contribute positively to your well-being. Aim for a more balanced and productive discussion.

You have to recognize that all these happened many years back. It's in the past. And you cannot change it. While it's essential to acknowledge and understand them, dwelling on them may impact your peace of mind. Focus on the present and try to build a more transparent and communicative relationship in the present. Take this opportunity to work together and strengthen your marriage.

Best Wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1587 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 19, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hi there, i am going through a difficult phase in my life, i dont know where to start but here my story goes. i work in UAE and i had a balanced and peaceful life until last November where i got married (arranged). we first met last year in march through marriage broker and everything matched, family also liked and we got married in November 2023. Before marriage we used to speak for 10-15 mins almost everyday (all casual talks and i thought everything was ok and she was the perfect match for me and my family). so after marriage i travelled back to uae and was supposed to bring her to UAE in Jan 2024. I had one past relationship for 2 years and we had broken up last year February as she was a from north of india and i was from south India and our families were against it and she wanted to go against family and get married but i was not ready as for me family became priority and we broke up. And after this relationship ended then only this match happened and after one month of my marriage my ex reached out to my wife and shared our relationship details and my wife got very upset and went back to her home. I travelled back to india to console her and tell her that it was my past and i am no longer in relation with my ex and our family involved and sorted this issue. My wife came back to us and everything was normal after that. My wife came to UAE in January 2024 and we started our married life here. All seemed good until i noticed a pattern of her taking to a person on phone everyday when i am out for office and also being very cautious with her phone. On confronting this she told its is her friend and i told her what is the point in talking to him daily for which she cried and told that i am controlling and she dont have freedom to talk to her friends. I left it as she was at home alone and bored and she was also looking for job here and may be with time she will change but still the talking continued until one day in May i was uploading her resume for her job and had access to her google photos and was shocked to see her photos with the guy whom she calls friend. There were photos of her with him after our marriage and also photos with him the day before she came to UAE. I confronted this with her and she cried and told that previously she had relation with him and parents did not agree and later she married me and had forgotten him but since she came to know about my past relationship she continued to stay in contact with him. She is not telling the complete story as i saw their photos before our marriage and even before our match happened and I have also seen her google location timelines as well. I told her to stop this if we want to continue our marriage she told ok but she still talks & chats to him through watsapp & botim because she is very secretive of her phone. She takes good care of me and tells she loves me but I am not sure she really loves me or just faking it. Now she is 3 months pregnant. I am thinking she will leave me for her ex giving me the baby after the baby is born as she mentioned this during one of our arguments. This is one side of my story and between all this my mom fell sick and upon consulting, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer stage 3A and I tried to get her the best treatment (chemo) but the cancer has spread widely and because of her age also she cannot take the treatment. Tried ayurvedic and herbal medicines but nothing can be done and doctors have told max she will live is 6 months. She is bedridden now and in pain everyday. I have a decent job in Dubai with decent salary where I have built my own house in my native and managing my home (parents in india & wife is UAE) but currently my finances is also effected very badly as I spent lot of money for our marriage and for my mothers treatment and I have loans and multiple credit cards as well. I am very stressed and all these things are eating me up daily and i don't know what to do and what went wrong and where? Even i cannot focus on my job as well. Please advise how can i go about these situation. i cannot share these to anyone also, Please advise.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It is always better that your spouse hears about your past from you and no one else.
Obviously your ex decided to have the best revenge by reaching out to your wife and it has made its mark as it has messed with your wife's head and seeped within your marriage making it difficult for the two of you to have a relationship. And now, a baby as well when your relationship is still messed up?
Sort this out before the baby arrives. No point wondering is she is going to leave you etc. Why could your wife not trust you even when you ex came back with stories, I wonder!
Do you both realize the lack of communication has resulted in a breakdown of trust? Can you reconnect at least now and at least for the sake of the child?
Come together as a couple and learn to love, support and trust and the only way to do that is by keeping the last away...
Is it possible? YES! Only if you choose it...
So, make that choice of working on the marriage, keep the past out and think of how to move ahead...Easier said and also done...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Latest Questions
Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |4421 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Apr 13, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 12, 2025Hindi
Listen
Career
i got 86.02 percentile in jee mains, i am under SC category from WEST BENGAL. can i get NIT DURGAPUR CSE BRANCH or any other branch
Ans: Here is, How to Predict Your Chances of Admission into NIT or IIIT or GFTI After JEE Main Results – A Step-by-Step Guide.

Providing precise admission chances for each student can be challenging. Some reputed educational websites offer ‘College Predictor’ tools where you can check possible college options based on your percentile, category, and preferences. However, for a more accurate understanding, here’s a simple yet effective 9-step method using JoSAA’s past-year opening and closing ranks. This approach gives you a fair estimate (though not 100% exact) of your admission chances based on the previous year’s data.

Step-by-Step Guide to Check Your Admission Chances Using JoSAA Data
Step 1: Collect Your Key Details
Before starting, note down the following details:

Your JEE Main percentile
Your category (General-Open, SC, ST, OBC-NCL, EWS, PwD categories)
Preferred institute types (NIT, IIIT, GFTI)
Preferred locations (or if you're open to any location in India)
List of at least 3 preferred academic programs (branches) as backups (instead of relying on just one option)
Step 2: Access JoSAA’s Official Opening & Closing Ranks
Go to Google and type: JoSAA Opening & Closing Ranks 2024
Click on the first search result (official JoSAA website).
You will land directly on JoSAA’s portal, where you can enter your details to check past-year cutoffs.
Step 3: Select the Round Number
JoSAA conducts five rounds of counseling.
For a safer estimate, choose Round 4, as most admissions are settled by this round.
Step 4: Choose the Institute Type
Select NIT, IIIT, or GFTI, depending on your preference.
If you are open to all types of institutes, check them one by one instead of selecting all at once.
Step 5: Select the Institute Name (Based on Location)
It is recommended to check institutes one by one, based on your preferred locations.
Avoid selecting ‘ALL’ at once, as it may create confusion.
Step 6: Select Your Preferred Academic Program (Branch)
Enter the branches you are interested in, one at a time, in your preferred order.
Step 7: Submit and Analyze Results
After selecting the relevant details, click the ‘SUBMIT’ button.
The system will display Opening & Closing Ranks of the selected institute and branch for different categories.
Step 8: Note Down the Opening & Closing Ranks
Maintain a notebook or diary to record the Opening & Closing Ranks for each institute and branch you are interested in.
This will serve as a quick reference during JoSAA counseling.
Step 9: Adjust Your Expectations on a Safer Side
Since Opening & Closing Ranks fluctuate slightly each year, always adjust the numbers for safety.
Example Calculation:
If the Opening & Closing Ranks for NIT Delhi | Mechanical Engineering | OPEN Category show 8622 & 26186 (for Home State), consider adjusting them to 8300 & 23000 (on a safer side).
If the Female Category rank is 34334 & 36212, adjust it to 31000 & 33000.
Follow this approach for Other State candidates and different categories.
Pro Tip: Adjust your expected rank slightly lower than the previous year's cutoffs for realistic expectations during JoSAA counseling.

Can This Method Be Used for JEE April & JEE Advanced?
Yes! You can repeat the same steps after your April JEE Main results to refine your admission possibilities.
You can also follow a similar process for JEE Advanced cutoffs when applying for IITs.

Want to Learn More About JoSAA Counseling?
If you want detailed insights on JoSAA counseling, engineering entrance exams, preparation strategies, and engineering career options, check out EduJob360’s 180+ YouTube videos on this topic!

Hope this guide helps! All the best for your admissions!

Follow RediffGURUS to Know more on 'Careers | Health | Money | Relationships'.

...Read more

Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |4421 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Apr 13, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 12, 2025Hindi
Listen
Career
What are the chances to get admission for my son in NIT Trichy or Surathkal or Warangal if he gets around 149 marks in the Apr session of JEE mains 2025. We are from general category & would like to pursue for either Data Science or Electronics of Chemical Engineering. If not these institutes what are the chances for other govt institutes.
Ans: Here is, How to Predict Your Son's Chances of Admission into NIT or IIIT or GFTI After JEE Main Results – A Step-by-Step Guide.

Providing precise admission chances for each student can be challenging. Some reputed educational websites offer ‘College Predictor’ tools where you can check possible college options based on your percentile, category, and preferences. However, for a more accurate understanding, here’s a simple yet effective 9-step method using JoSAA’s past-year opening and closing ranks. This approach gives you a fair estimate (though not 100% exact) of your admission chances based on the previous year’s data.

Step-by-Step Guide to Check Your Son's Admission Chances Using JoSAA Data
Step 1: Collect His Key Details
Before starting, note down the following details:

His JEE Main percentile
His category (General-Open, SC, ST, OBC-NCL, EWS, PwD categories)
His Preferred institute types (NIT, IIIT, GFTI)
His Preferred locations (or if he is open to any location in India)
List of at least his 3 preferred academic programs (branches) as backups (instead of relying on just one option)
Step 2: Access JoSAA’s Official Opening & Closing Ranks
Go to Google and type: JoSAA Opening & Closing Ranks 2024
Click on the first search result (official JoSAA website).
You will land directly on JoSAA’s portal, where you can enter your details to check past-year cutoffs.
Step 3: Select the Round Number
JoSAA conducts five rounds of counseling.
For a safer estimate, choose Round 4, as most admissions are settled by this round.
Step 4: Choose the Institute Type
Select NIT, IIIT, or GFTI, depending on your preference.
If he is open to all types of institutes, check them one by one instead of selecting all at once.
Step 5: Select the Institute Name (Based on Location)
It is recommended to check institutes one by one, based on your preferred locations.
Avoid selecting ‘ALL’ at once, as it may create confusion.
Step 6: Select His Preferred Academic Program (Branch)
Enter the branches he is interested in, one at a time, in your preferred order.
Step 7: Submit and Analyze Results
After selecting the relevant details, click the ‘SUBMIT’ button.
The system will display Opening & Closing Ranks of the selected institute and branch for different categories.
Step 8: Note Down the Opening & Closing Ranks
Maintain a notebook or diary to record the Opening & Closing Ranks for each institute and branch you are interested in.
This will serve as a quick reference during JoSAA counseling.
Step 9: Adjust Your Expectations on a Safer Side
Since Opening & Closing Ranks fluctuate slightly each year, always adjust the numbers for safety.
Example Calculation:
If the Opening & Closing Ranks for NIT Delhi | Mechanical Engineering | OPEN Category show 8622 & 26186 (for Home State), consider adjusting them to 8300 & 23000 (on a safer side).
If the Female Category rank is 34334 & 36212, adjust it to 31000 & 33000.
Follow this approach for Other State candidates and different categories.
Pro Tip: Adjust your expected rank slightly lower than the previous year's cutoffs for realistic expectations during JoSAA counseling.

Can This Method Be Used for JEE April & JEE Advanced?
Yes! You can repeat the same steps after your April JEE Main results to refine your admission possibilities.
You can also follow a similar process for JEE Advanced cutoffs when applying for IITs.

Want to Learn More About JoSAA Counseling?
If you want detailed insights on JoSAA counseling, engineering entrance exams, preparation strategies, and engineering career options, check out EduJob360’s 180+ YouTube videos on this topic!

Hope this guide helps! All the best for your Son's admissions!

Follow RediffGURUS to Know more on 'Careers | Health | Money | Relationships'.

...Read more

Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |4421 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Apr 13, 2025

Listen
Career
My son got 94.56 percentage in jee mains in OBC category.he passed 12th delhi school.his residency in gurugram haryana.which college he can gwt
Ans: Here is, How to Predict Your Son's Chances of Admission into NIT or IIIT or GFTI After JEE Main Results – A Step-by-Step Guide.

Providing precise admission chances for each student can be challenging. Some reputed educational websites offer ‘College Predictor’ tools where you can check possible college options based on your percentile, category, and preferences. However, for a more accurate understanding, here’s a simple yet effective 9-step method using JoSAA’s past-year opening and closing ranks. This approach gives you a fair estimate (though not 100% exact) of your admission chances based on the previous year’s data.

Step-by-Step Guide to Check Your Son's Admission Chances Using JoSAA Data
Step 1: Collect His Key Details
Before starting, note down the following details:

His JEE Main percentile
His category (General-Open, SC, ST, OBC-NCL, EWS, PwD categories)
His Preferred institute types (NIT, IIIT, GFTI)
His Preferred locations (or if he is open to any location in India)
List of at least his 3 preferred academic programs (branches) as backups (instead of relying on just one option)
Step 2: Access JoSAA’s Official Opening & Closing Ranks
Go to Google and type: JoSAA Opening & Closing Ranks 2024
Click on the first search result (official JoSAA website).
You will land directly on JoSAA’s portal, where you can enter your details to check past-year cutoffs.
Step 3: Select the Round Number
JoSAA conducts five rounds of counseling.
For a safer estimate, choose Round 4, as most admissions are settled by this round.
Step 4: Choose the Institute Type
Select NIT, IIIT, or GFTI, depending on your preference.
If he is open to all types of institutes, check them one by one instead of selecting all at once.
Step 5: Select the Institute Name (Based on Location)
It is recommended to check institutes one by one, based on your preferred locations.
Avoid selecting ‘ALL’ at once, as it may create confusion.
Step 6: Select His Preferred Academic Program (Branch)
Enter the branches he is interested in, one at a time, in your preferred order.
Step 7: Submit and Analyze Results
After selecting the relevant details, click the ‘SUBMIT’ button.
The system will display Opening & Closing Ranks of the selected institute and branch for different categories.
Step 8: Note Down the Opening & Closing Ranks
Maintain a notebook or diary to record the Opening & Closing Ranks for each institute and branch you are interested in.
This will serve as a quick reference during JoSAA counseling.
Step 9: Adjust Your Expectations on a Safer Side
Since Opening & Closing Ranks fluctuate slightly each year, always adjust the numbers for safety.
Example Calculation:
If the Opening & Closing Ranks for NIT Delhi | Mechanical Engineering | OPEN Category show 8622 & 26186 (for Home State), consider adjusting them to 8300 & 23000 (on a safer side).
If the Female Category rank is 34334 & 36212, adjust it to 31000 & 33000.
Follow this approach for Other State candidates and different categories.
Pro Tip: Adjust your expected rank slightly lower than the previous year's cutoffs for realistic expectations during JoSAA counseling.

Can This Method Be Used for JEE April & JEE Advanced?
Yes! You can repeat the same steps after your April JEE Main results to refine your admission possibilities.
You can also follow a similar process for JEE Advanced cutoffs when applying for IITs.

Want to Learn More About JoSAA Counseling?
If you want detailed insights on JoSAA counseling, engineering entrance exams, preparation strategies, and engineering career options, check out EduJob360’s 180+ YouTube videos on this topic!

Hope this guide helps! All the best for your Son's admissions!

Follow RediffGURUS to Know more on 'Careers | Health | Money | Relationships'.

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |1168 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Apr 13, 2025

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8227 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 12, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 12, 2025Hindi
Money
I've recently lost my job and I'm in the process of looking for new opportunities. While I manage my job search, I'm also facing a situation where my father is in the hospital, and I need to manage both my finances and care for him. I have some savings, but I'm unsure how to balance my financial needs with the hospital expenses and ongoing bills. How can I manage my finances in the short term while looking for a job and dealing with hospital-related costs? Should I use my emergency fund for these expenses, or should I prioritize keeping that fund intact for more severe emergencies? I'm concerned that if I use too much of my savings, I may not be able to cover my basic living expenses if the job search takes longer than expected.
Ans: I’m truly sorry to hear about your current situation. It is tough to manage job loss and a family medical emergency at the same time. You’re showing great strength by trying to plan wisely. Let us now work through this together, step by step, with a simple and balanced plan.

Let’s focus on protecting your savings, handling current bills, and preparing for the next 3–6 months with a calm approach.

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Review All Financial Resources First

• List your current savings, emergency fund, and other funds in bank accounts.

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• Note all monthly expenses like rent, groceries, bills, and hospital costs.

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• If you have any fixed deposits or investments, mark which ones can be broken easily without penalty.

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• Avoid withdrawing from long-term mutual funds unless there is no other option.

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• Create a written note of how long your money will last without any income.

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Emergency Fund: Yes, Use It – But Mindfully

• Emergency fund is made for times like this. You can use it now.

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• Use it first for medical and basic monthly needs only.

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• Avoid spending it on non-essential expenses or lifestyle extras.

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• Try to keep at least 1–2 months’ worth of expenses in reserve even now.

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• You can refill this fund later once you are employed again.

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Cut Down on Non-Essential Spending

• Pause or reduce spending on entertainment, subscriptions, and non-urgent items.

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• Avoid buying anything on EMI or credit during this phase.

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• Inform your family gently about the need to cut back temporarily.

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• Cook at home, reduce travel, and delay purchases like gadgets or clothes.

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Talk to Hospital About Payment Options

• Some hospitals allow part payments or give discounts for cash or insurance claims.

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• Ask them clearly if any help is available for people in financial stress.

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• If your father has any insurance cover, submit all bills properly.

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• If any relatives can support temporarily, accept it as a short-term help.

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Temporarily Pause Long-Term Investments

• If you have SIPs or recurring investments running, consider pausing for now.

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• Most SIPs allow you to stop for a few months without penalty.

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• It is better to pause SIPs than to take a loan or credit card advance.

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• You can restart all investments later once income restarts.

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Prioritise Monthly Essentials First

• Make a list of top priority expenses – rent, groceries, electricity, transport, medicines.

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• Pay these without delay.

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• Delay or reduce less-important expenses like personal shopping, dining out, or travel.

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• If any credit card bills are due, pay minimum amount to avoid penalty.

?

Job Search: Stay Active But Calm

• Spend at least 3–4 hours daily on job search and networking.

?

• Update your resume, contact ex-colleagues, register on portals.

?

• Tell friends and well-wishers that you're open to short-term freelance work too.

?

• Any side income like part-time teaching, writing, or consulting will reduce pressure.

Plan For 3 Months, Then Review

• Make a plan for the next 3 months based on the funds you have now.

?

• List expected income (even if zero), known expenses, and gaps.

?

• Revisit your plan monthly and adjust as the situation changes.

?

• Keep written records of expenses. This will help you manage better.

?

Avoid Taking Personal Loans or Credit Advances

• This is not a good time to take a new loan.

?

• Personal loans or credit card EMIs will add stress later.

?

• Use your own cash reserves or ask for trusted family help before using credit.

?

Once Job Resumes, Rebuild Step by Step

• Start rebuilding your emergency fund first.

?

• Then restart your paused SIPs.

?

• Set small financial goals like clearing any dues or saving for 1 month’s expenses.

?

• Slowly get back to normal pace without rushing.

?

Emotionally Stay Stable and Rest When Needed

• This is a tough phase but it will pass.

?

• Take help from friends, counsellors or support groups if stress gets heavy.

?

• Take care of your health, sleep, and food. You need energy now.

?

• Talk to your child simply and gently. Kids understand more than we think.

?

Finally

You’re already doing the right thing – asking for help and planning ahead.

?

This phase will test your strength but also show your courage.

?

Use the emergency fund wisely. Cut extra expenses.

?

Pause investments, keep job search active, and stay calm.

?

Even small income during this time will help manage better.

?

Once the job returns, you can rebuild everything with more clarity.

?

You are not alone. Take support wherever you find it.

?

Your family is lucky to have you managing so carefully and wisely.

?

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8227 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 12, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 12, 2025Hindi
Money
I plan to buy a property in the next 3 years, either for personal use or investment. I currently save 20,000 per month and have RS 5,00,000 saved up for the down payment and related costs (registration, taxes, interiors, etc.). Given the current market conditions, should I keep my savings in low-risk options like a high-interest savings account or fixed deposits, or should I invest in mutual funds or debt funds for higher returns? How should I balance safety and growth? Also, how much should I budget for the additional costs involved in buying property? With other financial responsibilities (like a home loan EMI of Rs 30,000 and child education expenses), how can I prioritize saving for this property while managing everything else? Lastly, should I plan for future property-related expenses like maintenance once I buy the property?
Ans: Your clarity of thought and saving habit of Rs 20,000 per month is a big strength. You already saved Rs 5,00,000 for the down payment, which is a good head start. Let’s now create a clear and simple 360-degree plan to help you buy the property while handling all other financial priorities.

Let us now understand where to park your savings, how to budget for additional costs, how to balance EMI and education, and how to plan for future property expenses.

Below is a detailed, structured, and simplified guide.

Saving for Down Payment: Safety Is Key

You plan to buy the property in 3 years. This makes your goal short-term.

So, your priority must be safety. Not return.

Return is secondary for short-term goals. Capital protection is more important.

That’s why equity mutual funds are not suitable here. They are risky in the short term.

Even debt funds are not fully safe if you are not choosing the right type.

Below are suitable options:

Keep your Rs 5,00,000 in a high-interest savings account. Choose an account from a safe and reputed private or PSU bank.

Fixed deposit with a 2–3-year horizon is also good. Prefer banks over NBFCs.

You may use a low-duration debt mutual fund or short-term debt fund. Only if you are ok with small fluctuations.

Avoid aggressive hybrid, equity savings funds or arbitrage funds. These are not ideal for 3-year goals.

Don’t invest in index funds or ETFs for short-term goals. They don’t give downside protection.

If you use debt mutual funds, understand the new tax rule. Gains will be taxed as per your income slab.

A combination of FD and short-term debt fund can give better liquidity.

If you prefer mutual funds, go for regular plans through a MFD with CFP credential. They can help you monitor the risk better.

Budgeting for Property: Include All Costs

Most buyers only plan for down payment. But that is only one part.

There are many hidden or semi-visible expenses. Please plan for them now.

Let us see what they are:

Stamp duty and registration charges. This can be 7% to 10% of property cost.

Interiors and furniture. Even basic furnishing can cost 10% of property price.

Brokerage and lawyer fees. If applicable, can go up to 1% or more.

Advance society maintenance and deposits. Usually required for new apartments.

GST on under-construction property. This is 5% without input credit.

Home insurance. One-time premium if you want to cover structure damage.

Parking space charges and clubhouse deposit. Often missed in budgeting.

Shifting and set-up costs. For appliances, curtains, installation, etc.

So please add 15% to 20% of property value as “extra costs”. Keep this buffer aside.

Your current Rs 5,00,000 may not be enough for all these. But you still have 36 months.

So, saving Rs 20,000 monthly with this goal in mind is a smart step.

Also, don’t use mutual fund SIPs for these costs. It can fluctuate when you need it.

Balancing EMI and Education While Saving for Property

Right now, you have an EMI of Rs 30,000 and child education expenses.

You also save Rs 20,000 monthly. Let’s now look at how to balance all three.

Don’t stop your Rs 20,000 saving. This is the key to meeting your 3-year goal.

You may increase your savings by Rs 5,000 to Rs 10,000, if income grows.

Use a separate bank account for this property goal. So you don’t mix other needs.

Try to prepay EMI partly once or twice a year. It reduces long-term interest burden.

If you expect large expenses for your child (school fee, coaching), plan those in advance.

Avoid taking another loan for interiors or registration. That can stretch your EMI limit.

Keep at least 3–4 months EMI as emergency reserve. Don’t touch this fund.

If possible, keep your child’s education funding in a different SIP. Don’t mix with this.

Don’t redeem long-term investments like equity mutual funds for this property. It affects future goals.

Plan for Future Property Expenses

Once you buy the house, expenses don’t stop there. Many people forget this.

These costs can affect your budget if not planned early.

Society maintenance charges. Can be Rs 2,000 to Rs 8,000 monthly depending on size and location.

Annual property tax to municipality. Must be paid every year.

Repairs and painting. Especially after 3–5 years of possession.

Appliances breakdown or upgrade. Geysers, AC, filters, etc.

Rent loss if you are not using it and it remains vacant.

Loan insurance premium if you take credit life insurance.

You may also pay for security deposit if giving on rent.

These are all recurring. So your cash flow must be ready for them.

Try to start a small SIP of Rs 2,000 to Rs 3,000 for these future expenses.

Choose a low-risk hybrid or ultra-short fund. Withdraw only when needed.

Also, keep an annual reminder to review these expenses.

How to Prioritise This Goal Among Many

When you have multiple responsibilities, planning becomes more important.

The key is to assign a specific goal to each fund.

Let us prioritise together:

Continue Rs 20,000 monthly savings only for property down payment.

Do not use emergency funds for property.

Maintain 6 months of expenses in a separate liquid fund or savings account.

Keep child education in a separate SIP or PPF. Don’t mix it with home savings.

Do not stop EMI payment or delay it. Your credit score may suffer.

Avoid loans for furniture and interiors. Save slowly and spend only what you saved.

Keep your insurance premiums paid on time. Don’t miss them.

Use bonuses or gifts to increase savings for the property goal.

Try to control lifestyle inflation during this 3-year period. It helps a lot.

What Happens If Property Price Goes Up?

There is a chance prices may rise in 3 years.

You must be prepared in two ways.

Increase monthly savings gradually every year. Even Rs 2,000 more can help.

If prices rise sharply, consider a smaller house. Don’t stretch your loan too much.

Do not compromise on education and long-term goals for a house.

Stay disciplined. Don’t rush just because prices rise. Focus on value, not fear.

Should You Buy for Investment or Use?

You are unsure if it will be for personal use or investment.

Let us clarify this point as it changes planning:

If for personal use, prioritise location, safety, commute, and nearby schools.

If for investment, do a rental yield check. Don’t expect high appreciation.

Real estate investment has hidden costs, poor liquidity, and irregular returns.

If not planning to live there for 7+ years, rethink buying. Renting may be cheaper.

Don’t buy just because others are buying. Make the decision fully based on utility.

Your priority must be comfort, not return, if it’s for staying.

Also remember property can’t be sold quickly if needed. So, plan cash needs carefully.

Don’t over-borrow. Loan EMI + child education must not cross 50% of your income.

Finally

You are thinking ahead. That is already a strong foundation.

Your saving habit, EMI discipline, and clear goal are all positive points.

By keeping your Rs 5,00,000 in low-risk instruments, and adding Rs 20,000 monthly, you are on track.

Please avoid risky products for this goal.

Also, budget for all visible and hidden property costs.

Balance EMI, education and savings with simple, consistent steps.

Keep property-related expenses and long-term goals separate.

Review your plan every 6 months.

A Certified Financial Planner can help you align all your goals peacefully.

Stay patient, stay focused, and protect your peace of mind.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |1168 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Apr 12, 2025

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8227 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 12, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 12, 2025Hindi
Money
Hey, I single parent... I got kid, and I wanna save for school and marriage n all. I don't got big money but I can put like 10k every month. Where I put this so it grow nice in 10-15 years? Mutual fund good? Or that PPF or Sukanya thing (if girl ya)? How I split this money? Half for school, half for shaadi? Or do different stuff? I don't know what best. Also if later I get more money, I can put more an? Just wanna make sure my kid no suffer later... u help me make simple plan, no tension types?
Ans: You are doing the right thing by planning early for your child’s future.
Even small monthly amounts can grow big in 10 to 15 years if invested smartly.

I will help you split this Rs 10,000 monthly and build a plan that is simple.
And yes, you can always increase it later when your income improves.

Let’s look at everything step-by-step.

First, Decide the Two Goals Clearly
— School or college (education)
— Marriage (optional but important)

Set Your Investment Duration
— For education, plan 10 to 12 years ahead from now
— For marriage, think of 15 to 20 years if your child is small

This helps in picking the right options for each goal.

Split the Monthly Rs 10,000 Smartly

— Rs 6,000 for child’s education

— Rs 4,000 for child’s marriage

This is a good mix as education comes earlier.
You can change the amount later as needed.

Best Option for Education Goal: Mutual Funds

— For long-term growth, mutual funds give better return than PPF or Sukanya

— You can choose a good actively managed equity mutual fund

— SIP of Rs 6,000 monthly in mutual funds can create a big education fund

— Choose regular plans through a Mutual Fund Distributor with CFP

— They help in goal planning, tracking and portfolio reviews

Why Not Index Funds or Direct Funds

— Index funds copy the market. They don’t try to beat it

— Actively managed funds give better returns by selecting top-performing stocks

— Direct funds have no advisory support. You may choose wrong fund or exit early

— Regular funds through an experienced CFP-backed distributor offers long-term support

For Marriage Goal: Mix of PPF and Mutual Fund

If your child is a girl, Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY) is a good part of the plan.

If boy, use PPF or balanced mutual funds.

If Girl Child:

— Rs 2,000 in Sukanya

— Rs 2,000 in mutual funds

If Boy Child:

— Rs 2,000 in PPF

— Rs 2,000 in mutual funds

Why Mutual Funds for Both Goals

— They offer high growth over long term

— SIP helps you invest monthly without worry

— Even small SIPs compound well over 10 to 15 years

— Ideal for education and future life events

Why PPF and Sukanya Too

— PPF and Sukanya give fixed interest, low risk

— They bring safety and tax-free returns

— PPF is 15 years, so good for long goals

— Sukanya is only for girl child and gives higher interest

Add These Habits to the Plan

— Increase SIP every year as income grows

— Don’t stop SIP during market downs. That’s when it works better

— Track your goals once in a year with the help of a CFP

— Teach your child about saving when they grow up

If You Get Extra Money Later, What to Do

— Don’t keep in savings account. Add to SIP or PPF

— Use lump sum in mutual funds for child’s higher studies abroad

— Use part in liquid fund if needed in 1 to 2 years for school fees

Tax Benefits You Can Enjoy

— PPF and Sukanya both give tax benefits under Section 80C

— Mutual fund gains up to Rs 1.25 lakh per year are tax free

— Above that, tax is just 12.5 percent for long-term

— SIP also gives proof of financial planning when applying for education loans

Stay Away from These

— Don’t invest in ULIPs, LIC or endowment plans. Returns are too low

— Don’t go for index funds or direct funds without expert guidance

— Don’t rely on fixed deposits. They don’t beat inflation in 10 years

Emergency Backup is Also Important

— Keep 2 to 3 months of expenses in a savings account

— This gives peace of mind during job loss or emergencies

— Don’t touch your child’s fund for this purpose

Timeline at a Glance

Now: Start Rs 10,000 SIP (Rs 6,000 for education, Rs 4,000 for marriage)

After 1 year: Increase SIP by 5 to 10 percent if possible

Yearly: Review fund performance with help of CFP

After 10 to 12 years: Use education fund

After 15 plus years: Use marriage fund

What You Are Doing is Beautiful

— You’re not just saving. You’re building a better life for your child

— You’re using time and discipline, which are the most powerful tools in finance

— You’re also avoiding bad products like endowment and ULIP

That itself is a smart decision

Final Strategy Summary

— Monthly Rs 6,000 SIP in regular equity mutual funds for education

— Monthly Rs 2,000 in PPF or Sukanya for safety

— Monthly Rs 2,000 SIP in mutual fund for marriage goal

— Increase SIP every year as income improves

— Avoid index funds, ULIPs, FDs, and direct funds

— Review once a year with your trusted CFP-backed MFD

— Keep your emergency fund separate from child’s funds

Final Insights

Don’t worry if amount feels small now.
Start is more important than size.

You’re doing what many parents delay.
That gives your child a big advantage.

With 10 to 15 years in hand,
Your Rs 10,000 per month can become a powerful support system.

Keep it simple.
Stay regular.
And grow slowly with help from professionals.

If you want, I can help you design a fund tracker and yearly review template.
Just ask me anytime.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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