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Anu Krishna |835 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 25, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by JS on May 25, 2022Hindi

Dear Ms. Anu Krishna, I came across a couple of your Columns Ask Anu this morning and instantly thought of taking your advice/opinion for the problems I am facing in my marriage.
And I would like to go anonymous for obvious reasons. Pls spare 5-6 mins to read below.
I am a 30 year old guy. I will try to keep it very short. I have been married for the last 6 years and we have a 4 year old child. It was a love and arranged marriage. Going to the past quickly, my wife and I got into a relationship about 2 years before marriage.
My wife is also the same age as mine, just 30 now. Though my wife never voluntarily revealed it earlier, later I got to realize that she was almost in an 8-9 years relationship with her school mate which started as early as from their high school. Since the boy was from a different religion, the boy's family did not accept their relationship and said no when the girl's parents approached with a marriage proposal after she spoke to her home. Since the boy did not have the courage to argue with his parents, they broke up their relationship with mutual consent however remained as friends.
During this time only we got to know each other and she instantly liked me and we got into a relationship. Several times I was suspicious about her so-called friend's (ex- bf) behaviour. But my gf never revealed it to me.
At one point of time I bumped into her red handed as she lied to me and went on a dinner date with him and after she saw me face to face she revealed he was her ex bf and he now says he want to marry her and doesn't care about his father's approval. I was shocked to hear this, as my gf was asking me what she should do. Her ex-bf talked to me saying to let her go as I was just a rebound relationship in her life and she loves him and their relationship is stronger for over 8 years as mine was just less than 2 years.
Though my mind could understand it, my heart did not.
When I asked my gf about this she said she loves me only and not to trust him however I could see she was not confident. Then she said we should get married soon to avoid such problems coming up. She spoke to her parents, they agreed, they liked me instantly.
My parents were slightly worried as I was in my early 25 year and so was she. However since I was in a very good job and well paid, so was my gf, I pushed my parents into accepting the marriage proposal promising we would be happy. We got married. After which problems started.
She was always very sad and down. She never showed that happiness how she used to be in our two years of relationship. She did not mingle with my family and friends. She always kept it to herself. She never wanted to be physical with me. She either said some random reasons or somehow avoided it. She used to go to her parents house very often and I noticed she was very happy there but not when she came back here.
Meanwhile she got pregnant with my child on one occasion where we got intimate and though she could not control that incident in advance, she kept saying let's stop this. But it happened. She got conceived and our son was born. Since she got conceived till date (5 years now) we hardly have been physically intimate less than 10 times only, out of my compulsion that too. The last time about a year ago she went to her parent's home and she did not return at all. Now she says she doesn't want to live with me and says there is no love and care in this marriage life. Now I tried several attempts to talk to her about what the issue was, she was never ready to discuss and it became bigger fights and bigger gaps between us. Her parents took her side and my parents are hopeless as they feel I have been hasty to enter married life in my very young age.
Now my wife stopped showing my son to me completely, in spite of my literally begging at least to let him be in touch with me., she denied and deprived me. Now she is asking for divorce. She left her job after marriage and now lives on her parents' support only. She vacated her house and lives in some apartment with her parents I guess, for which I don't know the address.
I feel she is in touch with her ex-bf which might be the problem for all this chaos, however I am unsure of it. I want to save this marriage. I really don't know what to do. I offered her many solutions like she can do higher studies or start some business if she likes or can go to work, and I am ready to support her wholeheartedly. I have told this several times since she quit her job voluntarily after marriage. She isn't ready for any and all she wants now is divorce. I approached the senior members of her relatives where everyone says they are unaware about her whereabouts. She has not responded and returned my calls or messages for almost 7-8 months now.
I don't want to get divorced. I love her. I love my son and I miss him.
I want to fix it somehow. She isn't ready to go to for couples counselling to solve this, neither responds to any mediation from my side senior members of the family and relatives.
About me, I am a good-hearted guy. Yes, I have flaws, sometimes I am a little dominating and might get angry and speak harsh words. I have changed a lot over the years and it's gotten better these days. Apart from that, I don't have any negatives I believe.
Help me. Pls give suggestions on what to do.
Thanks in advance Ms. Anu. Sincerely awaiting your sincere advice/solution.

Ans:

Dear JS,

You love her, but does she love you? Has she ever loved you?

Be very truthful about answering this…What’s the point pursuing a relationship when there isn’t any to begin with?

Why do people think that marriage or having children can bring two people closer or set things right in a relationship? They are not FIX-ITS; so let’s stop pretending that all will be fine once you do this, this and that.

Look within; boyfriend still hangs around to tell you to let her go.

Didn’t you think it was necessary to clarify things with her before marrying her?

Anyway, a lot has happened, and I can only empathize with you. You do have the right to meet your child and the only route is the legal one as she is clearly set not to get back with you.

Ask yourself these reality check questions:

Is she going to come back and make the marriage work together?

Is she going to allow me to meet the child without any resistance?

Is she willing to do a lot of inner work with a professional?

If the answers to the above are NO, then step up and do the right thing for your child as well. He does have the right to receive love from his father as well.

Marriage or any relationship requires a lot of love to grow together and shedding of egos.

A strong WHY to be in the relationship. When the foundation itself is weak, how can this work?

Being good-hearted is great, but if has begin to erode your peace, its’ time to re-evaluate and be good to yourself first.

If you want this marriage to work, do establish, connection with her, and please go into therapy together. Make the foundation of marriage so strong that it’s built only on trust. Love, compassion and respect. So, now you know what you can do and how.

All the best and be happy!

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Dear Love Guru, I’m 74. I loved a girl 50 years back, two years younger to me. She doesn’t know about my love. We married different persons in our 20s. Both are now well settled. Her only daughter in US. She is at Chennai, no financial problems and myself at Mumbai. She is widow for the past 13 years. My 46 years marital relationship with my wife is not that good. We always quarrel. We have two highly educated children, a daughter and a son, well settled. I was chasing my GF’s whereabouts and finally I got her two years back. I visit her Chennai home every month for a week and I secretly married her also in her house, on day one of our meeting. I have told about this to my wife also. Since then I’m in hell. My friend wants me to keep our relationship always in secret, which I don’t want. An open person like me, who rarely speaks lies, doesn’t like this. She’s very particular about the secrecy of our relationship. What shall I do?

Ans:

Does she want to keep it a secret because you’re married or because she doesn’t think it’s a good look for her to be remarried?

If you want to live your life out in the open, I can understand; but the first thing to do in that case is file for divorce from your current wife.

You can then be with your ladylove permanently. And it’ll be a respectable, honest relationship so she won’t want to hide it anymore.

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Question by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2022Hindi

Dear Love Guru, My wife and I are in an arranged marriage since around 15 years and there is nothing that we celebrate about our relationship, except kids which are the only reason for our existing relations. I am working abroad and have visits for a month on vacation after every couple of months. After marriage, I noticed my wife’s flirting behaviour with strange men (to seduce) during many occasions but initially ignored it. However, I found it frustrating when I felt her to be habitual flirter. I then spoke to her, which was after around 2.5 years of our marriage, and she denied the matter. Soon noticing such perpetual habits about her, we went on for non-talking terms some time and then a storm broke out in our house. My parents and her parents supported her, since I couldn’t prove any of her behaviour. She has been lying since her behaviour was noticed and even after that, but my love for her and my child (at that time) made me feel that probably that I need to avoid any suspicious behaviour. Such storm was repeated even recently few years earlier. I had thought my idea of a second child would improve our relations, but it hasn’t helped. I could still notice her flirting behaviour with strangers and even with known personnel including my relatives. I even believe her to be in relationship with one of my cousins, based on my observations of their behaviour during our every meet, which I cannot speak of due to my previous experience and which will otherwise definitely terminate our relations. Actually, we are never on good terms these days whenever I visit home and mostly converse only if required. We are also not good in bed and I have also been feeling a low erectile in bed these days. These moments have affected me psychologically and I feel very negative about our relationship. My family remains my priority and I have been trying to see that we all are all happy as a family. I have even sacrificed my own family time for better earnings so that my family can get all the best in life. She takes good care of the children and manages the house nicely. I also ensure that we, as a family, go out on long journeys for travel and my children are everything for me. I have trying to cope up with all this by focusing on work and socialising with friends to the best extent possible. However, her behaviour (in spite of my presence) makes me feel negative. How can I deal with the matter since any re-attempt on my part to speak on the same matter, even if cordially, with my wife will create another storm like earlier? I wish to sort out the differences and need your advice. Should we meet a counsellor separately on this to sort out the matter? Keep me anonymous and respect my privacy.

Ans:

You’ve been sweeping the same issues your marriage has faced from the very beginning under the carpet for 15 years. Why?

And instead of addressing the issues, you decided to go ahead and have a second child?

Having a child is a joy in itself, but it is never the solution to marital woes; in fact, in most cases it only exacerbates the problem.

From everything you’ve told me, you seem to come across as an insecure husband.

I’m not saying that what you’ve told me is untrue, but you keep suspecting your wife of flirting with random men and have no proof of it.

Both sides of the family support her and let me tell you, unless she is a master of deception, no one can conceal their true nature so well from everyone else for the better part of two decades.

Maybe what you construe as flirting is simply her being friendly? Maybe you’re just not comfortable with the manner in which she interacts with other men?

Have you ever managed to prove her inappropriate relations? And when you accuse her, she blows up at you... a guilty party would not react in so volatile a manner.

I do think marital counselling is in order. And yes, maybe separately at first and then together.

Contact a good therapist and do it sooner rather than later... 15 years has been long enough!

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Asked by Anonymous - Jan 27, 2023Hindi

Dear Anu, I am married for 24 years having two grown up children. Both are studying. My wife is not working. She had been adamant and spendthrift since the beginning of our marriage. Just to maintain peace I was putting up with her undue demands. Than in last decade my business suffered for quite sometime still I sold some property and managed the household expenses. Than in 2017 the business started picking up and it started doing well. but having learned the lesson I became very firm with wasteful expenses. And by end of 2017 she broke all ties with me, and started sleeping with our daughter in her room. Now since last six years we are hardly talking to each other despite living in the same house . Her parents are also hand in glove with her and disconnected with me. I also came to know lot of factors about her family. Her father claimed to be a businessman before marriage and later I learned he was working in subcontracts division of a company and making money by illegal means from vendors. He was a heavy drinker and had relations with many women. I also came to know that her father had thrown his father out of house and that old man had died in a temple. To make matter worse her parents are having one more daughter which they claim to be given to some family member and now they don't have any relationship with that girl or the couple to whom they have given their daughter to. So prima facie they have a child or children which they have hidden from society. We attended marriages of her uncle's daughters out of Mumbai. His uncle and his family attended my marriage and marriage of my wife's only brother. Now after all marriages are over they have broken up with that uncle too. He is real brother of my father in law. Her aunty expired two years back I offered to call her uncle and offer condolences she said no need now relationship with uncle is over. With all these I am able to come to a conclusion that the family doesn't value relationships and once their purpose is served they discontinue the relationship. Due to constant problems my children have also become very adamant and are not concentrating on studies. Kindly suggest what should I do in the given situation. Can the marriage be annulled on the grounds her family concealed vital information before marriage. I offered her to go for marriage counselling and therapy but she refused. Please suggest some suitable solution.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Too much of a mess, yeah?
Why they hid certain facts and what impact that has had on your marriage is something that you are experiencing. Relationships are built on trust and honesty leads to that trust. You possibly feel being misled multiple times over and it will indeed affect the mind state of your children.
Good that you have woken up to this NOW.
Are you sure that you want to end this marriage? Or is there a possibility of saving it?
If you want to end it through a legal recourse, find an able lawyer who specializes in divorce cases. She/he will advise you on annulment or mutual consent divorce or filing for one. These options come to a better choice when you seek an expert in legal matters.
In the meantime, keep your mind in a place where it is calm. Too much of muddle and constant over processing will make you have bitter thoughts and keep you engaged in stress building situations.
Accept what's happening (difficult, I know)...but doing this will enable you to take the right decision not only for your life but also for your children. Also, I suggest spend a lot of time with the children and teach them not to take sides of any parent.
Whatever you decide is going to impact them and they must be prepared anyway. So, talk to them like they are grown ups and let them grow into it supporting you both rather than be caught in the cross fire.
I am sure if you have had the courage to understand what has been happening to you, you can surely take additional steps to safeguard your mind space and do what's right for the children as well.
All the best!

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Anu Krishna |835 Answers |Ask -Follow