Dear Love Guru,
My wife and I are in an arranged marriage since around 15 years and there is nothing that we celebrate about our relationship, except kids which are the only reason for our existing relations.
I am working abroad and have visits for a month on vacation after every couple of months.
After marriage, I noticed my wife’s flirting behaviour with strange men (to seduce) during many occasions but initially ignored it.
However, I found it frustrating when I felt her to be habitual flirter. I then spoke to her, which was after around 2.5 years of our marriage, and she denied the matter.
Soon noticing such perpetual habits about her, we went on for non-talking terms some time and then a storm broke out in our house. My parents and her parents supported her, since I couldn’t prove any of her behaviour.
She has been lying since her behaviour was noticed and even after that, but my love for her and my child (at that time) made me feel that probably that I need to avoid any suspicious behaviour.
Such storm was repeated even recently few years earlier.
I had thought my idea of a second child would improve our relations, but it hasn’t helped.
I could still notice her flirting behaviour with strangers and even with known personnel including my relatives.
I even believe her to be in relationship with one of my cousins, based on my observations of their behaviour during our every meet, which I cannot speak of due to my previous experience and which will otherwise definitely terminate our relations.
Actually, we are never on good terms these days whenever I visit home and mostly converse only if required.
We are also not good in bed and I have also been feeling a low erectile in bed these days.
These moments have affected me psychologically and I feel very negative about our relationship.
My family remains my priority and I have been trying to see that we all are all happy as a family.
I have even sacrificed my own family time for better earnings so that my family can get all the best in life.
She takes good care of the children and manages the house nicely.
I also ensure that we, as a family, go out on long journeys for travel and my children are everything for me.
I have trying to cope up with all this by focusing on work and socialising with friends to the best extent possible.
However, her behaviour (in spite of my presence) makes me feel negative.
How can I deal with the matter since any re-attempt on my part to speak on the same matter, even if cordially, with my wife will create another storm like earlier?
I wish to sort out the differences and need your advice. Should we meet a counsellor separately on this to sort out the matter?
Keep me anonymous and respect my privacy.

And it would be worthwhile for both of you to understand that childbirth is a very transformative experience for entire family especially the new mother and the baby.

It is of utmost relevance here for them to have the support of the father and the family.

The emotional and physical needs of the man maybe ignored here but do know that your wife/ mother doesn’t do this as a well-thought idea but because her hormones dictate her mind and body.

But of course, if this has been something that has been going on for a while now even after a year of childbirth, it would be wise to have an open communication channel where the two of you understand each other’s needs and see how best as a couple you can fulfil them.

It is normal for a human to seek validation and attention from the external when his needs are not fulfilled at home. But the complications that can arise from that are something that you are well aware of.

You are an adult and you know what’s best for you and your family.

Having said this, if the choice is to make the marriage work, please don’t engage in finger pointing and instead think of ways to spice up your relationship.

Find someone to care for your child while you and your wife take a holiday.

If this also doesn’t work, I would suggest couples marital therapy where a professional may guide you to rebuilding your marriage.

Happy rebuilding and it’s worth working at it!

If life were that simple enough, why would we be facing challenges at all?

You think if she had loved you, none of this would have happened. You choose to see it from your point of view which is understandable.

What if you take the effort to find out what made her lose interest in you and the marriage?

Women are wired differently from men when it comes to sex. It can be enveloped in emotions and when she is going through an emotionally challenging time (with your mother), it might have been hard for her to be physically close with you.

Did you consider ever resolving the situation between them?

Did you ever ask your wife: “What can I do to help your situation?”

Did you ever find out from her what made her distant from you?

It may sound harsh, but we are talking about much water under the bridge.

If you go on to blame her for cheating on you, when you could and you didn’t, well, it’s not a string place to start if you want to save your marriage.

Do you both want to reconcile and rebuild the marriage?

Communicate, as that’s something that has broken down between the two of you.

It takes two to build a marriage and two to break one. So, time to reflect and look ahead as to what can be done based on what the two of you choose to do.

As far as you not being able to reconcile with the thoughts of her being involved with another man, I suggest before you approach your wife to remedy the situation, kindly settle this thought else tempers are going to fly and things will go from bad to worse. So BREATHE and NOW sit calmly to reflect and act.

All the best!

If life were that simple enough, why would we be facing challenges at all?

You think if she had loved you, none of this would have happened. You choose to see it from your point of view which is understandable.

What if you take the effort to find out what made her lose interest in you and the marriage?

Women are wired differently from men when it comes to sex. It can be enveloped in emotions and when she is going through an emotionally challenging time (with your mother), it might have been hard for her to be physically close with you.

Did you consider ever resolving the situation between them?

Did you ever ask your wife: “What can I do to help your situation?”

Did you ever find out from her what made her distant from you?

It may sound harsh, but we are talking about much water under the bridge.

If you go on to blame her for cheating on you, when you could and you didn’t, well, it’s not a string place to start if you want to save your marriage.

Do you both want to reconcile and rebuild the marriage?

Communicate, as that’s something that has broken down between the two of you.

It takes two to build a marriage and two to break one. So, time to reflect and look ahead as to what can be done based on what the two of you choose to do.

As far as you not being able to reconcile with the thoughts of her being involved with another man, I suggest before you approach your wife to remedy the situation, kindly settle this thought else tempers are going to fly and things will go from bad to worse. So BREATHE and NOW sit calmly to reflect and act.

All the best!