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Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2022

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Jan 13, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Love Guru,
My wife and I are in an arranged marriage since around 15 years and there is nothing that we celebrate about our relationship, except kids which are the only reason for our existing relations.
I am working abroad and have visits for a month on vacation after every couple of months.
After marriage, I noticed my wife’s flirting behaviour with strange men (to seduce) during many occasions but initially ignored it.
However, I found it frustrating when I felt her to be habitual flirter. I then spoke to her, which was after around 2.5 years of our marriage, and she denied the matter.
Soon noticing such perpetual habits about her, we went on for non-talking terms some time and then a storm broke out in our house. My parents and her parents supported her, since I couldn’t prove any of her behaviour.
She has been lying since her behaviour was noticed and even after that, but my love for her and my child (at that time) made me feel that probably that I need to avoid any suspicious behaviour.
Such storm was repeated even recently few years earlier.
I had thought my idea of a second child would improve our relations, but it hasn’t helped.
I could still notice her flirting behaviour with strangers and even with known personnel including my relatives.
I even believe her to be in relationship with one of my cousins, based on my observations of their behaviour during our every meet, which I cannot speak of due to my previous experience and which will otherwise definitely terminate our relations.
Actually, we are never on good terms these days whenever I visit home and mostly converse only if required.
We are also not good in bed and I have also been feeling a low erectile in bed these days.
These moments have affected me psychologically and I feel very negative about our relationship.
My family remains my priority and I have been trying to see that we all are all happy as a family.
I have even sacrificed my own family time for better earnings so that my family can get all the best in life.
She takes good care of the children and manages the house nicely.
I also ensure that we, as a family, go out on long journeys for travel and my children are everything for me.
I have trying to cope up with all this by focusing on work and socialising with friends to the best extent possible.
However, her behaviour (in spite of my presence) makes me feel negative.
How can I deal with the matter since any re-attempt on my part to speak on the same matter, even if cordially, with my wife will create another storm like earlier?
I wish to sort out the differences and need your advice. Should we meet a counsellor separately on this to sort out the matter?
Keep me anonymous and respect my privacy.

Ans:

You’ve been sweeping the same issues your marriage has faced from the very beginning under the carpet for 15 years. Why?

And instead of addressing the issues, you decided to go ahead and have a second child?

Having a child is a joy in itself, but it is never the solution to marital woes; in fact, in most cases it only exacerbates the problem.

From everything you’ve told me, you seem to come across as an insecure husband.

I’m not saying that what you’ve told me is untrue, but you keep suspecting your wife of flirting with random men and have no proof of it.

Both sides of the family support her and let me tell you, unless she is a master of deception, no one can conceal their true nature so well from everyone else for the better part of two decades.

Maybe what you construe as flirting is simply her being friendly? Maybe you’re just not comfortable with the manner in which she interacts with other men?

Have you ever managed to prove her inappropriate relations? And when you accuse her, she blows up at you... a guilty party would not react in so volatile a manner.

I do think marital counselling is in order. And yes, maybe separately at first and then together.

Contact a good therapist and do it sooner rather than later... 15 years has been long enough!

 

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 12, 2020

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Dear Anu Krishna, I'm a 39 year old man, married and having a daughter. It was an arranged marriage. We started off okay, with some good level of romance initially but plateaued later. First the emotional connect dipped, then her trust dipped and eventually physical intimacy dipped. After childbirth, our sex life hit a low and in past 5 years it has been almost a sexless marriage. I had not been a perfect partner but very much willing to fix my mistakes (I haven't cheated on her, ever). But my wife has been aloof with near zero communication. I never interfered in her independence of any form. I always trusted her but I never felt trusted/wanted/loved. She refuses to have meaningful deep conversations. We do have a lot of financial stress. We considered divorce about 5 years ago but didn't because of our daughter. Last year, I met a colleague and I connected emotionally well with her. I do consider her a good friend but my family (I stay with my parents) think I'm in an affair. This new friend also considers me her friend. Now my wife seems a little jealous of my friend, which is a good sign that there is still some hope to salvage this marriage. People have advised me both ways - to divorce and not to. I really want a happy life for myself and my daughter. I am confused - what should I do?
Ans: Dear JK, I can only imagine the stresses of the situation that you and your wife are in. But it takes two people to make a marriage.

And it would be worthwhile for both of you to understand that childbirth is a very transformative experience for entire family especially the new mother and the baby.

It is of utmost relevance here for them to have the support of the father and the family.

The emotional and physical needs of the man maybe ignored here but do know that your wife/ mother doesn’t do this as a well-thought idea but because her hormones dictate her mind and body.

But of course, if this has been something that has been going on for a while now even after a year of childbirth, it would be wise to have an open communication channel where the two of you understand each other’s needs and see how best as a couple you can fulfil them.

It is normal for a human to seek validation and attention from the external when his needs are not fulfilled at home. But the complications that can arise from that are something that you are well aware of.

You are an adult and you know what’s best for you and your family.

Having said this, if the choice is to make the marriage work, please don’t engage in finger pointing and instead think of ways to spice up your relationship.

Find someone to care for your child while you and your wife take a holiday.

If this also doesn’t work, I would suggest couples marital therapy where a professional may guide you to rebuilding your marriage.

Happy rebuilding and it’s worth working at it!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 12, 2022

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Relationship
HI ANUNice to contact you. I need your advice. Hope you can help me.We have been married for 22 years (arranged marriage). For the last 10 years we have some family dispute between my mother and wife.She used to hate me for the same. Moreover she didn’t have any interest in love and sex. She used to sleep in another bedroom. We live together with my son. She is housewife and completely involved in upbringing of my son. Six years back I was attracted and had affair with one of my colleagues. Once my wife come to know about our affair, she created too many problems. She became mad. She abused me verbally and physically. I stopped the affair, changed my job and location. I apologised and changed. I obeyed her. You can say I was a slave to her. In the meantime we never used to sleep together. I was afraid of her abuse so I never asked her for sex or love. She never asked me too. We live together but no love, no sex. Two years ago she told me that she has an affair with a guy from Facebook and they both had sex. That friend used her physically and financially. He had multiple affairs along with my wife. Now he forces her for the relationship. I talked to him and asked him to stay away. At the same time, I was shocked. My wife who completely hated sex and love had an affair with unknown guy. Again we had problems and arguments.If only she’d loved me neither of us would have had an affair.Problem is I can't digest this. I can't sleep at night. I was not physical with my friend. But my wife suspected in her mind and ruined our life. What to do? Shall I seek divorce? Should I consult a therapist to forget everything? Please guide me.
Ans: Dear PP,

If life were that simple enough, why would we be facing challenges at all?

You think if she had loved you, none of this would have happened. You choose to see it from your point of view which is understandable.

What if you take the effort to find out what made her lose interest in you and the marriage?

Women are wired differently from men when it comes to sex. It can be enveloped in emotions and when she is going through an emotionally challenging time (with your mother), it might have been hard for her to be physically close with you.

Did you consider ever resolving the situation between them?

Did you ever ask your wife: “What can I do to help your situation?”

Did you ever find out from her what made her distant from you?

It may sound harsh, but we are talking about much water under the bridge.

If you go on to blame her for cheating on you, when you could and you didn’t, well, it’s not a string place to start if you want to save your marriage.

Do you both want to reconcile and rebuild the marriage?

Communicate, as that’s something that has broken down between the two of you.

It takes two to build a marriage and two to break one. So, time to reflect and look ahead as to what can be done based on what the two of you choose to do.

As far as you not being able to reconcile with the thoughts of her being involved with another man, I suggest before you approach your wife to remedy the situation, kindly settle this thought else tempers are going to fly and things will go from bad to worse. So BREATHE and NOW sit calmly to reflect and act.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 30, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 27, 2023Hindi
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Dear Anu, I am married for 24 years having two grown up children. Both are studying. My wife is not working. She had been adamant and spendthrift since the beginning of our marriage. Just to maintain peace I was putting up with her undue demands. Than in last decade my business suffered for quite sometime still I sold some property and managed the household expenses. Than in 2017 the business started picking up and it started doing well. but having learned the lesson I became very firm with wasteful expenses. And by end of 2017 she broke all ties with me, and started sleeping with our daughter in her room. Now since last six years we are hardly talking to each other despite living in the same house . Her parents are also hand in glove with her and disconnected with me. I also came to know lot of factors about her family. Her father claimed to be a businessman before marriage and later I learned he was working in subcontracts division of a company and making money by illegal means from vendors. He was a heavy drinker and had relations with many women. I also came to know that her father had thrown his father out of house and that old man had died in a temple. To make matter worse her parents are having one more daughter which they claim to be given to some family member and now they don't have any relationship with that girl or the couple to whom they have given their daughter to. So prima facie they have a child or children which they have hidden from society. We attended marriages of her uncle's daughters out of Mumbai. His uncle and his family attended my marriage and marriage of my wife's only brother. Now after all marriages are over they have broken up with that uncle too. He is real brother of my father in law. Her aunty expired two years back I offered to call her uncle and offer condolences she said no need now relationship with uncle is over. With all these I am able to come to a conclusion that the family doesn't value relationships and once their purpose is served they discontinue the relationship. Due to constant problems my children have also become very adamant and are not concentrating on studies. Kindly suggest what should I do in the given situation. Can the marriage be annulled on the grounds her family concealed vital information before marriage. I offered her to go for marriage counselling and therapy but she refused. Please suggest some suitable solution.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Too much of a mess, yeah?
Why they hid certain facts and what impact that has had on your marriage is something that you are experiencing. Relationships are built on trust and honesty leads to that trust. You possibly feel being misled multiple times over and it will indeed affect the mind state of your children.
Good that you have woken up to this NOW.
Are you sure that you want to end this marriage? Or is there a possibility of saving it?
If you want to end it through a legal recourse, find an able lawyer who specializes in divorce cases. She/he will advise you on annulment or mutual consent divorce or filing for one. These options come to a better choice when you seek an expert in legal matters.
In the meantime, keep your mind in a place where it is calm. Too much of muddle and constant over processing will make you have bitter thoughts and keep you engaged in stress building situations.
Accept what's happening (difficult, I know)...but doing this will enable you to take the right decision not only for your life but also for your children. Also, I suggest spend a lot of time with the children and teach them not to take sides of any parent.
Whatever you decide is going to impact them and they must be prepared anyway. So, talk to them like they are grown ups and let them grow into it supporting you both rather than be caught in the cross fire.
I am sure if you have had the courage to understand what has been happening to you, you can surely take additional steps to safeguard your mind space and do what's right for the children as well.
All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 21, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 15, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, I have been married from 15 yrs. I have a 9 yrs old son with me. In oct 21 my wife (age 38) started making REELS on insta of the facial acting. She got involved and told me that she is just doing for followers and like. People used to comment good and bad which i didnt like. She was trying to make young guy friends. In april 2022 she had an affair with a 22-year-old boy who was not even financial stable. I could she changes in her every day. In June 2022 I caught her and she confess that she did affair and also done physical relationship. I had unconditionally loved her all these years and didn’t wanted to let her go. Also, didn’t wanted to hurt my son by taking a divorce. That guy refused to keep my son and their relation broke, but my wife still loved him and missed him. Few months she was in depression and I took her upmost care and swallowed what she did. I just told her that please come back to our life as you were before but she was not getting back. There used to be few quarrels, she was just staying alone within herself and I never felt that love which she used to give me. Later in feb23 there was a marriage at her family and I agree to go with her so she may get that feel during our times and she promised me to enjoy the marriage and make love with me. But she was happy with her relative and didn’t even bother to make that love and affection with me. from that time, I used to get angry and fight with her. I went into depression. In May 2023 she was getting worst and one day fight increased and I asked her to leave my house which I wasn’t intentionally wanted to. She left and went missing 24 yrs and then called from her mom mobile who was in her village, since she didn’t come back home and from last two month, she has been asking me money for herself and says it’s her rights. She doesn’t bother for my son and just show that she loves him. She works and stay with woman from 6 months and I’m looking after my son all alone. I told her u can work but just come home and make things better for my son. Her conditions is to give money security (money) then only she will return. All my family says she is just behind money and doesn’t care what I and my son is going through. She is not guilt for what she did. 15 yrs of marriage has been ruin and now she has no shame at all. She talks rudely if i dont send her money and now I refused sending her. Please advice what do I do now.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You seem to have done a lot to try and get her back. What can you do if she doesn't want to acknowledge your efforts or appreciate what family life is! One would imagine that a child in the equation may bring about a change in heart but that doesn't seem to be the case here at this moment.
Your family members are right in their mind about the way that see your wife as they have been observing how this has impacted you and your son.
Either you wait for her to come to her senses OR simply learn to live life without her. If the outside world of social media is what seems to satisfy her, no matter what you do, she will be dissatisfied and unhappy. This only means that she has to learn and appreciate what she has with you and your son.
It is also possible that she has been disinterested in the marriage for a while now and has been seeking approval and validation from people on social media. Even if this is the case, being angry with you is understandable BUT what about her own child? What makes her not want to deal with that reality? If you need an answer to this, simply WAIT and WATCH without begging her to come back...That will give you an idea as to where her mind is and then decide on the future course...

All the best!

..Read more

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |595 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 23, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 05, 2025
Relationship
I'm getting married.and this is a arrange marriage starting mai thik lagrha and mene bola tha November Tak rukte hai kyu ki wo February m aaye the so time mil jata samjhne ke liye but uske family wale april m hi done kar diye or meri family bhi ab mujhe khi khi uska behaviour acha nahi lgrha . Wo hmesa sex ki topic pe bat krta jo mujhe uncomfortable lgta hai wo mujhe love jesa feeling feel nahi krata bus sensational intimate physical sex ki hi bat krta hai or ab mai kuch ni kar sakti na ye kisi ko bta sakti . Please btaye mai kya karu
Ans: Agar aapka fiancé baar-baar sex aur physical cheezon ki hi baat karta hai, bina aapke emotions ya bond ko samjhe, toh yeh red flag hai. Aap uncomfortable feel kar rahi hain, aur yeh cheez ignore nahi ki ja sakti.

Shaadi sirf physical connection nahi hoti — woh ek emotional, mental aur spiritual partnership bhi hoti hai. Agar abhi, engagement ke dauraan hi aapko yeh lag raha hai ki uska vyavhaar superficial hai, aur wo sirf physical cheezon mein interested hai, toh ye sochne ki zarurat hai ki aage jaake aap aur zyada emotionally alone feel karengi.

Aapne pehle November tak rukne ki baat ki thi, aur usme kuch galat nahi tha — aap sirf samajhna chahti thi ki kya yeh insaan aapke liye theek hai ya nahi. Aapki family ne jaldi decide kar liya, lekin abhi bhi aapke paas choice hai. Shaadi ke baad agar aap khush nahi hoti hain, toh us dard aur regret ka bojh aapko hi uthana hoga — na ki un logon ko jo aap par pressure daal rahe hain.

Aap chahein toh kisi trusted friend ya family member se baat karein jinke saamne aap khul ke apne doubts rakh sakti hain. Agar kisi se baat karna mushkil hai, toh aap kisi therapist ya counselor se confidentially baat karke apne emotions ko clear kar sakti hain.

Sabse zaruri baat yeh hai: aapko koi aisi shaadi nahi karni chahiye jismein aap respected, secure aur emotionally valued feel na karein. Agar abhi se aapko lag raha hai ki yeh rishta sirf ek taraf se hi chala jaa raha hai, toh yeh time hai sochne ka — kyunki baad mein sab kuch aur complicated ho sakta hai.

Aapka sukoon aur self-respect kisi bhi rishton se upar hai. Shaadi tabhi honi chahiye jab aap dil se “haan” keh sakein — sirf logon ke kehne se nahi.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8500 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 23, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 23, 2025
Money
Hi am having an corpus as below : saving account - INR 12lacs , MF : INR 3.34 Crores, NPS : INR 7.79 lacs ,Sukanya samridhi : INR 16 lacs ,Cash : INR 16 lacs , Gold : INR 15 lacs , Own house : 2 crores ,other asset INR 22 lacs , I am laid off though looking for a job and not wanting to retire but how good is my position considering am 45 years old with a daughter in class 8 thanks
Ans: Let's take a full-circle view of your financial situation at age 45, especially given the current job transition.

You have built a strong and diversified portfolio. That itself speaks of your discipline and clarity. You are not planning to retire now, and that’s a good approach. With a structured plan, you can stay financially independent and well-prepared for your daughter’s future as well.

Let’s assess each area of your portfolio and life stage now:

Liquid Assets and Emergency Reserve
You have Rs. 12 lakhs in a savings account.

You also hold Rs. 16 lakhs in cash.

Combined liquidity is Rs. 28 lakhs, which is quite healthy.

This is sufficient for at least 18–24 months of expenses, if monthly needs are around Rs. 1–1.5 lakhs.

Keep Rs. 10–12 lakhs in a savings account or sweep-in FD.

The rest can be moved to liquid or ultra-short-duration funds.

This will improve returns without sacrificing liquidity.

Avoid touching mutual fund corpus for basic expenses unless unavoidable.

Mutual Funds Corpus
Your mutual fund holdings of Rs. 3.34 crores form the core of your wealth.

Actively managed funds offer flexibility and scope for alpha.

Avoid direct plans unless you are a full-time expert.

Regular plans via a Mutual Fund Distributor with Certified Financial Planner support help in better monitoring.

This partnership adds value through rebalancing, reviews, and goal tracking.

Ensure the corpus is spread across equity, hybrid, and debt funds based on risk and time horizon.

Have goal-based buckets — education, retirement, future lifestyle.

If not already done, divide the portfolio with clear timelines — 5, 10, 15+ years.

This reduces panic during market falls.

Use STP to move funds from equity to hybrid or debt near the goal year.

Daughter’s Education Planning
She is in class 8. You have around 4–5 years before higher education.

You already have Rs. 16 lakhs in Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana.

That’s a good tax-free and guaranteed base.

For higher education abroad, you may need Rs. 50–80 lakhs or more.

Allocate a part of your mutual fund corpus specifically for this.

Prefer short-term aggressive hybrid funds now, gradually shifting to safer options.

By class 11, shift most of this corpus to arbitrage or short-term debt.

Do not depend on NPS or retirement corpus for education.

Consider an education loan if studying abroad, for tax and cash flow balance.

Retirement Planning
NPS corpus is Rs. 7.79 lakhs. This is small at the moment.

NPS can supplement retirement income but should not be your only pillar.

Your mutual funds should form the main base for retirement.

Continue contributing to NPS once employed again. It offers good tax benefits under Sec 80CCD(1B).

Ideally, aim for Rs. 5–6 crores in retirement corpus over the next 12–15 years.

That can comfortably generate Rs. 2–2.5 lakhs per month in today’s value.

Ensure your equity exposure is maintained for long-term compounding.

Slowly rebalance towards debt or hybrid after age 55.

Use SWP (Systematic Withdrawal Plan) post-retirement for monthly income.

Avoid annuities — they lock up capital and returns are low.

Gold Holdings
Gold holdings are at Rs. 15 lakhs.

This is roughly 2.5% of your total net worth.

This is within the acceptable range of 5–10% for portfolio hedging.

No changes needed unless you plan to fund your daughter’s wedding through this.

Avoid additional gold investments unless they have specific use.

Don’t see gold as a growth instrument.

Real Estate – Own House
You have your own home worth Rs. 2 crores.

This is your consumption asset, not an investment.

Avoid buying more property for investment purposes.

Real estate lacks liquidity, has high entry/exit costs, and poor transparency.

Continue to maintain it as your residence.

Other Assets – Rs. 22 Lakhs
Understand the nature of these assets — FDs, bonds, insurance savings plans?

If they are traditional insurance plans or ULIPs, review them carefully.

Low-yield products should be exited if possible.

Redeploy these funds to mutual funds for better growth.

Keep clarity on purpose and expected return for each holding.

Current Situation – Career Transition
You’ve been laid off, but you're actively seeking a new role.

Be confident — you have the time cushion and resources.

Use this phase to upskill or switch industries if needed.

Maintain Rs. 10–12 lakhs for personal expenses for the next year.

Do not liquidate long-term assets unless absolutely essential.

Reassess your health insurance — ensure independent family cover is in place.

Also check your term life insurance status — adequate cover is a must.

Insurance Check
Life cover should be 12–15 times your current annual expense.

If your cover is below Rs. 1.5–2 crores, increase it through a pure term plan.

Ensure a Rs. 20 lakh or more family floater health insurance is in place.

Include critical illness cover separately if possible.

Avoid any new investment-cum-insurance policies.

Cash Management Plan
Split Rs. 28 lakhs liquidity as follows:

Rs. 10–12 lakhs in savings or FD for instant needs.

Rs. 8–10 lakhs in liquid funds for 6–12 month cash flow buffer.

Rs. 6–8 lakhs can be gradually invested through STP into hybrid or balanced advantage funds.

Reinvest idle cash to beat inflation.

Avoid letting money sit in savings account long term.

Monthly Budgeting
If you're not already tracking expenses, start now.

Classify essentials, discretionary, and child-related expenses.

Keep monthly budget below Rs. 1.2 lakhs till new job stabilises.

Use SIPs to stay disciplined in investing, even if reduced for now.

Avoid big-ticket purchases until income resumes.

Tax Efficiency
Use mutual fund holding periods smartly.

Avoid booking equity gains before one year — 20% STCG is steep.

For LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh, the new 12.5% tax applies.

Time redemptions to remain tax-efficient.

Use SWP route post-retirement to reduce tax drag.

File ITR properly even if income is nil this year, to claim carry-forward losses.

Final Insights
You are financially well-prepared, even without current income.

Focus on clarity and control, not chasing returns now.

Avoid panic — your long-term corpus is intact.

Get back to earning soon. It will add more stability and confidence.

Do not make drastic changes to your investment style right now.

Keep emotions separate from financial decisions.

Track goals, allocate smartly, and revisit quarterly.

Engage with a Certified Financial Planner to fine-tune your strategy annually.

Stay focused. Your daughter’s future and your retirement can both be fully secure.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |595 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 23, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 16, 2025
Relationship
Ma'am The guy who had a fight with my husband over a text asking him why he stare became a matter of dispute between my husband and that married neighbourhood guy. He thinks m the one flirting with him Over msgs. He still crosses and pass very closely with my husband while going for an evening walk. He is not troubling me and my daughter anymore. He is just busy with my husband now. He would always walk across us. I don't know what else he wants . Do u think my husband should talk with him or wr just have to ignore him. ???
Ans: whether your husband should confront him or ignore him, it depends on what the goal is. If your husband is calm and emotionally steady enough to have a neutral, non-confrontational conversation just to clear the air and draw a respectful boundary, that can be effective. But if there’s any chance the talk would escalate into another argument, it’s better not to feed into the tension. A calm discussion works only when both sides are open to resolution. Otherwise, it can do more harm than good.

Ignoring him, on the other hand, might feel unsatisfying in the short term but often proves to be the most mature and self-protective path in the long run. Some people thrive on reaction. When they don’t get one, they eventually stop trying.

The deeper work here is about your family’s emotional boundaries. Keep your focus on your husband, your daughter, and your home’s peace. Don’t let someone else’s unresolved emotions hijack your daily life. If this man isn't actively threatening or interfering anymore, let silence and indifference be your strength. Let your husband know that you trust his judgment but also encourage him to respond from a place of calm—not pride or anger.

Sometimes, the most powerful message you can send to people like this is that they no longer hold any space in your mind, heart, or life. Peace is more powerful than confrontation.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |595 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 23, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 08, 2025
Relationship
My age was only 23 when my mother left this world. Me & my father were alone after my mother. My father was asking me for marriage, so that a girl can come in our home & manage household chores, but I wanted to focus on my career for at least 6 more years. That's why I denied. We somehow managed for 1 year after my mother left us, but after that my father couldn't wait more & started pressuring me to marriage. I was still not ready. So, my father found a girl for himself. Co-incidence was that the girl was just 1 year elder than me. My father's master plan was that he will make us pretend that it's my wife in front of the world because of his reputation. I liked the idea & the girl was also ready. Don't know how that girl was convinced to marry my father. She is from decent family. Even her parents don't know that my father is her real husband. So, my father made me married to her in front of all. We managed everything excellently from all the rituals to our relatives. We acted well. In front of the world & in papers, she was my wife, but biologically she became my step mother. They got 2 children in 6 to 8 years, but I got stuck without marriage because according to everyone I am married. Now, I am 39 now & my father also left this world last year. I am unmarried & she (step mother) is a widow. Me & her both are feeling alone in this world without a partner. My step mother suggested if she can become my real wife. We both like each other's company but I don't know if there will be any consequences in the future. Nobody will say anything because nobody knows the truth except both of us. Divorce is not a good option because there are children. What do you suggest ??
Ans: You and your stepmother have lived closely for nearly 15 years. In the eyes of society and the law, you are her husband. Biologically and ethically, you are not. But even so, the psychological, emotional, and social dimensions of this relationship are not simple. If you now consider taking the relationship from a false facade to a genuine romantic partnership, you must consider the following carefully:

Have both of you truly processed the emotional weight of what that would mean—not just for yourselves, but for the two children who know her as their mother and you as their father, even if they are aware of none of this complex history? Would a shift from this protective illusion to a real romantic relationship feel emotionally clean—or does it risk carrying guilt, confusion, or emotional baggage for either of you?

The question isn’t just whether “no one will know”—it’s whether you both will be emotionally at peace with this decision for the rest of your lives. Love, affection, companionship—these are valid and beautiful needs at your age. You deserve them. But they must come without a shadow of unresolved complexity or psychological discomfort, especially when children are involved.

You also need to think carefully about legality. Though this woman is not your biological wife, official records reflect her as such. If you move forward as a real couple, you’re essentially formalizing a previously informal truth—but you’re also deepening a secret. Is that a foundation you feel secure building a life on?

Here’s a suggestion: take a pause. Sit down with her—openly, with honesty—and explore whether this desire is rooted in genuine romantic connection, or whether it’s stemming from a shared loneliness and long companionship. The difference is critical.

You are both allowed to seek love and connection. But you must do it in a way that honors truth, emotional clarity, and long-term peace. If you sense even the slightest doubt or emotional confusion from either of you, it might be better to redefine your relationship in a healthier, more truthful way—not necessarily romantic, but meaningful, supportive, and free of secrets.

You’ve already sacrificed enough of your personal life for others. Now is the time to choose a future that is deeply your own—and built on honesty, not just convenience or secrecy.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |595 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 23, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 11, 2025
Relationship
Hello ma'am! I live with my wife, daughter and in-laws in a flat allotted to my wife. In-laws are living with us for the last 8 years. They came to help during the early years of daughter. But they stayed. Over the last few years my relationship with my wife and of course in-laws has turned sour. We often fight and these don't get resolved easily. Most of the decisions are taken by them. I often feel like an outside person. My contribution has gone down both financially and physically. I tried to persuade my wife to move some where else but she refused. Discussed the same with in-laws but surprisingly accused me of playing tactics to make my wife follow my terms. The child over the years seeing all this follows only her mother. No one seems to be interested in any remedial measures. Wife (multiple times) and father in law have suggested divorce. Despite all this and multiple discussions with wife things are not moving forward. My parents don't support separation at this moment. Completely puzzled how to move forward. [I am 47 years old]
Ans: At this stage, you are not just puzzled—you are emotionally stuck. So here’s what you need: clarity, not just from them, but from yourself. Ask yourself, truly and without fear—can I continue to live like this for the next 5 or 10 years? Is preserving this situation in its current form serving anyone’s emotional well-being, especially your own?

You don’t need to rush into decisions, but you do need to step into a position of emotional self-respect. You have the right to seek peace, meaning, and mutual respect in a marriage—and if that space no longer exists in your current home, then you are justified in seeking a new one. Sometimes, the courage to choose your own sanity is the first real step forward.

Whether that means separation, legal counseling, or even mediated family intervention, it’s time to act—not just wait. You’ve already been told where they stand. The question now is: where do you stand, and what are you willing to accept for the rest of your life?

The answer may not be easy, but it will be yours—and that is the beginning of reclaiming your strength and direction.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |595 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 23, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 10, 2025
Relationship
Hi Mam, I am a south indian married to marathi. It's been over 14 years of marriage with a 3 year old son. After marriage, we stayed away from in law's for 8 to 9 years. During Covid, we shifted back to my in laws place. Things were okay for few months but then my MIL started creating issues ....small issues wherein there was no mistake of mine. Then Covid 2nd wave happened. I lost my younger sister and father to Covid. At that time my husband supported me a lot but my MIL was constantly taunting me that I am only crying and not doing any household work. To carry on my routine, I found a job WFH. But due to WFH, she always used to disturb me and ask to do house hold chores which led to me getting stressed and couldn't focus on work. I became pregnant and she started behaving weirdly Things fell apart, me and my husband rented an apartment nearby and stayed and we managed my pregnancy and childbirth and child caring all on by our own. 2 years back, my FIL suddenly passed away, which means we had to shift back again to stay with MIL. In the beginning I thought things will change, but she is started behaving more weirdly. I ignored it. She expects me to do everything for her and doesn't even allow me to keep a maid whereas I was living comfortable life when we were living separately. I am taking classes from home and its difficult to manage everything as I work about 8 hours a day, plus take care of my child plus do household chores. Mu husband will not stay separately because she is alone now. She expects me to do everything but if i talk in my language with my son, she doesn't like it. Last week she told me don't teach him your language, I hate your language and we didn't want you, you only came in our life. Hearing this I felt really bad. I lost my mother at an early age to cancer, I lost my father and sister to Covid This is how she behaves with me. I cannot call or talk to anyone about this and I am getting frustrated. I feel teaching my language and culture is the only connect i have with my mother and my family and she is not allowing me to do that My husband is supportive but currently he is having some stress at Work so I don't want to talk to him about this. Please help
Ans: This situation is not sustainable. You are burning out, emotionally and physically. You may need to have a clear, calm, but firm conversation with your husband soon. Let him know that you are not trying to hurt anyone or run away from responsibility. You’re asking for basic respect and the emotional space to breathe, to live as an equal in your own home.

If moving out again isn't possible immediately, then set some boundaries inside the home. Claim time and space that are yours, especially when you're working. Re-establish your right to speak your language, to teach your child your culture. It’s not just your right—it’s his heritage.

You are not wrong to want peace, and you're not selfish for needing help. You’re a daughter, a mother, a wife—and you're also a woman who deserves compassion, support, and room to live without apology. Please don’t carry this silently any longer. If not with friends or family, consider talking to a counselor online. You’ve carried too much on your own already. It’s time to ask for space, for support—and for healing.

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