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Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2022

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Jan 13, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Love Guru,
My wife and I are in an arranged marriage since around 15 years and there is nothing that we celebrate about our relationship, except kids which are the only reason for our existing relations.
I am working abroad and have visits for a month on vacation after every couple of months.
After marriage, I noticed my wife’s flirting behaviour with strange men (to seduce) during many occasions but initially ignored it.
However, I found it frustrating when I felt her to be habitual flirter. I then spoke to her, which was after around 2.5 years of our marriage, and she denied the matter.
Soon noticing such perpetual habits about her, we went on for non-talking terms some time and then a storm broke out in our house. My parents and her parents supported her, since I couldn’t prove any of her behaviour.
She has been lying since her behaviour was noticed and even after that, but my love for her and my child (at that time) made me feel that probably that I need to avoid any suspicious behaviour.
Such storm was repeated even recently few years earlier.
I had thought my idea of a second child would improve our relations, but it hasn’t helped.
I could still notice her flirting behaviour with strangers and even with known personnel including my relatives.
I even believe her to be in relationship with one of my cousins, based on my observations of their behaviour during our every meet, which I cannot speak of due to my previous experience and which will otherwise definitely terminate our relations.
Actually, we are never on good terms these days whenever I visit home and mostly converse only if required.
We are also not good in bed and I have also been feeling a low erectile in bed these days.
These moments have affected me psychologically and I feel very negative about our relationship.
My family remains my priority and I have been trying to see that we all are all happy as a family.
I have even sacrificed my own family time for better earnings so that my family can get all the best in life.
She takes good care of the children and manages the house nicely.
I also ensure that we, as a family, go out on long journeys for travel and my children are everything for me.
I have trying to cope up with all this by focusing on work and socialising with friends to the best extent possible.
However, her behaviour (in spite of my presence) makes me feel negative.
How can I deal with the matter since any re-attempt on my part to speak on the same matter, even if cordially, with my wife will create another storm like earlier?
I wish to sort out the differences and need your advice. Should we meet a counsellor separately on this to sort out the matter?
Keep me anonymous and respect my privacy.

Ans:

You’ve been sweeping the same issues your marriage has faced from the very beginning under the carpet for 15 years. Why?

And instead of addressing the issues, you decided to go ahead and have a second child?

Having a child is a joy in itself, but it is never the solution to marital woes; in fact, in most cases it only exacerbates the problem.

From everything you’ve told me, you seem to come across as an insecure husband.

I’m not saying that what you’ve told me is untrue, but you keep suspecting your wife of flirting with random men and have no proof of it.

Both sides of the family support her and let me tell you, unless she is a master of deception, no one can conceal their true nature so well from everyone else for the better part of two decades.

Maybe what you construe as flirting is simply her being friendly? Maybe you’re just not comfortable with the manner in which she interacts with other men?

Have you ever managed to prove her inappropriate relations? And when you accuse her, she blows up at you... a guilty party would not react in so volatile a manner.

I do think marital counselling is in order. And yes, maybe separately at first and then together.

Contact a good therapist and do it sooner rather than later... 15 years has been long enough!

 

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 12, 2020

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Dear Anu Krishna, I'm a 39 year old man, married and having a daughter. It was an arranged marriage. We started off okay, with some good level of romance initially but plateaued later. First the emotional connect dipped, then her trust dipped and eventually physical intimacy dipped. After childbirth, our sex life hit a low and in past 5 years it has been almost a sexless marriage. I had not been a perfect partner but very much willing to fix my mistakes (I haven't cheated on her, ever). But my wife has been aloof with near zero communication. I never interfered in her independence of any form. I always trusted her but I never felt trusted/wanted/loved. She refuses to have meaningful deep conversations. We do have a lot of financial stress. We considered divorce about 5 years ago but didn't because of our daughter. Last year, I met a colleague and I connected emotionally well with her. I do consider her a good friend but my family (I stay with my parents) think I'm in an affair. This new friend also considers me her friend. Now my wife seems a little jealous of my friend, which is a good sign that there is still some hope to salvage this marriage. People have advised me both ways - to divorce and not to. I really want a happy life for myself and my daughter. I am confused - what should I do?
Ans: Dear JK, I can only imagine the stresses of the situation that you and your wife are in. But it takes two people to make a marriage.

And it would be worthwhile for both of you to understand that childbirth is a very transformative experience for entire family especially the new mother and the baby.

It is of utmost relevance here for them to have the support of the father and the family.

The emotional and physical needs of the man maybe ignored here but do know that your wife/ mother doesn’t do this as a well-thought idea but because her hormones dictate her mind and body.

But of course, if this has been something that has been going on for a while now even after a year of childbirth, it would be wise to have an open communication channel where the two of you understand each other’s needs and see how best as a couple you can fulfil them.

It is normal for a human to seek validation and attention from the external when his needs are not fulfilled at home. But the complications that can arise from that are something that you are well aware of.

You are an adult and you know what’s best for you and your family.

Having said this, if the choice is to make the marriage work, please don’t engage in finger pointing and instead think of ways to spice up your relationship.

Find someone to care for your child while you and your wife take a holiday.

If this also doesn’t work, I would suggest couples marital therapy where a professional may guide you to rebuilding your marriage.

Happy rebuilding and it’s worth working at it!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1664 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 12, 2022

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Relationship
HI ANUNice to contact you. I need your advice. Hope you can help me.We have been married for 22 years (arranged marriage). For the last 10 years we have some family dispute between my mother and wife.She used to hate me for the same. Moreover she didn’t have any interest in love and sex. She used to sleep in another bedroom. We live together with my son. She is housewife and completely involved in upbringing of my son. Six years back I was attracted and had affair with one of my colleagues. Once my wife come to know about our affair, she created too many problems. She became mad. She abused me verbally and physically. I stopped the affair, changed my job and location. I apologised and changed. I obeyed her. You can say I was a slave to her. In the meantime we never used to sleep together. I was afraid of her abuse so I never asked her for sex or love. She never asked me too. We live together but no love, no sex. Two years ago she told me that she has an affair with a guy from Facebook and they both had sex. That friend used her physically and financially. He had multiple affairs along with my wife. Now he forces her for the relationship. I talked to him and asked him to stay away. At the same time, I was shocked. My wife who completely hated sex and love had an affair with unknown guy. Again we had problems and arguments.If only she’d loved me neither of us would have had an affair.Problem is I can't digest this. I can't sleep at night. I was not physical with my friend. But my wife suspected in her mind and ruined our life. What to do? Shall I seek divorce? Should I consult a therapist to forget everything? Please guide me.
Ans: Dear PP,

If life were that simple enough, why would we be facing challenges at all?

You think if she had loved you, none of this would have happened. You choose to see it from your point of view which is understandable.

What if you take the effort to find out what made her lose interest in you and the marriage?

Women are wired differently from men when it comes to sex. It can be enveloped in emotions and when she is going through an emotionally challenging time (with your mother), it might have been hard for her to be physically close with you.

Did you consider ever resolving the situation between them?

Did you ever ask your wife: “What can I do to help your situation?”

Did you ever find out from her what made her distant from you?

It may sound harsh, but we are talking about much water under the bridge.

If you go on to blame her for cheating on you, when you could and you didn’t, well, it’s not a string place to start if you want to save your marriage.

Do you both want to reconcile and rebuild the marriage?

Communicate, as that’s something that has broken down between the two of you.

It takes two to build a marriage and two to break one. So, time to reflect and look ahead as to what can be done based on what the two of you choose to do.

As far as you not being able to reconcile with the thoughts of her being involved with another man, I suggest before you approach your wife to remedy the situation, kindly settle this thought else tempers are going to fly and things will go from bad to worse. So BREATHE and NOW sit calmly to reflect and act.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1664 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 30, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 27, 2023Hindi
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Dear Anu, I am married for 24 years having two grown up children. Both are studying. My wife is not working. She had been adamant and spendthrift since the beginning of our marriage. Just to maintain peace I was putting up with her undue demands. Than in last decade my business suffered for quite sometime still I sold some property and managed the household expenses. Than in 2017 the business started picking up and it started doing well. but having learned the lesson I became very firm with wasteful expenses. And by end of 2017 she broke all ties with me, and started sleeping with our daughter in her room. Now since last six years we are hardly talking to each other despite living in the same house . Her parents are also hand in glove with her and disconnected with me. I also came to know lot of factors about her family. Her father claimed to be a businessman before marriage and later I learned he was working in subcontracts division of a company and making money by illegal means from vendors. He was a heavy drinker and had relations with many women. I also came to know that her father had thrown his father out of house and that old man had died in a temple. To make matter worse her parents are having one more daughter which they claim to be given to some family member and now they don't have any relationship with that girl or the couple to whom they have given their daughter to. So prima facie they have a child or children which they have hidden from society. We attended marriages of her uncle's daughters out of Mumbai. His uncle and his family attended my marriage and marriage of my wife's only brother. Now after all marriages are over they have broken up with that uncle too. He is real brother of my father in law. Her aunty expired two years back I offered to call her uncle and offer condolences she said no need now relationship with uncle is over. With all these I am able to come to a conclusion that the family doesn't value relationships and once their purpose is served they discontinue the relationship. Due to constant problems my children have also become very adamant and are not concentrating on studies. Kindly suggest what should I do in the given situation. Can the marriage be annulled on the grounds her family concealed vital information before marriage. I offered her to go for marriage counselling and therapy but she refused. Please suggest some suitable solution.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Too much of a mess, yeah?
Why they hid certain facts and what impact that has had on your marriage is something that you are experiencing. Relationships are built on trust and honesty leads to that trust. You possibly feel being misled multiple times over and it will indeed affect the mind state of your children.
Good that you have woken up to this NOW.
Are you sure that you want to end this marriage? Or is there a possibility of saving it?
If you want to end it through a legal recourse, find an able lawyer who specializes in divorce cases. She/he will advise you on annulment or mutual consent divorce or filing for one. These options come to a better choice when you seek an expert in legal matters.
In the meantime, keep your mind in a place where it is calm. Too much of muddle and constant over processing will make you have bitter thoughts and keep you engaged in stress building situations.
Accept what's happening (difficult, I know)...but doing this will enable you to take the right decision not only for your life but also for your children. Also, I suggest spend a lot of time with the children and teach them not to take sides of any parent.
Whatever you decide is going to impact them and they must be prepared anyway. So, talk to them like they are grown ups and let them grow into it supporting you both rather than be caught in the cross fire.
I am sure if you have had the courage to understand what has been happening to you, you can surely take additional steps to safeguard your mind space and do what's right for the children as well.
All the best!

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 21, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 15, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, I have been married from 15 yrs. I have a 9 yrs old son with me. In oct 21 my wife (age 38) started making REELS on insta of the facial acting. She got involved and told me that she is just doing for followers and like. People used to comment good and bad which i didnt like. She was trying to make young guy friends. In april 2022 she had an affair with a 22-year-old boy who was not even financial stable. I could she changes in her every day. In June 2022 I caught her and she confess that she did affair and also done physical relationship. I had unconditionally loved her all these years and didn’t wanted to let her go. Also, didn’t wanted to hurt my son by taking a divorce. That guy refused to keep my son and their relation broke, but my wife still loved him and missed him. Few months she was in depression and I took her upmost care and swallowed what she did. I just told her that please come back to our life as you were before but she was not getting back. There used to be few quarrels, she was just staying alone within herself and I never felt that love which she used to give me. Later in feb23 there was a marriage at her family and I agree to go with her so she may get that feel during our times and she promised me to enjoy the marriage and make love with me. But she was happy with her relative and didn’t even bother to make that love and affection with me. from that time, I used to get angry and fight with her. I went into depression. In May 2023 she was getting worst and one day fight increased and I asked her to leave my house which I wasn’t intentionally wanted to. She left and went missing 24 yrs and then called from her mom mobile who was in her village, since she didn’t come back home and from last two month, she has been asking me money for herself and says it’s her rights. She doesn’t bother for my son and just show that she loves him. She works and stay with woman from 6 months and I’m looking after my son all alone. I told her u can work but just come home and make things better for my son. Her conditions is to give money security (money) then only she will return. All my family says she is just behind money and doesn’t care what I and my son is going through. She is not guilt for what she did. 15 yrs of marriage has been ruin and now she has no shame at all. She talks rudely if i dont send her money and now I refused sending her. Please advice what do I do now.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You seem to have done a lot to try and get her back. What can you do if she doesn't want to acknowledge your efforts or appreciate what family life is! One would imagine that a child in the equation may bring about a change in heart but that doesn't seem to be the case here at this moment.
Your family members are right in their mind about the way that see your wife as they have been observing how this has impacted you and your son.
Either you wait for her to come to her senses OR simply learn to live life without her. If the outside world of social media is what seems to satisfy her, no matter what you do, she will be dissatisfied and unhappy. This only means that she has to learn and appreciate what she has with you and your son.
It is also possible that she has been disinterested in the marriage for a while now and has been seeking approval and validation from people on social media. Even if this is the case, being angry with you is understandable BUT what about her own child? What makes her not want to deal with that reality? If you need an answer to this, simply WAIT and WATCH without begging her to come back...That will give you an idea as to where her mind is and then decide on the future course...

All the best!

..Read more

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Asked by Anonymous - Jul 29, 2025Hindi
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Ans: Thanks for reaching out—this is an important decision.
You're right—SUTD is an excellent university, especially for design, tech, and robotics. It's backed by MIT and has a strong innovation-driven curriculum. The exposure, labs, international faculty, and research opportunities are world-class—definitely a notch above what you'd get at most Indian colleges, including Manipal.
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Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 12, 2025Hindi
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And we are still investing in mutual funds and plan to do so for next 5 years,my husband invests 30 k ,and i invest 45k
Ans: You and your husband are doing a fantastic job with your monthly investments. Investing Rs. 75K every month shows strong financial discipline. This consistent approach builds wealth and protects your future. Let us now assess your mutual fund journey from all angles.

? Current SIP Strength and Long-Term Potential

– Monthly SIP of Rs. 75K is a solid starting base.
– Over 5 years, this creates a strong corpus.
– Assuming growth, this will accumulate significant wealth.
– Your investing period of 5 years needs careful product selection.
– Short-to-medium term investing demands stability, not aggressiveness.
– Hence, fund selection must match time horizon and risk appetite.
– A Certified Financial Planner can guide scheme selection based on goals.

? Importance of Investment Tenure

– Five years is not a very long horizon.
– Hence, aggressive small-cap funds carry higher volatility.
– Stick to flexi-cap, large-cap, and balanced advantage categories.
– These offer better risk-reward balance in 5-year timeframe.
– Avoid overly sector-specific or thematic funds.
– Asset allocation should favour stability over chasing returns.

? Regular Plan Advantage vs Direct Plan Disadvantage

– Many investors choose direct plans for saving expense ratio.
– But they miss out on expert guidance from Certified Financial Planners.
– This increases chances of wrong fund selection or wrong exit timing.
– Wrong asset allocation or overlapping funds also impact returns.
– Regular plans through CFP-backed MFD offer holistic hand-holding.
– You receive periodic rebalancing, performance monitoring, and personalised reviews.
– The cost difference is minor compared to guided wealth creation.
– A goal-based approach with CFP supervision reduces regret and errors.

? Stay Away from Index Funds – Understand Why

– Index funds may look simple and low cost.
– But they carry hidden disadvantages often overlooked.
– Index funds invest passively in top companies of the index.
– They offer no downside protection in falling markets.
– No active strategy during volatile or sideways periods.
– Also, they follow market blindly, without fundamentals.
– In India, market inefficiencies offer space for active managers.
– Actively managed funds outperform index funds in India consistently.
– They are agile, selective, and dynamic in asset picking.
– Certified Financial Planners help choose best-performing active funds.

? SIP Strategy Review – Risk Alignment and Suitability

– Check how much of your Rs. 75K goes into high-risk funds.
– Avoid high exposure to small-cap and mid-cap segments.
– Cap allocation to these at 20%-30% max.
– Majority should be in balanced, large, or multi-cap funds.
– This reduces downside and improves consistency.
– Each fund must have a clear role and no overlap.
– Avoid too many funds for diversification.
– Keep portfolio compact with 5-7 funds only.

? Goal Planning – Tie Investments to Life Events

– If you have specific financial goals, allocate accordingly.
– Short-term goals should be in low-risk hybrid funds.
– Long-term goals may include child’s education, retirement, etc.
– Discuss these in detail with a CFP.
– This helps match investment type with goal duration.
– Also aligns growth expectation and exit strategy.
– Many investors miss their goals due to mismatched funds.
– Avoid this mistake by goal-based investment planning.

? Rebalance and Review Periodically

– SIPs need annual review to ensure alignment.
– Fund performance can vary due to many factors.
– A fund lagging for over 12 months needs attention.
– Also review sector exposure, overlap, and tax impact.
– A Certified Financial Planner will do this periodically.
– Rebalancing helps protect from over-concentration.
– It also captures gains and shifts to better opportunities.

? Tax Planning within Mutual Fund Framework

– Mutual fund taxation impacts your net returns.
– For equity funds, STCG is taxed at 20%.
– LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.
– For debt funds, gains taxed as per income slab.
– Plan exits smartly to reduce tax outgo.
– Use tax-harvesting if nearing 1.25 lakh LTCG.
– Align exit strategy with fund performance and tax limits.
– Don't ignore taxation; it quietly erodes final returns.

? Avoiding Insurance-Cum-Investment Products

– If you or your husband have LIC, ULIP, or money-back plans, evaluate them.
– These offer poor returns and low flexibility.
– Surrender such policies if lock-in is over.
– Reinvest in mutual funds with proper planning.
– This boosts compounding and improves goal alignment.
– Don’t mix insurance with investment ever.
– Treat them as separate needs for better results.

? Protecting Your Investment Journey

– SIPs should not stop even in bad markets.
– Market dips are best times to accumulate more units.
– Avoid emotional decisions during correction periods.
– Stay patient and continue monthly contributions.
– Rupee Cost Averaging helps reduce risk over time.
– If income reduces, lower SIP, but never stop.
– Stay consistent and disciplined for long-term success.

? Emergency Fund and Insurance Backup

– Ensure emergency fund is at least 6 months’ expenses.
– This avoids disturbing SIPs during sudden financial stress.
– Also review life and health insurance coverage.
– Ensure it is sufficient and updated.
– Use term insurance for life cover, not ULIPs.
– Use family floater health insurance for medical needs.

? When 5 Years End – Exit and Reinvestment

– Start planning your exit 12-18 months before maturity.
– Move funds gradually to safer options.
– This protects capital from market corrections.
– Consider conservative hybrid funds near withdrawal time.
– Don’t wait till last month to act.
– Also plan next set of goals and reinvestment.
– Don’t keep funds idle after 5 years.
– Reinvest based on new goals or income needs.

? Keep Emotions Out, Data In

– Emotional investing leads to poor decisions.
– Don’t chase top performers each year.
– Choose funds with consistent 5+ year track records.
– Also check downside protection, not just returns.
– Use data, not marketing material, for fund choices.
– A Certified Financial Planner uses professional tools for selection.
– Stay objective, not reactive.

? Avoid Investment Myths and Social Advice

– Friends or relatives may suggest schemes casually.
– Their risk appetite may not match yours.
– Also avoid YouTube tips or WhatsApp forwards blindly.
– Many half-truths and old advice circulate online.
– Follow structured and professional guidance only.
– Choose investments based on your family needs.
– Don’t compare portfolios or returns with others.
– Your journey is unique.

? Final Insights

– Your joint SIP effort of Rs. 75K/month is admirable.
– Continue this for 5 years with discipline and strategy.
– Choose funds based on goal, risk, and time.
– Avoid index and direct funds to stay protected.
– Take guidance from Certified Financial Planner regularly.
– Link each investment to a goal and review annually.
– Protect capital near goal maturity using low-risk funds.
– Use regular plans for full support and peace of mind.
– Don’t mix insurance with investment at any stage.
– Maintain emergency fund and review risk coverage.
– Reinvest matured corpus based on next life phase.
– Keep simplicity, discipline, and patience in investing.
– Long-term wealth is created through consistency, not luck.
– Keep up your good work and grow steadily.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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