Dear Ms. Anu Krishna, I came across a couple of your Columns Ask Anu this morning and instantly thought of taking your advice/opinion for the problems I am facing in my marriage.And I would like to go anonymous for obvious reasons. Pls spare 5-6 mins to read below.I am a 30 year old guy. I will try to keep it very short. I have been married for the last 6 years and we have a 4 year old child. It was a love and arranged marriage. Going to the past quickly, my wife and I got into a relationship about 2 years before marriage. My wife is also the same age as mine, just 30 now. Though my wife never voluntarily revealed it earlier, later I got to realize that she was almost in an 8-9 years relationship with her school mate which started as early as from their high school. Since the boy was from a different religion, the boy's family did not accept their relationship and said no when the girl's parents approached with a marriage proposal after she spoke to her home. Since the boy did not have the courage to argue with his parents, they broke up their relationship with mutual consent however remained as friends. During this time only we got to know each other and she instantly liked me and we got into a relationship. Several times I was suspicious about her so-called friend's (ex- bf) behaviour. But my gf never revealed it to me. At one point of time I bumped into her red handed as she lied to me and went on a dinner date with him and after she saw me face to face she revealed he was her ex bf and he now says he want to marry her and doesn't care about his father's approval. I was shocked to hear this, as my gf was asking me what she should do. Her ex-bf talked to me saying to let her go as I was just a rebound relationship in her life and she loves him and their relationship is stronger for over 8 years as mine was just less than 2 years. Though my mind could understand it, my heart did not. When I asked my gf about this she said she loves me only and not to trust him however I could see she was not confident. Then she said we should get married soon to avoid such problems coming up. She spoke to her parents, they agreed, they liked me instantly. My parents were slightly worried as I was in my early 25 year and so was she. However since I was in a very good job and well paid, so was my gf, I pushed my parents into accepting the marriage proposal promising we would be happy. We got married. After which problems started.She was always very sad and down. She never showed that happiness how she used to be in our two years of relationship. She did not mingle with my family and friends. She always kept it to herself. She never wanted to be physical with me. She either said some random reasons or somehow avoided it. She used to go to her parents house very often and I noticed she was very happy there but not when she came back here. Meanwhile she got pregnant with my child on one occasion where we got intimate and though she could not control that incident in advance, she kept saying let's stop this. But it happened. She got conceived and our son was born. Since she got conceived till date (5 years now) we hardly have been physically intimate less than 10 times only, out of my compulsion that too. The last time about a year ago she went to her parent's home and she did not return at all. Now she says she doesn't want to live with me and says there is no love and care in this marriage life. Now I tried several attempts to talk to her about what the issue was, she was never ready to discuss and it became bigger fights and bigger gaps between us. Her parents took her side and my parents are hopeless as they feel I have been hasty to enter married life in my very young age.Now my wife stopped showing my son to me completely, in spite of my literally begging at least to let him be in touch with me., she denied and deprived me. Now she is asking for divorce. She left her job after marriage and now lives on her parents' support only. She vacated her house and lives in some apartment with her parents I guess, for which I don't know the address.I feel she is in touch with her ex-bf which might be the problem for all this chaos, however I am unsure of it. I want to save this marriage. I really don't know what to do. I offered her many solutions like she can do higher studies or start some business if she likes or can go to work, and I am ready to support her wholeheartedly. I have told this several times since she quit her job voluntarily after marriage. She isn't ready for any and all she wants now is divorce. I approached the senior members of her relatives where everyone says they are unaware about her whereabouts. She has not responded and returned my calls or messages for almost 7-8 months now.I don't want to get divorced. I love her. I love my son and I miss him.I want to fix it somehow. She isn't ready to go to for couples counselling to solve this, neither responds to any mediation from my side senior members of the family and relatives.About me, I am a good-hearted guy. Yes, I have flaws, sometimes I am a little dominating and might get angry and speak harsh words. I have changed a lot over the years and it's gotten better these days. Apart from that, I don't have any negatives I believe.Help me. Pls give suggestions on what to do.Thanks in advance Ms. Anu. Sincerely awaiting your sincere advice/solution.
Ans: Dear JS,
You love her, but does she love you? Has she ever loved you?
Be very truthful about answering this…What’s the point pursuing a relationship when there isn’t any to begin with?
Why do people think that marriage or having children can bring two people closer or set things right in a relationship? They are not FIX-ITS; so let’s stop pretending that all will be fine once you do this, this and that.
Look within; boyfriend still hangs around to tell you to let her go.
Didn’t you think it was necessary to clarify things with her before marrying her?
Anyway, a lot has happened, and I can only empathize with you. You do have the right to meet your child and the only route is the legal one as she is clearly set not to get back with you.
Ask yourself these reality check questions:
Is she going to come back and make the marriage work together?
Is she going to allow me to meet the child without any resistance?
Is she willing to do a lot of inner work with a professional?
If the answers to the above are NO, then step up and do the right thing for your child as well. He does have the right to receive love from his father as well.
Marriage or any relationship requires a lot of love to grow together and shedding of egos.
A strong WHY to be in the relationship. When the foundation itself is weak, how can this work?
Being good-hearted is great, but if has begin to erode your peace, its’ time to re-evaluate and be good to yourself first.
If you want this marriage to work, do establish, connection with her, and please go into therapy together. Make the foundation of marriage so strong that it’s built only on trust. Love, compassion and respect. So, now you know what you can do and how.
All the best and be happy!
Question by Anonymous on May 13, 2022Hindi
