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Married Man I Don't Find Attractive: What Should I Do?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |619 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 28, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 14, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hi, I married a guy I dnt find attractive because of family pressure. Rest everything was almost what I wanted but I tried for 6 months I dnt find him attractive. I dnt like when he even sit next to me and we have never had sex because I told him m not ready what can I do now? Should I wait for one more year before I take any decision. Whenever I see him or they way he carries himself I feel awkward and uncool plus sometimes disguisted, he is unaware of the fact that being not very good looking or not carring yourself better is two different things I cannot tell him each and everything about how to look good and how to carry yourself. He doesn’t take care of his beard, his teeth’s are bad. I dnt know what to do m depressed.

Ans: First, it's important to acknowledge your feelings and understand that attraction and physical chemistry are important components of a relationship. The fact that you feel awkward and even disgusted at times when you're around your husband is a sign that something isn't right for you. These feelings won't just go away with time if they're not addressed.

However, it's also important to recognize that these issues can be multifaceted. Sometimes, initial lack of attraction can change over time if there is emotional connection and effort from both sides. But that requires a willingness from you to explore those possibilities and from him to understand and make changes.

You mentioned that your husband is unaware of your feelings, which is a significant point. It may be time to have an open and honest conversation with him, even though it might be difficult. You don’t have to be brutally honest about everything at once, but you can start by gently addressing some of the issues that are affecting your attraction to him. For example, you could discuss the importance of self-care and suggest changes in his grooming or appearance in a supportive way.

This kind of conversation can be tricky because you want to avoid hurting his feelings while still being truthful about your needs. Framing your concerns as things that would help improve the relationship overall might make it easier for him to hear and understand.

As for whether you should wait another year, that depends on whether you see potential for change and whether you think you can work through these feelings with time and effort. If you don’t see any hope for these feelings to improve, staying in the marriage may only lead to more frustration and resentment.

On the other hand, if you think there’s a chance that with communication, understanding, and perhaps some counseling, the situation could improve, then giving it more time might be worth it. Sometimes, working with a relationship counselor can provide a safe space to discuss these issues and find a path forward, whether that’s towards making the relationship work or deciding it’s not right for you.

Ultimately, your well-being is crucial. If staying in this relationship continues to make you feel depressed, and if you don’t see any hope for improvement, it might be necessary to consider your options more seriously. It’s important to prioritize your mental and emotional health and make decisions that align with what you truly want for your life and happiness.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1647 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 24, 2022

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Hi Anu,I m 32 yr old girl and been married in arrange marriage with a guy he is also 32 it's been one year.He is very harsh to talk to and I get usually very hurt because of his words. I always feel like walking out of this marriage for peace. He is very unromantic and ungrateful. On top of this our views on marriage, togetherness and sex are very different. I never had sex with him till now. And I don't feel like having sex with him. There are many fights between us. The way his mother and father talk I feel stuck in my life.There is no progress in career because constantly we are under tensions. My past relationships were very nice and sweet so I always happened to compare him with my ex in my mind. I don't know what happens to me. When he comes close to me I stop talking breaths. We just cuddle each other and hug but other things like kiss and sex I don't feel to have. Please guide me as soon as possible.
Ans:

Dear RJ,

Is there any reason for not wanting to be sexually intimate?

Most often this is linked to some emotional distress or filters in the mind that you are unaware of and which could be interfering in the two of you coming closer together.

A good round of talks with your partner can help you express your exact feelings to him.

What is bothering you, what you feel you don’t receive from him, why is it that you are unable to reciprocate…these are a few things that you can discuss with him.

Also, spending quality time together can ease and spruce up things a bit.

Most often, we love throwing our feelings under the rug pretending that they will go away; but they don’t, they come back to haunt you at times that you least expect them to.

So, when you feel stuck, think of what you can do to get un-stuck? What are all things that you can think, feel and do to free yourself so that you not only feel good, but you also start to focus on things that matter; like for example your career.

Comparing one human to the another and expecting them to change and be someone else; could this be one of the reasons for you to not want the sexual intimacy?

Sex is one of the dimensions in a marriage and it can bring the couple closer.

So rather than thinking of what is going wrong, focus on how you can make things work and enable your partner to join this journey of bringing back finer and joyful moments in a marriage.

Be happy!

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 10, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 08, 2023Hindi
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i had a love marriage 20 years back. we were in a relationship for 3years before that. but after marriage i realised the harsh reality. though we are in the same field, he prefers that i do all the househld work. we have two children 17 and 12 years old. he has also started neglecting his health. after work his only work is to sit on sofa , watch tv. he has gained a lot of weight, has started eating pan masala which i dislike. we also had no sex for the last four years. when confronted he always says that he is in no mood. last year i came in contact with his friend and once we had sex too. but the sad part is i dont really feel guilty about it. i have tried many times to talk to my husband about our sex life but he always ignores and put the blame on me that i have started growing old. however hard i try he is not able to have a erection, this frustrates me even more. he is very dominating at home too. what should i do ? everytime i try to think to move out of that marriage but am afraid of the society. since he is very caring in front of others. am worried about the kids too. please help what should i do? there is no use of talking to him, i have tried it many times. he is not ready to go to any councellor too.
Ans: It sounds like you are facing some serious challenges in your marriage and that you are feeling frustrated, unhappy, and trapped. It's important to remember that you are not alone and that many people find themselves in similar situations.

Here are some steps you can consider taking:

Seek support: Talk to a trusted friend or family member about your situation. Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who can provide you with support and guidance.

Take care of yourself: Make time for self-care and engage in activities that bring you joy and peace. This can help you manage stress and cope with the challenges you're facing.

Consider couples therapy: Even if your husband is not willing to attend therapy, consider seeking therapy for yourself. A therapist can help you understand your feelings and emotions and provide you with strategies for coping with the situation.

Be honest with yourself: It's important to be honest with yourself about your feelings and needs. If you are unhappy in your marriage and feel that it's unlikely to improve, it's okay to consider leaving the relationship.

Make a plan: If you decide that leaving the marriage is the best option, make a plan for how you will do so in a safe and practical manner. Consider the impact on your children and plan for their care and well-being.

Seek legal advice: If you decide to leave the marriage, consider seeking legal advice to understand your rights and responsibilities.

Remember, leaving a long-term relationship is a big decision and can be a difficult process. It's important to take the time to consider your options and seek support from trusted friends, family members, and professionals.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1647 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 10, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 07, 2025Hindi
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Hi Anu I need advice for my marriage. Ours was love cum arrange marriage 14 yrs ago.For first few years all was good .I am financially independent with good salary. My spouse s self employed. We hav one child 10 yrs old.My married s become more like a suffocating situation which I am not able to change.My husband is not at all interested in me now.He treats me invisible when it comes to husband wife relationship. He s good father and human being.But since last few yrs i am not having any emotional relationship with him.We spent so many days and time together yet not a single word of love emotions between us.He s busy with his calls mobile netflix all night while i keep awake all night.I have confronted him many times everytime he says you are always fighting with me and Want all this nonsense. He seem to avoid me all day. He want to discuss about his son and finances since i am earning more than him. its been years i cant handle it now.I want someone to look at me talk to me praise me love me.I deserve happiness but since my son is too small i can't think of living separately but i will die like this one day.I dont knw whats wrong with me seems its like he dont want to touch me as there s no physical relationship between us if we are home alone also.He tortures me mentally but remails happy.I failed as a wife despite giving my everything. I have none to discuss such embarrassing life .Pls advice what shall i do ?Should i found someone else as i dont have capacity to beg again and again?Its very difficult to imagine such long life with a partner who treats u invisible since years ?shall i shift to another city with my son?I am completely lost.Pls help everything. I cant beg for love and attention everytime
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There's almost and always a reason for any behavior change. Maybe you might want to understand what exactly made your husband lose interest in you. Did something happen for him to look the other way?
It's really hell living with a spouse who cold shoulders and stone walls you...My suggestion: Rather than blame yourself, have a discussion and not confrontation with him. Confrontations invariably lead you nowhere as you will be caught in an ego tussle. Discussion is where you try and understand what's on his mind and share how you feel.
Now, will he want that? Maybe not...but if this continues, you may want to give him an ultimatum. He must know that he isn't making a great point by ignoring you and that he must communicate the same with you instead.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |9758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 16, 2025

Money
Hi I am 46.working in Pvt sector. Able to save 10000rs per month. Don't have much savings or investment. Kindly guide me how to invest this amount to build up a good corpus in coming 10 years
Ans: You are 46 years old and saving Rs.10,000 every month. You want to create a strong investment plan for the next 10 years. You do not have much existing savings. That’s perfectly okay. You are ready to act now. That’s what matters.

Here is a detailed, simple, and practical 360-degree plan.

? Understand your financial starting point
– You are 46 years old, working in private sector.
– You are able to save Rs.10,000 monthly.
– You have minimal past savings or investments.
– You have not mentioned any LIC, ULIP, or insurance-based investments.
– You are now planning for a better financial future in 10 years.

That’s a great and timely decision.

? Clarify your financial goals
– Think about what you want after 10 years.
– Is it retirement? Or a second income source?
– Or your child’s higher education or marriage?
– Having a clear goal helps in better investment planning.
– You can define your goal in simple terms.
– Also, prioritise between must-have goals and good-to-have goals.

This brings better clarity and commitment.

? Monthly savings are your superpower
– Rs.10,000/month may look small. But it’s powerful.
– In 10 years, it can create meaningful wealth.
– Consistency is more important than amount.
– Keep saving without breaks.
– Even in tough months, try not to skip SIPs.

Discipline is your biggest strength now.

? Emergency fund is your safety net
– You should first build a safety buffer.
– Set aside 6 months of your monthly expenses.
– If monthly expense is Rs.30,000, build Rs.1.8 lakh buffer.
– Start with Rs.1 lakh in savings and liquid fund.
– Keep 30% in savings bank. Keep 70% in liquid fund.
– Avoid fixed deposits. Early withdrawal charges reduce returns.
– Liquid funds are better than savings.
– They offer next-day withdrawal and better returns.

Build emergency fund first. Then start investing for long-term goals.

? Avoid index funds for long-term wealth creation
– Index funds are unmanaged. They just copy the market index.
– They don’t protect you during falling markets.
– They drop fast during crashes.
– They don’t adjust to changing market conditions.
– You need smart fund management for long-term growth.
– Actively managed funds are better.
– They are run by professional fund managers.
– These managers buy or sell based on research.
– You benefit from their market insights.
– In India, actively managed funds have outperformed index funds.

Index funds may look cheap. But they cost returns in long run.

? Avoid direct plans if you are not an expert
– Direct plans don’t give you guidance.
– You must decide fund, amount, changes, rebalancing – all on your own.
– No help during volatile markets.
– No suggestions when your goals change.
– Regular plans through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) give guidance.
– You get support in fund selection and goal planning.
– CFPs help you avoid costly mistakes.
– They also review your portfolio regularly.
– Regular plans help you stay invested calmly.
– Investing is not just numbers. It’s also behaviour.

Handholding matters more than small expense ratio difference.

? Begin with 2–3 strong equity mutual funds
– Start with only 2 or 3 diversified equity funds.
– Choose Flexi Cap and Large & Midcap categories.
– These give good mix of large and mid companies.
– Add a Balanced Advantage Fund for market stability.
– These funds shift between equity and debt automatically.
– You don’t need to monitor markets daily.
– Avoid sector funds, international funds, thematic funds.
– They are risky and not suitable for your stage.
– Don’t try to pick many funds.
– Few good funds are enough.

Over-diversification leads to confusion, not better returns.

? Allocate SIP amounts with simplicity
– You can start SIP of Rs.4,000 in Flexi Cap fund.
– Rs.3,000 in Large & Midcap fund.
– Rs.3,000 in Balanced Advantage fund.
– Total = Rs.10,000/month.

This is simple and powerful allocation.

? Increase SIPs every year
– Try to increase your SIPs by 5–10% yearly.
– If income rises, increase investments first before expenses.
– Even Rs.1,000 extra per year makes a big difference.
– Over 10 years, this boosts final corpus strongly.

Growth in SIP is more important than one-time investments.

? Keep equity investments long term
– Don’t withdraw before 10 years.
– Let the money grow through compounding.
– Equity markets have ups and downs.
– But they reward patient investors over time.
– If you panic in short term, you lose returns.

Time is your best friend in equity.

? Avoid investment-linked insurance policies
– Don’t mix insurance with investment.
– LIC policies, endowment plans, ULIPs give poor returns.
– They promise returns, but deliver less than inflation.
– Keep insurance separate and simple.
– Buy term insurance if not already taken.
– Premium is low, cover is high.

Investment-cum-insurance products dilute both goals.

? Review portfolio every year
– Fund performance must be tracked once a year.
– Change the fund if it underperforms for 2 years.
– Rebalance if one fund grows too big.
– Your Certified Financial Planner will help with review.
– Don’t switch funds often. Review, not react.

Long-term success comes from patience and planning.

? Understand tax impact of mutual funds
– Long Term Capital Gains above Rs.1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.
– Short Term Capital Gains are taxed at 20%.
– For debt funds, both gains are taxed as per your tax slab.
– Plan your withdrawals smartly.
– Take help of your CFP before redeeming.

Tax planning can save you big money.

? Stay away from risky investments
– Don’t invest in stock tips or small companies.
– Don’t try F&O or day trading.
– Stay away from chit funds and ponzi schemes.
– Don’t follow friends or relatives blindly.

Stick to mutual funds with professional guidance.

? Stay consistent with your plan
– Don’t stop SIPs due to short-term events.
– Avoid taking emotional decisions based on news.
– Focus on your goals, not market noise.
– Investing is like growing a tree.
– Give time, water it regularly, don’t uproot.

Consistency builds wealth quietly and surely.

? Create financial discipline in your life
– Avoid unnecessary expenses.
– Track your income and spending.
– Set automatic SIPs.
– Pay off credit card bills fully.
– Don’t take loans for gadgets or travel.
– Start saving before spending.

Good habits support good investments.

? Finally
– You are starting at 46, but that’s not late.
– Many people don’t start at all.
– Rs.10,000/month for 10 years with right discipline is powerful.
– Focus on quality funds.
– Stick to your goals.
– Review annually.
– Stay invested with the help of a Certified Financial Planner.
– Avoid direct plans if you’re not hands-on.
– Avoid index funds.
– Build emergency fund first.
– Increase SIP yearly.
– Don’t stop investing.
– Your 10-year wealth plan is now in motion.

Let your money work quietly. You stay focused and calm.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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