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Anu Krishna |1330 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 21, 2021

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by J on Jun 21, 2021Hindi

I have been married for 1.5 years now and my wife and we were not much of talkers before marriage also.

Now also she doesn't care about my job, family or anything about me. The only thing she needed from this marriage is a baby.

We only have sex once/twice a month just for this purpose and she doesn’t allow me to feel/touch her.

Emotionally and physically I am not feeling married. She is not interested in talking, not interested in any feelings, and avoids all kinds of conversations.

Is she selfish and stubborn? Will she be okay if we had our child or am I doomed?

She is well educated and has a job, so not dependent on me in any way.

I feel I am being used by her and she will throw me like a tissue paper when she gets what she needs.

She insists that I change my job because that way I can be involved in my job/ travel far for the job so that she can live alone happily.

I didn’t expect my marriage life and sex life will be this bad since I expected more and had dream of honeymoon etc and all.

Ans: Dear J, expectations can lead to a few maybe more disappointments.

We all do dream of that ‘perfect’ marriage and movies make a huge deal out of it literally making it hard for us to create our own marriages in peace.

When you say: She uses you as a ‘tissue paper’ do you refer to feeling that your voice doesn’t count and that you are needed only when she needs you?

What seems to be the problem is that the two of you haven’t allowed yourselves to know each other and grow together physically and emotionally.

Marriage is work and you have to work at it and with it everyday.

Living with another person from a different background and perhaps ideas and culture isn’t particularly a cakewalk.

Indian families invariably think that getting a baby solves everything. It in fact complicates the situation further.

Also, the sexual needs of a wife and husband may not be the same at the same point in time.

But this cannot be the cause of a crack in that marriage though most times this is the one that takes the crown.

If you feel emotionally and physically distant from her, don’t you think it’s time to set your differences aside and have a talk about this rather than burying it under the carpet?

Also, give a close look at if you are not comfortable with your wife being independent.

In a strictly patriarchal outlook, the man prefers that the women at home are kept into household chores and the man brings in the money and takes all the decisions.

If this is the case, (I am not suggesting but asking you to do a reality check on this), it is perhaps time to rewire your thoughts on this and harmonize with her independence.

Also, your wife must be made to understand that marriage is a place for two people to work together and being independent does not mean ‘living in isolation physically and emotionally’.