Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Anu Krishna |880 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 21, 2021

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by J on Jun 21, 2021Hindi

I have been married for 1.5 years now and my wife and we were not much of talkers before marriage also.

Now also she doesn't care about my job, family or anything about me. The only thing she needed from this marriage is a baby.

We only have sex once/twice a month just for this purpose and she doesn’t allow me to feel/touch her.

Emotionally and physically I am not feeling married. She is not interested in talking, not interested in any feelings, and avoids all kinds of conversations.

Is she selfish and stubborn? Will she be okay if we had our child or am I doomed?

She is well educated and has a job, so not dependent on me in any way.

I feel I am being used by her and she will throw me like a tissue paper when she gets what she needs.

She insists that I change my job because that way I can be involved in my job/ travel far for the job so that she can live alone happily.

I didn’t expect my marriage life and sex life will be this bad since I expected more and had dream of honeymoon etc and all.

Ans: Dear J, expectations can lead to a few maybe more disappointments.

We all do dream of that ‘perfect’ marriage and movies make a huge deal out of it literally making it hard for us to create our own marriages in peace.

When you say: She uses you as a ‘tissue paper’ do you refer to feeling that your voice doesn’t count and that you are needed only when she needs you?

What seems to be the problem is that the two of you haven’t allowed yourselves to know each other and grow together physically and emotionally.

Marriage is work and you have to work at it and with it everyday.

Living with another person from a different background and perhaps ideas and culture isn’t particularly a cakewalk.

Indian families invariably think that getting a baby solves everything. It in fact complicates the situation further.

Also, the sexual needs of a wife and husband may not be the same at the same point in time.

But this cannot be the cause of a crack in that marriage though most times this is the one that takes the crown.

If you feel emotionally and physically distant from her, don’t you think it’s time to set your differences aside and have a talk about this rather than burying it under the carpet?

Also, give a close look at if you are not comfortable with your wife being independent.

In a strictly patriarchal outlook, the man prefers that the women at home are kept into household chores and the man brings in the money and takes all the decisions.

If this is the case, (I am not suggesting but asking you to do a reality check on this), it is perhaps time to rewire your thoughts on this and harmonize with her independence.

Also, your wife must be made to understand that marriage is a place for two people to work together and being independent does not mean ‘living in isolation physically and emotionally’.

Consult with a professional if you feel but I always like it when the couple deal with this themselves as the sanctity of marriage is well-preserved.

Create a beautiful relationship!

Relationship1Reply

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu Krishna |880 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 12, 2020

Question by JK - Nov 12, 2020Hindi

Dear Anu Krishna, I'm a 39 year old man, married and having a daughter. It was an arranged marriage. We started off okay, with some good level of romance initially but plateaued later. First the emotional connect dipped, then her trust dipped and eventually physical intimacy dipped. After childbirth, our sex life hit a low and in past 5 years it has been almost a sexless marriage. I had not been a perfect partner but very much willing to fix my mistakes (I haven't cheated on her, ever). But my wife has been aloof with near zero communication. I never interfered in her independence of any form. I always trusted her but I never felt trusted/wanted/loved. She refuses to have meaningful deep conversations. We do have a lot of financial stress. We considered divorce about 5 years ago but didn't because of our daughter. Last year, I met a colleague and I connected emotionally well with her. I do consider her a good friend but my family (I stay with my parents) think I'm in an affair. This new friend also considers me her friend. Now my wife seems a little jealous of my friend, which is a good sign that there is still some hope to salvage this marriage. People have advised me both ways - to divorce and not to. I really want a happy life for myself and my daughter. I am confused - what should I do?

Ans: Dear JK, I can only imagine the stresses of the situation that you and your wife are in. But it takes two people to make a marriage.

And it would be worthwhile for both of you to understand that childbirth is a very transformative experience for entire family especially the new mother and the baby.

It is of utmost relevance here for them to have the support of the father and the family.

The emotional and physical needs of the man maybe ignored here but do know that your wife/ mother doesn’t do this as a well-thought idea but because her hormones dictate her mind and body.

But of course, if this has been something that has been going on for a while now even after a year of childbirth, it would be wise to have an open communication channel where the two of you understand each other’s needs and see how best as a couple you can fulfil them.

It is normal for a human to seek validation and attention from the external when his needs are not fulfilled at home. But the complications that can arise from that are something that you are well aware of.

You are an adult and you know what’s best for you and your family.

Having said this, if the choice is to make the marriage work, please don’t engage in finger pointing and instead think of ways to spice up your relationship.

Find someone to care for your child while you and your wife take a holiday.

If this also doesn’t work, I would suggest couples marital therapy where a professional may guide you to rebuilding your marriage.

Happy rebuilding and it’s worth working at it!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |880 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 19, 2022

Question by AY - Jan 19, 2022Hindi

Dear MamI am a 33 year old male working in a PSU at middle management level. Six years ago I was married happily as per my wish to a girl of my choice.Everything was just perfect. My wife is 4.5 years younger to me. I had to go against my parents wish as they were not comfortable with a non working wife. Mine was not a love story but yes I met girl through a common friend and went ahead for the alliance. Our sex life was also great in the start and we welcomed a baby girl just 2 months short of our first wedding anniversary. However now when I compare I do understand that because of household chores she could not give proper time to me, but still I feel a strong urge to have sex with her. She somehow does not reciprocate well and is dull in having sex. Apart from this we still fight over silly things and tolerance level of both of us have gone very down. Sometimes I feel to this extent that I should walk out from the marriage because I really don't want hot talks in our relationship. I agree I have a 5 year old baby girl. I do control my feelings and anger too to some extent. My wife also does the same but really small things trigger me on. Also I always have a huge sex drive and I feel that if I don't get it from my wife I should look out for other options. I have not cheated with her but I feel that given the option I can because of sex urge. May be this is due to higher libido and I do masturbate occasionally fantasizing my neighbour or other female friends and sometimes my wife too. I don't know what goes through me but seeing your column I felt I should tell you these small details so you could give me an honest answer. I don't want to leave her, I do love her a lot but these fights really make me lose my cool and feel depressed.What should be done according to you ? Should I see a psychiatrist?

Ans:

Dear AY,

I will ask you to introspect and ask yourself: When did things start going downhill?

What event led to this? Surely, things don’t happen all of sudden, so something or some thought must have led to this.

Also, it’s important to understand that managing home and a child is a full time job and it tires the woman a lot.

To be in a mood for sex, the woman needs to be relaxed and calm…if the work at home is tiring, try and hire a domestic helper or any extra help that will ease her.

That way she will have more time to care for herself and her needs as well. Offer to pitch in and this will also bring the two of you closer.

Your theory of your high libido which is not being matched by your wife may or may not be true as sometimes that solution is simpler than you think.

Sadly, we are used to complicating things and look at what’s obvious in front of us.

Sex outside of marriage seems to be an option that has crossed your mind, but I do understand from your letter that you care and love your wife a lot.

Let not a moment of weakness make you shake the foundation of a beautiful relationship that the two of you share.

Have an open chat with her. Express how you feel and speak of your sexual needs.

Most often, communication solves most marriage issues. If this doesn’t work, kindly seek professional help with a marriage therapist.

Ultimately, you know why the two of you are married and why you chose her to be your wife.

Bear that in mind and a lot of yours mind struggles will ease and you will be able to think more usefully and also move into a better marriage space.

Happy 2022 and here’s wishing you the best in life!

Relationship