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Anu Krishna1040 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 21, 2021

Asked on - Jun 21, 2021Hindi

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I have been married for 1.5 years now and my wife and we were not much of talkers before marriage also.

Now also she doesn't care about my job, family or anything about me. The only thing she needed from this marriage is a baby.

We only have sex once/twice a month just for this purpose and she doesn’t allow me to feel/touch her.

Emotionally and physically I am not feeling married. She is not interested in talking, not interested in any feelings, and avoids all kinds of conversations.

Is she selfish and stubborn? Will she be okay if we had our child or am I doomed?

She is well educated and has a job, so not dependent on me in any way.

I feel I am being used by her and she will throw me like a tissue paper when she gets what she needs.

She insists that I change my job because that way I can be involved in my job/ travel far for the job so that she can live alone happily.

I didn’t expect my marriage life and sex life will be this bad since I expected more and had dream of honeymoon etc and all.

Ans: Dear J, expectations can lead to a few maybe more disappointments.

We all do dream of that ‘perfect’ marriage and movies make a huge deal out of it literally making it hard for us to create our own marriages in peace.

When you say: She uses you as a ‘tissue paper’ do you refer to feeling that your voice doesn’t count and that you are needed only when she needs you?

What seems to be the problem is that the two of you haven’t allowed yourselves to know each other and grow together physically and emotionally.

Marriage is work and you have to work at it and with it everyday.

Living with another person from a different background and perhaps ideas and culture isn’t particularly a cakewalk.

Indian families invariably think that getting a baby solves everything. It in fact complicates the situation further.

Also, the sexual needs of a wife and husband may not be the same at the same point in time.

But this cannot be the cause of a crack in that marriage though most times this is the one that takes the crown.

If you feel emotionally and physically distant from her, don’t you think it’s time to set your differences aside and have a talk about this rather than burying it under the carpet?

Also, give a close look at if you are not comfortable with your wife being independent.

In a strictly patriarchal outlook, the man prefers that the women at home are kept into household chores and the man brings in the money and takes all the decisions.

If this is the case, (I am not suggesting but asking you to do a reality check on this), it is perhaps time to rewire your thoughts on this and harmonize with her independence.

Also, your wife must be made to understand that marriage is a place for two people to work together and being independent does not mean ‘living in isolation physically and emotionally’.

Consult with a professional if you feel but I always like it when the couple deal with this themselves as the sanctity of marriage is well-preserved.

Create a beautiful relationship!

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Anu

Anu Krishna1040 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 18, 2021

Asked on - May 18, 2021Hindi

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Hi Anu, I read your article about suicide among young people in these trying times. It is really very stressful.

Well I am a 53 year old person from Delhi. I don’t have a job. My savings have dried up.

I am mentally and emotionally broken. My wife and daughter left me last year. I am not being able to cope up with the situation and the humiliation I was subjected to and am still going through.

It's like facing a wall with no way out. I feel like committing suicide as I am all alone and don’t have any support system.

I don’t know what to do. The urge to end my life is too strong as I was betrayed and cheated by my loved ones.

I spoke to some suicide helplines regarding this but they were of no help.

I hope maybe you can help.

Ans: Dear J, suicide is never an option, so DO NOT try to access something that does not exist.

The pandemic hasn’t been easy on most people across the globe and each person is going through their own challenges.

How each one responds to that is what defines what’s happening next.

This might sound to you like a good preachy note, but do remember, you and only you alone are responsible for your moods and your state of mind.

Times are trying and each of us are going through the Pandemic in different ways. Some of us have lost jobs, some of us have lost our loved ones, some of us have lost our piece of mind…the list is endless.

Why should you choose to go through humiliation when that event is over now?

By replaying it over and over again, does it help change what had happened? What if you choose to move to a thought that empowers you?

If you think this is impossible, NO, it isn’t. It requires you to WANT to move from where you are to where you want to be.

Choosing to be in the same place and thinking the same things repeatedly gives you the same result. A different result, then MOVE please, NOW.

This movement brings in fresh perspectives and fresh ideas that you can infuse in finding an alternative job or career and also into your personal life.

Humiliation is something that you went through and that can’t be changed. But to relive it, is a choice of yours…now, you know what to do. All the best!

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