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Anu Krishna |1622 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 07, 2021

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by DS on Jul 07, 2021Hindi

Ma'am, I am a 42 old male educationist by profession, a non-smoker and non-alcoholic.

I got married late at 40 through a matrimonial site after almost one year of chatting with a girl from another district aged 33 who otherwise is sweet and is 2nd among four sisters.

Before marriage they told me that after marriage she would get transferred from her government teaching job in her own locality to my home district.

But after marriage she stays in her own house, comes once a week on Saturday and leaves by Monday morning.

Worse, every day her sister calls up more than six times and spend 15 to 40 minutes over phone.

I unconsciously feel cheated being as single as before. She has clearly told she won't leave her job nor can do anything about transfer.

My parents' repeated requests to her father (an education officer) has fallen into deaf years.

Now without physical and emotional intimacy I get provoked. Arguing for every word she says makes matters worse.

Recently in anger I threw her phone away and now things are out of control.

Her younger sister warning me has made things worse.

Ma'am either I will commit suicide or go mad.

Ans: Dear DS, firstly, suicide is never an option.

So there is no necessity to think of it as challenges are a part of everyone’s lives and how we respond to these challenges define our entire lives.

Why does she choose to stay at her parents’ place?

I don’t see the reason in your write-up. Did the two of you have an argument?

Why is it that her parents don’t talk to her about settling down in a married life?

Sometimes, it need not be one reason but many to break down a marriage.

It mostly starts with assumptions, and we start to believe that this is true.

Her sister calling her 6 times in a day is just something that you choose to be irritated with which maybe in a happy marriage you might have made fun of.

Right now, every single thing associated with her, is what you choose to think of as a reason for the way the marriage is.

It takes two to make a marriage. I would like you to ask yourself: Have I in anyway contributed even a little to create this situation?

What this does is, helps you focus on what you can also change and that may help her understand you better and possibly make room for a discussion between the two of you.

Also, at 33, she possibly has been leading a very independent life and suddenly expecting her to change and settle into a marriage might take a while.

Be loving and caring without expecting and things can start to change.

But I know that she refuses to stay with you but when she does over the weekend, instead of arguing, simply unconditionally love her without asking for anything in return.

Love breaks down a lot of anger, resentment, and any assumptions that she maybe carrying.

Maybe talking to her sister gives her some sense of comfort and by pointing that out, might anger your wife and her sister which is what has happened.

Try something else; simply love as hard as this maybe.

You have married at an age where both of you have led a fairly independent life and to bring both your lives together, some amount of work has to go in.

If this fails, ask an older member of your family to step in and talk to her parents. Seek help when you think this is required.

Create a happy life.

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