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Anu Krishna |1437 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 07, 2021

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by DS on Jul 07, 2021Hindi

Ma'am, I am a 42 old male educationist by profession, a non-smoker and non-alcoholic.

I got married late at 40 through a matrimonial site after almost one year of chatting with a girl from another district aged 33 who otherwise is sweet and is 2nd among four sisters.

Before marriage they told me that after marriage she would get transferred from her government teaching job in her own locality to my home district.

But after marriage she stays in her own house, comes once a week on Saturday and leaves by Monday morning.

Worse, every day her sister calls up more than six times and spend 15 to 40 minutes over phone.

I unconsciously feel cheated being as single as before. She has clearly told she won't leave her job nor can do anything about transfer.

My parents' repeated requests to her father (an education officer) has fallen into deaf years.

Now without physical and emotional intimacy I get provoked. Arguing for every word she says makes matters worse.

Recently in anger I threw her phone away and now things are out of control.

Her younger sister warning me has made things worse.

Ma'am either I will commit suicide or go mad.

Ans: Dear DS, firstly, suicide is never an option.

So there is no necessity to think of it as challenges are a part of everyone’s lives and how we respond to these challenges define our entire lives.

Why does she choose to stay at her parents’ place?

I don’t see the reason in your write-up. Did the two of you have an argument?

Why is it that her parents don’t talk to her about settling down in a married life?

Sometimes, it need not be one reason but many to break down a marriage.

It mostly starts with assumptions, and we start to believe that this is true.

Her sister calling her 6 times in a day is just something that you choose to be irritated with which maybe in a happy marriage you might have made fun of.

Right now, every single thing associated with her, is what you choose to think of as a reason for the way the marriage is.

It takes two to make a marriage. I would like you to ask yourself: Have I in anyway contributed even a little to create this situation?

What this does is, helps you focus on what you can also change and that may help her understand you better and possibly make room for a discussion between the two of you.

Also, at 33, she possibly has been leading a very independent life and suddenly expecting her to change and settle into a marriage might take a while.

Be loving and caring without expecting and things can start to change.

But I know that she refuses to stay with you but when she does over the weekend, instead of arguing, simply unconditionally love her without asking for anything in return.

Love breaks down a lot of anger, resentment, and any assumptions that she maybe carrying.

Maybe talking to her sister gives her some sense of comfort and by pointing that out, might anger your wife and her sister which is what has happened.

Try something else; simply love as hard as this maybe.

You have married at an age where both of you have led a fairly independent life and to bring both your lives together, some amount of work has to go in.

If this fails, ask an older member of your family to step in and talk to her parents. Seek help when you think this is required.

Create a happy life.

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Question by Anonymous - Apr 20, 2022Hindi

I am from mechanical background and work as an engineer. My wife is an IT professional. We got married in 2014 by finding through matrimony site and same caste. I belong from Haryana and she is primarily from UP and we have grown in different cities. She has one sister (IT professional) who got divorced in 2012 and married again in 2014 after our engagement. Everything was fine. The story started after the engagement. I noticed she used to talk her jija (PG guest house renter) and I showed him caution since she did not attend my call in between. I again noticed her commanding behaviour when we were selecting the menu selection (food) for the upcoming function that was to happen at my place but I ignored it. Honeymoon was in Singapore where his brother played a role for ticket arrangement and agency where I paid her half the amount as per her wish. In the honeymoon also, I noticed she use to go to the bathroom and keep sending information to her family members which I ignored. By now I was of a view that she use to share thick and thin with her family members. After we married, I was supposed to go to Pune for two nights and she was alone in our flat. When I came back, I asked the security guard to share visitors list and saw her jija’s name (might be with her sister). I took a photo and went to the flat. I asked her anyone had come and she lied to me. Then it turned to be a hell fight and in the morning she put herself on her knees and said sorry and said it will not repeat. But this did not stop here. My and her office was in Gurgaon and sometimes she said please come for pickup. I went to her office two hours prior to her given time and caught her again with her jija and her sister. This kind of stuff I noticed two-three times. Once, we were roaming in a craft mela and we came across her jija and her sister. She used to go her home without telling for how much time she is going and all. This resulted in no stuff shared by me also. Her parents never called me and I also never connected with her parents and brother or her family. Whenever any fight happens, she shouts loudly to attract attention and she uses sex as a tool to forget every matter and move on. On the festival front, she carries on with her ways and has never accepted our ways. She always mentions, ‘Tum logon ko puja bi nahi karni aati.’ Her brother and parents visited only five-six times in seven years. They have a big time connection with elder jija. We have never take any penny from her salary till now because, on many occasions, I found her of ill-mentality. With God’s grace, we have two flats and our financial background is good. Whenever I try to ask her about her bank balance, she never gives answers. I tried to convince her that you pay my loan, I will give you EMI, but she always said she will think about it. I have four sisters. After we married, we visited them. She never gave them a penny and would always ask me; she would also say that I don’t have khulle paise. On one occasion she said, “Mere paise chori ho gaye.” It was the initial stage so we ignored it. But after that my shirt went missing and some stuff went missing. We also noticed a few times that our money was also stolen. We suspect her but are not sure about her behaviour. My sisters stay in the village and they came once in a year so there is no disturbance from my family. My mother is 75 years old and a very polite lady. She stays with us and interferes nothing in matters. We have two kids now. One of our kids is just ignoring her and the second kid is somewhat going with her and when I am at home he also usually spends time with me. She is never kind of playing and mixing person with kids and my behaviour is to mix and that’s the reason both kids connect well with me. Her parents stay in Dhanbad. She had gone there one year back but the kids refused to go. She put the blame on me. I told her that I can come along with kids to which she said big joke. After coming back from home, I notice she started saying no to everything -- like going our second home in the village or to attend any ceremony or saying no to sex, etc. Though I am a through gentleman, we ignore her but recently she provoked me and I said blah, blah, blah since she also use blah, blah, blah and recorded and called her brother and mother at our home. They use her father only for calling. Her father called and said, ‘Why are you using bad language?’ I said the same was used by her. They came my house twice for meeting. Her brother was quiet and mother overspoke. My wife used to threaten me three-four time for divorce and I kept ignoring her words. I mentioned this to her mother. Her mother in that meeting she will be here with taunting. She did the same thing to provoke second time and this time her mother use to never stop shouting along with my wife. Her brother also used abusive language and they brought one retired inspector. However, that retired person talk genuinely. He was from Haryana and, on many points, he mentioned festivals have family traditions. I never like her food in seven years not due to the bad reflection but due to her making recipe. I tried to change it in initial days, but she always tries to be heavy on me once I approach kitchen. So I left that and started eating. After two recent fights, there are no talks and I have kept one maid to cook my food. Now she used to go in the market/bank /her family frequently to disturb the atmosphere of the family. The big disconnect I found is she is full with backbiting and negative approach behaviour and never gives heed to positive behaviour. Either she will be quiet or she will be loud and attach no midway to discuss and debate. After all this, what I concluded is that my wife is totally hacked mind and adopted ill tactics to down me. Her family members are playing smartly and may be using her money also at the same time I observe that she don’t want to break with me. They want to put pressure on me by emotion/threaten means for the gaps (kids are not connected with her or her family). My thinking is time is a big healer and I have large mind to digest the situation comings. Please suggest me what can be best interest of this situation. Thanks

Ans:

Most of what you have written makes no sense.

If she is attached to her sister and brother-in-law, or even to her whole family, that should not be an issue for you. They are her family.

It’s not like she’s having an affair. And it’s not like she spends an unreasonable amount of time with them, is it? In fact, her parents are not even in the same city.

You not liking her cooking sounds like a complaint from the Middle Ages -- hiring a cook seven years ago would have helped instead of fighting!

And if she has a temper problem, that can be addressed as well, with mature discussions between the two of you. Involving other family members there is a mistake.

You’ve given importance to so many non-issues in your mail to me that I’m wondering where exactly the problem lies. Visit a marriage counsellor -- both of you.

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