I got married in 2018 and it was an arranged marriage. Everything seemed very perfect for me. But soon after things got weird as I realised my husband does not share good rapport with his own family. From day second, I felt I need to correct my husband' attitude towards his own parents. He loves me a lot and protects me from any type of problem while we were staying at my in-laws' house. But before completing 2 months we moved out and somewhere I knew there is no going back to his parents from that point. During the short 2 months stay I was told that my parents did not give me good stuff -- I mean bed, almirah and (that they) had not arranged our marriage function in the best way possible. I have seen them fighting among themselves for purchasing Maggi packets stating who will pay the price. I was told my husband who is eventually their real son contributed nothing to his sister's marriage, to their house construction and to his own marriage. I was asked to pay for the marriage album as my husband contributed nothing to his own marriage. Even after leaving their place bank payment related messages have been sent to me to pay the amount. One day after feeling helpless I asked them: If your son is having so much problem why did you marry him. They simply stated that they did it for the sake of society. The moments before leaving the house were tense. They threw a lot of tantrums -- they took the jewellery they'd purchased for me and also retained the jewellery given by my parents. I said nothing about it as those materialistic things never mattered to me. I had to take back a part of jewellery made by my parents from them as my parents wanted it back. But after leaving home they did not call to ask anything about our health or our problems with the new set up but instead called for money. They are threatening to come back if we don't talk to them on regular basis and bend their son on his knees to come back to his parents. Till some time, I was under the impression that my husband is having issues; that he is the monster who is abandoning his parents. When I learned his side of story, I realised he is not at fault completely. They never made him feel loved or accepted; and always compared him with others. They considered him as their investment plan as they are all the time cursing him for not providing any financial support without knowing at what salary he is working for, what are his monthly expenses and whether he is in a position to assist them financially.He doesn't have any good memories with his family. Still I tried to make him feel their pain to be left alone behind their only son. After leaving their house they started to abuse me on phone whenever they wanted. They cursed me and my parents for taking their son away from them. My husband is the typical Indian male who on the first night took control of my debit card as he thinks it is his birth right. He strictly told me what not to wear. Although these were major flaws in the attitude, he showed love towards me so I did also do the same. I am happy with him. But with this constant verbal abuse from his parents, I feel like I’m the one who is the culprit here. I was not ready to even extend my family with my husband but somehow I did take the decision after four years of my marriage. I am expecting now but my husband warned me to not inform about this to his parents otherwise, he will send me permanently to my parents’ house. My subconscious is shaking me in every 2 to 3 weeks that I’m the culprit here. I feel like my child will also leave me behind the way we left his parents behind. They insulted me in every possible way but I still don't want them to be left alone in their senior years like this. But I have no control over my husband he is way more detached towards them and maximum time insensitive to their problems. Also his parents always call to either abuse me or their son they did never ask us how we are if we are fine even in corona time I was positive and when they knew about they call my husband to make fun of this. Please suggest.
Ans: Dear MB,
Too much going on in your mind all at once. Sometimes, it helps to compartmentalize.
It seems like you are being a nice human, have tried patching things between the son and his family.
Let it alone, it is unique and it’s their battle to fight. By you getting into this, it might eventually be pointed out that you are a bad wife and a bad influence on their son.
People when in distress lose sense of logic and blame everything on the external. So, you have done your bit, in vain…now stay away from their relationship.
What is meant to be, will be. Any more interference might only harm the relationship further.
As for you, when they call and abuse, kindly assert that you will not be talked to in that manner OR simply avoid their calls till the time they ask, then say: I do want our conversations to be had with respect both ways.
As for your husband taking away your debit card; it does seem his way of exercising control which he lacks with himself in relation to his parents.
He feels helpless and him taking charge of what you wear etc is his way of establishing ground rules by being a patriarch.
Please rework this soon else this will be observed by your children especially if you have a girl child.
Your meek submission is what she will learn from you.
Just like you took your streedhan back, what you feel you have a personal association and right over, kindly take it back.
His love for you does not mean that he owns you and it does not mean you need to submit.
Of course, if it is to maintain peace for the time being, alright…but over a period of time this has to change.
Enjoy the pregnancy without bringing unwanted worries that your child will also leave you etc.
Too much of commercial movies can instil these fears. Your husband and his family made this choice to harbor animosity towards each other.
Why will your child do the same with you? There is no transference. Simply, enjoy being pregnant, focus on yourself and your child.
Think good, eat good, feel good, laugh a lot and choose what who you want around you. It affects the child directly.
Please become responsible now towards your unborn child. He/she needs you.
Be with Nature a lot, listen to calming music…your baby will thank you someday for this. So smile and get on to enjoying your pregnancy.
Be happy and all the best!
Question by Anonymous on Apr 20, 2022Hindi
