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Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 07, 2022

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Oct 07, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Dear love guru,
Hope u are doing well. 
This story starts in 2018 when I was in my 12th. I had a huge crush on this junior girl. This girl is very intelligent and she used to get very high marks. So I took that as an inspiration and started working very hard on my academics. I started to read like a maniac and that worked and I got seat in a very prestigious college hoping she would get the seat in the same college but unfortunately she got seat in other state. I was disappointed. I was shy and never talked to her in my 12th and thought I lost my chance of talking to her ever again. But fortunately after a year, I found her insta and mustered my courage to chat with her. 
Although it was awkward initially, we became good friends (I guess so) and used to chat almost daily. She is really a charmer and she chats so nicely. She is a great friend but I never had courage to say about my feelings. She used to talk about her friends, her new college and her cats and so many things about herself and as I am her senior, I used to guide her and talk about my daily experiences. We had great time talking to each other on insta, WhatsApp and even snapchat. Heck we have a Spotify playlist Collab and she even included me in her private Instagram account as a close friend (u know that girls do have spam accounts for close friends) and I was wondering whether I'm just another friend or close friend or anything more. 
This continued like for many months and we chatted very well in the lockdown. I never met her or called her, we just chatted( I'm a shy guy and not so good at talking to girls). Feelings aside, she became a really good friend to me and I don't have many friends. I never said her about my feelings, fearing it would destroy this great friendship I was having.
But recently she was not responding properly to my chats( I never misbehaved in the chat ). I do believe she is seeing a guy whom she met recently but I don't know whether that is a relationship or just friendship. 
I was disappointed but hey it's her life and I was u know just continuing my life feeling sad sometimes or just trying to forget about her. And recently she completely avoided my messages and I was so hurt(I do have some self-respect right). U could say this as a one side love story. But this is so hard. After all she is my first love and this started affecting my academics. Should I move on or should I just continue trying to talk to her so that hopefully she will talk to me like she used to before. I don't have any problem continuing but sometimes I feel what's the purpose since it is going nowhere. 
Please give me any valuable suggestion. Sorry for the long story
Thank you  

Ans:

You've enjoyed a mainly online relationship; there's a lot more to things than that.

There is definitely a reason why she's not responding to your messages anymore and it could be anything -- maybe you came on too strong, maybe she's met someone else, maybe her new boyfriend is from the Stone Age and doesn't like her interacting with other male friends.

I would suggest writing her one last message to the effect that you miss your friend, you don't know why she has begun avoiding you and, at the very least, if she wants to discontinue contact she should have the courtesy of letting you know that, along with the reason why.

See if she responds.

If she doesn't, take that as a very strong and clear signal in itself that she wants nothing to do with you anymore and doesn't have manners either. In which case I would strongly suggest you cease all contact as well.

If she does show some courtesy and reply, see if what she has to say can be addressed.

And all things considered, don't be too heartbroken about this. There are many great girls out there for you to start anew with -- in person perhaps, this time around!

 

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 30, 2022

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Relationship
Hello Ma’am/Sir. I, Shivam Sharma. I want a suggestion for the problem I am facing right now. Before that I am going to share my story with you. It is about 2018 when I joined a gym near-by my house. I got a crush on a girl. She came with her sister and brother. I used to watch her in gym. Later I found that I love her. I have had her in my dreams. After some time I think she knows that I watched her in gym and got a crush on her. Then she, her sister started watching me every day and sometimes they smile sometimes they used to make a strange face like angry or something but I didn't understand at all (mixed reactions). All this went for a long time till 2020 before COVID-19. I know her Instagram and Facebook handle but I didn’t her send her a request becoz of reputation. Even I can't able to talk to her in gym becoz of reputation. After that I didn't get the time to join the gym till now. Now the situation is I joined the gym but still I got mixed reaction sometimes smile or strange or no reaction. I don't able to understand what is going on in her head. I really want something to happen but in a positive way. I really like this girl I want to spend my whole life with her. I want to marry. I want this to happen in 3 months becoz after that I will move to some other state for my further studies. I don't have enough time. Ma’am, please help me how can I approach her. How can I make her feel positive or to like me and relationship all. I can't able to understand what I am going to do.  Shivam
Ans:

Whoa, slow down Romeo!

Just seeing a girl in the gym is different from spending the rest of your life with her.

Please be a little practical...you know NOTHING about her. So I’d suggest that you make a move to get to know her first, because you haven’t for three years!

And stop building her up so much in your head, it’s not healthy.

You’re obsessed with someone you don’t know. Go up to her and her sister in the gym, introduce yourself and maybe ask them both out for coffee after your workout session and get acquainted first.

You can think of marriage when you’re dating a person, not when you don’t even know her name! 

..Read more

Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on May 30, 2022

Relationship
Hello Sir or Madam. Please keep me as anonymous only. Let me tell my story. I am 29 now. Work for an MNC for the past six years. From middle class family with big circle. Before going to speak out on my problem, let me tell my nature, how I was brought up, studies and attitude. Since we are middle class family with no financial crisis, I never seen ups and downs in Life accordingly. In the case of studies, I was topper at all levels of education till MBA from reputed institute. I was like love is trash n waste of time. When I used to hear all love stories, I used to feel pity on them. But I did maintain very good relationship with many, many girls (not GF type). But now I am going through the hell just because of one girl whom I was forcibly loved her and later I addicted to her with true love. During COVID I had to go WFH for two years. She visited her granny’s house and stayed back for few weeks. They live in Bangalore. I have never seen her face or noticed her during the time when she stayed. But she noticed, observed and enquired about me. So once she left to Bangalore, she sent FB request and I accepted. Immediately we have exchanged numbers and started texting ‘n’ talking. Initially I rejected her since she is eight years junior to me. Later she emotionally told once as she lost her father very recently and she just don’t want to go into depression again if I reject her. I got convinced and started loving truly. I replaced her father in her life which she used to tell. One day, she got caught by her brother while she was on call with me. Since we belong to different castes, they rejected me. She got house arrested. There was no connection between us. First time in life I fell into depression. I lost my job after just three weeks when she got separated from me. I was unable to speak anyone in the world. My family ‘n’ circle was afraid as I may do harm to myself for her. On December 16, 2021, I tried to commit suicide by writing a letter in laptop to her telling how I was missing her ‘n’ needed her. Took print and left to railway track to die. I took alcohol and was on the track. Someone rescued me and took me to hometown from Bangalore with PAN card address which was in my purse. Every day I was losing hope on my life. Finally I got call from her number in the first week of Jan. I was happy and cried like anything with her on call. She told that she would never leave me alone whatever happens ‘n’ who ever tries to separate us. Again, I took my energy ‘n’ hopes back and started job searching. There was 1 month gap again until Feb 8, 2022. After that she used to call me whenever it is possible. From March 15 to March 31, she kept fighting with me over call and spoken mercilessly. There was no kindness or love or concern on me. Again, I lost hope on my life. She kept asking me to stay away from her. She knew that I cannot initiate contact from my end, since she only should do whenever she able to do. Day by day, I am losing interest on my Life. I left the job. Now I’m alone with her thoughts and words spoken by her. My family n circle knew all this drama what’s going on. They hate me for losing self-respect for a girl. But I have never seen that girl as a girl. I am addicted to alcohol, day ‘n’ night drinking and surviving. I knew she won’t come back if I ruin my life like this by drinking ‘n’ all. But I just can’t control myself over her. The promises which she made me were gone... But still I stand for her, for what I promised. I begged the girl like anything not to leave me alone. I just can’t digest that she won’t be no more for me. N number of the times I used to tell her that You are my first priority over all in my life, like family, siblings, money, career and what not. Most of the times I told her that I’ll commit suicide for you if I come to know that you are not there for me. It doesn’t mean that I am an emotional fool who does not know how to live or unable to get another girl. But you have such significance in my life. I elaborated as much as I can. But she never listened me. I am just wonder where was her sweet words ‘n’ promises, what’s the reality now? I am upset with me -- where was original me and who I am now without self-respect. My parents ‘n’ siblings are forcing me to give up on her. As per them, she is just a golddigger and cheater without love and trust... My mind n heart never ever forgets her. Don’t know the future. But many times I pray God to kill me in sleep itself without pain so I can reach Venkateshwara... Entire world is against that girl, but I am defending her at every passing moment. Human beings invented many amazing things. My wish is we should be available with tablets or injection which can erase memories which belongs to particular person or for particular time in life... The real enemy to the human beings is LOVE.... Finally I am just waiting for my death... I knew that she won’t realise even if I die also. But I should sleep forever and ever just because for the crime I did love her.... Dear Bujji, it’s for you. I am also a human being as like U. As like your mother, even my mother has given birth to me. Finally, no words.... I am alone... Memories are hunting me.... chasing me... Love Guru, please publish this story as it is. Because someone may going through hell with similar story at least they will read the Q&A as well. Love Guru... I hate me... I do have all with me -- good health, 21 LPA job now, stabilised family and friends ‘n’ family circle... But this bloody struggling to get her love amongst the 7 billion people on this Earth... Love Guru, I feel that I lost. I am feeling low... I got cheated by her... Finally I am nothing to her. Dear readers, don’t think that why this fool is suffering for a girl like this.... I have seen her my GODDESS... Thank you... Have a nice day…
Ans:

You’ve needlessly wound yourself up over a silly girl.

You don’t even sound like you’ve had a physical relationship, it was only long distance, so what are you getting so out of joint for? A few intimate conversations with someone who said one thing but meant another?

If things in your life are spiralling so much out of control, I’d suggest therapy.

Stop drinking before it becomes a real problem. It sounds like you’re doing this to yourself deliberately, so that you receive some attention from her.

But the more you do this, the worse the situation will get. And no woman wants an out-of-control, desperate, alcoholic lover!

For heavens’ sake, man, get a hold of yourself and, if you can’t, then get the professional help you need. 

..Read more

Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2022

Relationship
Hi Love Guru. Please keep my identity as anonymous as possible.  I have few issues going on in my mind and want your suggestions. First, to get out of block and unblock chain. I met a girl who is my brother’s friend in 2017. We started chatting on FB, then exchanged numbers. We had a rapport till six months. There was a unique attachment between us during that period. Not chatting with her for even one day would make me uneasy. In October 2017, her engagement was fixed. I was normal, knowing that there cannot be much between us except being in contact. One day, at the end of our talk, she said, Love you. I laughed, saying “What nonsense that you always call me with different weird names. Now, after your engagement is fixed, you are telling me this.” Then, she blocked me on WhatsApp and I really felt like I was in a cage. Then, after a few days, she unblocked me. She got engaged but, after a few months, her engagement broke. We then again got in good contact. After few months her marriage got fixed. Now she is married. After her marriage, our contact was very, very less as priorities changed. I proceeded with my studies and job and she carried on with her personal and professional life. Two months back, she called me and said I am bored and feeling irritated with life so I called you to freshen my mind. I was also happy talking to her. I am that kind of introvert person who opens up with few and she was among them. For one or two weeks, we used to talk 30 to 45 minutes daily. Suddenly, she blocked me on WhatsApp. I called her and she behaved like a stranger to me -- like who’s this, I don’t know you, who you are and she ended the call and blocked me. Till date, she has blocked me. I think there are many things she is hiding from me -- from why her first engagement broke to marring another guy who is not of her caste when she is from a conservative family  Post her engagement, there were many times she blocked and unblocked me. She is running in my mind. I want to get rid of her. Please suggest how and what shall I talk to her so I get an end to this. Thank you for bearing to read all this. My second issue is I think I am addicted to pornography. Two to three years back, I used to watch a lot of porn and would prefer MILF porn, ie senior pornstars videos. I think, due to this, I don’t get much attracted to girls of my age. I respect them but I think, because of my addiction, I see females elder to me attractive rather than females of my age. Please help. Suggest how I shall get out of this as this also affects me academically, personally and professionally. Thank you, Anon
Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t think you really have any serious problems in your life at all; it’s your perceptions that are all wrong.

Let me straighten this out for you, one issue at a time.

First off, you have one weird, unpredictable friend who once told you she loved you and then went and married someone else.

Not once have you stated that you are in love with her or have feelings for her. In fact, when she said she loved you, you brushed it off.

She contacts you when she’s bored and cuts you off when she’s not.

And now, it’s come to the point where you really need to be the one blocking her and not the other way around...

You want to get rid of her? Block her once and for all. And if she still manages to get in touch, tell her politely that you have had enough of this one-sided friendship and not to contact you again.

Second, about what you think is a porn ‘addiction’... An addiction is something that interferes with your normal life, career and relationships. It’s an obsession that consumes you every waking hour.

And, from what you’ve said, I don’t think you’re watching such volumes of pornography every day, are you?

Furthermore, unless you’re into grannies, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being attracted to women older than you... everyone has a type!

If after everything I’ve said you still fancy you have problems, I’d suggest visiting a therapist. But before spending that kind of money, think long and hard about what I’ve said and decide for yourself whether you think you need it.

 

..Read more

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Study Abroad Expert - Answered on May 02, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 01, 2024Hindi
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My doughter completed mbbs internship in india Karnataka she wants. Study pg in outside india
Ans: Hello,

To begin with, thank you for contacting us. I am glad to hear that your daughter has completed her MBBS internship in Karnataka, India and now wishes to pursue her postgraduate (PG) studies abroad. Based on her choices, professional objectives, as well as the programs that are offered in her chosen field of expertise, I would like to tell you that she can apply to countries viz., the USA, Canada, the UK, Ireland, Germany, Australia, and Singapore for the same. Besides the ones mentioned above, there are a number of other nations that provide outstanding programs for postgraduate medical education. I would recommend that your daughter takes into account these steps:

Firstly, she should conduct a comprehensive study on countries and universities offering postgraduate medical programs, taking into account variables viz., the reputation, course offerings, experience of the faculty members, clinical placements, as well as the specializations that are available. Next, she should look into the entry prerequisites for overseas students applying to PG medical programs in the country she has chosen. Remember that prerequisites may differ, including academic credentials, language competency (viz., scores of the TOEFL or IELTS tests), and perhaps even medical licensing exams like the PLAB or USMLE. Next, as part of the application procedure, your daughter will need to submit her academic marksheets, a statement of purpose (SOP), endorsement letters, and at times, scores of standardized tests. Make sure she adheres to all the prerequisites and deadlines for every program that she applies to. I would suggest that your daughter takes into account the cost of studying overseas, including costs of living, healthcare, tuition, as well as any prospective scholarships or possibilities for monetary assistance. She should look into scholarships available to overseas students. In addition, help her locate appropriate housing, be it private rentals, university accommodation, or homestays whilst taking into account variables viz., safety, closeness to the university, and the cost. Not just that, also make sure that your daughter possesses adequate medical insurance coverage that satisfies the university and host country's criteria. I would recommend that your daughter gets in touch with alumni, former and current international students, faculty members, as well as experts in her academic field. Remember that developing a robust network can offer advice, invaluable assistance, as well as chances to collaborate. I would suggest that your daughter learns about the visa prerequisites and immigration procedures for the nation she has chosen. Ensure that she applies for the right visa on schedule and completes all the required paperwork. I would recommend that you assist your daughter in preparing for her study abroad experience, including adjusting to a new culture, adapting to a new academic setting, as well as overcoming any possible homesickness. Lastly, keep abreast on any updates or advancements pertaining to travel abroad, immigration laws, and healthcare rules. I would like to tell you that by adhering to these steps and examining her possibilities, your daughter can successfully pursue her postgraduate medical education abroad.

For more information, you can visit our website.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |1280 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 02, 2024

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |1280 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 02, 2024

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |1280 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 02, 2024

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Money
I recently received 10 lakhs which was invested earlier. Currently i invest 18k in parag parekh flexi, 15k in Navi nifty50, 15k ICICI pru s&p index, 8k quant mid, 8 k quant small,8k Motilal Oswal mid, 8k Nippon India small, 12.5k elss quant, 7.5k gold, 20k debt. Will be doing this for next 20yrs. How do I put my lumpsum of 10lakhs in this? Should I bulk invest or slowly put money in to these over next 6 months
Ans: Congratulations on receiving the 10 lakhs! That's a great opportunity to boost your investments for the next 20 years. Here's a breakdown of the two approaches for your lump sum:

Bulk Invest:

Pros: Takes advantage of rupee-cost averaging. The market fluctuates, so by investing everything at once, you capture some units at potentially lower prices. It's also simpler to manage, requiring just one investment decision.
Cons: If the market takes a dip right after you invest, your entire sum goes in at a potentially higher price.
SIP over 6 Months:

Pros: Provides a form of averaging as you invest across different market conditions. Offers some peace of mind if you're concerned about market volatility.
Cons: Misses out on the potential benefit of rupee-cost averaging if the market trends upwards. Requires more discipline to consistently invest each month.
Choosing the Right Approach:

There's no one-size-fits-all answer. It depends on your risk tolerance:

Comfortable with some risk? A bulk investment might be suitable.
Prefer to spread the risk? Consider SIPs over 6 months.
Here's a suggestion: Talk to a certified financial planner. They can analyze your existing portfolio (diversified across equity, debt, and gold - that's good!) and risk profile to recommend the best way to deploy your lump sum. They can even suggest a hybrid approach, investing a portion upfront and the rest via SIPs.

Remember, you've got a long investment horizon of 20 years. Stay focused and make well-informed decisions to grow your wealth!

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |1280 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 02, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 16, 2024Hindi
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Money
I am an NRI, 60 years old. Trying for the first time to invest in India. My friend suggest I do invest in SIP and recommend 4 funds - Nippon India large cap, DSP small cap, HDFC flexi cap and ICICI Pru multi assest funds. What do you recommend? How much should I start with? Is 5 k in each fund is ok and monitor? Pl.let mr know. Thank you.
Ans: Ah, coming back to invest in India after all these years, must be a wonderful feeling! It's like reconnecting with a piece of your history. But times change, and so do investments. SIPs (Systematic Investment Plans) are a brilliant way to build your nest egg over time, a bit by bit, just like that proverbial rice bag!

Your friend's suggestion of diversifying across large, small, and flexi-cap funds makes perfect sense. Think of it as having a well-rounded meal – you wouldn't want just dal, would you? You want the whole thali! Diversification helps spread the risk, just like having a strong support system in life.

Now, 5k in each fund is a good starting point. But remember, the amount depends on your overall financial goals. How much do you want this nest egg to be? Visualize it - a comfortable retirement by the beach? Helping your grandchildren with their education? Once you have that vision, a Certified Financial Planner can help you tailor your SIP contributions to reach it.

So, take that first step! It's like planting a sapling – it might seem small now, but with careful nurturing, it can grow into a magnificent tree. Happy investing!

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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