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Kanchan Rai |499 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Question by Dr.M on Dec 06, 2024

I am in my late 60s but still very fit and healthy whereas my wife has lost all the interest in physical intimacy. This has resulted me finding outlet outside my marriage in women half of my age. My girlfriend is a dentist and I am an epidemiologist. She insists that I leave my wife and move with her and eventually we would marry then. She thinks that there is no point in living in a relationship where we have lost interest in each other and are hardly getting physically intimate. Would appreciate your expert advice on this and whether I should continue this way or leave my wife for over 45 years and move with my girlfriend who is 25 years younger than me. We both love each other physically, mentally and intellectually. Thank you.

Ans: After 45 years of marriage, your relationship with your wife is likely built on more than just physical intimacy. A bond of that length often includes shared history, companionship, and mutual support. It’s understandable that the absence of physical intimacy can leave you feeling unfulfilled, but it’s also important to recognize that intimacy in a long-term marriage often evolves beyond physicality into emotional connection and companionship. Ask yourself what your marriage still brings to your life beyond the physical. Are there aspects of your relationship with your wife that you still value and cherish?

Your relationship with your girlfriend seems to fulfill needs that are unmet in your marriage—passion, intellectual connection, and emotional closeness. It’s natural to feel drawn to that, especially when you both feel aligned in multiple dimensions. However, leaving a marriage of such longevity and depth is a monumental decision, not just for you but also for your wife, family, and even your girlfriend. It's important to reflect on the potential consequences of this choice—not just how it could impact your own life, but the ripple effects it may have on others involved.

Before making a decision, consider engaging in open, honest communication with your wife. Share your feelings—not as blame but as a vulnerable expression of what you’re experiencing. Sometimes, long-standing relationships fall into patterns of distance because both partners have stopped discussing their needs openly. If she is willing, exploring counseling together could help both of you understand where you stand and whether there’s a path to rekindling connection, even if it’s not physical intimacy.

With your girlfriend, reflect on what she means to you and what you envision for a shared future. Love and compatibility are powerful forces, but they must be weighed against the potential impact of disrupting your current life. Ensure that this relationship is based on mutual respect and shared values beyond just passion, as relationships outside of marriage can sometimes magnify only the fulfilling aspects while masking potential challenges.

Ultimately, this is about what aligns with your deeper sense of self and integrity. Consider what will allow you to look back on this chapter of your life with peace and not regret. Balancing personal happiness with respect for the commitments you’ve made over the years is not easy, but taking the time to reflect deeply will help you arrive at a decision you can stand by. Whatever choice you make, do so with honesty, compassion, and a clear understanding of its implications.