How to make long distance work? My husband works in UAE and we have two kids. I am managing everything here and when we talk, there is no love or romance. Even when he comes home there are so many things lined up, we hardly get time for each other. Is this how couples become after marriage? I feel depressed but there is no one to talk to. My children take up my time but at night I feel lonely and miss him.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand that these conversations can be tricky to nail. First of all, I am sorry you have to go through this challenging phase. And it is valid to want to spend some quality time with your spouse. An open and direct conversation about the issue is the only way to deal with it. Choose the right time and place to address the issue. Don't bring up the topic as soon as he is back from office. He'd be tired and it would make you look like the bad guy even though the reality is far from it. Find a calm and private setting to discuss your feelings. Use "I statement" to express your feelings. For instance, don't say, "You make me feel lonely because of this time issue." Instead frame it like, "I feel so lonely because of the time issue." This way, he won't feel attacked and won't get defensive. Moreover, don't say, "We never spend time together," because this will be challenged with demands for example. Give concrete examples of instances when you felt neglected or missed out on quality time together. This can help him understand the impact his busy schedule is having on your relationship.

Now these are how you address the issue. There's more to it. You also have to acknowledge his perspective. If he says networking is important, it might hold some truth. Show him that you understand his commitments. This will make the conversation more cooperative than confrontational. Instead of merely complaining, come up with solutions and present them to him. This could include setting aside specific days or hours for family time, planning activities together, or finding compromises that work for both of you. Listen to his side of the story too. Let him express himself.

If none of these seem to improve the matter, I recommend seeing a professional for more structured support. Please understand that there's no shame in seeing a marriage counselor. It does not mean your marriage needs fixing or it's a bad marriage or it's falling apart. It simply means you need a little help to figure out certain arenas of marriage. We all do from time to time. Moreover, A neutral third party, who is trained on this specific subject, can provide better guidance and help facilitate productive communication.

Best Wishes!

Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the struggles in your marriage. The stress of your husband's military career, long periods of separation, and raising a child during the pandemic have taken a toll on your relationship. Your husband's impatience and frustration might be his way of dealing with stress, which affects your intimacy and communication.

Try to approach conversations with empathy and express your feelings calmly, focusing on how you feel rather than what he's doing wrong. Small gestures of affection and quality time can help rebuild your connection. Couples therapy could also be beneficial, providing a safe space to work through issues together.

Take care of your own well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy and maintaining support from friends and family. This self-care will give you the strength to address the challenges in your relationship.

Your feelings are valid, and seeking help shows your commitment to your marriage. With patience and professional support, there's hope for rekindling the intimacy and closeness you desire.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
This isn't new to those couples who have just had a baby. Life changes a LOT once the baby arrives; everything starts to become about the baby. Your life revolves around the child and even routines start to sync with the baby.
The couple's primary role becomes one of mother and father and somewhere the role of wife and husband dulls away and before you know it can vanish causing small and big rifts within the marriage.
The key is to remember your roles as wife and husband and that in itself will keep the spark alive. Just because you have had the baby, does not mean you forget what it is to be with your husband/wife.

Firstly, try and see if you can get some help during the day so that household chores are taken care of and you have some time for yourself. Pamper yourself with whatever you want to; a cup of tea, reading a book, calling your friends over...if any female relative can actually baby-sit over the weekend for a few hours, then you and your husband can plan a small thing together. Now, it maybe difficult to choose the time as the baby is just 4 months old, but make do with whatever time that you have. Slowly, you will learn how to navigate things with the baby...it's a learning ground and nobody has prepared you for it BUT it gets better with time only because you get smarter at understanding how to utilize time better and make the most of it.
And whatever time that you spend, bring back the courtship days, your dating moments back and oh yes, choose your best dress/outfit...it makes a lot of difference to the mind and the way you see yourself. Be patient...it gets better...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Obviously the initial spark dulls as the years go by; the key to keeping the spark alive is to do something different.

- Have someone like a relative or a close friend watch the baby as the two of you go on a date night
- Plan the weekend for a hobby together other than just household chores
- Steal a few cuddles and a little bit of intimacy off the bedroom

Marriage can get boring but that's because the laziness sets in due to the other person being so familiar. What if you put yourself back into the dating scene/ courtship days? Would you not go that extra mile to look good, to laugh more? Just do that...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
As the marriage ages, boredom creeps in and feelings also sit on the back burner giving way to monotonous interactions.
Spice up your marriage, go on date nights, join a sport, gym, hobby event together... basically, the idea is to do something fun and light together so that you start from the basics...
There's no need to check on marriage with friends who only throw back more complaints about their marriage to you; they are not helping anyway.
Do something different, maybe then you can be the one to suggest that they can spice up their marriages as well :)

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/