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Married for 5 years with a 4-month-old baby, but spark is missing. What do I do?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 02, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 30, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I am married from last 5 yrs and have baby of 4 months old. My husband is very nice, takes good care of us, helps me in household chores. But I feel the spark of our relationship missing. I don't feel connection after the birth of baby. This is not from his side..but I don't know what is lacking, why I am feeling this way. I haven't discussed this with him as I feel he will get hurt. We do talk daily about baby and his work, whenever he tried to talk about me, I subconsciously switch topic. I feel frustrated with myself.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
This isn't new to those couples who have just had a baby. Life changes a LOT once the baby arrives; everything starts to become about the baby. Your life revolves around the child and even routines start to sync with the baby.
The couple's primary role becomes one of mother and father and somewhere the role of wife and husband dulls away and before you know it can vanish causing small and big rifts within the marriage.
The key is to remember your roles as wife and husband and that in itself will keep the spark alive. Just because you have had the baby, does not mean you forget what it is to be with your husband/wife.

Firstly, try and see if you can get some help during the day so that household chores are taken care of and you have some time for yourself. Pamper yourself with whatever you want to; a cup of tea, reading a book, calling your friends over...if any female relative can actually baby-sit over the weekend for a few hours, then you and your husband can plan a small thing together. Now, it maybe difficult to choose the time as the baby is just 4 months old, but make do with whatever time that you have. Slowly, you will learn how to navigate things with the baby...it's a learning ground and nobody has prepared you for it BUT it gets better with time only because you get smarter at understanding how to utilize time better and make the most of it.
And whatever time that you spend, bring back the courtship days, your dating moments back and oh yes, choose your best dress/outfit...it makes a lot of difference to the mind and the way you see yourself. Be patient...it gets better...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |438 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, iam 30 yrs old and have been married for 7 years. My husband is 34 years old, I have a 4 year old daughter. My husband is an army man. My daughter was born during covid so for almost 1 year me and my husband were in long distance. After that my husband took both of us along with him. We used to be happy together but at times whenever I used to show little irritation or talk about something he used to get impatient and frustrated. Even our intimate moments got reduced. I tried to talk even about it but his male ego never accepted my confrontation. Now again we had to stay away due to his work-life. I too started working. I felt maybe because of work stress he was like that. And when I'll also start working I'll understand his problem. But though my work is stressful and I try to take out time to talk to him romantically. But he feels so distant. Whenever I try to ask him, he gives me reason of work, weather, what not. I know he cannot cheat on me as he calls just me whenever he gets time. I'm not concerned that he doesn't love me but what's wrong with out intimate moments. Why is not interested. Atleast he can talk to me about his issue instead of just shouting or blaming me for being too desperate. I feel so hurt and distant. In angry moments i get this thought of going away from him.. finding solace in someone. But i just try to wane that thought away. Please help me..
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the struggles in your marriage. The stress of your husband's military career, long periods of separation, and raising a child during the pandemic have taken a toll on your relationship. Your husband's impatience and frustration might be his way of dealing with stress, which affects your intimacy and communication.

Try to approach conversations with empathy and express your feelings calmly, focusing on how you feel rather than what he's doing wrong. Small gestures of affection and quality time can help rebuild your connection. Couples therapy could also be beneficial, providing a safe space to work through issues together.

Take care of your own well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy and maintaining support from friends and family. This self-care will give you the strength to address the challenges in your relationship.

Your feelings are valid, and seeking help shows your commitment to your marriage. With patience and professional support, there's hope for rekindling the intimacy and closeness you desire.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
My husband stopped being intimate with me after the birth of our second son. We have been married for 11 years but all we ever talk about is related to our children, their academics, and future. I have tried to speak to my husband about this but he feels everything is normal. We live in a 2BHK apartment in Pune. My mother-in-law visits us sometimes and she doesn't like me. But I am cordial with her. My husband never discusses his work or personal stuff with me. There is no love or intimacy between us. He takes care of all other needs of the house and my children. Is this normal? Am I worrying too much? Please help
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You are right when you worry about the way things are between you and your husband. Obviously sexual intimacy is one of the pillars for a strong marriage (and not the only pillar). And you have noticed that this intimacy has stopped after the birth of your second child.
Now, one way of looking at it is that many couples get drained in responsibilities of raising babies and building the family and this means sex can be off the table for a long long time. Is this the same with the two of you as well?
OR
It can also be that many people use sex simply as means to have children (reproduce) and not as an activity to be indulged in other than for bringing children into the world. Is your husband one of those people?
OR
When you say there is no love and intimacy between the two of you, surely this could be another reason as both of you have not bothered to take out time for yourselves where you brought in the element of trust, care, affection, love...this is the basis for other forms of intimacy as well.
Work on this better...try and become each other's friend first...he need not just assume the role of a provider and take it on so seriously that he forgets that there is a wife that needs his care. At the same time, do not insist on sex till you also make an effort to bring him into a space where he sees you as his friend and starts to trust you...

What happens in the bedroom, starts first outside the bedroom with small gestures like laughing, watching movies together, cooking, holding hands...don't jump into sex instantly...wait...be patient...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1394 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 06, 2024
Relationship
Hi Anu, i am 34 year old woman married to a 41 year old man. We are married for past 10 years. We had no sexual relationship for first 5 years, after lot of pestering and fights and realisation that there must a physical problem at my husband’s end i convinced him to visit an expert in this domain. Turns out he had low testosterone level. He took the necessary medication and i really tried for 1 year to make it work. It worked to a certain extent but it was more like a chore than something we really want to do. Then we decided that we should go for a baby as well while we are at it. Now my daughter is 2.5. Things never got better. We don’t talk about our lack of any intimacy physical or mental. We are living like roommates. He is the best husband a person can ask for on paper. My parents love him. He is the nicest guy. But in reality we never had any connection and no comparability. And whatever attraction and love i had for him in the beginning is lost completely. I have no idea what goes on his mind. He is a closed book i could never open. He accepts the problem but blames me too if i force him to open up. I am in such a bad place mentally. I keep thinking about the one life i got, i wasted it. Why did i get married so soon? I like someone in office who i have no future with because he is in some other country. I do not know what to do and how to live my life. I get thoughts that life should not be so long.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
A case where the person shuts down because he carries the guilt of what is happening to him and what he is facing...not a very useful way of dealing with the situation but when society has drummed it into us that a 'man' is defined by his masculine traits and behaviors, can you blame him for it?
He is possibly embarrassed and this could be a reason for him 'closing down' within the marriage. He needs to be slowly cajoled out of what he is feeling...What the two of you could do is: start the marriage as though it is Day One...
Now, how would the two of you connect? How would things be different?
It is an attempt to reconnect with no past baggage which helps in focusing on each other in the present day. That helps in making good solid commitments to one another but of course, there has to be a lot of communication in this process. Do take the help of a professional if this feels too much to go through by yourselves.
And as for the colleague; hmmmm grass on the other side will always seem greener!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |438 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 13, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
My partner and I have been married for 5 years. Lately, I’ve been feeling lonely in my marriage. My partner and I barely talk, and it feels like we’re just coexisting. How can I bring back the emotional connection and intimacy without making it seem like I’m blaming them for the distance?
Ans: Start by creating opportunities for meaningful interaction. Sometimes the daily routines and responsibilities can create emotional walls, so finding a calm and positive environment for conversation is key. You might begin by sharing your feelings in a way that emphasizes your own experience rather than pointing out what your partner might not be doing. For example, saying something like, "I've been feeling a little disconnected lately, and I miss the closeness we used to share," opens the door for dialogue without sounding accusatory.

Rekindling intimacy often starts with small, intentional efforts to reestablish connection. This might mean setting aside time for each other, even if it’s just a few minutes of uninterrupted conversation at the end of the day. Look for moments to express appreciation for your partner, as this can help rebuild emotional warmth and remind them of the value they bring to your life.

It’s also worth reflecting on whether external stresses might be contributing to the distance. If either of you has been overwhelmed by work, family, or personal challenges, addressing those together can foster a sense of partnership and mutual support. Similarly, revisiting shared memories or engaging in activities you used to enjoy together can help reignite the bond you once had.

Lastly, be patient and consistent. Emotional intimacy doesn’t always come back instantly, but with genuine effort, kindness, and an open heart, you can rebuild the connection over time. Consider it a journey you’re embarking on together, rather than something you need to fix alone. If you feel like external guidance might help, discussing this with a couples therapist could provide both of you with tools to strengthen your relationship in a supportive environment.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7262 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 14, 2024Hindi
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Money
URGENT: I have taken huge loan of 15 Lac ( it started with Rs 10000 initially)but I don't have a job. I am adjusting and paying the interest and i am going on taking loans.. Don't know where it will end. Please help me? Now that I have more money than working in any company, People are giving more and more loan thinking I am well off. Sometimes I feel the only solution is Suicide!
Ans: I’m truly sorry to hear about the immense stress you're facing. It’s essential to know that this situation, though overwhelming, can be resolved with the right steps. Your life is precious, and there are people and strategies to help you regain control over your finances and emotional well-being.

Here’s a step-by-step approach to help you:

1. Immediate Steps to Address Emotional Distress
Reach Out to Trusted People: Speak to a close friend, family member, or counselor about how you’re feeling. Sharing your worries can help lighten the burden.

Professional Support: Consider consulting a psychologist or counselor to address feelings of despair. They can guide you in coping and finding hope.

Suicide Helplines: Helplines like AASRA are available 24/7 in India. They provide non-judgmental support and advice.

2. Stop Taking Additional Loans
Taking more loans will only worsen the debt cycle. Communicate with your lenders honestly and explain your current situation.

Avoid making further financial commitments until a proper repayment plan is in place.

3. Evaluate and Consolidate Existing Loans
Make a List of All Loans: Note down the principal, interest rates, and EMI for each loan.

Debt Consolidation: If possible, consolidate your loans into one with a lower interest rate. This will simplify repayments and reduce the interest burden.

Negotiate with Lenders: Speak to your lenders about restructuring your loans. Many financial institutions are willing to renegotiate terms if they see genuine repayment intent.

4. Cut Down on Unnecessary Expenses
Focus only on essential expenses like food, utilities, and basic needs.

Avoid luxury spending or non-essential purchases until you regain financial stability.

5. Seek Employment or Alternate Income
Explore freelance, part-time, or full-time opportunities that align with your skills.

Start small businesses or use your talents to generate income, even if it's modest initially.

6. Engage with a Certified Financial Planner
A Certified Financial Planner can help create a practical repayment plan and optimise your resources. They can also guide you on managing money better in the future.
7. Prioritise Loan Repayment
Begin repaying high-interest loans first to reduce the overall burden.

Use any additional income to make systematic repayments.

8. Build a Support System
Inform your close family or friends about your financial situation. Their understanding and support can help you through this tough time.

Avoid isolation. Regular interactions with loved ones can provide emotional strength.

Final Thoughts
This phase is challenging, but it’s not permanent. Every problem has a solution, and with the right support and plan, you can overcome this.

Your life and well-being are far more valuable than any financial stress. You are not alone, and help is available. Let’s take this one step at a time, and I assure you, there’s a brighter path ahead.

If you’d like, I can assist you further in creating a repayment strategy or exploring additional income options. Please let me know how I can help.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7262 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 14, 2024Hindi
Money
Dear Mr. Ramalingam, I have been reading your column regularly and feel you are giving great advice. Would like your advice and help in seeing what would be my income going forward per month and will that be adequate and how to supplement it. I am aged 62 in kerala. My wife is 58 not working and unmarried daughter, independently earning, who we hope will get married this year. Savings: 1.2 cr in Fd’s in banks and Post office 66 lakhs in PPF (I have been extending it by 5 years each time) 14 lakhs in NPS 1 lakhs in EPF last employment was in Jun 2024 44 lakhs in shares (portfolio bought many years back based on friends recommendation but only few stocks are doing ok rest is just sitting there) 90 lakhs in Mutual funds with several mutual funds (all in growth plans) 86 lakhs at cost price for A flat where I am staying and empty plot (both fully paid for) Income currently is from: LIC Jeevan Suraksha Plan, receiving Rs. 7,021 per month till death LIC Pradhan Mantri Vaya Vandana Yojana -annual receipt of - Rs. 77,979 (till mar 2032) when I get lumpsum back of app Rs. 10 lakhs New Jeevan Shanti Plan – fully paid up but receipts to commence from Mar 2027 monthly Rs. 36,450.00/- till death of self and wife Interest income from few of the FD or break fd principal when required. Little income from dividends Expense: Tata ULIP 20 yr plan premium of 1 lakhs till last payment in 2026 (2 payments left), mature in 2027, current value is 57 lakhs. TATA AIA Fortune Guarantee Pension – annual payment of Rs. 3,06,000/ till last payment in 2026 (2 payments left). 1,07,000 per year from Apr 2028 for life of both of us and return of premium at end of both lives. Aditya Birla Guaranteed Milestone Plan –Paid Rs. 1,02,500 for 5 year last payment this year. Will receive Rs.8,94,000/ in Dec 2031 has life cover of Rs. 15 lakhs (Worst plan I was conned into taking) Family Health insurance of 8 lakhs cover plus a super top up floater of 5 lakhs, covering all 3 of us approximately 45,000 for both policies 12 year old car with 4,000 insurance policy Other expenses approximately 30,000 per month for food etc. Should I change any of my investment etc to get a better income to meet future needs Thanks
Ans: You have diligently built a robust and diversified portfolio. It includes fixed deposits, mutual funds, real estate, and insurance plans. You also have various annuity and pension products. Your current financial situation showcases foresight and discipline.

However, to ensure your monthly income meets your needs and grows with inflation, some restructuring is necessary. Let’s evaluate your assets and income streams in detail and suggest ways to optimise them.

Existing Income Sources and Expenses

Current Income

LIC Jeevan Suraksha Plan: Rs. 7,021 per month (lifetime income).

LIC Pradhan Mantri Vaya Vandana Yojana (PMVVY): Annual income of Rs. 77,979 till 2032.

New Jeevan Shanti Plan: Monthly income of Rs. 36,450 from 2027 (lifetime for self and wife).

Interest Income: From fixed deposits and dividends from shares.

Current Expenses

Household expenses: Rs. 30,000 per month.

Insurance premiums: Rs. 3,51,000 annually until 2026.

Health insurance: Rs. 45,000 per year.

Asset Analysis

Fixed Deposits

Current Value: Rs. 1.2 crore.

Analysis: While secure, FD returns are low and may not keep pace with inflation. Only retain a portion for emergencies.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)

Current Value: Rs. 66 lakh.

Analysis: PPF offers tax-free and risk-free returns. Continue extending it as a safe long-term investment.

National Pension Scheme (NPS)

Current Value: Rs. 14 lakh.

Analysis: NPS has market exposure, offering potential growth. Partial withdrawal for reinvestment can be considered post-retirement.

Employee Provident Fund (EPF)

Current Value: Rs. 1 lakh.

Analysis: Withdraw and reinvest for higher returns.

Shares Portfolio

Current Value: Rs. 44 lakh.

Analysis: A few stocks are performing, while others are stagnant. Retain fundamentally strong stocks. Sell non-performing ones and reinvest proceeds.

Mutual Funds

Current Value: Rs. 90 lakh.

Analysis: Growth plans are suitable for long-term wealth creation. However, evaluate and streamline the portfolio with the help of a Certified Financial Planner.

Real Estate

Flat: Rs. 86 lakh (self-occupied).

Plot: Value not mentioned.

Analysis: These assets provide stability but do not generate regular income. Retain them as non-liquid investments.

Insurance Plans

TATA ULIP: Current value of Rs. 57 lakh, matures in 2027.

Recommendation: Surrender post-2026 and reinvest in mutual funds for better returns.

TATA AIA Fortune Guarantee Pension: Annual payout of Rs. 1,07,000 from 2028.

Recommendation: Retain as a fixed income source.

Aditya Birla Guaranteed Milestone Plan: Payout of Rs. 8.94 lakh in 2031.

Recommendation: Retain until maturity. Avoid similar plans in future.

Recommendations to Enhance Income

1. Restructure Fixed Deposits

Retain Rs. 30 lakh as emergency funds in liquid FDs.

Reallocate Rs. 90 lakh into debt mutual funds for better post-tax returns. Choose funds with low risk and stable performance.

2. Optimise Shares Portfolio

Retain strong-performing stocks. These can provide growth over the long term.

Liquidate underperforming stocks and reinvest proceeds into equity mutual funds. Select funds aligned with your risk tolerance.

3. Streamline Mutual Funds Portfolio

Review your existing funds to avoid duplication and underperformance.

Retain well-performing funds and shift others to actively managed diversified funds.

Opt for regular funds through a Certified Financial Planner for professional advice and monitoring.

4. PPF and NPS

Continue extending PPF for tax-free returns.

Do not withdraw from NPS until it’s mandated. Allocate the lumpsum received wisely at maturity.

5. Insurance Plan Adjustments

Allow the TATA ULIP to mature and surrender it in 2027.

Retain the TATA AIA and Aditya Birla plans until maturity as fixed income sources.

Avoid high-premium insurance plans in future.

6. Increase Monthly Income

From 2027 onwards, New Jeevan Shanti and other payouts will provide substantial monthly income.

Until then, use dividends, interest from debt mutual funds, and systematic withdrawals from mutual funds for supplementary income.

7. Plan for Inflation

Maintain a mix of equity and debt investments to beat inflation.

Ensure equity exposure is at least 40% of your portfolio for long-term growth.

8. Health Insurance Adequacy

Current health insurance of Rs. 8 lakh with a Rs. 5 lakh super top-up is reasonable.

Review coverage every 2-3 years and increase if necessary.

Final Insights

Your financial portfolio is solid and well-diversified. With minor adjustments, it can provide inflation-adjusted income. Focus on reallocating underperforming assets and streamlining investments. Regular reviews will ensure your wealth grows while meeting your needs.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Archana

Archana Deshpande  |93 Answers  |Ask -

Image Coach, Soft Skills Trainer - Answered on Dec 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 11, 2024Hindi
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Career
I am 35, MBA from a reputed college. I recently took over as senior project manager in a software company. Over the last few months, I’ve been asked to lead more high-stakes presentations, but every time I step in front of a group of senior professionals, my nerves take over. I can’t seem to communicate my ideas clearly, and I end up rambling or losing the audience. It’s frustrating because I know the content is strong, but I can’t deliver it with the confidence it needs. I’m starting to feel like this could affect my career growth if I don’t improve. I want to know how to seem more confident and present my ideas with clarity.
Ans: Hi!!

I can understand what you are going through.
I have helped many a people to become better communicators, presenters and public speakers. I agree with you when you say .. that these skills will augur well for your career growth.
What I can say is this .. that it is a learnable skill. Practice and more practice is the only way ahead. You said your content is strong, that is 50% of the job done, so build up on this confidence and practice your delivery in front of the mirror or in front of encouraging family/friends.
The only way to gain confidence is to "JUST DO IT"....to calm your nerves- deep breathing techniques and visualizations techniques will be useful.
I can help you on this journey of being a person who delivers with panache!

There are books by Dale Carnegie on public speaking which can help you out. Also read about Abe Lincoln and his journey of becoming a great orator, it can maybe help you.

Remember, PRACTICE AND PRACTICE is the key to unlock your confidence and become the person who delvers with panache.

All the best!!

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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