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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |594 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 10, 2024

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Asked by Anonymous - Jan 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

My husband loves his office more than me. He works long hours and spends his weekends organising trips and lunch dates with colleagues. He is always away from home. Whenever I ask him, he says networking is important to him and this is what keeps him happy. Since he is always away from home, I feel very lonely at home. We hardly get any time together. Is it wrong to expect your partner to spend time with his wife and family? Whenever we have this conversation at home, it leads to arguments. How can I address this correctly?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand that these conversations can be tricky to nail. First of all, I am sorry you have to go through this challenging phase. And it is valid to want to spend some quality time with your spouse. An open and direct conversation about the issue is the only way to deal with it. Choose the right time and place to address the issue. Don't bring up the topic as soon as he is back from office. He'd be tired and it would make you look like the bad guy even though the reality is far from it. Find a calm and private setting to discuss your feelings. Use "I statement" to express your feelings. For instance, don't say, "You make me feel lonely because of this time issue." Instead frame it like, "I feel so lonely because of the time issue." This way, he won't feel attacked and won't get defensive. Moreover, don't say, "We never spend time together," because this will be challenged with demands for example. Give concrete examples of instances when you felt neglected or missed out on quality time together. This can help him understand the impact his busy schedule is having on your relationship.

Now these are how you address the issue. There's more to it. You also have to acknowledge his perspective. If he says networking is important, it might hold some truth. Show him that you understand his commitments. This will make the conversation more cooperative than confrontational. Instead of merely complaining, come up with solutions and present them to him. This could include setting aside specific days or hours for family time, planning activities together, or finding compromises that work for both of you. Listen to his side of the story too. Let him express himself.

If none of these seem to improve the matter, I recommend seeing a professional for more structured support. Please understand that there's no shame in seeing a marriage counselor. It does not mean your marriage needs fixing or it's a bad marriage or it's falling apart. It simply means you need a little help to figure out certain arenas of marriage. We all do from time to time. Moreover, A neutral third party, who is trained on this specific subject, can provide better guidance and help facilitate productive communication.

Best Wishes!

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 20, 2024Hindi
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Hello, iam 30 yrs old and have been married for 7 years. My husband is 34 years old, I have a 4 year old daughter. My husband is an army man. My daughter was born during covid so for almost 1 year me and my husband were in long distance. After that my husband took both of us along with him. We used to be happy together but at times whenever I used to show little irritation or talk about something he used to get impatient and frustrated. Even our intimate moments got reduced. I tried to talk even about it but his male ego never accepted my confrontation. Now again we had to stay away due to his work-life. I too started working. I felt maybe because of work stress he was like that. And when I'll also start working I'll understand his problem. But though my work is stressful and I try to take out time to talk to him romantically. But he feels so distant. Whenever I try to ask him, he gives me reason of work, weather, what not. I know he cannot cheat on me as he calls just me whenever he gets time. I'm not concerned that he doesn't love me but what's wrong with out intimate moments. Why is not interested. Atleast he can talk to me about his issue instead of just shouting or blaming me for being too desperate. I feel so hurt and distant. In angry moments i get this thought of going away from him.. finding solace in someone. But i just try to wane that thought away. Please help me..
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the struggles in your marriage. The stress of your husband's military career, long periods of separation, and raising a child during the pandemic have taken a toll on your relationship. Your husband's impatience and frustration might be his way of dealing with stress, which affects your intimacy and communication.

Try to approach conversations with empathy and express your feelings calmly, focusing on how you feel rather than what he's doing wrong. Small gestures of affection and quality time can help rebuild your connection. Couples therapy could also be beneficial, providing a safe space to work through issues together.

Take care of your own well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy and maintaining support from friends and family. This self-care will give you the strength to address the challenges in your relationship.

Your feelings are valid, and seeking help shows your commitment to your marriage. With patience and professional support, there's hope for rekindling the intimacy and closeness you desire.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1612 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 12, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu, I'm married since 5 years now and having loving In-Laws who are financially very well to do. My husband and I earn very less as compared to my in-laws, with whom we stay. My husband is 37 years old and earns 47000 INR a month, out of which he saves 35000 INR (in-laws have told him not to spend on house expense, but instead save). The rest 12000 INR he has for himself. I am also working and all my earning is with me. The problem is that he usually ends up spending almost all of the 12K. This angers me as I feel he should focus on saving as much as possible from that. We have an understanding among us that the expense for enjoyment will be borne by me as his major chunk is being saved for "Our" future. Am I wrong to be upset with his spending?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Are you wrong to be upset?
NO and YES...
NO; as you feel wronged that you are the one spending on enjoyment, so where does he spend 12K?
YES; as you have not conveyed it to him or the two of you have not spoken about it earlier. Have you discussed that he must save the 12K?
So, the key to any solid marriage is COMMUNICATION...Communicating your needs, wants, desires, values and aligning them to make the marriage work looking at the larger picture.

Simply have a frank conversation. For all you know, he may just understand where you are coming from; BUT if he wants to spend SOME OF his hard earned money on himself his way, kindly let it be. It's the pride of a man to be able to earn and spend without asking for anyone's permission. Do respect that...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1612 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
My husband stopped being intimate with me after the birth of our second son. We have been married for 11 years but all we ever talk about is related to our children, their academics, and future. I have tried to speak to my husband about this but he feels everything is normal. We live in a 2BHK apartment in Pune. My mother-in-law visits us sometimes and she doesn't like me. But I am cordial with her. My husband never discusses his work or personal stuff with me. There is no love or intimacy between us. He takes care of all other needs of the house and my children. Is this normal? Am I worrying too much? Please help
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You are right when you worry about the way things are between you and your husband. Obviously sexual intimacy is one of the pillars for a strong marriage (and not the only pillar). And you have noticed that this intimacy has stopped after the birth of your second child.
Now, one way of looking at it is that many couples get drained in responsibilities of raising babies and building the family and this means sex can be off the table for a long long time. Is this the same with the two of you as well?
OR
It can also be that many people use sex simply as means to have children (reproduce) and not as an activity to be indulged in other than for bringing children into the world. Is your husband one of those people?
OR
When you say there is no love and intimacy between the two of you, surely this could be another reason as both of you have not bothered to take out time for yourselves where you brought in the element of trust, care, affection, love...this is the basis for other forms of intimacy as well.
Work on this better...try and become each other's friend first...he need not just assume the role of a provider and take it on so seriously that he forgets that there is a wife that needs his care. At the same time, do not insist on sex till you also make an effort to bring him into a space where he sees you as his friend and starts to trust you...

What happens in the bedroom, starts first outside the bedroom with small gestures like laughing, watching movies together, cooking, holding hands...don't jump into sex instantly...wait...be patient...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1612 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 14, 2024Hindi
Relationship
I'm 40 years old and my husband is 50 years old. We have been married for 12 years now. We have a son who is 8 years old. My husband has always been a workaholic, which I have known from the beginning and have accepted it. He is a doting father to my son. But for the past year, he seems to have changed a lot. He still continues to be a doting father, his behaviour with me has changed a lot. We hardly talk, except regarding matters related to our son. I have confronted him on this and he says he is very busy with work. He says nothing is bothering him. But it feels like that is not true. It feels like he is angry with me but denies it. I feel ignored and like he is avoiding me. How do I resolve this?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Well, firstly, you were okay with something that you were not okay to start with (him focusing on work mostly) and that has set a stage for your relationship that you are and will be okay with it and he will continue to be that way without addressing his role as a husband.
Now, what is the reason for the change in his behavior, you can just keep guessing by playing games in your mind. The only way to resolve this is: to actually learn how to communicate with each other as adults, as husband and wife. The two of you have never bothered with it, yeah? Then now bother yourself by learning this new skill. Talk, communicate, listen and then take on the role of a wife in the marriage. Do the things that you would have wanted to, small expectations, those little arguments...even these can be communication letting the man know that as a wife you care and you do want your man to fulfill little things for you.
He then will start to feel useful in the marriage which is a big thing for men and once he feels that is being valued, he will tear down his wall and show up as a man and as a husband and not just a father.
So, a lot of work from your end as well for him to reciprocate and then it's a constant momentum from thereon...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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