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Should I be worried about her past? Connecting with a woman despite my insecurities - Advice Needed

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |587 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship

How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.

Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 23, 2022

Relationship
Hi Anu,Myself Praveen. I appreciate your writings on Rediff. First of all thanks for that.I would like to ask guidance or your thoughts on establishing a relationship with my lady friend. I met her 4 years back in my old office and we got in company soon and started talking and somewhat share most of the personal s***s too. I started having feelings for her. I mean I wish to have a marital relationship with her because I am very comfortable with her. But I was unable to make any move or feared of losing her company if I tell her my love.That time I never knew her age. Later I moved from that job to pursue some personal goals so I moved to some other place without the knowledge of my own family. The only person who knew about it was her. She stood with me and emotionally supported me and was knowing that it was my strong wish of having that dream/goal. We were in touch as nice friends. Her phone calls were happy moments for me because I was alone at my new place where I'd gone to pursue my dream. Someday she called me and during call she was upset. That day she shared some of her personal things and during the conversation I realised that she is 8 years older than me and she is at her mid 30s. Firstly, it was like a shock for me. I wondered why a beautiful girl like she not got into a marriage or any other serious relationship still that age. Okay, that doesn't matter me. However, knowing about most of the complexity in this partnership including support from both family or cliche society thoughts; I decided to have her as my life partner. But still I am not able to make a move like that. Somehow, I had to come back to my homeplace and sorry to say that I failed to pursue my goal which was bit depressing. Still I couldn't make a move to talk her about this. I am getting an odd feeling that she treats me as a brother or a nice friend only. I am confused when she calls me bro. Some days ago she told me that I am her good brother. Frankly I don't like her calling me bro. I still love her and I always see her as my life partner.The thing is I fear that I may lose her company if I express my love for her. Also I fear that she may emotionally get low if she really considering me as her brother. I don't want to give her any pain, but meanwhile I couldn't miss her in my life. Nowadays, we rarely talk on phone or meet because some of her professional engagements. That is not a problem for me. I respect her as well as her personal space. Only thing I want is to communicate her about my mind and having a relationship with her. I know she might also be concerned about our age gap as well as what society may say, but I don't care such rubbish. I strongly believe that I can be a great partner. Share your thoughts on making an approach without giving her any emotional pain or trauma.
Ans:

Dear PB,

Thank you for your kind words on my writings and columns. Highly appreciate it.

I cannot assure you of the fact of her not having any emotional reactions. Her reactions are not something that you can control.

The easiest way to resolve this confusion that you are going through is to simply express it. It’s similar to how children are.

Have you seen them say things without a filter and unfazed by how the other person will react?

Then along came the adults and asked them to keep quiet and then the child in us grew up to become a recluse and ignore our own feelings.

I agree there is an etiquette and social norms to be followed as adults but to not be able to express our feelings is nothing but conditioning from our childhood.

And what did it teach us? It taught us to avoid the rejection and ensuing disappointment.

That’s exactly what you are running away from; all the rejection that may happen and the disappointment from that.

But what use is that love if you can’t express it for fear of rejection. If you feel so strongly about it, approach it boldly and very gently.

Yes, it may shock her and it’s possible she has no feelings or sees you as a brother, but at least you know where the connection stands.

Now whether she is going to be hurt or not is a question of how emotionally mature she is.

So, before you start the conversation, do request her to hear you fully and not judge you for your honesty. This may ease her shock and help her respond rather than react to you.

On your part, keep your expectations to a low and smile through the situation. It helps lighten the load that you might be carrying.

All the best!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |590 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that it is important for you to need to know her past and you mentioned that you merely want to know, and would not judge. But judging is exactly what you are doing. A lot of people have exes, a lot of people have occasional drinks- we can't judge people based on their past. She has opened up to you and all you are doing is snooping around. To be honest, it seems like you are really more concerned about her ex and past than about how amazing a person she is. I have only one piece of advice, if you think you can't get past her past, let her go. No one deserves to be judged by their past.

And think of it this way- you asked, and she told you. She was not obliged to, but still understanding your 'need' to know 'everything,' she confided in you. And this is how you are paying her back. Moreover, so what if she had an ex, or dated casually? How does that affect you right now? Ask yourself the same question and I think you will know the answer to your own dilemma.

Having said it all, marriage is a big decision. If you think her past can hamper your future, please rethink this relationship. It is best for both of you.

Best Wishes

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |590 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Feb 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I (30M) have been in the process of Arranged Marriage, screening prospective matches. Out of all the Women I'd met, there's this one Woman (28F) with whom I'm able to get along quite well. She's quite good in almost all aspects such as Appearance, Personality, Education, Career, Social & Emotional Intelligence etc. and our Interests & aspirations for Future, also align to a great extent. It seems Feasible that we build a Life together. Even she seems to be interested in me. But there's one major problem. She doesn't seem to be Trusting me well enough to open up to me, completely. We've interacting with each other since a Few Months, over Social Media, WhatsApp Messages, Phone Calls & even met each other personally on several Dates & spent good time together, understanding each other. We've discussed almost all the important aspects required for leading a Fruitful Married Life, such as, Finances, Family Affairs, Children, Future Plans in terms of Career & Personal Life, Our Travelling Bucket Lists etc & we seem to be quite compatible on almost all these aspects. But there's one aspect that she's not willing to Share with me openly. That's about her Past Relationship(s) & Sexual History. I had brought up this topic for the first time on a Date, when we'd spent over a Month in Courtship & were meeting each other in person for the 5th time. I started off by telling her that I had not been involved in any Romantic Relationship(s) either Serious or Casual, during my College Years or in my Early to Mid 20's as I had been going through a lot struggles, during that Age and I had started meeting up with Ladies only since the past 2-3 Years, after I was settled well in a stable Career & got Serious about Marriage. And obviously, I am a Virgin. When I asked her to share about her Past, she excused herself & left, abruptly ending our Date. I understood that she might not be feeling comfortable with opening up at this stage. I profusely apologized if I'd crossed my Limits, unknowingly & asked her to meet up for another Date, after a week, wherein I Reassured her that whatever is discussed between the both of us regarding sensitive personal matters, shall only remain between the both of us & need not be shared with anyone else (including Parents). She agreed with me but still didn't open up about her Past. I waited Patiently giving her few more weeks' time to open up as per her Convenience, but she never did. Whenever I brought up this sensitive topic again, she'd either change the Topic or make some Excuse to Leave, ending our interaction abruptly. I still maintained Patience & kept Reassuring her gently, that I want to know about her Past, not to Judge her, but only to understand her better. Still she seemed reluctant to open up about her Past, but is actively conversing on any other Topic. The last time we'd met personally was on a Dinner Date, a week ago. When I gently raised the Topic again, she seemed to get somewhat irritated & asked me "How does my Past, really matter to you?" I Replied that it is very much important for me to know everything about her Past, to be able to Trust her completely & take the Relationship ahead and once again I reminded her of both my Promises that I would listen to her with empathy & understanding without Judgement and that I would maintain utmost Secrecy with Respect to her Sensitive Personal Matters. Still she seemed avoidant about the Uncomfortable Conversation & tried to Gaslight me as if I'm Disrespecting her Personal Boundaries. Our Date ended on an unpleasant note & since then our Interaction over WhatsApp has been just minimal. I don't understand what's the matter with her, she never Shied away from discussing any other Important topic & communicated her views, quite effectively, giving me the Impression that she's a Matured Person, but I don't understand why she's so reluctant to open up on this Important topic, in spite of repeated Reassurances from my side. Please advise me, how do I proceed with this Sensitive issue? I am very much into her & wouldn't want to throw away such a Wonderful prospect as we seem to be getting along, quite well, with each other. At the same time, I feel the need to know everything about her Past Relationship(s) including her Sexual History, so that I can be sure about certain things, which greatly matter to me. My Gut Instinct refuses to Trust & Accept her completely, without this missing piece of Jigsaw Puzzle. I'm in great Dilemma now, any Qualitative Advice from Experienced People would be greatly appreciated.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand your concerns but it might be nice if you understand her concerns as well. While most people promise to neither judge nor share sensitive details, they rarely keep their promise, especially when the experiences are coming from a woman. Her reluctance about sharing her past with you might be stemming from the same.
To be honest, the past should not matter as much as the present but since it is important to you, I would recommend you open up about it directly to her, expressing how her not opening up is stopping you from trusting her completely. If she still does not want to talk about it, I don't see any scenario where it would be the right choice to push her about it again. You have only met her and things are yet to be official. In that case, you should rethink this alliance. Secrecy might be important to her as much as knowing every detail is important to you. Neither is wrong here. Do not rush into any conclusion and speak to her first. Meet up exclusively for this discussion and see where things go from there.
Hope this helps

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8491 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 22, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 18, 2025
Money
I am 39 years old with monthly in-hand salary of 1.55 lacs. I have 20 lacs in PPF 17 lacs in 4 mutual funds investing 33 thousand per month. 12 lacs in EPF. 6 lacs in ssy on name of my daughter she is 8 years now. 3 lacs in NPS. My wife is govt teacher earning 90 thousand per month. she has 20 lacs in in NPS, 20 in PPF. We have purchased a builder floor in Delhi in ~2021 for 45 lacs. in 2024 we purchased an office space in Delhi for 86 lacs in year 2024. I am getting 13 thousand as rent from builder floor and 30000 as rent from office space. I want to sell builder floor and purchase a home to move in it cost me around 1.4 CR for this i might have to take a gome loan of 80 lacs i am worried to rake this bug loan. looking at my financial bg what is your opinion and do you suggest me to take this home loan.
Ans: You have done well in building strong financial pillars. This kind of diversified base offers solid long-term stability.

Now let us evaluate your current situation and future decision about the home purchase and possible home loan from a complete 360-degree angle.

Current Financial Snapshot

You earn Rs. 1.55 lakhs every month in-hand.

Your wife earns Rs. 90,000 every month as a government teacher.

You have Rs. 17 lakhs in mutual funds with Rs. 33,000 SIP monthly.

Rs. 20 lakhs in PPF under your name.

Rs. 12 lakhs in EPF corpus.

Rs. 6 lakhs in Sukanya Samriddhi for your 8-year-old daughter.

Rs. 3 lakhs in NPS.

Wife has Rs. 20 lakhs in NPS and Rs. 20 lakhs in PPF.

You earn Rs. 13,000 rent from builder floor.

Rs. 30,000 rent from office space.

Office space was bought for Rs. 86 lakhs in 2024.

Builder floor was bought for Rs. 45 lakhs in 2021.

You are now planning to sell this builder floor.

Planning to buy a house for Rs. 1.4 crore to live in.

You might need Rs. 80 lakh loan for this new house.

Real Estate Exposure Assessment

You already own an office space.

You also own a builder floor.

Real estate already forms a significant part of your portfolio.

Rental yield from both properties is quite low.

Current builder floor gives just Rs. 13,000 rent per month.

Office gives Rs. 30,000, which is acceptable but still below 5% yield.

Please note, capital appreciation in real estate is not assured.

Unlike mutual funds, real estate lacks liquidity and diversification.

Any property resale also involves high transaction cost and time.

Avoid viewing real estate as an investment option going forward.

Loan Burden Analysis

You are considering an Rs. 80 lakh home loan.

Your net family income is Rs. 2.45 lakhs per month.

Current rental income is Rs. 43,000 in total.

A loan of Rs. 80 lakh over 20 years could mean EMI around Rs. 70,000–75,000 monthly.

This will take 30% of your monthly income directly.

That will reduce cash availability for investment, education and emergencies.

EMI pressure can limit future financial flexibility and stress your budget.

You already have good passive income sources and strong savings.

Investment Portfolio Review

Your mutual fund investments of Rs. 17 lakhs are well managed.

Monthly SIP of Rs. 33,000 is a good sign of discipline.

Avoid investing directly in mutual funds without guidance.

Regular funds through MFD with Certified Financial Planner offer better value.

Direct funds can create confusion and poor exit strategy.

A well-guided regular plan keeps emotions and wrong timing out.

Continue mutual fund SIP and increase annually if possible.

Your PPF, EPF and SSY are secure and tax-efficient debt components.

NPS offers long-term benefit, but only for retirement planning.

Avoid depending on NPS for medium term goals.

Family Goal Planning

Your daughter is 8 years old.

You will need funds for her higher education in next 8–10 years.

House EMI for Rs. 80 lakh will reduce your ability to save for her.

Buying a bigger house now may delay wealth creation for future goals.

Stay focused on education, retirement and medical security first.

Options to Reduce Loan Size

Consider using part of your investments to reduce loan size.

Selling builder floor can give you approx. Rs. 45–55 lakhs.

Use that as down payment to reduce loan to Rs. 60–65 lakhs.

Liquidate only what is not long-term goal linked.

Do not touch PPF, EPF or SSY for home down payment.

If required, pause SIP for 12–18 months, but resume early.

Also consider partially using NPS if allowed after 60 years of age.

Emergency Fund and Contingency Review

Do you have 6–9 months of expenses saved as emergency fund?

With EMI of Rs. 70,000, you must have Rs. 3–5 lakhs as cash or liquid funds.

Keep this amount safe for job loss, health emergencies or family needs.

Emergency fund is the most ignored but crucial safety net.

Cash Flow Insight

Monthly in-hand income is Rs. 2.45 lakhs from both of you.

Rent adds another Rs. 43,000.

This makes Rs. 2.88 lakhs income per month.

Monthly SIP is Rs. 33,000.

Proposed EMI will be around Rs. 70,000.

This leaves enough for lifestyle and other expenses.

Still, it is always better to avoid unnecessary big EMI burden.

Suggestions Before Buying Home

Wait for 6–9 months if possible.

Save more for bigger down payment.

Try to bring loan down to Rs. 60 lakhs or less.

Avoid touching investments made for retirement or daughter.

If selling builder floor gives Rs. 50+ lakhs, go ahead with plan.

Compare ready-to-move house vs. under-construction options.

Do not rush just because property prices are rising.

Mental Peace vs. Financial Logic

Owning a house gives mental satisfaction and stability.

But, it should not disturb other goals.

You are already doing very well financially.

Adding Rs. 80 lakh loan may disturb this healthy balance.

Take a house loan only if it fits into your life, not to match society.

You should feel free, not stuck, because of EMI pressure.

Risk Checkpoints

Are you adequately insured for life and health?

Do you have term insurance covering 15–20 times of your salary?

Are you and your family covered under good health insurance?

These are non-negotiable before taking any big home loan.

Tax Angle Awareness

Home loan interest gives tax benefit under section 24.

Principal repaid is allowed under section 80C.

But benefits should not be the only reason to take loan.

Focus on net wealth creation after EMI and opportunity cost.

Final Insights

You are financially disciplined and have built solid base.

Buying a home is a personal decision.

But taking Rs. 80 lakh loan now is not ideal.

Try to reduce loan by higher down payment.

Prioritise daughter’s education, retirement and financial freedom.

Continue mutual funds SIP and avoid real estate-based investing.

Talk to a Certified Financial Planner for customised step-by-step execution plan.

Focus on long-term compounding with stability and peace of mind.

You are on the right track. Just be careful not to over-leverage.

Smart financial choices today will give more peace tomorrow.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8491 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 22, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 18, 2025
Money
Hello I am 36 years old, married blessed with 2 daughters. My wife is also earning, she is taking care of kids education currently. I have an ongoing home loan with current outstanding loan of 70L. My current EMI is close to 63K per month. Remaining Tenure 205 months. My take home in-hand salary is around 1.7L per annum. So apart from EMI, house expenses+ giving money to the family comes to around 50K per month. I have started investing around 45k per month as SIP. My current investments into SIP is around 15L. My aim is to be debt free . Is it good idea to reduce the loan with this SIP investment?
Ans: You are 36 years old, married, and father of two daughters. Your wife is working and currently managing the children’s education. You are repaying a home loan with Rs. 70 lakh outstanding. The EMI is Rs. 63,000 per month, and the tenure left is 205 months. Your monthly in-hand salary is Rs. 1.7 lakh. After EMI and family expenses of Rs. 50,000, you are still investing Rs. 45,000 per month as SIP. Your total SIP corpus is Rs. 15 lakh.

You want to become debt-free. You are wondering if it is a good idea to use your SIP corpus to reduce the loan.

Let us evaluate your situation from all angles.



Income and Expenses Review
You have Rs. 1.7 lakh monthly salary. That is a decent and stable income.



Rs. 63,000 goes as EMI. Rs. 50,000 for household and family support.



This leaves you with Rs. 57,000 per month.



Out of this, you are investing Rs. 45,000 SIP per month.



That means you are managing well and maintaining savings discipline.



Excellent financial behaviour. Most families cannot save this much.



SIP Investment Progress
You already built Rs. 15 lakh through SIPs. That’s a great start.



You are in the habit of regular saving. This is your biggest strength.



SIPs are long-term wealth creators. The key is consistency.



If you stay invested, this corpus will grow significantly over time.



But you are now considering redeeming it to reduce home loan.



Let us understand both sides clearly.



Home Loan Status
Rs. 70 lakh loan outstanding. 205 months remaining. EMI is Rs. 63,000.



This is a long-term liability. But it is a structured one.



You are not struggling with EMI. That is important to note.



Home loans come with tax benefits. Interest and principal both give deductions.



It helps reduce your taxable income.



Reducing this loan sounds good emotionally, but may not be best financially.



Should You Use SIP Corpus to Prepay Loan?
Let us evaluate this carefully.



Using Rs. 15 lakh from SIP to reduce loan will bring down EMI or tenure.



But it will stop the compounding of that Rs. 15 lakh.



SIP in mutual funds has potential to deliver higher returns than loan interest.



Over long-term, equity mutual funds grow faster than the cost of a loan.



So keeping SIP invested gives better wealth growth.



You will also lose liquidity if you prepay loan. That’s a risk.



In case of job loss or emergency, you can’t get money back from loan.



But SIP corpus is accessible if really needed.



So using SIP to reduce loan is not advisable at this stage.



Your loan EMI is not hurting your budget. So you can continue as is.



What Can Be Done Instead?
You can follow a balanced and flexible strategy.



Continue your Rs. 45,000 SIP. Do not stop it.



Split this SIP amount into growth-oriented and hybrid mutual funds.



Use actively managed funds. Avoid index funds. Index funds follow market blindly.



In down markets, they fall equally. No protection during correction.



Actively managed funds aim to reduce downside and find better growth.



Choose regular plans via a Certified Mutual Fund Distributor working with a Certified Financial Planner.



Direct funds don’t offer advice or review. You will miss strategic help.



Regular plans come with personalised support and ongoing monitoring.



That is more valuable than slightly lower expense ratio.



Use part of your growing SIP corpus later for home loan prepayment in 4-5 years.



This way you benefit from compounding and debt reduction.



Debt Freedom Goal – A Step-by-Step Plan
You want to become debt-free. That’s a powerful goal. Let’s plan for it.



Don’t aim to close full loan immediately. Plan for a staged prepayment.



Every 3 to 5 years, use part of your corpus to reduce principal.



This shortens loan tenure and reduces interest burden.



At the same time, keep investing parallelly.



Maintain a clear balance between long-term investment and debt reduction.



Avoid emotional decisions. Focus on long-term financial logic.



Reinvest bonuses or surplus into mutual funds. Use them later for bulk prepayment.



Avoid pulling SIP corpus unless you have a shortfall in emergencies.



You can use part of SIP corpus to prepay loan when it crosses Rs. 25 to 30 lakh.



Emergency Fund and Liquidity
Do you have an emergency fund? If not, create one soon.



Keep 6 months’ expenses as reserve. Use liquid or ultra-short-term funds.



Do not invest emergency fund in equity. Keep it separate.



Emergency fund gives peace and safety. Never use it for loan prepayment.



Child Education and Family Planning
Your wife is handling kids’ education. That gives you flexibility.



In a few years, education costs will rise. Plan early.



Use goal-based investing for each child’s milestone.



SIPs should be mapped to each goal. Use separate folios if needed.



Review each goal with a Certified Financial Planner once a year.



Do not mix children’s education fund with loan prepayment plans.



Keep goals separate for clarity and better management.



Insurance Protection Check
Do you have a term life cover? Make sure it’s 10x your yearly income.



Home loan is big. Your family needs safety if anything happens.



Do not rely on ULIPs or endowment plans. They give poor cover and low returns.



If you hold such policies, consider surrendering. Reinvest that money in mutual funds.



Health insurance is a must for you and family.



Even if your employer provides cover, keep personal cover too.



It helps after job switch or retirement.



Tax Planning Insight
You can claim Rs. 1.5 lakh under 80C for home loan principal.



Claim interest up to Rs. 2 lakh under section 24.



SIP in ELSS mutual fund also gives 80C benefit.



But don’t invest just for tax saving. See overall returns too.



Keep documentation ready for all claims.



Final Insights
You are already on the right track. You are managing EMI, expenses, and still investing. That shows discipline.



Using SIP corpus now to reduce loan is not the best decision.



Continue investing. Let compounding build your wealth. Use partial corpus in future for prepayment.



Stay invested in regular mutual fund plans through Certified MFDs associated with CFPs.



Avoid index and direct funds. They lack guidance, risk control, and personalised support.



Build a strong base with emergency fund, term insurance, and goal-based SIPs.



You are young. Your income is growing. Let time and planning work for you.



You can become debt-free and financially secure within 8 to 10 years.



Stay focused. Review once a year. Avoid panic or shortcuts.



You are doing great. Just stay steady.



Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8491 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 22, 2025

Money
Sir, I am single earning mother aged 54 years government job earning take home salary 1.20 lacs. Son 24 years studying. He will take another two years for completion. I am having a total loan of 35 lacs i.e personal loan and home loan. Took a personal loan for puchase of land. I feel I made a mistake by taking huge loan and paying emi. Is my decision right or I should not have opted for taking loan. Rather I should have invested. At present I don't have any savings. But I will get a good amount of pension. Is my decision right
Ans: You are a single mother, 54 years old, working in a government job, and earning Rs. 1.20 lakhs take-home every month. You are managing your son’s education and a Rs. 35 lakh loan that includes a personal loan for land purchase and a home loan. You have no savings currently but are expecting a decent pension.

This shows your strong commitment and sense of responsibility. You have already supported your child up to age 24. That is a great achievement.

Let us go step-by-step and assess your current situation fully, and work on how to improve it.



Income and Expense Structure
You earn Rs. 1.20 lakhs per month. This is a stable government salary.



A part of this goes to EMI. Remaining is spent on household and child’s needs.



You currently have no savings. This puts some stress on your financial safety.



You will have a good pension. That is a major strength.



Loan Analysis
You have a total loan of Rs. 35 lakhs. This includes a personal loan and a home loan.



Personal loans come with high interest. This can affect your cash flow.



Using personal loans for land purchase is not ideal. Land does not give regular income.



But the decision is already made. So now, focus on the next best steps.



Your loan is not a failure. It is a learning. You acted for your family.



What You Can Do Now
Let us plan from a 360-degree perspective. We will try to improve your financial life step by step.



1. Expense Management and Budgeting
List your monthly fixed expenses, EMI, household costs, and child-related costs.



Find areas to reduce or control expenses. Even Rs. 5,000 per month saving helps.



Avoid impulsive expenses. Say no to non-urgent purchases.



Build a clear budget and track it monthly.



Use a simple notebook or app to write down expenses.



2. Emergency Fund Creation
This is your first priority before investing.



Start saving Rs. 3,000 to Rs. 5,000 per month if possible.



Build an emergency fund equal to at least 3 to 6 months of monthly expenses.



Keep this fund in a liquid form. Use savings account or low-risk instruments.



Never touch this fund for regular expenses.



3. Loan Repayment Strategy
Focus on clearing the personal loan first. It has higher interest.



Do not try to pre-close the home loan unless cash flow allows.



Consider discussing with your bank if a restructuring option is possible.



If you get any bonus or arrears, use it for part pre-payment.



Never miss any EMI. Your credit score should stay strong.



4. Investment Planning
Once emergency fund is ready, and loan EMI is manageable, start investing small amounts.



Start SIPs in mutual funds through regular plans using an experienced MFD who works with a CFP.



Do not choose direct plans. They may seem cheaper but come with no guidance or help.



Direct plan investors miss rebalancing and timely action during market ups and downs.



Regular plans through MFDs give you advice, access to portfolio review, and strategy.



Also, avoid index funds. They copy the market. But they don’t manage risk in bad times.



Actively managed funds by professionals aim to protect value in market falls.



Invest slowly and steadily. Focus on long-term compounding.



Start with Rs. 3,000 to Rs. 5,000 SIP once emergency fund is ready.



5. Child’s Education Planning
Your son is 24 years old. He will complete studies in 2 years.



Until then, he is financially dependent. Plan your expenses around this timeline.



Once he starts earning, your monthly cost burden will reduce.



Encourage him to take responsibility for small costs soon.



Share your situation honestly with him. He will understand.



6. Retirement and Pension Planning
You are nearing retirement in a few years. So building post-retirement safety is key.



Your government pension is a great advantage. It gives income for life.



Even after pension starts, keep investing part of it in mutual funds.



Avoid traditional insurance-based investments. They offer low returns.



If you hold any ULIP or traditional endowment policy, review and consider surrendering.



Shift the surrendered amount into mutual funds in a staggered way.



Never buy products that promise returns with insurance. They do not beat inflation.



7. Insurance Protection
Ensure you have a term life insurance policy until your son becomes independent.



If not, take one now. Term plan is low-cost and gives high cover.



Once your son becomes financially independent, you may not need life insurance.



Maintain your health insurance even after retirement. Renew it without break.



Ensure the policy has enough sum insured. Top-up if needed.



8. Future Asset Management
Once your loans are cleared and pension starts, shift focus to asset creation.



Monthly SIPs should continue even after retirement. This keeps your money growing.



Use a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and hybrid mutual funds.



Review your portfolio once a year with a CFP.



Invest with goal-based approach. Short-term needs in safe options. Long-term goals in equity.



Do not chase high returns. Focus on balance between safety and growth.



9. Legal and Estate Planning
Make a simple Will. Mention your assets and your son as nominee or heir.



Ensure your bank accounts, insurance, and investments have proper nominations.



This helps in smooth transfer and avoids future disputes.



10. Emotional and Mental Peace
Money issues can feel heavy. But you have already done a lot.



Be kind to yourself. You have raised your son with full commitment.



Every step from now should be calm and planned.



You don’t need to compare with others. Your life is unique.



Even small savings from now can grow big in few years.



Finally
You have taken a bold step in raising a child single-handedly while handling job and loans. That alone shows your strength. While taking a personal loan for land may not have been ideal, your intent was to secure the future. Do not feel regret. Use the lessons and focus on financial recovery.

Start with small consistent savings. Reduce personal loan burden first. Avoid new debt. Begin SIPs once emergency fund is ready. Use only actively managed mutual funds via regular plans with a certified mutual fund distributor who works with a CFP. Build your confidence again.

Remember, it’s not too late. Financial peace is still possible. Plan, act, and stay steady.



Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8491 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 22, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 18, 2025
Money
I am 28 M single, have a salary of 40k,how would I go about making a saving so that I am settled at 35-38 years of age.I am not fully knowledgeable of stocks and other options, personal spending is around 20k per month out of the 40k on the salary.
Ans: It's commendable that you're thinking ahead about your financial future. At 28, with a monthly income of Rs. 40,000 and personal expenses around Rs. 20,000, you have a solid foundation to build upon. Let's explore a comprehensive approach to help you become financially settled by the age of 35-38.

Understanding Your Current Financial Position
Income and Expenses: You have a surplus of Rs. 20,000 each month after expenses.

Age Advantage: Being 28 gives you a 7-10 year horizon to plan and invest.

Financial Goals: Aiming to be financially settled by 35-38 is a realistic and achievable goal.

Building a Strong Financial Foundation
Emergency Fund: Aim to save at least 3-6 months' worth of expenses, i.e., Rs. 60,000 to Rs. 1,20,000.

Health Insurance: Ensure you have adequate health coverage to protect against unforeseen medical expenses.

Life Insurance: Consider term insurance if you have dependents or plan to have in the future.

Strategic Savings and Investments
Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs): Start with a monthly SIP of Rs. 5,000 to Rs. 10,000 in diversified mutual funds

Public Provident Fund (PPF): Invest Rs. 1,500 to Rs. 2,000 monthly for long-term, tax-free returns.

Recurring Deposits (RDs): Allocate Rs. 2,000 to Rs. 3,000 monthly for short-term goals.

Enhancing Financial Literacy
Educational Resources: Read books and articles on personal finance to deepen your understanding.

Workshops and Seminars: Attend financial planning workshops to gain practical insights.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner: Seek professional advice to tailor a plan specific to your goals.

Monitoring and Adjusting Your Plan
Regular Reviews: Assess your financial plan every 6 months to ensure alignment with your goals.

Adjust Contributions: Increase your investment amounts as your income grows.

Stay Informed: Keep abreast of market trends and adjust your portfolio accordingly.

Final Insights
By consistently saving and investing wisely, you can achieve financial stability by 35-38. Starting early and staying disciplined are key to building wealth over time. Remember, financial planning is a continuous process that adapts to your evolving life circumstances.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8491 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 22, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 15, 2025
Money
I am 77 yr old retired professinal.Own a house in which me and my wife.We have fixed deposit and SIP amounting to Rs20 lac.Sufficiently covered for medical insurances which my son pays the premium.We have three children all well settled ,independent and financially sound. I also have a commercial office which I have rented out and get Rs40000/ p.m rent.Are we well protected financially ir do you advicse some changes or top ups??
Ans: You are already doing many things right. Staying debt-free, having medical cover, and having supportive children are strong financial pillars. Now let’s assess and strengthen your financial protection further.

Clarity on Current Financial Strength

You own your home and live in it. That ensures stability.

You have Rs. 20 lakhs in fixed deposits and SIPs. That provides liquidity and future value.

Rs. 40,000 monthly rental income gives regular inflow. It reduces pressure on savings.

Medical insurance premiums are handled by your son. That’s a big relief on expenses.

Children are independent. So no financial dependency exists from your side.

You already have a very strong financial base. Still, we will now try to tighten a few loose ends for complete peace of mind.

Review of Emergency and Contingency Needs

Fixed deposits offer safety. Please ensure Rs. 6 to 8 lakhs stays liquid as emergency reserve.

Medical insurance is already in place. Please confirm if it covers critical illness also.

SIP amount is good for long-term wealth creation. But only if it is in balanced or conservative funds.

You may not need aggressive equity funds at this stage.

Include spouse’s emergency needs as well. If she requires any additional care or support, plan for it too.

Evaluation of Monthly Cash Flow

Rs. 40,000 from rent is a decent monthly income.

Your monthly needs must be well within that amount.

If you have any surplus from rent, redirect part of it to a monthly investment.

Avoid putting everything into FD. Let part of it go into low-risk mutual funds.

SIPs should ideally be in conservative hybrid funds. Not in high equity exposure schemes.

Keep monthly withdrawals from funds planned for at least 15 years.

Strengthen Your Financial Documentation

Maintain one file with all investments, medical papers, property documents.

Keep copies of insurance, FD certificates, and rental agreement in that file.

Inform your children about where the file is kept.

Also write down bank account details, SIP statements, and password locations.

This helps in emergencies and reduces confusion later.

Recheck Rental Property Conditions

Your commercial office is rented. That brings regular income.

Make sure rent agreement is renewed on time.

Confirm if tenant pays on time every month.

Also ensure property is maintained properly.

You may also want to register a Will clearly mentioning this property.

Appoint an executor your children trust. This avoids future issues.

Investment Review and Adjustments

Rs. 20 lakhs in FD and SIP is a healthy start.

Split this in a way that Rs. 6–8 lakhs stays easily accessible.

SIPs can be restructured into low volatility funds.

Avoid taking fresh exposure to high equity schemes.

Do not invest in real estate. You already have rental income.

Use SIPs only through certified mutual fund distributors who also hold CFP certification.

Avoid direct fund investments. These need monitoring and time.

Regular funds come with guidance and help from certified planners.

Reassess Your Insurance Cover

You said your son pays your health premium. Please make sure the sum insured is enough.

At this age, health costs rise fast.

Having Rs. 10–15 lakhs total family cover is better.

If cover is less, consider a top-up health insurance plan.

Do not buy policies with investment component like ULIPs or money-back plans.

If you hold any LIC or ULIP policies from past, you may check their returns.

If returns are poor, think of surrendering and reinvesting in mutual funds.

Legacy Planning and Family Support

You have no dependency on children. That gives peace of mind.

Still, you may want to create a simple Will.

Distribute all assets clearly across your children.

Add a note about how you wish things to be handled.

Choose one child as a point of contact for your financial matters.

If possible, create a Power of Attorney. This helps in managing things during medical emergencies.

You can also mention who should take care of your wife if you are unwell.

Avoiding Risky Financial Moves

Don’t take fresh loans or co-sign any loans for children.

Do not invest in real estate again. You already have property.

Avoid investing in new private NCDs, corporate FDs, or schemes with high returns promise.

Do not move funds to unknown app-based platforms.

Stick to bank FDs, and mutual funds through certified financial planners.

Don’t chase high returns. Safety matters most now.

Future Monthly Income Strategy

From age 80, health costs may go up more.

Ensure rental income continues at least till 85.

Prepare for gradual shift from SIP to Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP).

From age 78–80, reduce SIP amounts.

Start monthly withdrawals of Rs. 10,000–15,000 through SWP.

Keep FD maturity ladders for every year. So money is always available.

This gives balance between liquidity and income generation.

Plan for Wife’s Financial Safety

Make sure wife’s name is joint holder in all bank accounts.

Her name should be second holder in property and investments also.

Nominate her in all financial instruments.

Keep a separate folder for her basic details, health info, and bank access.

In your Will, mention her future needs and plans clearly.

Tax Awareness for Withdrawals

Rental income is taxable under your slab.

SIP withdrawals have new tax rules.

Equity fund profits above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%.

Short term profits taxed at 20%.

Debt funds taxed as per your slab.

Plan redemptions in a way to reduce tax each year.

Use certified mutual fund distributor who can help you plan this.

No Need for Annuity Products

You do not need annuity products now.

They give low returns and no liquidity.

Better to stay in SWP mode.

That gives regular income with capital flexibility.

Plus your rental income covers basics already.

Finally

Your financial base is strong.

Keep your focus on safety, documentation, and regular income.

Stay away from new high-risk ideas.

Keep your Will updated and family informed.

With proper attention, you and your wife can stay fully financially protected.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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