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Arranged marriage: Woman won't open up about past relationships – 30M seeks advice

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |723 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Feb 21, 2025

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Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
Relationship

I (30M) have been in the process of Arranged Marriage, screening prospective matches. Out of all the Women I'd met, there's this one Woman (28F) with whom I'm able to get along quite well. She's quite good in almost all aspects such as Appearance, Personality, Education, Career, Social & Emotional Intelligence etc. and our Interests & aspirations for Future, also align to a great extent. It seems Feasible that we build a Life together. Even she seems to be interested in me. But there's one major problem. She doesn't seem to be Trusting me well enough to open up to me, completely. We've interacting with each other since a Few Months, over Social Media, WhatsApp Messages, Phone Calls & even met each other personally on several Dates & spent good time together, understanding each other. We've discussed almost all the important aspects required for leading a Fruitful Married Life, such as, Finances, Family Affairs, Children, Future Plans in terms of Career & Personal Life, Our Travelling Bucket Lists etc & we seem to be quite compatible on almost all these aspects. But there's one aspect that she's not willing to Share with me openly. That's about her Past Relationship(s) & Sexual History. I had brought up this topic for the first time on a Date, when we'd spent over a Month in Courtship & were meeting each other in person for the 5th time. I started off by telling her that I had not been involved in any Romantic Relationship(s) either Serious or Casual, during my College Years or in my Early to Mid 20's as I had been going through a lot struggles, during that Age and I had started meeting up with Ladies only since the past 2-3 Years, after I was settled well in a stable Career & got Serious about Marriage. And obviously, I am a Virgin. When I asked her to share about her Past, she excused herself & left, abruptly ending our Date. I understood that she might not be feeling comfortable with opening up at this stage. I profusely apologized if I'd crossed my Limits, unknowingly & asked her to meet up for another Date, after a week, wherein I Reassured her that whatever is discussed between the both of us regarding sensitive personal matters, shall only remain between the both of us & need not be shared with anyone else (including Parents). She agreed with me but still didn't open up about her Past. I waited Patiently giving her few more weeks' time to open up as per her Convenience, but she never did. Whenever I brought up this sensitive topic again, she'd either change the Topic or make some Excuse to Leave, ending our interaction abruptly. I still maintained Patience & kept Reassuring her gently, that I want to know about her Past, not to Judge her, but only to understand her better. Still she seemed reluctant to open up about her Past, but is actively conversing on any other Topic. The last time we'd met personally was on a Dinner Date, a week ago. When I gently raised the Topic again, she seemed to get somewhat irritated & asked me "How does my Past, really matter to you?" I Replied that it is very much important for me to know everything about her Past, to be able to Trust her completely & take the Relationship ahead and once again I reminded her of both my Promises that I would listen to her with empathy & understanding without Judgement and that I would maintain utmost Secrecy with Respect to her Sensitive Personal Matters. Still she seemed avoidant about the Uncomfortable Conversation & tried to Gaslight me as if I'm Disrespecting her Personal Boundaries. Our Date ended on an unpleasant note & since then our Interaction over WhatsApp has been just minimal. I don't understand what's the matter with her, she never Shied away from discussing any other Important topic & communicated her views, quite effectively, giving me the Impression that she's a Matured Person, but I don't understand why she's so reluctant to open up on this Important topic, in spite of repeated Reassurances from my side. Please advise me, how do I proceed with this Sensitive issue? I am very much into her & wouldn't want to throw away such a Wonderful prospect as we seem to be getting along, quite well, with each other. At the same time, I feel the need to know everything about her Past Relationship(s) including her Sexual History, so that I can be sure about certain things, which greatly matter to me. My Gut Instinct refuses to Trust & Accept her completely, without this missing piece of Jigsaw Puzzle. I'm in great Dilemma now, any Qualitative Advice from Experienced People would be greatly appreciated.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand your concerns but it might be nice if you understand her concerns as well. While most people promise to neither judge nor share sensitive details, they rarely keep their promise, especially when the experiences are coming from a woman. Her reluctance about sharing her past with you might be stemming from the same.
To be honest, the past should not matter as much as the present but since it is important to you, I would recommend you open up about it directly to her, expressing how her not opening up is stopping you from trusting her completely. If she still does not want to talk about it, I don't see any scenario where it would be the right choice to push her about it again. You have only met her and things are yet to be official. In that case, you should rethink this alliance. Secrecy might be important to her as much as knowing every detail is important to you. Neither is wrong here. Do not rush into any conclusion and speak to her first. Meet up exclusively for this discussion and see where things go from there.
Hope this helps

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |723 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 23, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I (29M) have connected with a Prospective match (26F) through an Arranged Marriage Platform & we both seem to be getting along quite well, interacting regularly via WhatsApp, Phone Calls & even met personally, Twice in the span of a Month. She had been in a Long Term Relationship with her Boyfriend since College, for almost 7 years. They had to Break-up an Year ago as their Parents had not approved of their Marriage (due to Caste Factor). But they both are still in touch as "Just Friends". This is what makes me uncertain about whether I'd be able to Trust her or not. We both get along quite well with each other on almost all other aspects. She regularly interacts with her Ex Boyfriend & whenever I try to ask her anything about it, she shuts me down, calling me 'Insecure' & says that her Past Relationship & Present 'Friendship' with her Ex Boyfriend are solely her Personal Matter & she doesn't owe me any explanation about it, not even after we get Married (assuming that we did). But she also tries to reassure me saying that she has moved on from the Relationship & now their Friendship is just 'Platonic' not 'Romantic'. But I am not able to Trust her completely. Will it be a Reasonable demand, from my side, if I ask her to cut off all contacts with her Ex? Or shall I secretly approach her Ex, without her knowledge & strictly warn him to stay off his Ex Girlfriend as she's soon going to be another Man's Wife? Or else, how should I build Trust with her, in spite of her 'Friendship' with her Boyfriend? Is it even worth trying or shall I move on to find another Woman who is Virgin like myself?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand your concerns. But, trust is important in a relationship. If she says they are just friends, if your relationship is healthy, you should be able to trust her.

Having said that, I would suggest you take some time to think if you can get to the point where you can actually trust her without being bothered about this friendship, and not forcefully trust her. Demanding to end the friendship or approaching her ex is not the right way to deal with this situation. You two are not married yet; you still have the time to rethink.

I don't know whether you should move on to someone else, but I believe that you should take some time to rethink. You two are still matches and these problems are trivial now, but once you get married, things will get even more complicated. You can either sort the matter by having an open conversation where you explain how her relationship with her ex bothers you, or you can both consider parting ways. But please do not commit just yet, especially since there is an existing issue.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1796 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 09, 2024

Relationship
Thanks for Answering my Question, Anu Ma'am... I agree with whatever you have said... I understand her situation & empathize with her Situation. I am willing to give her the Benefit of Doubt & Listen & Understand her side of the Story, without any Harsh Judgement. But she's not even willing to sit down for an Open-Heart Discussion with me. I prefer to have this difficult conversation by meeting her alone, personally, in a Safe Space where we get all the Privacy we need, not in either of our Homes, to avoid the intrusion of other Family Members. The main Reason for preferring a Personal Meeting over a Phone Call/WhatsApp Chat is that, I want to observe her Body Language & Facial Expressions keenly, to ascertain whether she's being truthful or not. And she might get emotional & break down, during the Sensitive conversation, I want to Hug her & Comfort her, so that she feels safe to open up to me, completely. But how can I Trust a Person, who isn't even willing to have an Open & Honest Conversation with me...!!!??? I like almost everything else about her, notwithstanding her Past & a part of me does want to Marry her, but I have many Questions about her Past & I need Honest Answers from her, to make an Informed Decision. But she's asking me to wait until we get Married & then she'd prove herself as a Worthy Wife. But I am afraid that it might be too late & at that point, it wouldn't be easy to undo the Marriage, just in case, I don't find her Honest & Trustworthy enough. I am exploring the option of Postponing the Wedding (citing some other Reason) so that we both get more time to sort this out. But the problem is, how do I get her to talk with me...!!!??? She's unwilling to come anywhere & meet me personally & I don't want to go to her Home & unnecessarily create a scene over there. Shall I threaten her that I'd tell my Parents about her Past & Cancel the Wedding, unless, she comes to meet me in person, for an Open & Honest Conversation? I wouldn't really do something so Harsh, but would this empty threat make her open up to me or have the Opposite effect? If you have a better Idea, please suggest me, how do I get her to meet me personally & Talk to me openly? I have another Question related to this, which I'll post after you Reply to this Question. Thanks in advance, Anu Ma'am ????
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Again I say this...it's not easy speaking the truth and it's not easy hearing it either.
In both cases, the person involved absolutely needs to hear it from the other person that they are safe. Which means you cannot reassure her after she comes to have the conversation. This has to happen much before and it possibly is going to take some time.
And I still support you need to know...but do so gently...without bringing in your eruptions in emotions which is going to bring things down even more.
Even after attempting this, if you have doubts and it has begun to haunt you; there's a dilemma that you are going to be faced with. But, be patient and ease her into meeting with you.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |663 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |723 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that it is important for you to need to know her past and you mentioned that you merely want to know, and would not judge. But judging is exactly what you are doing. A lot of people have exes, a lot of people have occasional drinks- we can't judge people based on their past. She has opened up to you and all you are doing is snooping around. To be honest, it seems like you are really more concerned about her ex and past than about how amazing a person she is. I have only one piece of advice, if you think you can't get past her past, let her go. No one deserves to be judged by their past.

And think of it this way- you asked, and she told you. She was not obliged to, but still understanding your 'need' to know 'everything,' she confided in you. And this is how you are paying her back. Moreover, so what if she had an ex, or dated casually? How does that affect you right now? Ask yourself the same question and I think you will know the answer to your own dilemma.

Having said it all, marriage is a big decision. If you think her past can hamper your future, please rethink this relationship. It is best for both of you.

Best Wishes

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |723 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 05, 2026

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 02, 2026Hindi
Relationship
Hi RediffGurus, I’m a 30M (CTC : 30LPA) and currently in serious marriage discussions with a woman (28F ; CTC : 25LPA) I met through Shaadi.com. Some context: We’ve met 5+ times one-on-one Our families have met twice Conversations have been deep and transparent on values, marriage expectations, kids, finances, lifestyle We even went as far as sharing ITR, CIBIL scores, investment details We both did and shared full body health checkups, including fertility, STDs, and thalassemia In our 2nd meet, we discussed past relationships. She told me she had one relationship. In the last meet a few days ago, she herself brought up physical intimacy (I did not bring this up out of nowhere). I honestly shared that I’m a Virgin. She explicitly said she is a Virgin too. After that, we got formally engaged with the Blessings of both Families & continued meeting up with each other, occassionally. Then during one of our recent meets, out of nowhere, she confessed that she is NOT a Virgin and that she had been physical with her ex. Her explanation was that at the time the topic came up earlier, she wasn’t comfortable sharing and ended up giving an incorrect answer. She said she fumbled her response to her own question. Now I’m struggling with something deeper than just the V-card aspect. Because: This was explicitly discussed, not assumed She had multiple chances to correct it earlier We were already at a stage of extreme transparency in other sensitive areas. Now I’m questioning other things we’ve discussed that I can’t independently verify. Like views on cheating, open marriage, long-term expectations, etc. I don’t know: Whether this is a forgivable lapse due to fear/discomfort? Or a red flag about honesty? Or what, realistically, she can do now to rebuild trust? I don’t want to overreact, but I also don’t want to ignore this. How should I proceed in this situation? What questions should I ask myself or her before deciding whether to move forward or walk away?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am glad that both of you have been so thorough and responsible. It shows your sincerity towards this relationship. Now coming to her lying: it isn’t necessary that she lied about this one thing means she might be lying about a lot of other things. Usually, women find it difficult to talk about such sensitive topics. She might have actually fumbled and tried to be in your good graces, lied about it herself. Nevertheless, I understand your hesitation about trusting everything she says now. It’s great that you are trying to address it right away instead of waiting till after marriage. I suggest you have an open and honest conversation about your concern with her. Give her another chance to explain and gauge her sincerity. There’s a lot of things in life that we cannot really verify but we still choose to believe that it’s the truth. Have a talk and see where it goes. But I would also suggest not to be rash about your decision, whether to proceed or not at all; think calmly and rationally. In case, you feel that you cannot ever trust her and it might become a huge issue later, it’s best to reconsider right away. But if you think this relationship is worth fighting for, talk and talk till you are entirely sure that things are sorted.

Hope this helps.

..Read more

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